The Very Thought of You
by Babette12
Summary: Edward moves to Seattle on the eve of the American Civil War and meets Bella. A typical love story. All canon pairings, AU/AH, rated M for future chapters. Written around the o/s Going to Sleep.
1. Chapter 1

**Standard disclaimer applies. Sadly.**

**So this is my first full length story, and it is based on the one-shot I posted for the Age of Edward contest, Going to Sleep.**

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Chapter 1 – Moving

We pulled into Fort Nasqually utterly exhausted. It had been a long five months on the Oregon Trail and that didn't count the month it took to get from Chicago to the Shawnee Mission in Kansas. I looked over to Alice, barely clinging to the wagon rail in her excitement to see the fort and meet all the people. A chuckle escaped as I watched her take in everything around her. She had been this way the entire trip.

We left Chicago in April 1859. Pa had been a lawyer there, working with the engineers to put in the line that took the sewer out of the city into the middle of Lake Michigan. When that work was done he was invited by the governor of Washington Territory, Richard Gholson, to be a judge overseeing the homesteading of the territory. Pa thought it would be a good place to finish raising his family, so we packed up and went.

We had been required to parse down our belongings to what would fit into a wagon, and Alice had insisted that she just had to have the dresses and bonnets that had recently arrived from Paris. They had been designed by Frederick Worth and had been shipped over the Atlantic, taking months to reach us. We were all allowed one item that we couldn't live without, that package was hers.

Mine was my horse. Pa had wanted to sell him in order to use the money to purchase another team of oxen but had relented. I had convinced him that Manitou would be good to have once we arrived. I did have to leave my piano behind, however. Ma was unhappy about that but hoped to be able to order one up from San Francisco once we were settled.

At first we had thought the journey would be easy. It only took us a week to get to Alcove Spring after leaving Shawnee Mission. It was truly a lovely place; waterfalls, fresh water springs, and lush fodder for the animals made it ideal. Alice had danced in the river along with others from our company. She was a sight to behold as she pulled her skirts up to keep them dry and waded as deep as she dared. There were many young men our age willing to hold her hand lest she fall in but she had laughed gaily at them, refusing all with a smile. I had asked her why none pricked her fancy and her reply had been cryptic and short, "None of them are right."

We re-supplied at Rock Creek station, and then we resumed what became an arduous journey. Alice and I became quite grateful to have Manitou; we did not have to walk the 2000 miles as many of the others our age did. Quite a few of the girls on the trail had tried to have me give them rides, but they were rude to Alice so I paid them no mind. Besides, Alice was always telling me they weren't right for me. I knew Alice was a might bit different than most, but I knew I could trust her judgment. Alice was not quite a year younger than me, Ma and Pa had us quite close together hoping we would be as close emotionally as we were in our physical ages. She was happy and sure; I couldn't have asked for a dearer sister.

Now this isn't to say we didn't have our spats. I'll never forget the time we were camped outside Chimney Rock; it was my sixteenth birthday and in a show of what I was sure to be manliness I declared I was going to climb as high as possible. She had laughed, then argued, and finally cried, begging me not to go. I just told her she was annoying and went along anyway. Then I spent the next two months with my left arm in plaster due to the break I suffered. She was certainly smug after that. Although, I didn't go peer over Devil's Gate like I had wanted when she asked me not to.

Upon arriving at the fort, I found myself in as high of spirits as Alice. This was the place Pa had been asked to report to; surely this was to be the end of our journey. Ma and Alice noted a bathhouse and laundry, and quickly drug Pa and me over to it. After months of bathing only face and arms, or washing in the cold rivers that flowed from the mountains, the idea of soaking in a tub was appealing. Alice pulled out clothes we had been keeping nice to change into after our bath. She was quite particular with Pa's outfit, as he was to meet the governor. We chuckled about that with each other as we soaked away the dirt of the trip.

After our bath Pa took off to meet the governor while Alice, Ma and I went to check into the hotel. The very thought of sleeping on an actual mattress made us giddy with delight. But first, the smells of the kitchens downstairs were calling to us.

"Alice, I'm starved! Can't we go down now?" I complained loudly.

"All in good time! I've not met these people before, and must look right. I wouldn't want them thinking less of me," she answered in her sing-song voice. "Besides, you look healthy enough to me. Fifteen more minutes won't make here nor there of difference to your stomach."

"Alice, you've just arrived from the trail. We are amongst the best dressed of the newcomers, so I don't think they will look down on you," I replied while grabbing her hand. She giggled at me and allowed me to drag her down to the food. We met up with Ma and Pa there. Ma looked none too happy.

"What's the matter, Ma?" I inquired as we sat at the long table amongst the other travelers.

"The governor has asked me to take the seat in Seattle," Pa answered. "It's a logging community at the end of the sound, and they've been having problems with—"

"PA!" my mother admonished in a forced whisper, "That's not appropriate discussion for the dinner table." She turned to me, "Edward, we will tell you the rest later. Eat now."

"May I ask when we leave?" I dreaded the thought of more travel. I had hoped we had reached the end.

"Tomorrow," Pa answered, "so sleep well tonight. We get up early, and should reach the house set up for us late. It's only another 35 miles, so not too bad."

Alice had remained silent during the exchange, and I glanced over to her to assess her mood. She was beaming. "What's got you so happy?"

"It's a new place with new possibilities. I think we could be very happy there," she replied. She rose, having finished her repast. "Also, there's a dance tonight. Would you accompany me?"

I immediately agreed. She knew how much I loved to dance and she made an excellent partner. We tended to stick together, both avoiding the attentions of those that held no interest for us. I hated to be cornered by simple-minded, giggling girls who wouldn't know the difference between Shakespeare and Faust. She despised boorish boys who looked at her clothes and started to imagine the size of her dowry; speaking to her as if she were possessed of little or no intelligence. It was our job at these occasions to rescue the other if the need arose.

We sincerely enjoyed ourselves at the dance. While we did share many dances together, we were happy to find that there were others who shared our interests in music, literature, and in Alice's case, fashion. Alice's dance card filled quickly, and I was sure to request the attentions of girls who seemed to be shy and retiring. Alice often pushed me toward those she noticed, indicating it was my responsibility as a gentleman to ensure they had a pleasant evening. I usually acquiesced, knowing these girls tended to be better read and not as vapid as the more forward young ladies.

My family arose early the next morning; they climbing into the wagon and me upon Manitou, to face the last part of our journey. It appeared we would not be traveling alone. Seattle was a rich and growing logging community, and there were many lone men in the company seeking their fortunes, as well as a few other families.

We arrived late in the day and Pa received directions to both the home of the sheriff he would be working with as well as the location of the jail. Sheriff Swan's home was on the outskirts of town, but the jail was close, so we found our way there. We were unsurprised to find him still there. A sheriff's days were long, especially in a logging town with many saloons. I went inside with Pa to meet him and found him at a desk, chatting amicably with a local native.

"Sheriff Swan?" my father inquired, "I'm Edward Masen, and this is my son, Edward, Jr. I was instructed to meet with you upon arrival. I do presume you were expecting me?"

The sheriff rose quickly and walked to my father with a warm smile and his hand extended in greeting. "Yes, sir, we have been expecting you," he answered while shaking Pa's hand. "May I present to you the chief of the local native tribe, William Black?" he gestured to the man nearby. "His tribe is centered a couple hundred miles from here, all good people, and the chief is a man of honor."

"A pleasure, sir," Pa answered. "I take it relations between our people and yours are good?"

"There is a treaty, and the sheriff ensures it is honored. We are content," he answered my Pa. "However, the sheriff here does tend to violate it on occasion. Mostly when the salmon are running," he added teasingly, glancing at the sheriff. I looked over to see the man chuckling at the chief's obvious ribbing. I could easily see that these men more than respected each other, they were friends. That spoke well for our safety here. We had been beset with a few skirmishes with natives while crossing the plains, and I was pleased to find that wouldn't be a concern here.

Releasing my father's hand the sheriff inquired as to our journey and the general well-being of my Ma and sister. He procured a set of keys from his desk, and handed them to Pa, along with instructions as to the location of the house that was an endowment that accompanied Pa's appointment as judge. "It's a fine home," the sheriff explained, "built as a local residence for the last governor. It is fully furnished, but feel free to make any changes you like. It is set up on the hill, so the view is something your wife will enjoy."

He then turned to me, "School started a few weeks back, but they are used to new students, and Mr. Banner is expecting you and your sister. I have a daughter around your age who attends there as well. She is excited to meet your sister, as there are so few families in the area." He then informed me as to the location of the schoolhouse.

Pa and I returned to the wagon, him climbing up next to Ma and me mounting my horse, and finished our journey to our new home. Ma was so excited when she laid eyes on it. It was impressive. It stood three stories tall with a kitchen out back; there was a walkway between the house and the kitchen. A carriage house stood separate, and an ornate carriage stood within; Pa would have to purchase a team of horses. There were gardens surrounding the house and Ma went back to examine the kitchen garden for anything that might be remaining. Large glass windows framed the bottom floor, with smaller ones on the upper floors. There was a porch that wrapped around the side and, from what I could see, continued on around back. A matching deck followed the roof of the porch for the second story and I could spy a small balcony extending from doors on the third floor.

Upon entry I spied a parlor to the right with a deep fireplace, a drawing room to the left, and in front of me was a large grand staircase that circled up as it reached the second story. Alice let out a squeal, gathered her skirts in her hands, and rushed up the stairs to investigate. I wandered into the parlor and peered through the doors to a room behind. I could see a grand piano located in it, settees and chairs arranged about it. A music room, Ma would be so pleased. I continued through this room to a back vestibule opening out to the back gardens. Through a door across the hall I could spy a dining room, with a table large enough to accommodate at least thirty diners. That room had a door leading out to the kitchen and another connecting to the drawing room, completing my circuit of the first floor.

"Edward!" I could hear Alice calling me from above, "come up here! You've got to see the bedrooms!" I ran up to the top of the first floor stairs, noticing a water closet there. I peeked in quickly, seeing a wash basin with a hand pump. There was even a toilet; I could see the plumbing going through the wall. Looking out the window, I noticed that it continued up to the roof where I barely glimpsed a large cistern for collecting rain water that would be used to flush the toilet. A pipe from below the toilet and wash basin led out to a cesspool down the hill from the house. I noticed there were other pipes on the above floor, which meant there must be a water closet up there as well.

"Edward!" I heard Alice cry, "Where have you disappeared off to?"

"I'm on my way," I called back, following the direction of her voice to the west side of the house.

I peeked into a bedroom to find her gazing out the window at the view of the bay. "If Ma and Pa allow, I think I want this room," she said to me with a smile. "Have you picked out yours yet?"

"I haven't seen any others, but I may go up a floor. There's another water closet up there."

She just smiled to me and turned her gaze back out the window. I went out of the room and continued up the stairs to the third floor. There were two more bedrooms on the second floor, the largest of which I suspected my parents would take. While I could have chosen the other empty room, the privacy afforded by having a floor to myself was alluring. As I suspected, when I reached the third floor I did find another water closet, and two more bedrooms. Looking at both of them, I decided on the larger one, which faced the same direction as the one Alice had chosen. I looked out the window and noticed that I could see the sun sinking over the ocean.

While we had been exploring Pa had hired a local boy to bring up the trunks from the wagon. He was quite large and handled them easily. As I was gazing out the window he walked into my room. "Your sister told me you'd be up here. I'm Emmett by the way." He set the trunk down and looked over to me. "How old are you?"

"I'm sixteen," I replied.

"I'm seventeen, so I imagine I'll be seeing you at school tomorrow. Do you wrestle?"

I smiled. "Yes, I do. Why?"

A large grin broke his face at my answer. "Well," he chuckled, "I'm looking for a boy who can throw me in wrestling. Don't think you can, but I'm willing to give you a try."

_Ah, a challenge_, I thought. "I haven't been thrown in wrestling in years." I threw the challenge back at him good-naturedly, "I look forward to testing myself against you."

He threw his head back in a laugh. "I look forward to it as well. I hope you're as good as you say." I laughed with him. I was glad to have already found a friend, but then I noticed his face sober up as he looked at me more closely. "Um, there's this girl, Rosalie. I'm sweet on her, but so are most of the guys. If you don't mind, would you mind not setting your sights on her?"

I laughed again at his request. I walked over to him, clapping him on the shoulder, "She's all yours." There was no way I would want to do anything to harm the first friend I made after arriving.

I heard Pa calling from downstairs, and asked Emmett to accompany me. As we walked down he told me of his girl so I could be sure to pick her out as not being available. When we reached the bottom I was surprised when Pa asked Emmett if he could drive a team. When Emmett indicated he could Pa offered him the job of driving Ma around, which Emmett readily accepted. I could tell he was pleased, as it paid better than logging and was far less dangerous. I was heartened by this, for it meant that I could expect to see Emmett, and he had already grown on me.

After accepting, Emmett took his leave, promising to see me the next day at school. I wished my parents a good night and climbed the stairs to bed, calling a good night to Alice as I passed her floor. I heard her response as I made my way up the final flight of steps. As I climbed into bed I wondered what I would find at school the next day, and went to sleep in anticipation of making new friends.

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**A/N – Manitou (pronounced man - i (like the i in it) - too) is an Illinois Indian word for a supernatural being. I thought it appropriate for Edward's horse. We needed to have something supernatural in a Twilight story, even if it is AH!**

**A million thanks to the lovely and amazing Stavanger1 for betaing this for me and to whenpoetryrises for giving it a second look. Also, much love to naelany for convincing me to do this (I think. I may hate you later for this bb!).**

**It is my intention to update once a week, for those who are curious (I know I always am!)**

**Now, you know what to do! Send me some sugar!  
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	2. Chapter 2 Meeting

**Many thanks to Stavanger1 and whenpoetryrises for their awesome help and betaing skills! Be sure to check out their stories!**

**SM owns the characters, I just put them back in time.**

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Chapter 2 – Meeting

"Bella! Are you awake yet?" I could hear Pa calling me up the stairs.

"Yes, Pa, I'm almost ready!" I responded. I knew he was hungry and much preferred my cooking to his own. I quickly went through my morning oblations, dressed, plaited my hair, and hurried down the stairs to fix his breakfast. We weren't lucky enough to have a kitchen separate. This house was built as a true frontier home, with a fireplace that doubled as a kitchen fire. I was used to it, but longed to have the chimney rebuilt to include an oven, instead of just setting the Dutch oven on coals with more on the lid.

I quickly pulled a side of bacon out of the cold box and sliced off pieces as thinly as possible. As I was doing this, Pa walked in with a basket of eggs. He set a few aside, placing the rest in the cold box. "We need some more ice. I'll be sure to let Newton know to send some by," he commented.

"Thanks, Pa," I answered and went back to preparing breakfast. I had sliced some bread off the loaf, spitting them over the fire to toast while I cooked the eggs in the fat from the bacon.

Pa said, "I met the new Masen boy yesterday. He seemed nice, but don't get too friendly." I rolled my eyes at his comment. I had recently turned sixteen and he was afraid I would marry too young. "I hear he has a sister, though. I'm sure you'll be enjoying her company."

_We'll see_, I thought. "Don't worry, Pa," I answered him, "I'll be nice. And don't worry about the boy either. You know I want to try to be accepted into Oberlin College in a couple years."

I could hear Pa chuckle. He arose from the table and kissing me on the head he laughed, "My daughter, the radical." As he heard me huff he quickly continued, "You know I'm proud of you, Bells. I just hate the idea of you going so far away. Now off to school with you." I quickly reached up to peck his cheek and went out the door as he cleaned the dishes.

As I journeyed to school I wondered about the new girl. I was the only one who didn't share a desk on the girl's side in my grade. Jessica and Lauren were my age, but they shared. Rose was a grade ahead, and she shared with Angela. I actually enjoyed the solitude of my desk. It allowed me to focus on my studies, without having to listen to either Jessica or Lauren gossip.

Angela was good and kind, but she had been making eyes at Ben, and he at her. They were expected to marry when of age. Rose was smart, strong, and intimidating. She was the envy of every girl, and the desire of just about every boy. Only one boy caught her eye though. Emmett McCarty. He was the biggest and strongest of all our age. While he was kind and open-hearted, he also was smart. He didn't care much for schoolwork, but he was adept at figuring things out. I was sure they would also marry once they came of age.

As I thought on, I knew that Jessica and Mike, one of the boys my age, would probably match up. Mike had set his intentions upon me at one time, and while I found him sweet and cute, there just seemed to be something missing. Jessica would be perfect for him. She was a petite, excitable girl, easily amused. Her springy brown curls helped add to her height, so she didn't seem mis-matched with Mike's average height.

I felt bad for Tyler, though. That left him with Lauren, or me. Tyler was a nice enough boy, and he was smart, but again there was just something missing, so he didn't draw my eye either. He was happy enough with Lauren though, despite her shrewish character.

While so many of my age were pairing up, I sincerely didn't feel the need to do so. Oberlin College had opened to accepting women many years ago, and was still one of the few women's colleges in the country. Since it was in Ohio, and not Boston, Pa felt a bit better with me going there. With talk of a trans-continental railroad, the journey would be shortened from four to six months to a mere four weeks. That is if the war that seemed to be looming didn't occur.

There was much arguing in the paper lately. With the addition of more states to the union, there was a battle raging over whether the new ones would be slave or free states. Many of the states in the southeastern part of the country were fighting to allow the new states to choose their own way, with no regulation from the federal government. They were currently battling many northern states in the courts for failure to return slaves as directed in the constitution. The northern states were arguing that federal decisions trumped state legislatures. There had been many skirmishes in places such as Missouri and Kansas as men had come to blows and blood was shed. Washington Territory had been wanting to join the union, but many feared the war would come first, and held off to see what would happen in the east.

I walked into school and nodded to Mr. Banner as I slid into my desk. He already had math problems on the board, sorted by grade. I pulled out my slate and began work on my grades' list, going through the assignment easily. I had only been there a short time when I heard the new kids enter the schoolhouse. Most others turned to look at them, but I wanted to get my work done so kept my head down. I could hear them speaking with Mr. Banner, and knew he was directing the girl to sit next to me. I glanced up as she walked toward me, and saw her brother.

He was magnificent. I couldn't have imagined a more handsome boy. He had an odd color to his hair that reminded me of bronze pots, or perhaps the red gold that came from the Dakotas. He was tall, at least as tall as Emmett, but not as largely built. His eyes were an emerald green, and they were smiling down on his sister. I followed his gaze to her so I could see who my desk-mate was to be.

As handsome as he was, his sister was pretty. She was quite petite with dark hair pulled up into a chignon at her neck. She had ice-blue eyes that sparkled with excitement. She smiled and introduced herself as she sat beside me. We quickly exchanged names, and I went back to working my problems as she pulled out a slate and chalk of her own. I looked forward to getting to know her, but Mr. Banner was strict, and tolerated no talking during lessons.

When Mr. Banner rang the bell for lunch we poured out into the fall sunshine. We knew having sun was a rarity, and hated losing a minute of it indoors. Alice joined me under one of the trees to eat her lunch with me. As we pulled our food from our buckets, I looked up and saw her brother walking toward her. "Alice," I leaned in to her as I spoke, nodding in his direction, "I think your brother is coming to talk to you."

"His name is Edward and I wouldn't be so sure it was me he was looking to talk to, Bella. Didn't you notice him making eyes at you all morning?" she asked with a grin.

I laughingly replied, "Me? I think not. He was merely checking on you. Besides, don't you have his lunch? I'm sure he's hungry." I heard Mike calling him, and looked up to see him smile at his sister wistfully, no doubt from his desire for food, and follow Mike to where the boys were wrestling. "Want to go see the boys wrestle?" I asked her, "Emmett is quite good."

Alice laughed merrily, "I doubt he can throw Edward. He may not be as big, but he is quite strong."

Wrestling was quite an interesting affair. The boys would sit across from each other, feet flat together, and both would hold a sturdy stick between them. The person calling the game would hold the stick, and as soon as he released, both boys would begin tugging with the intent of pulling the other off balance. If one was able to dislodge his opponent, then he would 'throw' him to the side, winning the competition. It took a great deal of strength, as well as speed and agility, to win.

We wandered over to watch the boys as we ate. The other girls had already gathered, and laughed as they watched Edward throw Mike quite easily. I was surprised to see Edward's muscles bunch as he pulled on the stick. I had thought him wiry, but the muscles on his arms were quite well defined. I felt my face flush as I realized Alice was watching me look at him, instead of watching the match. "Do you find him handsome?" she asked me.

"Mike is cute, but I've not set my cap for him. I believe Jessica has, though, so you might want to consider that," I answered, thinking she was speaking of Mike. Why would she be asking me about her brother?

I heard her laugh lightly as we watched Edward throw Ben. "I wasn't asking you about Mike, Bella," her voice shook with merriment, "I was asking if you found my brother handsome."

Edward was now lined up with Tyler. If he could throw Ben, I knew Tyler would present no problem for him. "Yes, Alice, I believe he is handsome." My voice dropped to a whisper, "as do Jessica, Angela and Lauren. They haven't kept their eyes off him all break."

Edward had now thrown Tyler, and was waiting while Ben and Emmett wrestled. The only one to not throw him was Emmett, and that was simply because he hadn't lined up against him yet. We all knew that no one beat Emmett. Alice stood chuckling beside me. "What do you find so amusing, Alice?" I asked her.

"You!" was her reply. "I have seen the other girls look at him, but you are the only girl he has looked at." Edward was now lined up against Emmett, and Tyler let go of the stick as I laughed loudly at Alice's comment. I saw Edward look around at me just as Emmett started to pull. I watched in horror as Edward didn't even pull, and Emmett launched him over his shoulder, directly onto a rock.

I stared horrified as he arose to a sitting position and I could see blood dripping down his face from a cut on his forehead. Some of the girls around me began to scream. I suppose there was value to that as it did alert Mr. Banner that something was amiss, but I simply found it annoying. Taking a deep breath and holding it, I rushed over to him to assess his injury. I had taken care of Pa when he was hurt. Since it was only the two of us I needed to be able to handle this type of thing. Unfortunately, I had a tendency to pass out from the smell, hence taking a deep breath. I looked him over, turned my head to breathe again, and reached under my skirt to rip some fabric from my petticoat. It was old and falling apart anyway, so I didn't mind. Edward, apparently, was quite surprised however.

I noticed his look of surprise at my actions and just smiled at him while I used the material to wipe the blood from his face. Luckily it didn't appear very deep so I picked up his hand and instructed him to apply pressure. I then stepped away to take another breath.

As I was trying to refill my lungs I could hear him chuckling. "Why are you sniggering at me?" I asked.

"You are quite the conundrum. You rush over to tend to my wounds, but you won't breathe near me. Why? Do I smell?"

"It's the blood. The smell makes me ill," I replied.

"Then why did you rush over to care for me?" he asked.

I shrugged. "You were hurt." I looked to see Mr. Banner coming from the schoolhouse. He saw that Edward was sitting up smiling, so he didn't rush.

"I think it's done bleeding now. Would you care to have your petticoat back?" he asked with a crooked grin.

"Ah, no, thank you kindly," I replied as I felt my face alight with a blush. I turned to see Mr. Banner looking between us, and felt the fire under my skin heat further.

"Bella, class is starting back up. Please go in and take your seat. Start your reading assignment. I will attend to Mr. Masen." I dropped him a curtsy, and without another word to Edward, rushed for the sanctuary of the schoolhouse, smiling at Alice as I passed her by.

I forced myself to not think on the boy who lay injured in the yard. How his hair had felt as I pushed it out of the way of his wound. How green his eyes were when they smiled at me as I tried to hold my breath due to the blood. How his crooked grin unnerved me when he realized it was a piece of my petticoat I was using. How his deep, smooth voice sounded as he—

"_Bella! Aren't you listening to me?_" Alice's intense whispering finally broke through my daydreaming, accompanied by a fierce pinch on my arm.

"Ouch! What did you do that for?" I remonstrated.

"You were dreaming! Was it of my brother perhaps?" she accused with glee.

"I was reading."

"I sincerely doubt that, seeing as how you've been staring at the same spot on the page for five minutes," she giggled. "If it makes you feel better, he asked me your name."

"He's just wondering who the bizarre girl is who ripped her petticoat in front of him," I countered.

"Hmm, we'll see," she mused. Then a smile lit her face. "Don't you live towards the edge of town? That's quite a distance to walk. Perhaps Edward would give you a ride home? I don't mind walking."

"I don't know what you're scheming, Alice, but I will thank you kindly anyway, and decline your offer of your brother's services. I merely walk to the jail from here, and ride with my father home. He feels it improper for a young lady to be home unaccompanied."

I could see Alice's face fall, and then alight with joy as I told her this. The look in her eyes told me she hadn't given up on throwing her brother and me together. "Well, since Mr. Banner has sent Edward home to be bandaged properly, would your father think it amiss if I walked to the jail with you? My father could collect me from there."

I started to feel that I had misjudged Alice. Perhaps she only wanted to spend time with me herself? "I'm sure that would be fine Alice. I would enjoy your company." She clapped her hands with glee.

Happy with the thought that I had found a new friend, I was able to pull my thoughts from her brother and concentrate again on my schoolwork. The rest of the day seemed to fly by until Mr. Banner pulled out his pocket-watch and reached for the bell to dismiss us. Alice and I talked all the way to the jail. She told me about their travels on the trail, as well as about how some of the girls were so taken with Edward. For some reason I couldn't quite fathom, this thought unnerved me. As she was speaking I felt as if Alice was measuring my reaction, so I made sure to laugh at their antics.

When we reached the jail Pa sent a runner to the Masen home to make them aware that Alice was with me and that he would drive her home at the end of the day. We worked on our homework on Pa's desk, chatting about books we had read and learning of each other. The sun had long since set when Pa alerted us it was time to go home. He set us in the small wagon he used for hauling prisoners, something which Alice thought highly amusing, and drove towards the Masen home.

Upon our arrival there, her father greeted us, thanking Pa for allowing her to stay. Pa enquired after Edward, having learned from us what befell him that day, and was told he was fine. I was surprised when Alice asked her father if they could use one of the carriages to take to school and if he would allow them to pick me up so I wouldn't have to walk. She then surprised me further by asking if I could spend my afternoons with them instead of at the jail. She apparently was capable of convincing both of our fathers, despite my protests that it was unnecessary, and arranged a time for collecting me in the morning with a gleam in her eye.

As I hugged her goodnight I whispered into her ear, "Alice Masen, I don't know for sure what you are up to, but I will find out." I then climbed back into the wagon and Pa drove us home. I knew I should be thinking over what to prepare for supper, but my thoughts continuously strayed to the handsome boy I had bandaged earlier that day.

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**A/N**

**Those who captured runaway slaves were required to return them to their owners under the constitution (my own family was affected by this!), see Article IV Section 2, which was abolished with 13****th**** amendment.**

**Getshorty has made a lovely thread for me over on Twilighted under Alternate Universe - Human. Here's the link: www(dot)twilighted (dot) ?f=44&t=4844. Come by and play!**

**Review please!**


	3. Chapter 3 Learning

**As Usual, the characters aren't mine. **

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Chapter 3 - Learning

I was in a daze as I watched her race back into the schoolhouse. There were a couple times I feared for her, as she seemed to stumble on some hidden root or rock, but she managed to right herself and continue on in her haste.

I had thought her beautiful when I had spotted her as we walked into the school but had been disappointed by beautiful girls enough in the past to not pin my hopes on her. However, something just seemed to be different. She seemed wholly unaware of the lingering looks of many of the boys my age. Even my own glances had gone unheeded. And then, after I was hurt, how she rushed to my aid in spite of her own discomfort! I was so surprised by her reasoning, as if the fact that she was sickened by the aroma of the blood was unimportant! I was in awe that someone would care for another, a complete stranger to whom they had yet to be introduced. It marked her as selfless.

I continued to stare after her long after she had disappeared into the building, somewhat oblivious to my surroundings. Mr. Banner was asking me questions, apparently, and my lack of response seemed to cause him to grow more concerned regarding my general well-being. Alice, however, just giggled.

"He's fine, Mr. Banner," I heard her chuckle through my reverie. "I believe his dazed state might be due to something other than the injury to his head." I looked at her questioningly and saw that she did in fact have a smile upon her face, an eyebrow arched as she considered me.

"Perhaps he should go home," Mr. Banner replied. He turned to Emmett and asked, "Would you see him home please? I fear he might fall from his horse." When Emmett agreed, Mr. Banner turned to Alice, "Will you be able to walk home after lessons?"

"I'm sure I could entice Bella to allow me to accompany her home this evening," she responded.

"Bella? Her name is Bella?" I questioned.

"Ah, so something does pull him from his dazed state!" Her merriment was evident on her face. "Yes, Edward, her name is Bella. Is this what you wanted to know?"

"Yes, Alice. Thank you." I turned to Mr. Banner, "I don't believe Emmett needs to see me home, sir. I should be fine to ride there unescorted."

"All the same, I would feel better if Emmett accompanied you," he replied. I turned to Emmett as Mr. Banner continued, "Emmett really doesn't have that much more he can learn from me, so missing this afternoon will do him no harm."

I nodded and acquiesced to his recommendation. Alice smirked at me again and returned to the schoolhouse. I had never felt jealous of someone attending school before, but at this moment I wished that I was in Alice's place.

"Come along, Edward," I heard Emmett call. "We can talk about anything you like on the way to your home," he said with a grin. I gave him an answering smile, rising from the ground to alight onto Manitou. Emmett had gathered him from the corral near the school and put his tack on for me in fear I might not be able to do it myself. I was again grateful to have him, as my head truly was aching, the thought of walking that distance making me groan. "Are you up to riding?" Emmett enquired, fearing my groan was due to pain.

"I'm fit enough," I replied as I urged Manitou into a gentle walk. He had tried to break into a trot, but that had exacerbated the pain in my head, so I pulled him up short. I rode home in silence. Emmett must have either sensed my mood or assumed I was too shaken to talk, so he simply rode along in silence.

Since he worked as my father's driver, he also served as groom and upon our arrival he took the horses to the stable to care for them. As I handed over the reins and turned to the house I heard him call to me. "She's a good girl, Edward; more thoughtful than most. I'll warn you that romancing hasn't worked for any of the boys here. They've all complained that she's more interested in hearing what you think than what you feel." I looked him in the eye. Apparently he had assessed my mood and where my thoughts had led. I nodded to him in thanks and went in and up to my room to rest. Hopefully my headache would ease by the time Alice arrived home.

I awoke hours later to hear her downstairs talking excitedly with my parents about her afternoon with Bella. I listened in to hear how excited she was to find a friend. I knew it was wrong to eavesdrop, but I wanted to know what she thought was special about Bella without giving away my interest. I learned of her cooking abilities, how she loved to read, her plans for education, and how she hated to sew. I secretly wondered if my sister had sat her down and interrogated her the entire afternoon instead of just conversing! What shocked me the most, however, was when she informed my father that we would need the carriage from now on, as she had promised rides to and from school to Bella.

I quickly bounded from my bed, grateful to find my headache gone, and rushed down the stairs to confront Alice. "Alice! What do you mean we're taking her back and forth to school?" I practically shouted at her.

"Consider it a favor, Edward," she replied. "I think you might even thank me one day."

I wasn't sure about that but Alice very rarely led me wrong, so I decided to trust her judgment again. After supper we retired for the evening. I found I had trouble falling to sleep, and once I finally succumbed it was to dreams of a girl with brown hair, brown eyes, and a kind smile.

The morning found Alice excited to leave for school. I couldn't help but imagine it had far more to do with her new friend than any lesson Mr. Banner might have prepared for us. Simply because I loved to tweak her, I was sure to drag my feet and act surprised each time she tried to rush me out the door. I chuckled as she raced to the carriage, reacting with shock when she found Emmett there. She had forgotten that with his duties as mother's driver, he would also be responsible for us. I was further amused as he joined me in teasing her about the matter. It was a small carriage, and she was quite concerned over where Bella would sit. Emmett reminded her that Bella was a small girl, even if she wasn't as small as Alice, and would be able to squeeze in easily.

When we arrived at Bella's home we found her waiting outside her front door. I quickly alighted to offer her help and was much taken aback with her refusal. "I am perfectly capable of climbing into a carriage, I assure you Edward. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I need assistance."

"Ah, my lady disdain, I mean no offense. However, what kind of gentleman would I be if I failed to offer a lady assistance?" I questioned her.

"Ah, Shakespeare, very good. However, do you insist that a woman cannot climb into a carriage without the help of a man?"

I was pleasantly surprised she had caught my casual reference and couldn't resist continuing to verbally spar with her. "No such thing. Only that no man of quality would sit when the possibility of assistance might be required and not avail himself of the opportunity to offer such help as may be needed. It matters not whether the one needing assistance is male or female, only that the offer is made. I believe you made that quite clear yesterday in attending to my wound? Did my gender matter to you, or simply that I was injured?"

"The injury alone drove me forward," she replied.

"As the fact that you might at some time require assistance drives me. Now that is settled, may I offer you my hand?" I saw her glare at me, but underneath the glare was amusement. Even so, she took my hand and allowed me to assist her in climbing into the carriage. As our fingers connected I could feel a warmth spread up my arm that I had never before felt when holding the hand of a girl. I could tell she felt it also for she quickly looked at our joined hands, up to my face, and then down as she hurriedly moved to her seat and pulled her hand from mine.

I jumped back up into the carriage beside her, determined to carry on our conversation. She, however, had other intentions. She quickly rounded on Alice and began to ask her about her dress. Bella didn't appear to be the type who cared about clothing. Her dress was clean and well-made, but it was far from fashionable. I saw the look of confusion in Alice's face as well, and surmised that this had not been a topic of willing conversation the night before. Alice was a willing participant all the same, and I watched Bella closely as the conversation ensued.

It became apparent, within a few minutes, that Bella was bored. I found myself chuckling at her expressions as Alice spoke of lace and silk, fashion and Worth, Harper's and the lack of a decent dressmaker in Seattle. Occasionally my laughter would be loud enough for her to hear, and Bella would turn on me with a slight scowl. I couldn't help but continue to chuckle at her predicament, doing nothing to rescue her from my sister's long discussion on the merits of capes over coats.

As we arrived at school both Emmett and I quickly descended from the carriage. He helped Alice as I turned to offer my hand to Bella. She looked at my hand, grabbed the back of the seat and turned to alight without assistance. However, in her haste, she caught the bottom of her skirt under her shoe, and when she went to step down instead found herself unbalanced and began to fall. I quickly reached up to grab her about her waist before she hit the ground and in so doing had to pull her close to my chest. She was turned so that she was facing me and I found myself looking directly at her chest. I had gasped as I grabbed for her, and her scent overwhelmed me. She smelled of freesia and lavender and I couldn't help but wonder if she kept provender amongst her clothing.

I slowly lowered her down. I could feel her quick breaths as she descended down my body and I was sure to put her slightly away from me lest she become aware of my traitorous body's reaction to her nearness. As her feet touched down she looked up at me through her lashes. I couldn't ascertain whether or not she was pleased to be caught or not. I felt it might be a mixture of both, due to our earlier conversation. I couldn't resist the thought of tweaking her again, so I foolishly opened my mouth and said, "As you see, ladies should be attended to when they alight from a carriage in case of misfortune."

It was the wrong thing to say. I watched as embarrassment and then anger crossed her features. She quickly withdrew her arms from my shoulders, slightly pushing me away, and stormed into the school. I watched her retreat in horror, too late realizing my mistake. I could hear Emmett laughing beside me loudly. He clapped me soundly on the shoulder and guffawed, "If you wanted to upset her you succeeded. If your plan was to woo her you failed miserably!" I sighed, and with a chuckling Emmett in tow, walked doggedly into the schoolhouse.

I tried to catch her attention at school to apologize. She paid me no mind. On the ride home she continued to ignore my attempts at conversation. Upon arrival at our house, she immediately inquired of Alice which room was hers, and asked if she might visit it. They adjourned there and I saw them no more that evening until it was time for supper. I tried to engage them both in conversation and while Alice was as responsive as always, Bella was polite but refused to be engaged. I had tried everything. I could see that Alice had altered her hair in some way so I asked about it. I knew it was Alice because I could see that Bella fretted with it and Alice was always assuring her it was fine. I asked after their schoolwork and they both assured me it was finished. I even asked Bella about activities that the youth enjoyed on weekends. Her list was short and she merely turned back to Alice when asked to elaborate.

I finally sighed in resignation. I heard my father give a small laugh and looked up to see him wink at my mother. She winked back and I was just as lost as to the nature of their private joke as I was to how I would capture Bella's attention. I asked to be excused, and was dismissed. As I took my leave of the girls it seemed I saw regret on Bella's face. It was only for an instance, so I was very possibly mistaken. I made my way outside and found her father coming up the drive. He greeted me warmly, shaking my hand, and quickly accepted my offer to collect Bella for him.

I returned inside to announce his arrival and offered to walk Bella out to him. Surely she couldn't refuse me now? Alice began to protest, however, indicating it was her duty as a friend. Thankfully Pa intervened and informed her that a lady should be escorted by a gentleman. I secretly wondered on Bella's thoughts of that but upon looking at her detected no malice at the sentiment. I offered her my arm to walk her out and was pleased when she took it. As we ventured to the front, I took my opportunity. "Bella, I do apologize sincerely for what I said this morning. My intent was not to offend but merely to tease. I'm afraid I take that liberty far too often with Alice. Will you accept?"

I had turned to her as I spoke, keeping her arm locked with mine. It had the unintended result of pulling her closer into me and I found myself mere inches from her face. I had never had a desire to kiss a girl prior to this but now found myself awash in the heat of my longing. I knew it would be wholly improper so I relinquished her arm and stepped back from her. Something akin to disappointment seemed to pass over her face quickly, only to be replaced by determination. "I will accept," she spoke assuredly even if with a mild tone, "perhaps we can have a more appropriate conversation tomorrow?"

Ah, so I wasn't wholly from her good opinion! I wracked my brain to try to come up with a topic of which I thought she would approve. "Is literature appropriate?" I asked, trying to keep my excitement from my voice.

"It is. Was there something in particular you would wish to discuss?"

"What are you currently reading?"

"Frederick Douglas, _My Bondage and My Freedom_," was her reply.

I was quite taken aback. This book was only published a few years before. I had read it and quickly nodded in acceptance. I could see her father watching us with intensity as we loitered on the porch outside the front door so I reached to pull her arm through mine again and delivered her to her father. "Until morning," I said in wishing her goodnight.

"Until morning," she replied. Her father glanced between us again, clicked to the horses, and quickly set off for home. I remained in the yard until I could no longer see them and then quietly returned to the house and to my own bed.

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**Many thanks to Stavanger1 and whenpoetryrises for their wonderful help and encouragement! If you haven't read their stories then you are missing out!**


	4. Chapter 4 Growing

**Standard disclaimer, still not mine. I'm just having fun with them.**

**Stavanger1 and whenpoetryrises are the best! Trust me, you would be reading sentences that went on for pages without them.  
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Chapter 4 – Growing

As we left the Masen's I could feel Pa's discomfiture hang in the air. I knew he would ask eventually, so I decided to prompt him. With a sigh I asked, "Yes, Pa? Was something bothering you?"

"I don't mean to call you out Bells, but I was under the impression you were visiting with Alice, not Edward," he said uncomfortably. He knew I never lied to him, and was surprised by the situation he saw in front of the Masen home.

I could tell this made him uncomfortable and so I put him at ease with a laugh. "I spent the entire afternoon and evening with Alice, Pa. I hadn't spoken with Edward since this morning, and only did so just now since he decided to apologize."

I realized my slip at once when his head jerked up from the road to look at me closely. "Apologize? What on earth would he have to apologize for?"

"It was something he said this morning that irked me," I replied. I didn't want to say too much as I had an inkling that Pa might take his side in the matter. He was always saying I was too independent minded.

"What did he do? Try to be a gentleman?" Pa laughed. As soon as he said it I felt the blush fly up my cheeks. He watched my reaction with understanding and said with a sigh, "Ah Bella, you need to allow boys to treat you proper. Perhaps I've not raised you with enough decorum. I know what attracted me to your mother, but I have no idea on how to be a proper lady."

A few years after I had been born Ma had died from one of the fevers that had spread through the city. Chief Billy's wife had died of the same fever within days of my own mother, leaving the chief with an infant son, and I wondered if the shared grief had helped the men bond. I knew Pa had relied on the women of the town to teach me some of the basics I needed to know; things such as cooking, cleaning, sewing, how to deal with my time of the month and such. He taught me to read, how to tend animals, raise food, the law, and probably the most damning of all, how to think. It was something that set me apart from other girls my age. Sometimes I wondered if he secretly regretted asking me thought-provoking questions when I was young.

"I'm sorry Pa, but too often it seems the more gentlemanly they act, the lower the intelligence they believe a woman to have," I complained. "Why can't there be a man who appreciates a woman who thinks _and_ treats me proper?"

"Not a bad thing to hope for sweetheart. Perhaps you'll find him one day. Your Ma had a rich mind and expected me to treat her as a queen. Don't feel you have to give up one for the other, which means don't berate them for treating you properly, but do if they think you dim-witted," he chastised with a smile. I knew he meant well and resolved to accept his advice, even if it grated from time to time. Perhaps Edward would be different. We traveled the rest of the distance in silence, my thoughts lingering on him as I prepared for bed and drifted to sleep.

I awoke in the morning excited for my discussion with Edward. I wondered if he had in reality read the book. I was curious as to his opinion on slavery, and if there would be a war soon. The debates I read about in the paper that were happening in congress seemed more and more heated, and the compromises some were trying to reach were being ignored.

I rushed quickly through getting ready. Pa noticed my hurry and asked who I was excited to see more, Alice or Edward. I had to think on my answer, for I honestly didn't know. I could tell by the look on his face that he wasn't pleased by my hesitancy but he said nothing.

I stood in front of the house to wait for the Masens, contemplating Pa's words. I knew I felt something around Edward I had never experienced before. Whether it was frustration or desire, I knew not. I forced myself to consider what I had wanted prior to meeting him. College was high on the list. Becoming educated seemed to be the loftiest goal for a woman but after that, then what? Deep down I had the desire to be a wife and mother as well. I knew that desire didn't diminish my other goal but I wanted a certain order to things. However, if the order was compromised, but the goals were still achieved, would it really matter in the end?

I was no closer to an epiphany when I heard the carriage round the corner. I quickly noted that Emmett was missing and was alternately concerned over his absence and pleased with the obvious effortless way Edward held the reins. I took in his stance, comfortable and completely at ease. I saw how his gentle touch guided the horse and how the beast kept one ear turned back listening to the soothing sounds of his voice. The animal both led and was guided by the man at the reins. There was no controlling; it was two working together for a common objective. The horse relinquished to Edward the power to guide the way while Edward relinquished to him his head to choose the best footing. Edward had taken a frolicsome animal and with patience and love channeled the energy into a truly symbiotic relationship.

When they stopped in front of me, I could see his questioning smile. Alice bid me good morning, and I returned it cheerily. I was truly happy to see her. "So," she asked, "my brother has informed me that these morning rides will be time for debate? Emmett has begged off. Apparently he isn't interested."

I laughed and asked her, "Are you joining in, Alice? Did he have you read the book as well?"

"Oh, I assure you Bella, there is nothing he has read that I have not." I was honestly amazed at her admission. She had always seemed so easily mannered and her topics of discussion never hinted at the depth of her reading. "Don't be so surprised! Just because I prefer discussing fabric and notions doesn't mean I'm not interested in what Edward calls 'deeper subjects'." I laughed and apologized. She readily accepted and asked me a question I had not anticipated, "Well, then, based on your reading of Mr. Douglass, would you consider his situation to be what is experienced by all slaves, or was it abnormal?"

The three of us spent the next few weeks discussing literature. We started with Mr. Douglass' work, and moved on to Holmes, Melville, Longfellow, Thoreau, and Whitman. Both Alice and I sat entranced as Edward read Longfellow's Hiawatha to us. I reveled in the cadence of his voice, and spent my evenings imagining it as I read those works we had agreed to discuss. As I went to bed each night, I could remember him wishing me a good night, and found myself dreaming of him being beside me. These dreams caused me to blush deeply when I awoke and only served to increase my anticipation of seeing him each morning.

The first couple weekends away were interminable. Afterwards, I found myself making excuses to visit Alice. Pa was pleased, as he always felt that I had kept too much to myself. She busied herself taking my measurements, and we worked on designing everyday dresses for school. She was lucky enough to have purchased a Singer sewing machine when she was at Fort Nasqually and so could piece the dresses quickly. She had wanted to have dresses that required crinolines, but I demurred, explaining that they would be difficult under the desks at school, and so she settled for less full skirts with mere petticoats underneath. Edward would occasionally peek his head in while we stitched and planned and not infrequently quote from Whitman's _Leaves of Grass_ to occupy our minds while we busied our hands. Alice had difficulty reaching the treadle while guiding the material through her Singer, so I would sit on the floor and pump it while she worked the fabric. Edward seemed to find this arrangement amusing, and had offered to push the treadle himself, but I preferred listening to him read.

Our talks on literature ended with John Brown's attack on Harper's Ferry in October. Alice and I were in a state. We knew many of the boys our age would likely be going off to war if it came to that. There were fewer talks of compromise, and more talk of secession. We started following the papers for who the presidential candidates would be. The Democratic Party was splitting over the issue of slavery and the Republican Party and the Constitutional Union Party were created. We read about the candidates positions from each party. Fear settled into our hearts as we realized that the differences were simply becoming too great. People were holding fast to ideas and issues. Blood had been flowing in Kansas because of the fight over whether it would be a Slave or Free State. What if this turmoil spread west? Alice and I frequently lamented the fact that Edward seemed to be excited for war and even planned to join a regiment if one formed here in Washington Territory.

In the midst of the turmoil, I felt my desire for Edward's company grow. At Christmas he had given me a small gift of Shakespeare's Sonnets. How I treasured that book. I spent many an hour reading it, imagining his voice. This wasn't difficult to do as he often came to my house and read the sonnets to me under Pa's watchful eye. He always brought Alice along and for quite some time I thought he came only to attend her. It was a dreary day in March when she came alone. I was concerned at his absence, fearing he might be ill. She reassured me with a laugh, "Bella, he has been secretly training so that he might throw Emmett. Surely you remember last fall? He feels he might do better without you as a distraction."

"Oh, Alice, but he was hurt last time! Surely this isn't safe!" My concern was growing by the second and I quickly reached for my coat to run to the Masen's home.

Charlie noticed my panic and called to me, "Bells, you leave those boys alone! They'll be just fine and if you interfere they will be put out with you." I knew the truth of his words, but why would Edward hide this from me? Were we not friends? Why would I be a distraction? I started pestering Alice with my concerns and she merely laughed at me.

"Bella, he knows you wouldn't approve because you fear he would be hurt again. That's why he kept this from you. However, he is a boy and boys wrestle! He wouldn't feel right having lost to Emmett without having a rematch." Her voice was light and happy as she discounted my concerns.

"Then why would I be a distraction? If he is so focused on his goal, how is my presence a problem?" I asked worriedly. It was my fear that his only reason for visiting was to accompany Alice. "If I was such a distraction for him, perhaps I should discontinue going to your home so frequently?" I inquired further.

"Isabella Marie! Don't you stop coming over, nor will I discontinue my visits here. Do you honestly believe you are an unwelcome distraction?" she smirked.

"That seems apparent, Alice, as he didn't want me there," I retorted.

She just shook her head at me. "Bella," she said with a sigh, "you are an unwelcome distraction when he's _wrestling_, but only then." She walked over to me and took my hand. "Why do you think he's always escorting me to your house? What makes him stay instead of just leaving and coming back at a prearranged time? Have you not noticed his fascination with you?"

Her questions came quickly. I barely had time to process what she was saying when Pa chimed in, "It's fairly obvious to me, Bells. That's why I'm always here when they visit."

I had always thought that Pa was overreacting. Edward was only a friend, after all. He never did anything to make me feel differently about our relationship. When I expressed this to them, they merely laughed. I know my thoughts frequently drifted to him, but did it occur more often than I thought of Alice? I had begun to think of him as a dear friend. However, a friend would stay away when asked. So I sat with Alice as we worked our lessons and then retreated to the fire and allowed her to continue teaching me to embroider. Although, I mused, why anyone would beautify their petticoats when no one could see them was something I simply didn't understand.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

The school year was ending soon; many students had begun to miss school in order to spend time in the fields planting. Our situations were quite a bit different than most students in that our families didn't have farms. So we looked forward to the break from schoolwork, whereas others dreaded it, knowing the hard labor that would be before them in the fields. Would Edward want to visit when schoolwork no longer beckoned? It was likely that he would hire to work in the fields as many other young men do. Alice had told me his birthday; he would be seventeen soon, and so was expected to work.

Edward and Emmett's wrestling match had ended in a draw. Neither had thrown the other, and apparently it was decided after five minutes of struggling that they would call the match. Whenever I saw Emmett from then on, he asked me to attend all his wrestling matches as he was sure I could be the cause of many a boy not paying attention. This always caused me to blush furiously, and if Edward was ever present he would come to my side and laughingly try to defend my honor, claiming a lady would never use her advantages in that way. I was unsure what advantage I may have, but would always smile up at Edward for his kind words. Sometimes when I did this it appeared that he wasn't breathing.

Word quickly got out about the match, and Edward received many offers from families seeking help in their fields. Because of his family situation he felt it important to help those less able to pay. "I have no need of the funds, after all," he expressed to me one day, "and they have great need for the help." He did take some meager pay, not wanting them to feel like a charity case. I was impressed by his tact in how he wanted to give help while still leaving them their pride.

I was also pleased with the results of his labor on his body. Whenever he was near, and not looking at me, I would chance a glance in his direction to see how his body was filling out. He was quickly losing the lankiness of youth and developing the hard muscles of a man. From time to time I would look up and see him with his trademark raised eyebrow and half-smile as he considered my perusal of his body. Whenever I was caught I would turn away quickly and blush furiously, hearing him chuckle behind me.

Sometimes, however, the tables would turn. I spent June trying to teach Alice to cook and occasionally I would be in their kitchen with her and spy him in the doorway watching us. Only, it seemed as if his eyes were trained solely on me. I would look at him until he realized that I had stopped moving and was watching him watch me. He would blush lightly also, then mumble incoherently and leave, followed by Alice's laugh.

Alice had insisted on throwing a lavish party for his birthday. As we had not yet been introduced to society, it couldn't be a ball, but she was sure to have it in the evening so that those of our friends who were working the family farms could make it. She was able to convince Edward to play for us on the piano in the music room. It was then he gave me a gift for his own birthday. He had taken to humming a tune whenever he worked, and had written it down. He told me in secret that it reminded him of me. When I asked why he had given me a gift for his birthday he said, "No Bella, it is you who has given the gift to me. I would have never thought of this song if it hadn't been for your companionship."

As the summer progressed he took to calling on Alice and I in whatever activity we were engaged in after cleaning up from his work. He also started becoming much more forward with me. He was always taking my hand to help me rise and keeping hold of it longer than necessary. From time to time I felt him reach out to take hold of my arm to steady me if I became unbalanced, and then pull it through his as we continued to walk. He insisted it was to keep me from falling but I hoped it was more. Alice would just roll her eyes at us. If we were indoors he took to reading aloud new books that arrived at the docks to our utter enjoyment. He had such a lovely speaking voice and sometimes had us in hysterics as he tried to mimic a woman's voice if one was speaking in the text. I could tell he truly enjoyed laughter for he began to take to doing anything to draw it from us.

Alice became quite excited as August started to wane. The debutante ball would be happening at the end of September and she was thrilled to be able to come out. Although no boy caught her attention, she longed to be able to go to balls and dance. She insisted that Edward had to teach me to dance, which he was kind enough to agree to, so that I didn't embarrass myself at the ball. She also said that she had the perfect gown for me. Apparently it had been made by Frederick Worth, someone all the other girls raved about, and indicated that it would be quite simple to alter it to fit me.

At the first of my dancing lessons I was quite embarrassed. I had never had much coordination, and was known to trip over my own feet, but Edward was a lovely dancer and very patient with me. The first time I stepped on one of his feet I wanted to die in mortification but he laughed that it wasn't the first time he had been stepped on and insisted it didn't hurt. At the beginning of our lessons he held me far from his body so that I could watch his feet. As I became more adept he drew my body in towards his so that it sometimes seemed as if we floated together. At least until I stepped on his foot again.

His mother frequently attended these lessons, providing the music on the piano as we danced. She was also quite patient, frequently standing beside me lifting her skirts so I could watch her feet as we moved in tandem while Edward or Alice played. Whenever I became frustrated she would smile and hug me, explaining it would take time and commenting on my improvement regularly. I learned the minuet, something Mrs. Masen remembered with fondness from her courting days, as well as the waltz and the polka.

School started back up during this time and I was quite surprised to see that some of the boys were paying more attention to me than they had previously. I had never taken an interest in them, other than as acquaintances, so couldn't understand their sudden interest in me. I confided my feelings to both Alice and Edward and was astonished at their reactions. Alice laughed at me and told me that she found me quite lovely and wasn't at all surprised. Edward's words were, "You don't see yourself very clearly." He then seemed to station himself as my own personal bodyguard, glaring at all the other young men that came near. When I questioned his actions he looked at me, and quite seriously stated, "You don't see them very clearly either. Please tell me you have no fondness for any of them."

"No, Edward. My heart doesn't lie with them," I replied.

"Has any man drawn your affections?" he questioned me.

I looked down at my skirts, smoothing out the smalls pleats of fabric as I debated my answer. I knew my feelings for him had grown beyond that of the friendship we shared but I was unsure if they were reciprocated. I chanced to glance up at him and decided to answer to the best of my ability. "Perhaps one has."

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**A/N**

**Thanks to all you lovely ladies who have read this story, and a special thanks to those who review! I so appreciate them.**

**Some of you have mentioned that you really like historical fiction, so I highly recommend _Duty and Desire_ by Aspenleaf. Trust me, you won't be sorry.  
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	5. Chapter 5 The Dance

**This early update goes out to my2galspal, who has been such an awesome reviewer! I hope you're having fun with the rugrats! I promise, this chapter will make you swoon.  
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**Many thanks to my two amazing betas, Stavanger1 and whenpoetryrises. Without whenpoetryrises, you wouldn't have this chapter, because it somehow got deleted, and she still had it. Many thanks! Hugs and kisses!  
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**SM still owns the characters. Sigh.**

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**Chapter 5 – The Dance

I continued to glance up at him after my admission. Why had I decided to be so transparent? Would he accept my feelings as true? Would he reciprocate, or would he rather remain friends? The ball was fast approaching, and I had hoped he would want to dance with me in public as willingly as he did when giving me lessons in his parlor. What would I do if his feelings for me hadn't progressed as mine for him had done?

I saw first surprise, then confusion, and last worry reflect in his eyes. As I watched the emotions flash across his face, I began to wonder if I had been transparent enough. I longed to tell him it was himself that had caught my heart but was too afraid to proclaim myself further. I continued to keep my eyes trained to his, hoping he could read my heart in my gaze. After what seemed an endless period of time he broke contact with me and looked over my shoulder.

"I see. And am I acquainted with this gentleman?" he asked me solemnly.

I couldn't stifle my laugh. Acquainted with him? Did he truly not realize I was speaking of him? He looked back at me sharply when he heard me, and I continued to lose control over my senses. "Yes, I would say you are intimately acquainted with him, Edward. In fact, no one knows him better than you." My laughter began to take over me at this point. Alice came over to enquire what was so funny, but when she asked I truly lost complete control and my emotions bubbled over until I was clutching my sides from laughing so hard. How can this man, who all the girls pined over, not realize my feelings for him?

"Bella, are you all right?" Alice asked me, concern etched in her voice. "What joke did you tell her, Edward?" she demanded.

"I merely asked if I was acquainted with the gentleman who held her affections," he replied, laughter beginning to come to his lips in response to my own.

I looked over at Alice to see her also begin to giggle. "Oh, Edward," she said with a lilting voice, "you are amusing." She then turned to me, "Come, Bella, we need to finalize what we're going to do for your birthday party tomorrow. You are turning seventeen, so it needs to be perfect."

That sobered me up in a hurry. "Oh, Alice, please no!" I exclaimed. I turned to Edward, "Please don't allow her to do this to me!"

"As I recall, you seemed to think it was a fine idea to inflict her grand schemes upon my birthday. You can't honestly believe I will allow you to escape, do you?" he smirked back. "Besides, I'm intrigued by the guest list. I'm hoping to figure out who this young man is."

With a sigh I allowed Alice to pull me away from him. "Alice –" I began, but then really didn't know how to continue.

"Are you going to ask if you have to have the party, or how you should go about letting my brother know he is the one?" she inquired.

"Both," was my simple answer.

She laughed again at me. "This is why I love you so, Bella. But don't fret over either. I know how to make them both work out to your satisfaction."

"You haven't invited everyone, have you?" I was sincerely concerned. The last thing I desired was to have everyone watching me for fear of embarrassing myself.

"I'm your best friend, Bella. I promise neither will meet with your disapproval."

I leveled a look at her, "And, pray tell, why did we not have a party for your birthday? As I recall, you refused to even discuss the subject until after it was past."

"I'm the only one who plans nice parties," she answered, "and it would be gauche to have planned my own." I stared at her in amazement. I couldn't believe she wouldn't have allowed me to at least try to plan one for her! "Besides," she continued, "this way no one knows how old I truly am."

I couldn't believe how unfair that was! I expressed this to her as we walked to my house. We had previously decided to walk to my home after school for two reasons. First, Pa desired my company, although I honestly believed that had more to do with a hot meal than any conversation that may take place. And second, it was such a fine fall day that the thought of prolonging our time out-of-doors before the cold and wet set in was far too tempting to be ignored. Edward was taking the carriage back to their home and would be coming later to collect Alice.

She continued to laugh at my ranting and finally said, "Bella, fair is a place you go to look at animals, eat sweets, and enter homemaking goods into a contest. Other than that, it doesn't exist." When she said this, I was provoked speechless and stopped in my tracks.

Alice quickly realized I was no longer following her and turned to grab hold of my hand. "Come along, Bella," she insisted. She dragged me into my house and sat at the small table, placing her homework upon it. Due to my annoyance, I simply huffed at her and set about preparing dinner. I pulled some trout Pa had caught the day before from the ice-box. I stuffed it with some herbs that I had hanging over the fireplace that I mixed with some rendered fat. I then busied myself mixing some batter for drop biscuits, taking my frustrations with the party out on the dough.

Alice watched me for a bit, and then said with a sigh, "I thought if you over-beat the batter it would make the biscuits tough." I knew she was just trying to get me to talk to her, and I knew I was being childish, so I relented.

"That's true. I'm sorry Alice. I just really don't want a huge affair." I tried hard to have it not come out as a whine.

"You need to have more trust in me. It's only going to be your father and my family. I've invited Emmett, and I expect he'll bring Rose, but I promise that's all," she told me in a conciliatory tone. Before I could offer anything she added, "The lavish part is just in the cake and decorations. You won't be disappointed."

"Fine," I answered, trying to not be ungrateful. "But please no presents. There's nothing I need."

"Oh, I won't agree to that! I do know you will be pleased, however." She then turned back to her homework as I finished supper.

Pa came home shortly after our little spat and seemed most appreciative of my cooking for him. I felt a little bad for having deserted him so many evenings, but he told me he understood and simply asked that I be around at least half the week. I knew this wasn't unreasonable, so I quickly agreed.

After washing up, Alice and I made quick work of our schoolwork and she helped me with my chores. As it was fall, there was much produce that needed to be put up so that we had vegetables all winter. My home was better equipped for this since I had everything we needed. As our hands were busy, we talked of the upcoming dance and I was unsurprised that she hadn't taken a liking to any of the boys. She said to me, "I know the right one is out there, I just haven't met him yet. I feel I'll know when I do." We then spoke of my concern over expressing myself more fully to Edward. She promised me that she would speak to him tonight. With the dance only a couple weeks away I wanted him to have no doubts as to my feelings. The very thought of dancing with someone else made me sad.

Edward came to collect Alice about an hour after nightfall. We had just finished pulling the last of the night's labors out of the water bath to cool, listening with satisfaction as we heard the seals set on the jars. Edward helped us move them into the barn where I had storage and then assisted Alice as she climbed into the carriage. He reached over and took my hand to wish me a goodnight. I could see that he was still worried slightly and felt myself smile in wonderment that he could be so unsure. I couldn't resist the urge to try to set his mind at ease, so I pulled on his hand to bring his face level with mine and quickly placed a small kiss on his cheek. His eyes alit, I quickly gave a small curtsy, wished Alice a good night, and ran into the house.

The next morning Pa teased me, asking if he needed to lock me in the wagon where the prisoners were kept to get me to the party that evening. I rolled my eyes at him and explained that I would go willingly, seeing as how it was only the two families and possibly a couple more. Edward and Alice collected me for school as normal, and as a present to me, didn't mention to any that it was my birthday. The day progressed as expected, with Edward smirking and Alice being exceedingly excited. I just ignored both of them. They dropped me off at my home after school, and after dinner, I went to their house with Pa.

I was quite surprised by my presents. Apparently Pa had colluded with the Masens and they had bought me my own Singer sewing machine. I was quite surprised by this, and Alice was ecstatic because now we could both sew at the same time. At least she was until I asked who would be pushing her treadle for her. Her father assured her they would figure something out.

Alice gave me one of her Frederick Worth dresses which I had admired. It was the blue satin one with a black lace overlay. She also gave me short, black lace hand gloves that had the fingers bare. There was a note included in the package that she also had a new corset and crinolines for me but thought it would be improper for me to open those in front of the gentlemen. When I tried to argue that it was too much she pointed out that I needed an ensemble for the dance and that this would fit the bill perfectly. To her mind, she was just being practical.

Emmett and Rose gave me a bolt of material, knowing I would be receiving the machine. It was a lovely shade of dark blue and I could see that Edward was quite pleased with the color. He told me that he thought it would be lovely against my skin. I blushed profusely at this comment.

Edward had purchased me a copy of Melville's _Moby Dick_, which I was quite excited to receive. He had also written down the tune he was always humming and gave me a copy. It must have taken him hours to meticulously draw the staffs and notes so neatly. I knew I would always treasure this as it was a piece of him. The highlight of my evening was when he sat at the piano and played it for me. I had sat on a chair pulled up close to his stool so I could watch him play. As the music washed over me, I felt tears slide down my cheek. At the end of the piece I merely looked at him with a smile of gratitude. I found I had lost my voice. He reached over and captured one of my tears and brought it to his lips to taste. I felt as if we were the only two people in the room. At least until I heard my father clear his throat and indicate that it was late, we had school in the morning, and so we had best be going.

The next two weeks progressed quickly. Edward and I didn't speak any more of our feelings but I noticed that his hand lingered on mine a bit longer whenever he helped me into and out of the carriage. He would occasionally reach up to touch my face, his fingers trailing lightly over my cheekbone. From time to time he would also wrap an arm around me to give me a small hug, although those moments were short and he always quickly stepped away afterwards.

I, on the other hand, couldn't seem to get enough of the sight, smell and touch of him. I found myself leaning in to his hugs and quickly taking in a deep breath to capture the essence of him. A part of me worried that he might be misinterpreting those deep breaths to be me not desiring his closeness. So I took to attempting to wrap an arm around him in return. The first time I was successful he did linger a bit longer and had a beautiful smile upon his face. From that point forward he would give me time to return the affection but would still walk away afterwards.

The morning of the dance Alice had asked me to rush over as soon as my chores were done. As I wasn't interested in being primped all day, I loitered. I think Pa figured out what the problem was, however, and banished me from the house at noon. He was mumbling something about how he didn't want to risk Alice's wrath and that he would rather do the chores himself than endure a chastisement from her. I wasn't really looking forward to climbing the hill to their home, and so was quite pleasantly surprised to find Edward pulling up in their carriage.

"I was sent to fetch you," he called to me. "Apparently I'm to drive you to my house, and return here if the chores still need to be done." Charlie had heard him and poked his head out to wave us on and assure Edward his help wasn't needed.

I secretly thought Charlie may have been planning on relaxing as Chief Billy had dropped by a couple nights ago with many bottles of new ale. I asked him not to drink too much, to which he affected a hurt expression and said, "Don't worry Bells. I won't embarrass you."

Edward had hopped down to help me into the carriage. When he took my hand to assist me, I felt that all too familiar desire flash through my fingertips. I couldn't seem to stop the blush that lit my face and glanced at Edward to see if he had noticed. Thankfully, he was walking around the front of the carriage to climb up so I felt I was safe. However, when I looked up to wish Pa good-bye, I realized that he had noticed and looked quite uncomfortable and worried. I smiled at him and waved, which he returned as he turned back into the house.

When Edward had situated himself next to me I reached down my hand to brace myself on the seat as we lurched forward. This wasn't at all unusual. What was different was that I placed my hand a bit closer than normal hoping he would want to take hold of it. While I was somewhat disappointed that he didn't take hold, I was excited to feel him place his hand such that our pinkies were touching. We both looked at each other and smiled. Words seemed to escape us for once as we traveled the miles to his home.

Before the carriage even came to a stop, Alice was out the door trying to pull me down. "Bella, why are you so late? I've already had my bath and there's a fresh one for you. There is new soap with lavender in it for your hair and the maids are pressing your dress. There are fresh towels also and I've secured a file to shape your nails. I also have a couple curling rods heating over the fire for when your hair has dried. It's going to be so pretty with the new snood and bonnet! Oh, and I've managed –"

"Alice! Please stop!" I laughed. "I honestly can't follow you, you're speaking so fast." I was stumbling physically to keep up with her as she dragged me up the stairs to her room and was totally lost as to what she was saying. "Please, again, much slower."

"Fine. Bath first, be sure to wash your hair with the lavender soap," she huffed as she pushed me towards the spare room on her floor.

I quickly undressed and melted into the warm water of the bath. Bathing like this was such a luxury and I was determined to enjoy every minute of it. I languished in the tub until the water began to chill and then made sure to wash my hair and body quickly. As I was about to rinse off, Alice came in with a fresh pot of warm water. She poured it over my head so that I could be cleanly rinsed. It was heaven.

She handed me a towel as I stepped out of the tub and I dried myself quickly, put on a robe, and sat by the fire so the heat would help to dry my hair. Since it was so thick, Alice insisted upon brushing it out as it dried. We chatted about school, classmates, what we expected would happen at the dance, and if we thought our fathers would allow us to walk about with boys, chaperoned of course, now that we had been introduced to society. The one topic we didn't discuss was Edward.

Alice had used the curling rod on her own hair as I was bathing and had it arranged so that it was parted in the middle, waved, poofed over her ears, and rolled into a bun at the base of her neck. She had attached a snood that matched her dress to it to keep it in place, with a coordinating ribbon that wrapped over the top of her head. I knew the ribbon would be used to help secure the bonnet she was planning to wear. After my hair dried, she set to work arranging mine similarly. The only difference was that my snood matched the lace of my dress.

Once our hair met her satisfaction she helped me into my corset. I reminded her that I would want to be able to breathe whilst I danced. She laughed and told me my figure was fine, and it was only necessary as a foundation to the dress. Once the corset was secure, she placed the crinoline over my head. I had never walked in one before, or sat for that matter, so she spent the next hour instructing me.

She placed a book upon my head and had me walk. This was no problem as we had played at this exercise before. However, this time I had to make sure my crinolines stayed down and didn't sway from side to side with my gait. Alice kept admonishing me, "It should look as if you're floating on air, not on a river!" When she was satisfied that I floated properly, she had me try to sit. The first time I attempted to sit down the hoops popped up over my head! I couldn't push them down and Alice was no help as she was so busy laughing at me. She pulled me up from the chair and showed me how to grab hold of the sides of the first layer of hoop and lift them slightly backwards. This changed the placement of my bottom in regards to the hoop. It was now behind me instead of underneath me, allowing the dress to lay flat in front.

After the lessons, she sat in front of the mirror and applied a small amount of rouge to her cheeks and lips. She turned to do the same to me, but then tilted her head, gave me a look and put them away. "I'm sure as soon as you see Edward you will have plenty of color in your cheeks." I blushed immediately at her comment. "See?" she said. "Also, if he happens to kiss you, you won't want anything on your lips to get onto him."

I blushed furiously at this and shushed her. "I doubt that will happen, Alice. He's never attempted such a thing before."

"Be that as it may," she answered, "I'm sure he would prefer you without cosmetics."

Once she was finished putting the makeup away, she threw a petticoat over my crinolines so that the dress would lie smoothly and the hoops wouldn't show. Then she placed the dress over my head and turned me around to do up the buttons. Once they were all secured, she smoothed the skirts over my petticoat. I returned the favor, helping her into her own undergarments and dress, laughing at how ridiculous I felt we looked in our fancy clothes in the middle of a logging town.

My dress had short sleeves and layers of ruffles that descended from my shoulders to meet at a point at my waist. The skirt was extremely full and split in the front, exposing the underskirt beneath. The top skirt reached as far as just below my knees, and from there the underskirt cascaded in layers of ruffles to the floor. It was made from a medium blue silk and the black lace that covered the silk seemed to dance over the material, causing the dress to seem to shimmer and change colors as the light hit from different directions. It was quite long, reaching past my feet even with the crinolines. Upon questioning Alice, she handed me a pair of boots to wear that had a heel that was at least two inches high. I reminded her that I was less than graceful, and she assured me I would be fine, and that if I should fall then Edward would be more than happy to catch me. I laughed at her and reached for the door.

My laughter died once I opened the door to the spare room and saw Edward sitting in the hall waiting for us to emerge. He was immaculate. His hair was secured in a leather thong at the base of his neck and he had apparently made use of some pomade to smooth it into obedience. He had on long dark trousers that fit to his form. Above this he had a white shirt with a high collar and a small ascot tied below his chin. A vest was buttoned over the shirt and fit closely to his chest, emphasizing the broad expanse of his shoulders and the narrowness of his waist and hips. He had his long black coat with tails thrown over his arm as he stood to greet us. I was transfixed as he seemed to glide effortlessly over to us and took my hand in his, raising it to his lips to place a kiss on my knuckles.

"Bella," he stated.

"Hmm?" was my witty retort.

"Breathe," he chuckled. I drew in a ragged breath and felt my face alight once again with my almost ever-present blush. "Bella, you look divine," he added, then turned to his sister, "as do you, sister dear."

Alice chirped back, "Thank you Edward." She reached out her arm to hook it into Edward's. "You may now escort us to the dance." Edward laughed and pulled my hand he still had a hold of through his arm, caught his sister's arm and we descended the stairs together. Their mother watched as we came down and expressed how she wished she had found someone to take a photograph, but Edward explained that we probably didn't have the twenty-five minutes necessary to stand still for the emulsion on the glass plate to capture the image properly. Nor did he want to smell the chemicals necessary for processing.

His mother also looked lovely in her ball gown and explained to me that she and Mr. Masen would be joining us shortly. He was currently collecting my father, would come and retrieve Mrs. Masen, and then follow us to the dance.

After helping us into the carriage, Edward took the time to lay a blanket over our skirts so they wouldn't be dirtied on the trip. He lithely jumped up to the driver's seat and urged the newly acquired matched team of grays on. They were quite fast, and Alice complained that her bonnet would blow off and her hair ruined if he didn't slow. He turned to look at me and reined in the team so that there was hardly any wind.

Upon arrival at the town hall, Edward handed off the reins to a groomsman hired to tend the teams and carriages. He helped each of us down and surprised me by taking my arm and allowing Alice to scamper ahead. She waited for us at the front door so that we could be announced together.

As we entered, I was struck by the elaborate decorations. There was bunting hanging from the rafters in colors of navy blue and white. Large chandeliers had been hung from the ceiling, filled to capacity with drip-less candles, causing the room to be bright and warm. Sconces on the walls also held candles, ensuring no corner was left unlit. The doors and windows were thrown open, letting in the cool air of the fall night, and letting out the heat generated by the candles and the people within. The fireplaces at each end of the hall were filled with wood, ready to light, but remained cold until needed. A small orchestra was playing a minuet on a dais in the corner and a long table was set up with refreshments and punch along the back of the dance floor.

I could feel my excitement grow at the thought of perhaps having a couple dances with Edward. We walked over to a table that was across from the refreshment table and Alice and I removed our dance cards from our wrists. There were many boys there, mingling with the girls, filling their names on the lines on the cards. We saw Rosalie there with Emmett and she showed me how he had simply written his name across the entire card, claiming her for every dance. No one was surprised by this, and we all laughed together as Emmett just shrugged his shoulders and explained that he would never allow anyone that close to his Rose.

I awaited my turn at the table and as soon as a spot cleared I placed my card upon it. It was quickly snatched up! I looked to see who had it, and took in a quick gasp of air when I saw it was Edward. He looked at me shyly and asked, "How many dances may I claim?"

I don't know what emboldened me. Perhaps it was seeing Rose's dance card. Perhaps it was that I wanted to be sure he knew it was him I had set my eye upon. Perhaps it was simply that the thought of him dancing with anyone else made me feel like a gaping wound had opened up in my chest. Whatever it was, I surprised myself when I answered him, "All of them."

Edward's smile seemed brighter than all the candles in the chandeliers. He gazed at me for a moment, then took a pencil and wrote his name elegantly across my card in the same manner that Emmett had on Rose's. He then returned the card to my wrist, tying a loose bow, and took hold of my hand. "Thank you," he whispered into my ear, causing me to shiver. "Are you cold?" he asked.

I assured him I was quite warm. In fact, I could feel the heat all over my body, and yet, I craved the heat I could feel radiating from him. He leaned over again to whisper if I was sure. As another shiver overtook me when his breath tickled my ear and neck I indicated that it was a bit chilly near the door. He smiled and pulled me to the dance floor, leading me in the steps of the minuet.

As we traded partners in the dance, our eyes stayed trained upon each other. I barely spoke with whoever was my partner of the moment, and simply longed to be held again by him.

As the music changed to a waltz he quickly reached for me, pulling me in as close as he could without being unseemly, and directed me around the floor. We didn't speak much and our eyes rarely left the gaze of the other. He only glanced away on occasion to ensure we wouldn't collide with other dancers on the floor. Within a couple dances I tore my gaze away to find Alice and saw her laughing and dancing with Mike, only to change partners as that dance ended and another began. I could see she was having fun, not settling on any one partner, and I was sure her dance card was full. The music then shifted to a polka and I had to pull my gaze back in to follow the quick steps of the dance. I barely kept up and, without the aid of Edward, was sure I would have fallen many times. I lost track of the number of times I accidentally stepped on his foot, but he didn't seem to mind.

At the end of the Polka I felt quite warm and was completely winded. Edward asked if I would like to take a break from the dancing and get some refreshment. I quickly agreed and he led me off through a side door onto one of the balconies to cool down as he fetched our drinks. I noticed I was the only one on that particular balcony and wondered if Edward had planned that. He returned quickly with a couple cups of punch. I'm afraid I drank mine down hurriedly and not at all like a lady. Edward just offered me his cup when he saw how quickly I had consumed my own. When I protested he blushed and admitted that he had drunk three cups of punch before returning to me. I then accepted and quaffed his cup as well.

He asked, "Would you like to return to the dance now?"

"Oh, please, not yet," I answered. "I'm still quite warm and would like to stand some more in the cool air." He agreed and walked over to sit on the railing, taking my hand in his along the way. He noticed that my skin rose with the cold and asked if I needed my shawl. I told him I was still warm on the inside, that I had just reacted to the cool air, and assured him I would ask for my shawl if I needed it. As I cooled, he played with my fingers, asking me how I felt my studies were going and whether or not I still planned to attend college next year.

"I'm afraid Pa is now against it. With all the troubles, the reports of bloodshed coming from Kansas, and cries of war he reads in the paper, he is afraid of me going anywhere unaccompanied," I answered him. It seemed as if this one dream may not come to fruition.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I know how much you wanted to attend," he answered with what looked to be a battle on his face as to whether he would smile or frown.

"Are you, truly, Edward?" I asked. "It seems as if part of you might be happy."

He sighed and looked away. "A part of me is," he admitted. He looked me in the eye and continued, "I also fear for you going away. I also fear you may be hurt. I've read what some of those men are doing to lone women, and I would never want you to suffer that kind of indignity. Also –" he hesitated and looked away.

I stepped closer to him, using my free hand to pull his gaze back to me. "What?" I questioned.

"I fear you may forget me," he whispered. He stood quickly and his movement brought him in quite close to me. He grabbed my arms as he looked down at me. When I looked into his eyes I saw something there I had never seen before. It was as if they were on fire. He was no longer looking at my eyes but down lower and I could feel his heartbeat pick up. I let out a gasp of surprise that he might desire me as much as I desired him.

With the sound of my breath he raised his eyes to mine. We stared at each other soundlessly as the minutes ticked by. The heat of his body kept mine warm against the invading chill of the air. I could feel my desire for his touch, his kiss, anything, building within me. I longed for him! I wanted to feel his lips against mine!

I lifted my left hand to take his right from my arm. When we touched again my breathing sped, and I was sure his did as well. A fire seemed to build between us that had never existed before. Gone were the casual insults as we debated opinions of literature and philosophy. Gone were the dancers and the orchestra behind me. Gone were the night breezes and twinkling stars. All that existed was him and me, and this moment. He let go of my hand and I felt a moment of disappointment which was immediately replaced by elation as he wound his arm around my waist. We both stepped closer causing our bodies to touch lightly, our gaze never breaking.

He slowly began to lower his head to mine. He seemed to be taking forever, so I lifted up on my toes to reach him more quickly. I could tell my action startled him but he quickly recovered and crashed his lips down on mine. His arms tightened about me, much tighter than the corset I was wearing, holding me hard against his chest. His lips encompassed mine and I heard and felt a small groan leave his body. Or was that mine? My arms wound around his neck of their own accord, grasping fistfuls of hair, pulling his lips harder against my own.

I was lost in a sea of bliss. Fire raced through my veins and exploded in a passion I never knew could exist. I never wanted this to end. The dance was lost to my memory and all I knew was him. His hands, his lips, his heat. I never wanted to leave this place. I wanted to spend eternity wrapped in his arms with his lips working over mine.

My nirvana came crashing down with the sound of someone clearing their throat behind me. Edward lifted his mouth from mine and looked behind me. His hands immediately left my waist and moved to my shoulders, pushing me forcefully from him. "What?" I cried. "What is the matter?"

He spun me in place to face the person who had interrupted us.

Charlie.

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**Uh, oh! Busted!**

**I hope you enjoyed! I'll return to the regular update schedule on Tuesday. I hope you all enjoy. Leave me some love!  
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	6. Chapter 6 Consequences

**Still not mine. Does Stephenie Meyer even write fan fiction?  
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**Much love, complete with hugs and kisses, to Stavanger1 and whenpoetryrises! They are the best!**

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**Chapter 6 – Consequences

I looked at Charlie over Bella's shoulder. I could tell by his stance that he was quite put out with us. I had seen Alice run up shortly after I had realized he was there and as I glanced at her now she seemed almost apologetic. I felt a tremor go through Bella and since my hands were still on her shoulders I tried to pull her in closer, thinking she was cold. I lined her arms with mine; my chest pressed against her back, and could feel the chill rising from her skin. Her eyes were locked on those of her father.

Charlie was the first to speak. "Bella," his tone was gruff, "go inside with Alice. I would like a moment alone with Edward if I may."

She started to protest, "Pa, please –"

He cut her off brusquely, "I will speak with you later." The iron in his voice belied the otherwise quiet words. I knew I would have to do something to ease his anger with his daughter. I knew better than to kiss her so publicly. I knew what could happen to her reputation and I hadn't cared. I had allowed my passions to overrule my good sense and I feared she may pay the price.

I felt a drive to protect her rise up within me, so I called to my sister, "Alice, please take Bella inside while I speak with her father." Bella quickly spun around and I placed my finger on her lips before she could speak. "Allow me to speak with him, love." I saw her eyes soften at my endearment. She nodded and sighed, then walked over to take my sister's out-stretched hand. She paused on the way, laying her hand on her father's arm and gazing up at him imploringly. He broke his hard look from me to look at her when he felt her touch, and indicated for her to go inside with a tilt of his head.

I watched as the girls left and turned my attention to Charlie with a sigh. With the exception of his glance at Bella, his eyes had not left me since I had first looked up to the sound of his cough. I knew what he was thinking. I remembered our conversation of a month ago.

_I had excused myself to go and use the privy behind the house. The girls were in quite a giggly mood today as we talked about what Alice was reading in Harper's Bizarre. I cared for them deeply but sometimes they could be a bit much to take. I saw Charlie nearby digging a deep hole. No doubt he was digging a new privy. The current one was beginning to fill, and even pouring the baked limestone over its contents was doing little to block the smell. I nodded to him when I went in, acknowledging the back-breaking work he was doing. When I was finished I was surprised to hear him call me over. I wondered if he needed a hand._

_I saw a shovel on the ground and reached down for it. He quickly disabused me of the notion that I needed to help, "That's not why I called you over, son," he began. "I actually wanted to thank you."_

"_Thank me? For what, sir?" I asked_

"_Your behavior in regards to my daughter," he answered. He leaned against the side of the hole he was in, setting aside the pick he was using to break up the ground. I could tell he wasn't finished speaking so I waited quietly. "Your actions towards her have been above reproach. Now I can tell you're sweet on her," he leveled a look at me, "there's no denying that. Be that as it may, you have never done or said anything to tarnish her reputation amongst your peers or elders."_

_I moved to speak and he held up his hand to ask me to wait. "I've spoken with your parents and as long as you both continue to act appropriately we won't interfere."_

He obviously now felt the need to interfere, having walked in on our overt display of affection. I glanced over his shoulder and saw Alice, with Bella standing beside her with a look of mortification on her face, speaking with my parents. I caught my father's eyes when he looked up and saw a look of disappointment pass across his visage.

Now my disgust with myself was complete. I had angered Charlie, embarrassed Bella and disappointed my father. I wasn't sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if I found that Alice was disgusted with my behavior as well. I could see my father walking over to where Charlie stood, both of their gazes still transfixed on me. I knew the storm was coming and dug deep within myself to weather it alone. I promised myself that I would not drag Bella's name through the mud. This was all on me.

My father finally reached Charlie's side. "Charlie," he greeted him with a nod.

"Edward," was his reply, with a look that appeared almost amused. I was quite confused by that.

My confusion only grew with what came out of my father's mouth next. "So he finally kissed her? Took him long enough."

"Yep. Although I'm thinking he's shaking in his boots at the moment," Charlie responded with a wave in my direction.

My father chuckled. _Chuckled?_ "Well, I tried to raise him to be a good boy, so he's probably expecting some kind of punishment." I could hear the amusement in his voice growing, causing my confusion to start to turn to frustration. My father finally decided to take pity on me. "Son, Charlie and I knew this was coming and have both agreed to the match."

_What?_ I thought.

My father continued, "His only request is that you wait until spring before proposing so Bella pays attention to her studies. He's none too keen on her traveling to college now, with the problems in the mid-west, and feels you respect her mind enough to ensure she's fully educated."

To say I was stunned would be minimizing the feeling. I glanced between them to see Bella talking with my mother across the dance floor. A look of amazement and happiness was growing on her face and I was sure it was mirrored on my own.

Charlie broke through my shock and brought me quickly back down to earth. "We do have some restrictions, however," he said. "No time alone," he ticked off on his fingers, "always chaperoned. It can be Alice, but if we have a hint of shenanigans as was seen here tonight it will have to be a parent." I nodded quickly in agreement. Charlie raised his second finger, "You may sit alone together on the porch for the length of one courting candle." Another finger rose, "No kissing unless it has been cleared first." I balked at this one, what happened to spontaneity? "No visiting after 10 pm. As your Pa said, no proposing until spring, and most importantly," he hesitated to ensure he had my undivided attention, "keep her reputation intact. Do you understand?"

I nodded quickly that I did but then hesitantly asked, "Um, the kissing rule?"

"I'm adamant about that, Edward. I'm a man, and I was once a young man. I know what those desires lead to." I could see he was resolute. I hurriedly agreed, knowing this was the best deal I would likely get. They were allowing me to court Bella! We weren't in trouble for the kiss, per se, as long as it wasn't repeated. I sincerely hoped I would be man enough to restrain myself. My fear was whether or not I would be able to restrain Bella.

I looked beyond them again to see a smiling Bella approach. She had her arm linked with Alice's and they both seemed happy. I excused myself from our fathers and went and took her hand in mine, leading her back to the dance floor. I imagined that here, at least, we would be safe.

We spent the rest of the night dancing, taking breaks when Bella tired. We would retreat back to our balcony, but always with Alice in tow. Bella was concerned that Alice was missing out on dancing when she had to chaperone us, but my dear sister waved her fears away. She explained she was tired also, although I could tell that was not the entire truth and I felt Bella could as well. Either way, I was quite grateful for her presence.

At the end of the dance I walked Bella out to our small carriage. Since my father had driven Bella's father here, they would need to be driven home. I asked Charlie if I could be the one to drive them, as I was sure my father must be tired and wouldn't want the extra task. He agreed that would be fine with a chuckle. I think he didn't believe the reason I gave to be the true reason I was offering to drive them, and he would be right.

It was a quiet ride with Bella sitting between Charlie and me. I had both hands on the reins, and she had both of hers in her lap. When we reached their home, Charlie jumped down and turned to me, "Edward, I'm running in now. This would be one of those approved times." _Approved times?_ Then it struck me! He was going to allow me to kiss her goodnight. "You have five minutes, son."

"Thank you, sir," I responded as I hopped down from the carriage to assist Bella. Charlie was true to his word and went into the house quickly as I walked Bella slowly to her door. I was quite aware of the time limitation, but what I felt for her was deeper than just filling some carnal desire. I wanted to treasure her. As we paused outside of her door, I took her in my arms and whispered, "Bella, I want to apologize for kissing you so soundly at the dance."

"Edward, I –" she started, but I cut her off quickly, again placing a finger on her lips to silence her.

"You deserve better than to be manhandled in public. The time for that level of intimacy will come," I intimated with a wink, rejoicing in the blush that came to her face with my comment, "but not at a public venue. I promise to respect you and show you more honor in the future."

She reached up to remove my hand from her lips. "I am also at fault. I just wanted you to know my true feelings, and it didn't seem as if my words were getting through."

I laughed at my own refusal to see the truth of what she had been trying to tell me. "I believe you now," I promised. "Bella, we are not of age yet, and have to complete the school year. I will tell you my intentions are for marriage at some time, but I don't want our physical relationship to overstep the bounds of propriety. To that end, we must be very cautious. I will not have you thought of as many do the women who work the logging communities."

I knew she was quite aware of the women I was referring to, for another blush lit her face. It seemed that at any place men congregated to strike a fortune, a certain type of working women were not far behind. Charlie frequently talked to my father about these women and what to do with them since prostitution was illegal. My father informed me about them. Mostly about the diseases they carried, and how I needed to be sure to keep myself clean from them to not tarnish my future bride. I also didn't need the burden of an unwanted child, and there had been tales of women who had died from an abortion attempt that had gone horribly wrong. The women who didn't attempt that were now feeding the new orphanage with their undesired offspring. The thought of being the cause of that kind of suffering kept me firmly away from them.

Charlie opened the door, I think rather surprised by our relative positions. While my arms were about her, we had space between us. There were two reasons for that. The first was in case anyone happened by and could see us. I didn't want tongues wagging in regards to Bella's behavior, especially since I knew they already would be after tonight's previous actions. The second was because I was afraid she might be able to feel the affect her proximity was having on me physically. I was quite grateful for the fullness of her dress and the breadth of her crinolines. They both hid my body and kept me away.

I acknowledged the look from Charlie with a nod and bent down to quickly kiss Bella's lips. "Until tomorrow," I whispered.

"Until tomorrow," she sighed, pulling away from me, but keeping hold of my hand for as long as possible until she disappeared through the door. Through the sorrow of knowing it would be hours before I could see her again, I felt a sense of joy surge up through me. She did care for me! She did want to be with me! She had chosen me, just as I had her. I found it difficult to maintain a sense of decorum as I walked back to the carriage. I wanted to jump for joy at the thought that tomorrow when we met at church, I would be able to sit next to her as usual, but this time I would be holding her delicate hand in mine.

I rushed home, as a feeling of contentment replaced the manic joy that had previously overtaken me. I knew it would be some time before a marriage could take place. We were too young. I had dreams of also attending a university, possibly following in my father's footsteps, obtaining a law degree. There were very few doctors in the west, and that was also an honorable profession that would keep Bella in a life of plenty, but it demanded long hours spent away from the family, possibly even entire nights. Bella had expressed her desire to go to Oberlin, since they matriculated women, as well as people of color, and she found that admirable. When I thought on it, I did as well. If there was ever peace in the land again, then perhaps we could journey there together.

But, what if there was war? While I longed to be with Bella, I also desired to show support for my country. I thought I would be dashing in a uniform and imagined Bella would smile at how smart I looked. As I walked up the stairs to my room, my mind's eye reflected on how proud she would be of me if I demonstrated my courage on the field of battle. I knew the respect and honor that was paid to those who were veterans of the War of 1812. Every July fourth we would pay homage to those men who fought for our freedom. Surely the same would be done on my part if I could distinguish myself in some way. I drifted off to sleep with thoughts of young men one day singing my praises as an adoring Bella smiled up at me whilst I was wearing my uniform.

When I awoke I hurriedly dressed for church. Perhaps Charlie would allow me to escort Bella there? I hadn't thought of it to ask him the previous night and so wanted to drive to her house early enough to make the request this morning; personally I thought it to be a fine idea. I rushed down the stairs quickly and pulled up short. My father was not in his going-to-meeting clothes, but rather was dressed in his outdoor laboring apparel. He noticed my shocked expression and said, "I'm not surprised you don't remember what I'm planning to do this morning, seeing as how you had a one track mind last night." This only served to confuse me further. "Edward," he continued, "the salmon are running, and Chief Billy invited me to join Bella's father and him for fishing. I promised Charlie that I would send you around, with Alice of course, to get Bella for church. I presume you don't mind?" he finished with a chuckle.

The smile that crossed my face felt as if it would tear my cheeks cross-wise. "No Pa, that would be fine. Is Alice ready to go?" I asked, looking around for her.

"It's still another two hours till church, so she's still getting ready," he answered.

"Perhaps I could pick up Bella and come back for her?" I surmised.

"I think not, Edward. Remember, you must be chaperoned," he admonished, continuing, "If you were alone together people would talk. Would you want that?"

I knew he was right, so I excused myself to try to pester Alice into hurrying along. When I reached her and suggested it, however, she merely laughed at me, explained that Bella had chores to do this morning, and that I could wait. She did offer that if I was bored I could bring her breakfast. I just sighed and sat in a chair in the hall outside her room, occasionally urging her to finish. It was a full half-hour later when she walked out from her room, wearing the same dress she had worn the previous night. I questioned her about this and she informed me that all the girls did this in order to get more use from their ball gowns. She had added a shawl tucked into her bodice and long shoulder-length gloves, as showing that much shoulder, décolletage and arm would be inappropriate in daylight. She carried another shawl, which matched Bella's dress, along with another pair of long gloves, explaining that she had forgotten to give them to Bella last night, seeing as how our minds had been on different things.

I all but threw Alice into the carriage as I helped her up in my haste to get to Bella. Thankfully my sister understood and loved me enough to simply laugh. As I climbed up beside her, I gave her an apologetic smile. She simply patted my arm in acceptance and indicated that I should probably tap the reins on the horses to get them started. It was then I realized I had forgotten about Ma! I asked Alice, "What is Ma doing? How is she getting to church?"

"Oh, so you do remember you have a mother?" Alice teased me. "One of the ladies from church is coming to gather her, as Pa figured you would be in haste to get to Bella. Seems he thinks of everything," she laughed. Then her face turned serious as we started down the road, "Edward, I want you to know that I approve of Bella."

"I know that Alice, I can see it when you look on us," I laughingly added, "You've been throwing us together since you met her!"

A light, trilling laugh escaped her. She responded, "I know. I knew when I first saw her at school our first day here last year that she and I would be great friends." She paused for a mere moment before she added, "I also knew that you would love her as well. Sometimes I wonder –" she trailed off.

"What, Alice?" I queried.

"If I'll ever meet someone who'll be right for me?" She turned on the bench to look at me. "You know, sometimes I imagine what he'll be like. I picture him as tall, nigh unto your height, with long blond hair, blue eyes, and a strength to match you." She turned back to gaze out over the town, adding, "He'll be strong physically and emotionally." I noticed her eyes alight as she continued, "One day I'll meet him, and when I do, I'll know." She turned back to me, "Just as I knew when I met Bella."

I smiled down on my sister. She was merely sixteen, many years until she was of age to wed, but she had already fashioned out who would be the one for her. I dearly hoped she would find him so that her happiness could match mine.

We pulled up outside of Bella's house and found two Indian horses there. I thought perhaps the Chief had brought one for Charlie, and so was surprised when a young brave opened the door to our knock. He appeared to be of an age with Alice and was dressed in well-preserved leathers. His height was less than mine and he still retained some of the lankiness of youth. After opening the door he looked back to Bella, addressing her, "Bells, are you expecting someone?"

She answered, "Yes, Jacob. Thank you." She quickly arose to greet us. "Edward, Alice, I would like to introduce you to Jacob, Billy's son. You remember the Chief?" she paused. As we nodded, she continued, "Well, here's the future Chief," she indicated with a wave in the brave's direction. I could see him blush at this and he mumbled something that sounded a great deal like 'Thanks a lot, Bells.'

I reached out to take his hand, knowing my father frowned on the fact that many treated the natives of this land as lesser people. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Jacob."

"Likewise, Edward. Bells has told me about you all morning," he added with a smile and a roll of his eyes. I could see that they had a teasing relationship, much like what I shared with Alice.

I glanced over at her to see her blush, only to feel my own face warm as Alice chimed in, "I fully understand what you are saying, Jacob. I've been pestered all morning long on the length of time it takes me to get ready. Apparently Edward couldn't get here quickly enough, even though church doesn't start for another hour." Her comments were met with laughter throughout the room, and as I looked again on Bella I could see that she was pleased, even if she was still slightly embarrassed. If it brought her pleasure, I would be more than happy to allow my sister to continue to rib me.

I questioned Jacob on whether or not he would be joining us or our father's and he indicated the latter. He said, "We need to put up enough salmon against the season. My father saw them beginning to run last week, and so he sent a runner to inform Charlie. Apparently your father was nearby, and so the invitation was extended to him to welcome him to our lands. I'm afraid I will be stuck with the three men for the next two weeks with so much talk of fish in my head I won't want to eat any all winter!"

I found myself liking this easy-going youth. Alice and Bella excused themselves to make the necessary adjustments to her dress for her to be presentable in the day, and so I asked Jacob to accompany me outside to tend the horses and carriage. He helped me put water in the trough next to the hitching post, and we talked over his relationship with Bella.

"Our fathers had us together often when we were young," he told me. "Because our mothers died within months of each other, I think they found solace in shared grief. Since Bells and I are less than two years apart, we have been raised as siblings, or perhaps cousins? I know I think on her that way," he paused and made sure he had my attention before adding, "and I would protect her as my own sister."

I understood the meaning behind his words. It wasn't a threat, but more of a desire for assurance from me that I would take care of the girl that he considered to be as close as family. I reached over to place a hand on his shoulder as I gave him what he was seeking. "I promise you, Jacob, I will treasure her always." He nodded at my words, and I felt compelled to add, "I'm glad to know she has someone she can depend on if the need ever arose."

He looked at me as he solemnly answered, "If you do wed, then you both do."

For some reason, his remarks made my heart warm with gratitude. Perhaps the day would come when we would need to call on him or his people. Knowing they were there in these turbulent times was a buttress to my soul.

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**Okay, I know some of you are Jacob haters, but I'm not. There will be no love triangle here. It would be unacceptable at this date, and both Jacob and Bella know that.** **Doesn't mean they can't be friends as close as siblings. You won't hear from him often, but he will pop up at opportune times. Trust me, you'll be glad he's around later on.**

**Now please leave me some love!**


	7. Chapter 7 Courtship

**As usual, this wouldn't be half the story it is without the wonderful (and beautiful) Stavanger1 and whenpoetryrises. I truly love these ladies.**

**The story may be mine, but the characters are Stephenie's.**

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Chapter 7 – Courtship

Once Alice had deemed me presentable, we walked out of the cabin to find Edward conversing with Jacob. They seemed to be getting on amiably, which heartened me. While I did not see much of Jacob, owing to the fact that his tribe lived far away on the peninsula, I would want to maintain that friendship we had when he did visit. I found myself quite often thinking on him as one would a younger brother. He often teased me as I had seen other siblings do. In private he called me _Pititchu_, his word for moon, claiming I was as pale as the moon and so it was fitting. In public he adopted my father's nickname for me, Bells.

Edward helped Alice into the carriage as Jacob came to assist me. I saw a moment of annoyance pass Edward's visage when he saw Jacob take my hand, but he quickly replaced it with a smile when I looked at him questioningly. I expected trust from him, much as I gave to him. As Jacob lifted me into the carriage he whispered into my ear, "Pititchu, he's a good one. But if he hurts you, let me know and I'll bring the tribe down to speak to him." I merely laughed at his remark. I glanced again at Edward and sighed as I saw another look of concern cross his face. Surely he didn't think that Jacob could possibly be entertained as a suitor for me? Such a thing was unheard of.

Going to church was as much a social event as a spiritual one for us. It was a place our parents approved of for us to meet and court amongst our peers. The fact that Edward and I met at school was also acceptable but it was not considered a place for socializing. Each Sabbath, after the sermon, the ladies auxiliary would put on a luncheon for the congregation. A place was often set aside for the youth to sit together, at least those who had come out. Since the ball was last night, this would be the first time that Alice and I would be sitting with the group.

Alice had questioned me why I had not come out the previous year. I explained the ball had been held prior to my birthday last year and it was up to my father as to whether or not I would participate. He had asked me if I wanted to, but I declined since none of the boys interested me, and I honestly had no interest in pursuing any relationship at that time. Alice found this hilarious and pointed out to me that this had prevented Edward from pursuing me prior to the ball this year. Secretly I hadn't minded, since it had forced us to form a friendship first.

It was not unusual to see many new faces among the youth at these luncheons. In the brief period of time between the end of harvest and before the snows made the roads impassable, young men, sometimes along with their sisters, would travel from parish to parish in hopes of meeting someone who would be found acceptable to both themselves and their parents. It mattered not what denomination they ascribed to, for all were welcomed equally. It was just to avoid these young men that I had decided to wait to come out. It was also these young men that seemed to cause Edward the most consternation, much to my amusement.

Alice and I sat at one of the small tables set up for the luncheon as Edward went to fetch us something to eat. I could see Mrs. Masen working with the auxiliary in serving the food and sent an answering wave to her own. A few of the new young men came and sat on the ground in front of Alice and me to converse with us. They were interesting but I found my attention wandering always to watch as Edward prepared our plates and returned to where we were. Alice and I insisted that he take a chair, thus elevating him above the other suitors that surrounded us. The other men noticed my distraction, and Edward's attentiveness to me, and so thankfully focused on Alice. Alice was delighted with that. However, all those boys found their pursuit of Alice to be in vain as well, as she flirted with all equally. It didn't help their cause that Edward watched over his sister with the ferocity of a cougar protecting its young.

Alice had informed me prior to leaving for church that my father had requested I stay with them for the duration of his fishing trip. I usually stayed alone but he was afraid tongues would wag now that I had a suitor, and so he wanted us under the watchful eye of Mrs. Masen. I knew it wasn't lack of trust but simply insurance against possible gossip. Besides, it meant I had more time with Alice, and of course, Edward. My father had taken my bag to their house when they went to pick up Mr. Masen for the trip, so we simply went there after the luncheon. It was quite pleasurable to while away the time on the porch since the weather was still fine. When darkness fell we adjoined to the parlor, listening to Edward play as we ladies talked amongst ourselves while doing needlework.

When we retired for the night Edward walked me to the spare room to say goodnight. His mother went into her own room to give us a sense of privacy although she left her door open. He reached up to touch my face, the look in his eyes showing his love for me. He whispered to me as he lowered his lips to mine, "Goodnight, my love. May your dreams be happy and restful." His gentle kiss caused a fire to ignite in me. I knew I needed to restrain myself, but I found my hands reaching up to wind in his hair, pulling his lips tighter against my own. He took hold of my arms to disengage me from him, laughing lightly. "Love, we mustn't get carried away."

"I'm sorry," I whispered as a blush lit my face. "I don't seem to be able to restrain myself around you."

"Try, please," he admonished. I could see that his eyes were on fire and knew his desire was equal to my own. He leaned down and placed another kiss to my forehead and ushered me into my room.

I quickly undressed to my chemise and crawled into bed, lying on my back. Unfortunately, sleep eluded me. My thoughts were constantly on Edward, the feeling of being in his arms, the fire that raged when his lips pressed against mine. I quickly rolled onto my stomach, hoping the change in position would cause a change in the direction of my thoughts. It didn't help. I imagined his chest pressed against mine, how hard and strong it felt. Pressing my face into the pillow only made me think of how soft his lips were. I tried rolling to my side, but that only made me think of having his arm around me, hugging me to him.

With a sigh of frustration, I climbed out of bed. At a loss of what to do with myself, I wandered over to the balcony. Luckily this balcony was secluded so walking out onto it would not reveal me to any prying eyes. I quickly stepped out, reveling in the chill air against my skin as it seeped quickly through my chemise. I hoped this would help cool the ardor I felt burning beneath my skin.

A door closed above me and I looked up. I could barely make out the door to the balcony on the upper floor to the west. Soon after the closing of that door, I heard the sound of Edward walking down the stairs. My ears followed his progress as he descended to the bottom floor. Moments later, the sound of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata began rising from the piano in the music room. It seemed so fitting, the soft melody matching the moonlight glowing from the crescent above. I could feel the stress bleed away from my body as a feeling of tranquility overtook me. Leaving the door slightly ajar so as not to cut off the music, I returned to my bed and quickly fell to sleep.

I awoke to find Alice lying beside me, her face close to mine, staring at me intently. This was not an unusual occurrence whenever I stayed over and I had long ago gotten over being alarmed by this. I noticed a smile cross her face once she realized I was awake. "Good morning, Alice," I whispered.

"Good morning, Bella," she replied. "Are you ready to face our classmates?" She and I both knew that there was going to be talk at school regarding my relationship with Edward. They hadn't been at the parish we had chosen to attend yesterday so I knew I was going to have to deal with them today.

I reached down for the covers and pulled them over my head with a groan. "Oh, do I have to go?" I whined.

I could make out her laughing lightly as she pulled the covers from me. "You'll have to face them sometime. If you stay here they'll only talk more. I've laid out one of the new dresses we finished. It's best to face them with confidence."

Alice helped me get ready; all the time laughing that she wasn't sure who was going to be more surprised by my appearance, Edward or our classmates. When she finally decided I was done, I rushed down the stairs only to run headlong into Edward coming to find us. He grabbed me into his arms with a laugh. "Whoa, there! I wouldn't want you to fall down the stairs." He set me away from him and looked me up and down. "I see Alice has gotten to you." He pulled me into his arms and leaned down to whisper in my ear, "You look lovely." He released me only to pull me outside to the waiting carriage. After helping me in, he assisted Alice, then jumped up and cracked the whip lightly to start the team off.

School was dreadful. Edward had insisted on walking in with my hand pulled through his arm, resting on the crook of his elbow. The whispering started as soon as we passed by. Mr. Banner had to ring the bell a few extra times to call the room to order. At lunch Edward joined Alice and me, leaving the other boys to play baseball without him. Most of the older girls grouped together and pointed at us while whispering loudly.

Emmett and Rose stopped by on Emmett's break from the sawmill. They had finished their studies the previous year, but since the mill was located so close to the school, they had decided to spend their spare time with us. Edward had told me previously that Emmett was saving up to purchase a small plot and a cabin before marrying Rose. A marriage contract had already been drawn up, and one of the stipulations her father had insisted on was that they have their own residence when they wed, which would pass to Rose if she were ever left a widow. Their visit made for an enjoyable time, and lessened the sting of knowing the others were talking about Edward and me.

The week I stayed at the Masen's while awaiting Pa to return seemed to fly by. We quickly settled into a pattern of homework, supper, Edward playing while we ladies embroidered, and then to bed. I didn't venture out onto the balcony anymore, but neither did Edward give me such warm kisses goodnight. After our first night he would take my hand and lift it to his lips. A gentle brush and a quiet wish for a restful sleep was all I received. By the time Saturday night came around I was distraught, having worked myself up to believing that he no longer wanted me. Alice had tried to calm my fears that morning, stating that he was just being careful, but I found his lack of physical affection worrisome.

Before retiring I asked him if we could take a walk about the grounds. He agreed, as did the ever-present Alice, and we commenced to meander about the gardens. I wanted to speak to him regarding his aloofness but didn't know where to begin. Alice trailed far behind, close enough to be in sight, but far enough away to remove any possibility of over-hearing our conversation. I sighed and shivered as I contemplated how to address this issue with him.

"Are you chilled, do you wish to return?" he asked, his voice full of concern.

"No, Edward. I actually wanted to speak with you privately but find myself unable to form the words necessary to express what I want to say," I replied quietly.

I felt his arm come around my waist and leaned my head into his embrace as we walked slowly. "You are concerned regarding my lack of attention?" he asked. I whipped around, ready to confront Alice, when he caught my shoulders so I faced him. "Don't be upset with Alice. I actually over-heard you talking this morning. I know I shouldn't be eavesdropping, but felt that since it was in regards to me, I was justified." He took a deep breath and regarded me as I waited in silence.

"Bella, I don't want people speaking of you as they do Rose," he stated simply.

"Whatever do you mean?" I questioned him.

"Have you not heard the rumors?"

"No, nor would I believe any I hear."

"Whether they are true or not is irrelevant. Unfortunately, perception is reality in a small town, and the perception here is that she has been free with herself in regards to Emmett." He paused as he took my right hand in both of his. "I don't want that said of you, nor do I want to be tempted beyond what I may be able to endure. This is why I have been so remote. I apologize if it's hurt you, but please try to understand my reasoning. I swear I do it in total respect and love for you."

While I didn't like what I heard, I did understand it. It was unfair of me to try to push his limitations. I felt ashamed when I thought on how selfish I had been and how little I appreciated his regard for me. "I'm sorry, Edward," I said with a blush of mortification, "I will remember what you've said." I paused and looked to the ground. "It's just so difficult sometimes," I raised my eyes to his and continued, "I guess I need to have more faith and trust in you. I'm just scared. It's all so new."

"Believe me; I understand what you're saying. It's quite difficult for me as well." He moved his hands from my arms to cup my face as he explained further, "I do cherish you. I will always cherish you. I never thought I would find someone who has the same tastes, takes the same pleasures, in the things of this world that I do, but I have in you. That you are dearer to me than all else upon Earth, is a confession I make with truth; and without shame." Then his eyes lit up, and a small smirk crossed his lips, "But I am ashamed to say my actions make the decision between you and my Maker."

I knew then that we were fine, that we would see the time required until our marriage through. "I promise you, Edward, you will not have to choose between your Maker and me. I will not place your soul in such a predicament as that." I leaned my head upon his chest and felt his arms wrap around me. I felt such safety there, as if the world could pass away and we would remain standing, bearing silent tribute to the power of love.

The next day I returned home after the church luncheon. Pa wasn't back yet, but he was expected. Since he hadn't returned, Alice stayed with me both to keep me company and to ensure I was properly attended. I was grateful to have her as it was quite late when Pa returned. Despite the hour, she willingly arose to help me start the fires in the smokehouse to cure the salmon he had brought back against the season. It was long, tiring work and we were exhausted and sooty when Edward came for us to drive us to school. Pa wrote out a note for Mr. Banner excusing us, and asked Edward to bring our schoolwork home with him. We spent the next two days putting up the fish and I was never so glad to see the last of it go into the loft. Edward assisted us each day after school, fetching firewood and hauling the fish around. I was so happy to return to school!

The days shortened as winter came on. We read the news with interest, following the election closely. Those who owned property in Oregon traveled there for the election, wanting to cast their ballots. There was a choice of four candidates and it was the middle of November when we found out that Mr. Lincoln had won, even though he had only garnered thirty-seven percent of the popular vote. I was terrified. What if this meant war? Edward had already begun to express interest in enlisting if the territory ever formed a regiment, and if I was afraid over the thought of him wrestling Emmett, I was over-wrought by the idea of him fighting in a war.

Alice and I locked ourselves away to start making Christmas presents, kicking Edward and my father out of the house as we worked, or retiring to her room in her home. Back at my house, I was working on a new formal shirt and ascot for Edward, and a new pair of breeches for Pa. Alice was making Edward new breeches and a vest so he would have a complete suit. I also worked on making decorations for my house and the tree Pa would head out to cut a few days before Christmas.

Our main project was cutting up old clothes that were too worn to mend and making quilts. We used old blankets and quilts that had been in need of mending for the inside to make them warmer, using the old to create new. We spent so many hours sewing a pattern around the squares we thought we would wear through our thimbles. One of the quilts we were making would be going into my hope chest. We had chosen material and a pattern I knew Edward would like, in anticipation that we would be able to wed one day.

On weekends we would go from house to house, party to party, associating with our friends and rejoicing in the season. There had been a few more balls since Alice and I entered society, and I spent the entire night of those in Edward's arms, dancing. Occasionally we would retire to rest; Alice was quite good at finding us secluded corners for stolen kisses. She still kept an eye on us, acting the perfect chaperone, lest we became too enamored and people could tell that we were flushed from excitement. She would also start to hum along with the music if someone came close to where we had cloistered ourselves so we could separate and start discussing some topic or other so it appeared that what we were doing was quite innocent. I relied heavily on Edward at these times, for if he had been kissing me my ability to quickly come up with a topic and have a logical argument instantly vanished.

All of our frivolity came to an instant halt a couple days before Christmas, when we learned that South Caroline had seceded from the United States. They stated, "that the Union now subsisting between South Carolina and other states under the name of the 'United States of America' is hereby dissolved." War was now believed inevitable.

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**A/N**

**Just a quick note. We haven't met Carlisle and Esme yet. Edward's parents are his human parents, Elizabeth and Edward, Sr. We will meet Carlisle and Esme later, I promise.**

**Please let me know what you think!**


	8. Chapter 8 Division and Joining

**SM's characters, my little fluff fest (for now...)**

**So many thanks to Stavanger1 and whenpoetryrises! Two ladies I love dearly and make this story so much better.**

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Chapter 8 – Division and Joining

South Carolina had seceded from the union of states. As I read the news article to Bella, I would frequently glance up to capture her reaction. Fear was painted in every line of her face. She knew my feelings. If it comes to it, I know I have an obligation to fight for the sovereignty of these United States, and to keep them whole and together as our founding fathers dreamed. My grandfather had been a revolutionary, I could not dishonor his memory by sitting back and doing nothing to ensure the continuity of the country he fought to create.

It was interesting that both the free and the slave states were complaining about state's rights. Because of the debacle that was the Dread Scott Decision, slave-owners who moved to free states would be able to retain their slaves and not made to free them. The free states claimed that this negated the decision they had made to be free. The slave states were saying that new states should be allowed to choose for themselves, and were very afraid of losing power in the legislature and possibly being forced to free the slaves they held if the balance was lost.

Even religious groups were dividing over the issue. The Baptists, Methodists and Presbyterians had all splintered into southern and northern groups. If even these good, God-fearing people could divide, I feared what it would mean for my country.

I knew I needed to distract Bella from her fears, however, or Christmas would be ruined. It was our first as a courting couple. Last year we were friends, this year the gifts we received would focus more on our future lives together than any personal wants or needs. With that in mind, I resolved to find something that would be meaningful and yet practical. Bella would be very upset if she thought the gift frivolous when we should be preparing for a future together.

I had saved a great deal of my earnings from the summer and had been able to get her a beautiful broach that had sapphires in it. I knew she would question this gift, but it went so wonderfully with the bolt of wool Alice was giving her for making a new cape. I had also gotten her some sleeve buttons, needle books, pin cushions, a paint box, and pen wipers. She would balk at the amount but wouldn't be able to argue the need for them. I laughed to myself at the thought of her face as each new present was presented, saving the broach for last.

When Christmas morning came, Alice and Ma arose early to help the servants with preparations. Ma was known for her eggnog and always used Pa's best whiskey for it. Bella and her father were having their morning together and then coming over for dinner and activities. We exchanged family gifts while waiting for them to arrive and I must admit that my eyes travelled frequently to the clock on the mantle, wondering why time had seemed to slow to such an unbearable pace.

It was near to one in the afternoon when they finally arrived. The house smelled of the turkey, ham, vegetables, and pies that had been brought in from the kitchen. Mixed with the scent of fir and balsam from the tree and greenery, it was the smell of happiness and home. Many a joyful Christmas had been spent together, and no matter if we were in Chicago or Washington, it was these smells that brought the emotions and joys of the season to my heart. However, this year, those smells were incomplete until I took her hand in mine and leaned in to kiss her cheek, adding her unique scent of lavender and freesia to the mix.

Dinner was a delightful affair. Bella had been seated next to me, allowing us to hold hands throughout. It was a bit troublesome, eating with my left hand as she held on to the right, but I managed with few mishaps. Once, when I dropped some potatoes from my fork, my father questioned my change in hand usage with a smile. I felt Bella try to pull her hand away to free the one I usually used and had to reach quickly to reacquire it. I simply told my father that my other hand required resting, causing Bella to blush and the rest of the table to laugh heartily. My father then looked to Bella and said, "Tend his hand well, Bella. I would hate for him to overtire it!"

We adjourned to the parlor for presents after dinner. Many of them were tied to the tree to further the decoration. Bella's broach hung from a top most branch, wrapped in brown paper and tied with a piece of Alice's ribbon that she insisted she could spare. I made sure to hold that present for last in hopes that she wouldn't make too much of a fuss over the expense if all eyes were on her.

After the flurry of activity that was opening presents and exclaiming over the kindness and hard work put into each one, it was Bella who noticed the last remaining gift on the tree. I smiled when she pointed it out to me and stood to retrieve it. As I handed it to her I saw a mixed look of excitement, concern, and remonstrance for receiving yet another gift. "Edward, it's too much," she said before she even opened it.

"I promise it has purpose and value," I countered, holding my breath as she pulled the tie of the ribbon. She very delicately removed the paper from the box, ensuring it could be reused for a later purpose, and opened the box. Her eyes grew wide and she dropped the box into her lap as her gaze darted quickly up to me.

"It is too much!" she cried. "Why would you buy me such an extravagant gift?"

"It will hold your cloak closed and will also serve to show my love for you," I explained as I knelt beside her and took her hands into my own. I leaned forward and whispered to her, "I'm not able to put a ring on your finger yet, but couldn't resist the temptation of putting something of mine on you. Please say you'll wear it, over your heart when appropriate, so that I may always have place there."

She answered me as a small tear glistened her cheek, "Edward, you always have place there. I will wear it for you, but know that even if it is ever removed, you will still be there." I reached out a hand to wipe the tear from her face, pleased that my gift was well received, and stared into her eyes, never wanting to move from that moment.

My mother broke us from our contemplation of each other, saying, "Why don't you children gather your presents and put them away. They have filled the wash basin at the park with water and I understand it is frozen solid. You could go skating, perhaps?"

Alice greeted this request with excitement. My parents had given all three of us new skates and we were pleased with the prospect of giving them a go. I ran my gifts to my room, taking special care to hang the new shirt and ascot from Bella in my armoire to keep it from wrinkling. I quickly returned to the bottom floor to see Bella placing her and her father's gifts on the bench by the door. She had her skates tied together and flung them over her shoulder once her coat was on. We waited a few moments for Alice, laughing that she was probably fixing her hair or attire before we went.

There were many young people on the ice, giving the park the atmosphere of a grand party. Alice was as lithe as ever, twirling and dancing over the slick surface. Bella, however, required my constant assistance. It seemed her skates caught at every nick and divot in the ice, sending her headlong onto the hard surface. Thankfully she laughed at each fall, thus ensuring me that she was unhurt as I helped her up. I took to winding her arm in mine as we skated in circles, thereby keeping her vertical, although on occasion I almost fell myself as she lost her balance. I couldn't quite get enough of her nearness. Her cheeks were aglow with exertion and the cold, looking as if they were permanently stained with that blush I so adored. A smile lit her face, and she frequently broke into laughter at her own inability to stay upright.

At one point I turned to skate backwards, simply so I could look into her eyes and have an excuse for holding her closer in my arms. As the sun began to sink I spun around behind her to lend my warmth to her own as she shivered in the cold. I certainly didn't want her to catch a chill. We had slowed our pace until we were barely moving; I knew she was tired from the day's exertions. I was again thankful for her heavy skirts, as well as my coat, for hiding my true feelings of the moment. I was finding it quite difficult to keep my lips from her and my hands where they belonged. I knew my closeness was of my own doing, but I couldn't quite find it in me to put distance between us. In fact, I longed to bring her in even until I could wrap myself around her like a glove. At least, until I heard her father calling for us across the ice, then I couldn't put space between us quickly enough.

I looked over to where he was standing, and assisted Bella as we skated over. Charlie lifted his eyebrow as he greeted me, "Edward, I trust you've had a good time?"

"Yes, sir, thank you," I replied quietly, knowing I deserved some chastisement for having been so close, and afraid he would be able to tell my current physical embarrassment.

He simply looked at Bella and told her it was time to leave. "You can come skating again tomorrow, if you like," he told her. My head snapped up with hope. "I'm sure there are plenty to chaperone the two of you, and I trust that you will conduct yourselves properly?" He looked towards me with his question.

"You can be certain of it, sir," I declared. I then gave him a questioning look, which he thankfully understood as he gave me a nod. He turned to climb into the wagon to allow me to say my salutations. I turned her towards me with my hands on her shoulders, and sighed as I felt her place her hands on my waist, wishing I could draw her into me. I leaned my forehead onto hers and said, "Goodnight, my love. I'll come gather you in the morning, if you are agreeable?" She looked into my eyes and merely nodded. I could see the exhaustion in her eyes, and I feared lest I had pushed her too hard. Wanting to release her to her rest I leaned down to gently touch my lips to hers, forcing my hands to remain on her delicate shoulders lest they travel where they didn't belong, especially with her father looking on. The sound of his throat clearing indicated that the kiss was over, so I trailed my hand down her arm, taking her hand, and offered her my help as she removed her skates and climbed into the wagon.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when Alice startled me by saying, "She might be too tired to skate tomorrow, brother. I think you effectively wore her out."

I turned so quickly that I fell off my skates and landed hard on the ice. "For the love of all that is holy, Alice, don't sneak up on a guy like that!"

She laughed heartily as she answered, "It wasn't sneaking. You would have heard me come up if you weren't so busy mooning over Bella having to leave. Now, I'm exhausted, would you carry me up the hill to home?"

I slipped off my skates, noticing hers were slung over her shoulder. I tied them together for her to hold as I knelt down with my back to her. She climbed up, and I grabbed her legs as I raced up the hill, enjoying hearing her laugh as we ascended. "I don't know how you have the energy to run up this after skating all afternoon!" she exclaimed in my ear. "Do Bella's kisses give you more energy?" I laughed at her, not able to speak due to becoming winded from the combination of my exertion and laughter.

The next week was spent either walking around the town, on skates in the park, or on sleigh rides in the countryside. I was very grateful that Alice was so friendly with Bella, since she was required at all of our outings. She never once complained of being tired, or voiced any desire to do anything other than what either Bella or I suggested. I once questioned her on this, and she indicated that she enjoyed the activities as well, and simply being with us made her happy and so had no desire to do anything differently.

She did exact her revenge, however. This was the season of parties, and she insisted on making us presentable. We dared not complain, lest she have reason to voice her own complaints in the daytime. My family hosted the New Year's ball, and Alice put us hard to work in decorating the house. Furniture was removed from the parlor and dining room to facilitate dancing. The chairs were arranged in small groupings so those who were resting might freely converse. My mother inspected all the arrangements, making sure no corner was available for quiet trysts. Bella assisted in planning out the menu, and insisted on helping the cook with a few of the recipes. Alice was thrilled when it was billed as the highlight of the season.

The new year did not bring the peace and joy that we had hoped for as it was rung in. Starting in the middle of the month the news trickled in of what was happening in the east. Most alarming was the portion of the text of the speech given by Tennessee Governor Isham G. Harris:

**In my opinion, the only mode left us of perpetuating the Union upon the principles of justice and equality, upon which it was originally established, is by the Southern States, identified as they are in interest, sentiment, and feeling, and must, in the natural course of events, share a common destiny, uniting in the expression of a fixed and unalterable resolve, that the rights guaranteed by the Constitution must be respected, and fully and perfectly secured in the present government, or asserted and maintained in a homogeneous Confederacy of Southern States.**

**The South has no power to reunite the scattered fragments of a violated Constitution and a once glorious government. She is acting on the defensive. She has been driven to the wall, and can submit to no further aggression. The North, however, can restore the Constitutional Union of our fathers, by undoing their work of alienation and hate, engendered by thirty years of constant aggression, and by unlearning the lessons of malignant hostility to the South and her institutions, with which their press, pulpit, and schools have persistently infected the public mind.**

**While I sincerely trust that Tennessee may never be driven to the desperate alternative of appealing to arms in defense of the rights of her people, I nevertheless deem it proper, in view of the present excited state of the public mind and unsettled condition of the country, to call your attention to the fact that, with the exception of a small number of volunteer companies, we have no military organization in the State, the militia having disorganized immediately after the repeal of the law which required drills and public parades. Independent of the impending crisis, I regard a thorough re-organization of the militia as imperatively demanded by every consideration of prudence and safety. I therefore submit the question to your consideration, with the earnest hope that you will adopt such plan of organization as will secure to the State at all times, and under all circumstances, an efficient and reliable military force.**

This was followed by the information that Mississippi, Florida and Alabama had all seceded from the Union within days of this speech. As time went on, and we returned to school, all talk was over the crisis before our country. At first Mr. Banner tried to forbid the bringing of the newspaper to school, hoping that would get us to focus on our studies, but soon he too fell in to discussing what we all knew was coming. He started to list on one of the boards the states that had seceded. Following Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Kansas and then Texas all declared secession. In February the Southern States voted to become a Confederacy. Former President Buchanan refused to surrender Federal Forts to the seceding states, angering the rulers of the new Confederacy. At the end of February, Confederate troops surrounded a supply train bound for Fort Sumter, refusing them entry.

A sigh of relief was heard when the text of the newly inaugurated President Lincoln was read. He stated that he had no interest in ending slavery where it existed, but was much against secession. We all hoped his conciliatory words would have effect. Our hope was in vain.

At the end of April, news reached us that President Lincoln had planned to again send supplies to Fort Sumter, so he alerted the state of South Carolina in advance, in an attempt to avoid hostilities. South Carolina, however, feared a trick. On April 10, 1861, Brig. Gen. Beauregard, in command of the provisional Confederate forces at Charleston, South Carolina, demanded the surrender of the Union garrison of Fort Sumter in Charleston Harbor. The Garrison commander Anderson refused. On April 12, Confederate batteries opened fire on the fort, which was unable to reply effectively. At two thirty in the afternoon, April 13, Major Anderson surrendered Fort Sumter, evacuating the garrison on the following day. Luckily, the only wounded or killed in this battle were those who lit a canon to signify the relinquishment of the garrison, and suffered as it misfired.

While this was a time of strife for our country, and debate raged in the town square over the rightness of the question of slavery and each state's self-determination, it was a time of bonding and love for Bella and me. We found ourselves in agreement over whether we sided with the South or the president. While we felt slavery was wrong, we felt the states did have a right to choose for themselves. We both condemned their secession, sure that if cooler heads would only prevail then a solution could be found. I strongly informed Bella of my intent to join a regiment if one formed in the territory to fight for our country. I could tell this frightened and worried her, but I knew it was my duty. How could I in good conscience face my future family and be called coward?

As the weather warmed, so did our affections. If I had been grateful for Alice being willing to accompany us before, I was now truly indebted to her for ensuring that our kisses did not become too ardent, our touches too forward. When we forgot her presence, she would exclaim over some small thing to bring us back to ourselves. We both found the need to apologize frequently to her, knowing we must not be very good company. She just declared it her sisterly duty and reminded us that the day may come when the obligation might be returned. I both hoped for, and dreaded, that day.

Another day was upon me, however. One I had longed for since I first held Bella in my arms. The school year was drawing to a close; many students had already retired to work in their family's fields. I had a task before me that I was both excited for and terrified of: the discussion with Charlie of a marriage contract between Bella and myself.

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**A/N**

**War is coming, and as you can see the heads of the government weren't helping matters. But Edward and Bella are young and in love, and as all do, feel the war won't touch their lives negatively.**

**I promise there won't be too much discussion over the war, only as it affects the characters. Right now they are very concerned and it is _the_ topic of conversation with everyone they meet. Besides, from Edward's last thoughts, I'm pretty sure you know what's coming next...**

**Love it? Hate it? Let me know!**


	9. Chapter 9 Proposals

**Yes, I know this is a day early. You'll be getting the next chapter early too because I'm going on vacation next week. So, you get next week's chapter on Friday (or Saturday before the plane takes off, but most likely Friday).**

**Endless love to my amazing betas Stavanger1 and whenpoetryrises! They make this so much fun, and put up with me spamming their inbox.**

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Chapter 9 – Proposals

I hadn't spent time with Edward for weeks. Oh, we had seen each other when he came to fetch Pa and me for church on Sundays, but was so tired afterwards that I felt the need to insist that he spend the day in rest rather than conversing with me. He had hired on with two families this spring, splitting his time between them, leaving him working from long before sun-up to far beyond sun-down. I tried not to let him know how much I missed him, because I knew the reason he had finished up his studies early and taken on so much work. It was for us. I took heart that he wasn't joining the logging, even though it paid more, since it was inherently dangerous. The days of happy courting were coming to an end; it was now time to prepare for marriage and adulthood. To that requirement, our time was spent in securing our future.

While Edward was working in the fields, Alice and I had spent our time in our kitchen gardens, planting what was needed. We had discussed with our parents that we felt it redundant to plant the same things in both gardens, and so had arranged for planting different things at the different locations. Since my house was more shaded, we planted the cool crops there. Peas, lettuces, some differing herbs, carrots and the like were there. Hers had the pumpkins, squashes, sun-loving herbs, potatoes and many others. Since her house was atop a hill that had been cleared, there was plenty of sun. That, coupled with the cisterns on top of the roof for the water closets, which ensured plenty of water for irrigating, meant we could have a rather large garden there. As both of us were laboring in both gardens, the produce would be split between the families. Although, Charlie and I required quite a bit less since there was just the two of us. Both gardens were surrounded by nasturtiums and marigolds to keep out the damaging insects and invite in the bees for pollination.

Alice proposed that when we weren't gardening we should work on the contents of my hope chest and trousseau. Edward's father and mine were working out the details of our marriage contract. Alice told me that Edward wouldn't formally offer marriage until that was worked out. I had thought these contracts had fallen out of fashion, and that since we were marrying for love, such a thing was unnecessary. Edward insisted that he wanted to secure my future and inheritance if anything should happen to him. He was afraid that if he died I would be left penniless and so had put into the contract that I was to be given any and all of his inheritance from his family if he preceded me in death. This generosity was unheard of, but his family readily agreed, for which I was grateful. It meant they looked on me as a daughter. It also meant they feared, as I did, his desire to join in the war that was growing.

After Pa had told me that Edward had approached him regarding the contract, I decided to make my wedding dress. I was quite surprised when Alice insisted this wasn't needed. She took me into the spare room beside her own where she kept an extra armoire, opened it, and showed me the most exquisite wedding dress I had ever seen. While it was still common to be married in black, the fashion had been changing to marry in white, and this dress was like new-driven snow.

The skirt was many-layered, the top layer split from the point at the waist, revealing the layers of ruffles of the underskirt, and ending in a ruffle of its own at just below my knee. The underskirt ruffles continued in layers to below my feet. The bodice was tight, and layers of ruffles rose up from the same point on my waist to circle my shoulders, meeting in another point behind. This would serve to accentuate my small waist, and remove the need for sleeves as the layers were long enough to hit the middle of the top of my arms. There was a bonnet made from the same material, with a small veil that could be attached. The lace on the dress was repeated in the snood to hold my hair. She also showed me white gloves that extended up my arms to meet the ruffles and covered my fingers instead of leaving them bare. There was also a new chemise, corset, stockings, crinolines and petticoat. It was obvious the entire ensemble had been designed by Frederick Worth, and must have cost a fortune.

"Alice," I inquired, "when did you purchase me a wedding dress?"

"You don't really think I was all _that_ interested in sewing your clothes last year, do you? I needed your measurements to send off for the dress. It actually just arrived last week. Pa picked it up. It's your present from our family." I was shocked beyond belief. I knew the Masens were well off, but this outfit must have cost over two hundred dollars! Not to mention the cost of shipping it from Paris. The total cost had to be more than my father earned in a year.

"Last year? How did you know I would need it last year?"

She gave me a withering look. "Honestly, Bella, I don't know how you can be so smart and so oblivious." I balked at her comment but she held up her hand to silence me as she continued on. "You're the only girl Edward has ever shown interest in. You became my friend so quickly, which was important to him. You make him want to be a better man. Within weeks he couldn't stay away from you. It wasn't so very hard to figure out. Besides, you are becoming a Masen. You simply must have the proper dress. Ma helped me pick it out, don't you like it?"

Mrs. Masen picked it out? That would mean that she also knew and approved all this time. I was overwhelmed by their acceptance of me. While it was true that my father held an important position in the town, it wasn't as respectable as Mr. Masen's. Yet, they seemed to be aware, far more than Edward or I was, of what was coming between us. My emotions started to get the better of me, and I could feel tears of gratitude fall down my cheeks. "Thank you, Alice. It's perfect." I wrapped my arms about her, enveloping her in a hug.

I had thanked Mrs. Masen profusely for her kind wedding gift. She had pulled me into a hug and told me that she loved me like another daughter, and was grateful to have me in their lives. She also asked me to call her by her given name, but that seemed too disrespectful, so I asked if I may simply refer to her as mother. At first I had thought her gasp of shock was due to feeling this was inappropriate, but as tears gathered in her eyes and a smile grew on her face, I knew she was happy. I was thrilled, as I could barely remember my own mother.

Work seemed to continue without end as the summer progressed. So did news of the war. There was talk of forming a regiment in Washington Territory, and I cringed whenever I heard that, knowing Edward would be among the first to join up. Battles had begun to take place in various places in the south as the Union troops invaded to bring the rebels to bear. There were wins and losses on both sides, and the town hummed with the debate over the rightness of the war. Some felt the Southern states should be let go while others maintained that the union must remain whole. Edward always took the side of the latter. While I agreed with him, the thought of him going to battle, and perhaps being listed amongst the dead, caused me no end of worry.

Chief Billy and Jacob stopped by in the middle of June, bringing us buckets of the wild berries that grew in the forests in their area. Pa and I knew it was a gift, but couldn't let them return empty-handed, and so presented them with a quilt that Alice and I had pieced together during the winter. There were enough berries for Alice and I to make jam. That was one of the few times I was able to see much of Edward. The planting was done, and so he and Jacob had decided to "help" Alice and me with the jam making. We secretly thought the only help they offered was in the jam tasting.

While I chastised both boys for eating jam meant for later, I wasn't sorry they were there. That day Edward would occasionally come by with a wet cloth to wipe my brow for me, his other hand circling about my waist and pulling me near. I would turn about to rest my head on his chest, which had become even broader and harder with the work he was doing this summer. I was certain the heat I felt was from more than his body and the kitchen. Every time he took me into his arms, it seemed as if I would simply melt into him. I found myself easily distracted whenever he came near, and once almost let the jam burn as I stared longingly at his lips, wishing them to be on my own. Luckily, Alice was able to pull it off the heat in time.

At the end of June the marriage contract was ratified. Pa and Mr. Masen signed it. Edward and I would enter our own names upon it on our wedding day. Not only did it afford me the right to Edward's inheritance, it also made me his sole heir, even if we had children. He told me he wasn't worried about me making sure our children were taken care of, and it did allow for them to inherit after my death. Like Emmett and Rosalie's contract, it also required that a house be provided for me, and so the land neighboring the Masen's was purchased and work on our home was begun. A few other provisions included the disposition of my dowry, that my father's house would be claimed solely by me upon my father's death, and that my consent must be given for the sale of any and all lands. I argued that it gave me too much, and him barely anything. Edward scoffed at me and said, "I get you, therefore I have all I could ever want."

Reports of skirmishes began to reach us. Phillipi Races in western Virginia, then Big Bethel in eastern Virginia, and Boonville in Missouri, with continuing attacks in Virginia and Missouri. Talk had begun in earnest of forming a regiment from Washington Territory. Word reached us that Colonel Justus Steinberger might be assigned to muster a regiment in the spring. Recruitment would begin in the fall. Edward was excited. I was devastated. I begged him to think again over joining. He assured me that we would be wed before he went. As if that was any consolation.

A party was planned for the fourth of July. It was subdued this year due to the hostilities within our nation. It's hard to celebrate a country that has been torn asunder. The town council decided that some celebration was still necessary, even if it was simply to pray for cooler heads to prevail. A picnic in the square followed by dancing and a few fireworks at dark was the extent of festivities. Alice was thrilled with the thought of a summer dance. They were usually held in fall and winter so the cool air could help with the heat, but one held outside in late evening was alluring. One of the lumber mills offered up use of some lumber for constructing a dance floor in the wash basin of the park that had been used as a pond for ice skating in winter. Many, including our fathers, contributed labor to building it. Many hours were spent in sanding it smooth enough to dance on.

The day dawned fair, a rarity for us, with intermittent clouds scudding by to block the intense heat of the sun. The atmosphere was one of a fair; many ladies brought out their best canned goods and smoked meats for the picnic. Loaf upon loaf of bread was being sliced to build sandwiches, all contributed by the ladies auxiliaries of the local churches. Tables were laden with foodstuffs of every kind, and the Quileutes were invited to join us. They brought a variety of smoked fish and bucket upon bucket of the berries that grew wild on their lands. Many of the men made appreciative comments on the variety and taste of all the food.

The day progressed with joy and merriment. Games were set up for the youth. Sack and hoop races were enjoyed. Teams were formed for playing baseball, with fathers playing against sons. There were many wrestling matches, but Edward and Emmett were idle for most of those as few were willing to pit themselves against them, especially now that Edward had filled out so from his labor on the farms. Jacob had great success, however. He had also grown greatly since I had seen him last month, almost matching Edward in height. Many of the other boys from the tribe had grown considerably as well, and my father questioned the chief what he was feeding them. Billy just laughed and said, "Children are like corn, they grow in the summer at night."

A few girls from the tribe, Kim, Emily and Leah, joined Alice, Rosalie and me in a cooking competition. Rosalie made a dish from the potatoes that grew so well in the volcanic soil. Alice offered up some sourdough bread. Kim and Leah had a haunch of venison they had marinated and cooked over one of the fires provided by the boys. Emily cooked up eggs, mixed with some native cheeses. I provided a tart made from the berries brought by the Quileutes, which Emily teased me about saying that if I won then they should get a share of the prize. The boys all sat around and sampled the food, and were supposed to declare a winner. After much discussion amongst them, with their heads close together, Emmett stood and said that they decided that they were the winners since they got to eat the food. Edward told me later that each boy had voted for his own girl, with Jacob undecided, and that was why they went with what they did.

As the sun began to sink lower in the horizon, the lamps around the floor were lit. Edward led me out, not even allowing me to pick up a dance card. "What is the point?" he asked. "I plan on monopolizing you, and everyone knows it." I merely laughed as he began to twirl me in a waltz, losing my breath at being held so close. I was finding it difficult to keep my left hand firmly planted on his shoulder. It seemed to develop a mind of its own as it began to descend down his arm or, my favorite, his chest. I loved feeling the muscles he had developed there, and felt so secure being held and led by his strong arms.

After a few dances I realized that there was very little space between us. My left hand was trapped between our chests; his right was wrapped about my waist. We were still flowing smoothly with the dance, but our eyes were only trained on each other. The love I could see there caused my emotions to become high and a tear formed in the corner of my eye. Edward moved our joined hands to my face to wipe it away, and asked with concern, "Why are you crying? Are you all right?"

"I just love you so much, and I'm afraid it has overwhelmed me," I answered in barely a whisper.

His answering smile could have rivaled the noon-day sun in its brilliance. He was about to speak again when he felt, and I saw, Jacob tap his shoulder to cut in. "Bella's father has asked that I come and put some space between the two of you. Please don't be angry with me," he said apologetically.

"I suppose we are a bit close," Edward said in acceptance as he handed me off. "Be careful with her, and please return her to me quickly."

Jacob laughed and reassured him, "As if she were my own sister. Where would you like her when I'm done?"

Something seemed to pass between them. Jacob's question seemed a confirmation of an earlier request. "At the northwest edge of the park would be perfect," Edward answered him as he gave me a smile and took off in that direction. I watched him as he went, and saw that he nodded to Alice, who immediately dashed off ahead of him.

"What are you up to?" I questioned Jacob as he took my right hand in his left, and set his left on the outside of my waist.

"Whatever do you mean?" he countered. I knew that look, however. It was the same look of innocence he always gave when caught doing mischief.

I stopped my feet, fixed a glare on my face, and in the tone I always used with him to call him to task said, "Jacob Black. I know you are up to something." His eyes grew wide, ready to deny my accusation, but I put up my hand from his shoulder to stop his words. "What are you planning with Edward and Alice?" I demanded.

"Pititchu, that is between us. I promise you will not be displeased. Let them have their fun, please," he pleaded.

I gave a huff, and settled, "As you wish. But I will be taking you to task with them if I'm not pleased. Do you understand?"

"Completely," he laughed as he took me in his arms again and tried to spin me in the waltz. He wasn't as practiced as Edward, since this wasn't a dance his people normally engaged in. He had learned it just last fall, in fact, after returning from fishing with our fathers. I'm quite sure he had very little practice.

When the song ended he took my hand and rested it in the crook of his elbow. I could see that Jessica and Lauren were whispering behind their hands as they looked at me. They always felt it was improper that I had a relationship with a native, no matter how friendly our peoples were. I just shook my head and started to try to wheedle out of Jacob what was going on. "Why are we going to the corner of the park? What's there? What are they up to?"

For each question he simply responded, "Wait and see." I looked over to find Charlie, and could see him in discussion with Mr. Masen. They were also looking towards the northwest corner in anticipation. I turned my head to look that way, only to have Jacob spin me around. I heard Alice's giggle as she tied a kerchief about my eyes, effectively blinding me.

I tried to struggle, but Jacob locked down my arms. "None of that, Pititchu. Remember my promise, and be patient." I decided this would all be over with quicker if I just went along. I knew my father was in on the secret, and he didn't seem to be upset by it. I also knew that Edward was waiting for me there. Those thoughts stilled me, and I allowed myself to be led complacently. Jacob made sure I didn't stumble, _much_, laughing when I did and he had to catch me.

We seemed to walk forever when Jacob finally stopped me. "Keep your eyes closed, Pititchu," he whispered as he removed the kerchief from my face and I felt him step away. I nodded in compliance, for I could smell Edward in front of me.

I took in a deep breath, his scent calming my nerves. I felt his hand come up to touch my cheek, "Open your eyes," he whispered. When I did I looked straight into his. That look of love I had seen on the dance floor was still within them and I couldn't help but lean in closer. I barely noticed in my peripheral vision that lamps were hanging from the trees and roses had been tied beneath them; their scent mixing with those of the night and Edward's. I lost my breath as he leaned in to place a quick and chaste kiss upon my lips. He leaned his forehead against my own, and continued to whisper, "You know how much I love you. You know I want to tie myself to you in every way." He quickly knelt down in front of me, keeping my left hand in his right. "I'm asking that you give this," he squeezed my hand, "to me. That you will stand before the reverend and agree before God to be my wife."

I was stunned. The warmth of the night crept into my cheeks as I focused in on Edward. Part of me knew that Jacob and Alice were nearby, but I had little recollection of them. All I could think about was the love I felt for the man kneeling before me. I squeezed the hand holding mine as I answered, "It is yours already, Edward, along with my heart. I will be honored to be your wife."

He bent his head over my hand as he said, "Thank you." He then placed a kiss upon my knuckles, and slipped a ring on my finger. I could hear clapping around us. To my utter mortification I noticed what had to be half the town surrounding us. Cries of 'kiss her' were heard as I bent my head in embarrassment. Looking at Edward, I could see his crooked grin form on his face as he arose and took my face in his hands. "I love you," he whispered as he started to kiss me lightly. I decided that since the entire the town had seen the proposal, they could watch the kiss as well, so I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him into me. His kiss became stronger as I, hopefully quietly, moaned into his mouth. His hands left my face to wrap around my waist and I relished the feel of his body pressed against mine.

The sound of laughter from the crowd parted us, not to mention that all too familiar clearing of throat coming from my father. He clapped a hand on Edward's shoulder and muttered, "Well done, son. Now back to the party."

Alice and Rosalie ran up to me, grabbing my hand to look at the ring. It was the first time I had seen it. Most women didn't have engagement rings, as it was sometimes difficult to afford even the simple gold band that was common. I looked down on it myself for the first time, surprised by how pretty it was. There were many diamonds arrayed in a marquis shape, with fine filaments of gold woven over them to secure them in place. I looked up to Edward, and with a smile, allowed him to draw me back to the dance floor. We only had eyes for each other as the fireworks started to go off, and I felt the reverberations of the booms in my chest as he bent his head down to offer me another kiss.

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**Sigh. Don't you just love Romanceward? Anyway, I wanted to thank all who voted for me in the Age of Edward contest, which got me into the finals. I was selected as Best New Author! Hooray! Hugs and kisses to all!**

**Now, tell me, if married, how did your hubby propose? If not, what would be your dream proposal? Mine left me a note on my computer. Yeah, a true romantic.  
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	10. Chapter 10 Preparations

**Okay, ladies, we start to earn the M rating here. **

**If you are under 18, you should probably not be reading this chapter, and definitely shouldn' t read the next couple! I don't want to be hearing from your mothers about what an awful person I am for writing this! If you were my child, and were reading this, your first offense would be no internet for a month, second offense two months, and third offense three months with the site permanently blocked so you couldn't see it. If you don't believe me, ask my kids who've not been able to play WoW for 20 months now because of some of the talk that was going on. If you think you can hide it, you're wrong because we can buy software that allows us to see every site you visit, sends alerts for every word you read and type that is on a list we create, and allows us to make permanent blocks for your logon. Okay, mom rant over.**

**As always, so many thanks to Stavanger1 and whenpoetryrises. This wouldn't be half as good without them. I love commas way too much.**

**I may not own Twilight, but Stav and I are planning to go see NM together.**

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Chapter 10 – Preparations

Alice was insane. Because of the war, the celebrations of her and my birthdays had been very quiet affairs, but she had insisted on giving me "the perfect suit to be married in." I had to unwrap it where Bella couldn't see for some reason, because she had wanted it to be a surprise. Now she was forcing me into it every few days to make sure it still fit. Apparently my work was causing her grief, in that I was still gaining muscle which caused the material to "pull all wrong." Bella didn't seem to mind them, so I didn't understand Alice's problem. I simply didn't have time for this nonsense, however. When I came in from the fields it was simply to go to work on what would be the home for Bella and me. After spending the remaining hours of the day there, I was exhausted and really didn't want to put on anything but my nightshirt.

Well, I didn't mind taking the time to steal a few kisses from Bella if possible.

Alice was subjecting her to the same torture I was receiving. Her dress was being fitted again and again. I hadn't seen either the dress or any changes in Bella's figure, so I again questioned the necessity of this. Alice would just give me a withering look and walk away. I knew that look; it meant 'just don't question me.' I knew better than to argue.

The gardens were being done over, with many roses planted to provide beauty at our wedding celebration. Because of our fathers' positions in the community the entire town was being invited. I cringed at the amount of food that was being stock-piled by Alice. She was having huge chunks of ice brought in to keep everything chilled. I knew there was no way for Bella's father to pay for all of this, and occasionally heard my father call Alice to task over the expense. He never did this within Bella's hearing, for he knew she would put the brakes on Alice if she was aware of the cost, and he secretly wanted this to be as nice as Alice did. Whenever he complained too loudly, Alice would just look at him and say, "But what would the town think if it wasn't included?" He'd just sigh and authorize whatever purchases Alice felt necessary.

My mother was spending her time wrapping rice in bags of tulle to hand to the guests for our departure. This was after spending hours embroidering our initials on napkins that would be used at the dinner. The house had been cleaned repeatedly, top to bottom, by the servants, with either my mother or Alice directing the work. Fresh paint was also applied to walls and the staircase. Every day was pandemonium. My father took to teasing me whether I was working so hard on my own home in order to get Bella into it sooner, or to get away from the insanity of the women in this house. I just smiled at him, knowing he understood both were true.

Bella was hard at work as well. She spent her time making bedclothes, preserving food, and sewing towels to adorn our new home. We had decided to be married at the end of August, and she felt all must be complete before our wedding. I repeatedly assured her that wasn't necessary, but she demurred, and continued in her labors. Her father seemed to approve of this, as it gave me less time alone with her on the porch. Even _that_ was spent with some work in her hands.

Around the first of our marriage month I realized our wedding was coming up quickly. The nervousness I felt was growing. Not over being married. Nothing excited me more than the idea of spending my life with Bella. My nervousness was for the wedding night. I had heard that it was painful for women and as a result some didn't care for the act. I wanted this to be as pleasant for her as I knew it would be for me. My parents had discussed sex and child-bearing with me as a young man, but I had never learned of details. One morning, when both families I worked for assured me I wasn't needed, I squared my shoulders and went to visit my father. After all, he was a married man.

Seattle had built a small town hall, with a court room. His chambers were in a small room off the side of the court. I entered after hearing his "Come," which was spoken in response to my knock.

"Edward, to what do I owe the honor of this visit? I would imagine you would spend your rare day off with Bella," he enquired.

"Well, this is actually about her," I started. Not really knowing how to begin, and with a blush warming my cheeks, I just stared down at my shoes.

After a few minutes my intuitive father understood my hesitance. "Ah, you're concerned about your wedding night?" I merely nodded, still unable to look him in the face. "She doesn't have a mother, would you like yours to speak with her?"

"No!" I exclaimed, and then noticed his upraised brow, shock at my outburst evident on his face. "Sorry, sir, but please not unless she asks."

"That's quite all right. Then I presume you're here to talk about your part? I know we've discussed this before." He didn't seem terribly uncomfortable discussing this, which gave me courage to continue.

"I'm afraid of hurting her," I began, "how can I keep from causing her pain? How can I be sure she enjoys this?"

"You can't prevent the pain. She is a virgin." He waved me into a chair, and I complied, knowing this was an indication that he was willing to truly share with me. "Many things could have broken her barrier, already, just so you know and aren't surprised if you don't feel it and then question her purity," he warned me with a stern look. Noticing my look of confusion he continued, "I've heard of it happening, but don't know the means, just that I've heard it does." He then turned to the subject at hand, sitting up straight in his chair and folding his hands together on his desk as he gazed into my face. "You must be sure she is ready. You'll know this by feeling wetness between her legs. I'm sure you've had the desire to touch her, caress her?" he asked with a questioning look. At my nod he continued, "Do this until you feel the wetness."

"But how should I touch her?" I asked.

"Edward, my only experience has been with your mother. Do you really want to hear about this?"

I cringed at that. I knew they were young once too, but thinking of them that way was disconcerting. I knew they still loved each other immensely, but truly had no interest in learning about their physical relationship to that detail. "No, sir, I think I can figure this out."

"I know it's been a while since you've spent any time with Bella. Why don't you take the carriage and go for her? I can walk home." He patted his expanding belly, "The exercise will do me good."

"Thank you, sir. And thank you for the talk. I feel a bit more reassured."

"Don't work yourself up over this, son. All couples have to figure this out. Trust me, there is joy in the discovery," he said as he got up to come around his desk. He gave me a quick hug and sent me on my way.

He was right; I had finally had enough of being separated from her. Although our talk probably hadn't put me in the right frame of mind for meeting her, I still rushed to her house. She was on the porch, working on yet another project. I jumped down from the carriage and rushed to her side, loving the smile that alit her face when she saw me. "Put down your work and come spend the day with me," I begged.

"What should we do? I have so much yet to accomplish, Edward, I simply can't desert it," she countered.

"There is always work to do, Bella, I feel I haven't spent time with just you in so long. Please?" I knew I was cheating. I had leaned down to softly speak my plea in her ear, in barely a whisper. I followed with a small kiss to her neck just below her ear. "Come away with me," I continued as I planted small kisses along her jaw as I progressed to her lips, "let me show you your future home," kiss, "let me show you your future bedroom," kiss, "let me show you the rooms I have built for our children," kiss, "perhaps you could bring the curtains you have made and we can hang them," I hovered over her lips, "or the blanket for our bed and you can show me where you want it placed." With the last I took her lips in a kiss that left us both breathless.

"Perhaps you can take Alice on a picnic," I heard her father from behind me what seemed to be seconds later. "Or ask her to help you hang these curtains. They've been cluttering up my place long enough."

I quickly broke from our embrace to turn to face him. I could see the curtains, and surprisingly the blanket, in his hands. I understood him. He was giving us permission to go, but still reminding us of our responsibility to not falter in the observance of certain proprieties. I also understood his reasoning. If I used work as an excuse, I could entice Bella away to spend the day with me. She was ever practical.

"Why don't you go inside, Bella, and pack up a lunch to take with you. Spend time on your home. You'll want it ready after you're wed," he encouraged.

Her blush was high on her face as she hopped up, kissed her father on the cheek, and whispered, "Thank you, Pa." She then went into the house to prepare food as Charlie stayed on the porch to talk to me.

"You only have a few weeks, Edward," he started, "I remember how difficult this time was when I was waiting to wed her mother. Be careful. Don't put her or yourself in a situation where you might forget yourselves," he cautioned.

"I'm sorry, sir," I apologized. "I'm afraid I have just missed her so, and got carried away."

"I'm not upset, son. As I said, I fully understand. Been there myself, many years ago. I'm only asking for patience and prudence," he finished with a nod as Bella came from within, carrying a basket much too big for her.

I rushed to her side to take it from her, amazed at its weight as I pulled it from her arm. "What do you have in here? Surely we can't eat this much?"

She merely laughed. "That's not our lunch, Edward, but foodstuffs for the pantry. I already had it packed to go, and thought this would be as good a time as any to carry it over." With a small blush she added, "Perhaps you can put this in the carriage, and then come in to help me prepare the food?"

I noticed Charlie roll his eyes as I agreed. Bella returned to the house while I placed the basket in the carriage. Charlie was waiting for me on the porch and stopped me before going into the house. "I'll warn you now, boy. That girl is working on training you. I'm not saying not to help, just understand you'll be expected to do this for the rest of your married life whenever you're around."

I laughed my reply, "My Pa told me a man works to dusk from dawn, but a woman's work is never done and so I should help whenever I have ability. I've seen how hard Bella works, so I honestly have decided not to mind."

"Good man," he said as he clapped me on the shoulder and followed me into the house. Bella looked at us with a raised eyebrow, and shot a glare to her father. I knew then she had heard the conversations on the porch and had probably rushed out with the basket to stop the first, and I was thankful for my answer to Charlie in the second since I was probably now in her good graces.

Bella and I went to my house to collect Alice and leave the carriage. Alice bounded out as we pulled up to help us unload the curtains and bedspread. She was someone who truly found joy in the happiness of others, and was always looking out for those she loved. As a result, she always was able to anticipate what was needed and dove right in to help no matter the task.

I unhitched the horse and turned him out to the corral, then put away the carriage. Alice and Bella had been talking about decorations. Well, Alice had been talking and Bella had been trying very hard to be interested. She occasionally gave me a look to hurry up so I could save her, so I rushed as fast as I could. Apparently Alice had been keeping an eye on me as well, for as soon as she noticed I was done she put her arm through mine and positioned herself between Bella and me as we walked to my future home. At first I was annoyed with this arrangement, but she indicated to the front of my parent's house with a nod of her head. Standing there was Mrs. Stanley, who was in conversation with my mother but had her eyes trained on us. My annoyance vanished in a wave of gratitude towards Alice. Even though Bella and I were engaged, we all knew Mrs. Stanley would think it improper for me to walk Bella into the home being built, but if Alice were dragging us along it would be fine.

We made it to the door quickly. I was carrying the box of foodstuffs Bella had given me earlier and took them out back to the kitchen with Bella following behind. She hadn't been up here since we had paced off the foundation due to her chores, taking care of the gardens, her father, and spending all her time on sewing things for our home. I knew she had seen it rise up, and had occasionally commented on its size. It wasn't as big as the house my parents occupied, but only because it didn't have a third story. The bottom floor had a parlor, dining room, music room and library. There was a covered walkway that led from the dining room to the kitchen out back. The stairs weren't nearly as grand leading to the second floor; no sweeping arches, just straight up to a hallway. However, the entrance still was quite nice. The second floor had our room, two more bedrooms for our children, and a water closet. The cistern on the roof had yet to be added, but I had run up a pipe from the well so water could be pumped by hand into a wash basin. The room was large enough to hold a tub and even had a small pot-bellied stove where the water could be heated for baths.

When Bella reached the kitchen she let out a loud gasp. Next to the fireplace stood a cook top stove. The firebox beneath already had wood laid in it ready to be lit, and the flue connected into the chimney. To the side of the firebox was a warming box whose temperature could be regulated by opening and closing the dampers to the fire box. Bella had asked for an oven in the chimney, but I had found this instead and thought it an improvement. Nearby was a mechanical refrigerator. It used ammonia and water to effect refrigeration, and the waste ammonia was pumped into the pit that had been dug as a below-ground cesspool. There was a storage container nearby for holding the ammonia that would be needed to replenish that lost in the refrigeration process. The wash basin also had a hand pump to bring water up from the well, removing the need to fetch water. A pantry was built off to the side, and to this I took the box Bella had given me on the porch earlier, chuckling at Bella's surprise as I went.

When I emerged from the pantry it was to find a mixed look of love, appreciation, and disgust on her face. Again I laughed. I knew why the disgust was there. "You think I spent too much again, don't you?" She just nodded. I walked over to her, gathered her in my arms and leaned my forehead against hers. "Bella, I just want the best for you. I know how much you enjoy cooking and so wanted to make it easier so you could be done quicker in order to spend more time with me."

"It's still too much," she countered. "With the war effort, we shouldn't be so frivolous with our money." Excitement filled me when she said _our_ money. "Neither of us has been schooled yet to afford such luxury."

"But we will be, and my father set up a trust I can use until then," I argued. "Besides, it's too late to send them back." I took her hand and pulled her from the kitchen to the stairs. "Now let's lay out that blanket where you want the bed placed." Alice gathered the blanket and rushed before us to our future bedroom.

The girls put the blanket in various locations, and then would lie down on it to get a sense of how it would feel in the room. Watching Bella lie in the make-shift bed brought back to mind my earlier conversation with my father. The desire to touch her, and see if I could cause the effects he had told me of was growing, so I had to look away. After all, it wasn't only the desire to see the effects on her that was growing. I took the curtains to the various rooms on the second story they would adorn and a few minutes later heard Alice calling me back.

"I think we've found the perfect location, but you need to try it yourself," she explained as I entered the room. Bella was still lying on the blanket. We had lain on a picnic blanket together before, but this just seemed different. I could see her blushing as I approached, no doubt she was having similar thoughts as mine, and I also began to blush as I lay down beside her. I had to tear my eyes from her to look about the room from this vantage point when Alice reminded me of the reason for me being there. It really was a nice location. With the windows open I could feel a light breeze blowing across us. That was pleasant in the heat of August. "Well, I'm going to go hang curtains while you two discuss if this is really where you want the bed," Alice said, excusing herself and leaving us alone.

I looked over to see Bella on her side, leaned up on her elbow. She reached over and traced the circles under my eye. "You look so tired. You're not getting enough sleep working for two families and building our house. Why don't you rest here awhile?"

"Stay with me," I asked. At her nod of agreement I gathered her into my arms, and lay her head on my shoulder. I reacted to her nearness, but felt a sense of contentment and tiredness wash over me. So I let my exhaustion carry me into slumber.

Judging by the shadows on the walls, it was a couple hours later when I awoke. I could hear Alice arguing with what sounded like Emmett downstairs. Bella was still asleep on my shoulder, and I could feel the prickles in my arm where the circulation had been cut off. I hated to move her, but didn't want Emmett to come up here and find us in this position. "Bella," I whispered as I stroked her face with my spare hand, "wake up. Emmett's here." She stirred slightly, nuzzling her face into my chest and snaking her arm lower on my abdomen. That movement caused a strong reaction in my body, and I grabbed her hand quickly to raise it up to my chest. "Bella, love," I encouraged, hearing Emmett's footsteps on the stairs, "you need to awake before Emmett walks in on us." At this her eyes popped open and she sat up quickly, a little too quickly as she swayed precariously.

I sat up also and grabbed her shoulders to keep her from toppling over, looking into her eyes with love when the door banged open to reveal Emmett. "Don't you think you should at least wait until you have a bed?" he laughed from the doorway, causing Bella to light up with a scorching blush.

"Emmett, have some tact!" I shouted at him, trying to block his view of Bella with my own body.

"Edward, I know it's all perfectly innocent. After all, it's not Rose and me lying there!" I could hear Bella's shocked gasp behind me, as could Emmett. "It's all right Bella, Rosie won't mind me telling you. We know you don't gossip. She's downstairs with Alice, by the way, if you want to go speak with them." I jumped up at her nod, she was still a bit sleepy and so words weren't coming, and assisted her to her feet.

As she walked past Emmett she whispered something to him that caused him to laugh loudly. When she left the room I invited him in to show him where the girls had decided to put the furniture. Emmett had been helping me build the house, and was going to help me move the furniture in. In return, I had promised to help him with his once the materials were bought. I asked him what Bella whispered, and he laughed as he answered, "She said I ruined her dream." He paused, looked to me and asked, "How far have you two gone?"

Embarrassment filled me and I blushed as red as Bella had. "Just kisses," I answered.

"You know if you have questions you can ask me, don't you?" he enquired. "Sometimes a friend is easier to talk to than a father."

"I already talked to my father," I said with a grimace, to which he laughed. "I didn't find it immensely helpful."

He clapped me on the back as he laughing asked, "Well, what do you want to know. Don't be afraid to ask, as I'm sure Rose is giving her an earful downstairs right now."

I decided this was probably my best chance to get the information I needed, so I plucked up my courage and said, "I just don't want to hurt her."

"Can't be helped," he answered.

"But I can still have her enjoy it, right?" I asked.

"Ah, so that's what the problem is really? Are you afraid she won't like it?" At my nod he started an in depth description of the female form and how to bring her pleasure. I was surprised to find that her pleasure center was where it was located, until Emmett pointed out that it wouldn't be a very good thing if it was in the birth canal. He described the things I could do, but admonished me that what worked for Rose may not work for Bella. "Of course, the discovery is half the fun!" he laughed. "Take the time, and you'll be glad," he continued. He then went on to describe what it would look like when she obtained her release. "Wait for that, and it will be easier for both of you," he admonished. "It's still going to hurt. I had been with Rose many times before she said it didn't hurt anymore. How they bear children is beyond me," he said with a shake of his head, "but they manage." I thanked him for his counsel, now really looking forward to the time I could try some of the things he had described.

He then shocked me by telling me some of the other things I could do. How, instead of using my fingers on her sex, I could use my mouth and tongue, assuring me that she would enjoy it. He also told me of how she could use hers on me. I found that thought intriguing, but didn't feel I could request that since I was unsure of how she would feel about it. He described other places to touch and suckle her that sent a wave of desire through me.

I knew I would need to discuss something else before I returned to Bella lest she noticed the evidence of my desire for her. So, when he was finished I changed the subject to enquire about his home and how the purchase of materials was going. "With costs increasing due to the war," he said, "I find myself falling behind. I really don't want to wait much longer to wed Rose, but am at a loss as to what to do to earn what is needed."

"Let me pay you for the work you've done on my home," I offered.

With a shake of his head he said, "No, Edward. We are friends. Friends take care of friends and don't ask for payment."

"Exactly," I countered, "friends do take care of friends. I'll pay you for your labors. I'm going off to war most likely, and so might not be able to help you build your home as I won't be here. I couldn't take advantage of you this way. Payment would ease my guilt." I could see he wasn't sold on the idea, so I pressed on. "Consider it a wedding gift, or simply realize my house is bigger and so required more work. I'm just equalizing the work needed, then." I could tell he still didn't want to accept, so I threw in one more enticement, "What if Rose became pregnant, Emmett? What would people say? Surely you want to wed before that happens? Right now it's just rumors. Surely you don't want to give proof of your indiscretions? Think of her."

That did the trick, and he acquiesced, thanking me profusely. I demurred, knowing he would have done the same for me if our positions had been reversed. Thanks to the discussion, my other problem had gone away, so I suggested we go meet up with the girls. I had also missed lunch, and knew Bella had packed a picnic for us and was anxious to get to it. When we arrived downstairs it was to find a brightly blushing Bella and Alice and a smug looking Rosalie. I'm sure their discussions had been as frank as ours had been.

The weeks following our discussion seemed to fly by. Soon all the furniture was arranged in our new home. All the fittings were complete on the clothes for the wedding party. The gardens were immaculate and in full bloom, the church decorated, and the cabin for our honeymoon on the coast secured and stocked with food. My parents had purchased a fast, new carriage with a matched set of six grays to pull it that we would be taking on our honeymoon.

The day before our wedding found me at Reverend Weber's in a deep discussion about life after death. I wanted to know if I would be with Bella again. I had a bad feeling about going to war, and worried over if I would see her again if I died in battle. "Dying is like going to sleep for the righteous," he assured me. "God will not keep us from our loved ones if both are worthy. Keep yourself good, Edward. Be honorable in your dealings with your fellow man, especially your enemy, and it will be well with you," he assured me. "You have kept yourself and Bella chaste?" he questioned. I quickly assured him I had. "Then I have hopes to see you there after we have both parted this existence." I felt reassured at his words and rushed to Bella's house, wanting to spend as much time with her as possible.

I knew Alice wouldn't allow us to see each other until she walked down the aisle the next day, so I sat with her on her porch until quite late that night. Charlie let us be, although I knew he was close by. Because we were in a place where others could see us, I tried not to get carried away. I think that was Charlie's plan. Once, when I broke away and she tried to pull me back I whispered to her, "Tomorrow love. Tomorrow I'll wait for you at the end of the aisle, and with joy take your hand in mine and bind myself to you before God." I continued speaking to her as I placed kisses along her jaw. "Tomorrow night I will allow myself to show you my love for you." I heard her sigh and felt her hands, which had been wrapped about my waist, ascend to the nape of my neck as my assault on her went on. "Tomorrow I will take you to bed and make you mine," I whispered into her ear, kissing her below it.

I heard her sigh my name, and knew I needed to leave soon lest I ravish her in this public place. My trousers had already become quite uncomfortable and I feared I might embarrass myself completely if we continued. With that in mind I was able to disentangle myself from her, regardless of her sound of frustration. I leaned my forehead on hers and placed a kiss on her nose. "Remember, tomorrow."

"I'll be the one in white," she answered. I helped her to her feet and saw her safely into her house. I untied Manitou from the hitching post, but didn't ride home, thinking that might be painful. I also hoped the walk would give me time to lessen the problem I was having. I slipped into my bed that night in full knowledge it would be the last time I slept there. I quickly escaped to my dreams of Bella walking towards me and holding my hand as we promised ourselves to each other.

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**Long note below, you have been warned!**

**The stove/oven described here was in existence in the late 1850s. The large, coal-burning cast-iron stoves we usually think of came about in the late 1860s.**

**The refrigerator was invented in 1800, and in 1834 Jacob Perkins obtained a patent that used ether to effect refrigeration using the same compression and evaporation technique we have today (a very good description of how they work is found here: hypertextbook (dot) com/physics/thermal/refrigerators/ ). The evaporation of the ether caused a decrease in temperature, with the cold air being piped into the cold box. There was no electricity to recompress the gas like we have today, so it was allowed to escape into the atmosphere. Ether, both in liquid and gas form, is flammable, heavier than air and narcotic (not good in kitchens where fires burned), and was replaced by ****Ferdinand Carré who developed the first ammonia/water refrigeration machine in 1859****. The ammonia was piped out to sewers, and also had to be replaced. Had the new technology reached Seattle by August 1861? Most likely not, since they had easy access to ice. But this is fiction, so I'm bending the rules slightly. It did, however, exist at the time of the story, and became more common in the confederate states since they didn't get ice from the north anymore, so I'm letting Bella have one. Edward insisted.**

**Also, this chapter is early for a reason. I'm on vacation, leaving tomorrow. The next chapter won't post for another 10 days, but then I'll be back to my regular posting schedule.**

**Last, but certainly not least, many thanks to LuvtheCullenboys for her awesome reviews!**


	11. Chapter 11 Celebrations

**Hey ladies! I promised today, and even though the time is late, I am posting. Hawaii was wonderful, by the way. I had so much fun. The kids spent all their time in the teen center on the cruise ship, so it was almost like a second honeymoon for Baboo and me. Well, except that his parents were there. And his sister. And her friends. And the kids did show up occasionally. But still, it was simply amazing!**

**Same warning as last chapter, only now things get a bit more, um, explicit. Hope you enjoy!**

**As always, Stavanger1 and whenpoetryrises made this all pretty for me, and saved you all from an overabundance of commas.  
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**The only thing this has in common with Twilight is the name of the characters. Thanks to SM for that!**

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Chapter 11 – Celebrations

Sleep had been impossible. I knew I needed to, but my mind kept drifting to Edward's last words. _"Remember, tomorrow."_ Only, now _tomorrow_ was _today_. My mind refused to quiet as it thought on the heat of his kisses, the feel of his hands, the taste of his lips. I knew many hours would pass before I was able to hold him in my arms but that was what I longed for.

The talk I had with Rosalie frequently surfaced in my brain as well. She had assured me that things would go smoother than I feared. "It's not like you're piecing a quilt, Bella," she'd chided. "It'll be as natural as breathing. Touch him where you want to. If he likes it, he'll let you know."

When I finally started to doze as the sky began to lighten it was only to dream. Only this dream wasn't like ones in the past. This wasn't an overactive imagination envisioning making love to my husband for the first time. Edward's constant talk of the war is what pushed itself to the forefront of my unconscious mind. He was always reading to me from the paper, telling of battles won and lost. Reciting lists of the dead.

It had started out as my dreams normally do, with me kissing Edward. His lips would devour my own, and just as I was about to faint for want of air, he would move them down across my jaw, dropping to my neck. I would arch away from him to give him better access and could feel his warm breath as he whispered his love to me. His hand would come up to the neck of my dress and undo the top-most button in order to kiss the divot where my collarbones met. My breathing was too fast and insufficient to capture the air necessary to form words in response to the feelings surging through me. I was incoherent at best as I lifted my hands to his hair, running my fingers through the silky texture there.

But then, everything changed. The smell of gunpowder assaulted my nostrils with an acrid scent that I could _taste_, intermixed with the rancid smell of death and decay. We were standing halfway down a hill that had obviously once been covered with grass, but was now muddy with blood soaked into the dirt that had been tilled up by the step of hundreds of marching feet. I could hear the screams of the wounded and dying about me as his hands fell away from my shoulders. I looked down on him only to see his eyes roll back into his head as he sank unconscious before me. A scream built in my throat as blood started pouring from a wound low on his stomach, pooling beneath him. I was barely holding onto my sanity when I felt a hand grab hold of my ankle. Jumping back I could see another soldier, his uniform so dirty I couldn't tell if it was blue or grey, the hand he had used to grab me reaching up in supplication as he cried in a voice rougher than the sound of the mill as it ground the wheat to flour, "Water. Please give me water."

A knife appeared in the wounded soldier's hand when he spied Edward and the canteen that suddenly materialized about his neck. He used the knife to cut the strap of the canteen and quickly uncapped it and brought it to his lips. Only, no water poured forth. In a fit of rage he turned the knife in his hands and the scream that had been building ripped forth as I saw him plunge the knife, to the hilt, into Edward's heart.

My scream woke me from the nightmare. I jumped from bed hurriedly to search for Edward, frantic with the loss of him, until I finally roused enough to understand it had all been a horrid dream. I came to my senses finally, forcing myself to calm as I realized this was my wedding day. My _wedding _day. I peaked out the window to see a rare sight, a sunny day in Seattle. There was still lingering moisture on the grass from the rain that had fallen the night before, and it refracted the light into hundreds of tiny rainbows across the grass of the lawn. The light danced off of water droplets barely clinging to the leaves of the trees, making them appear as if diamonds were hanging in the branches as birds sang a welcome to the glorious day. Their songs were a pleasant sound to help drive from my mind the memory of the cries of agony I heard in my dream.

I could hear Pa calling me from downstairs to come to breakfast. I was surprised to smell bacon. Pa was cooking? I rushed down in my nightshirt to ensure the house didn't light on fire. When I reached the bottom of the stairs he started to laugh at my expression. "I do know how to cook, Bells. Perhaps not as well as you, but who do you think fed you until you learned how?"

I blushed in my embarrassment and lowered my gaze, ashamed to look at him. Of course he would remember, it just had been so long that I couldn't recall him _ever_ cooking. "Sorry, Pa. I guess I just didn't think."

"Your minds on other things this morning, I reckon," he asked with a smile. I knew he was referring to my wedding, and while it did occupy my thoughts, the fear of the dream wasn't fading away as quickly as I would have liked. Misinterpreting my expression he asked with a look of concern, "You don't have to go through with this if you don't want to Bells."

My head shot up in surprise, "Of course I want to go through with this!" I cried. "I'm just having trouble erasing a bad dream from my mind." With that I shook my head, hoping the movement might dislodge the memory. Pa just harrumphed and I took my seat at the table, waiting for breakfast. I understood my father wanted to take care of me as his daughter one last time. I glanced up to the clock on the mantel and realized that Alice would be by soon to collect me. I would be bathing and getting ready at her home, while Edward, my father, and the other menfolk would be dressing at my new home.

I couldn't help but smile when I thought of the home that would soon be mine. The hours of work Edward, and lately Emmett, had put into it. I had never lived in a place so fine. The last of the furniture had been moved in a few days ago and it was ready for habitation. Alice had gone through each and every room, declaring them perfect, only to return to the bedroom directly off the one Edward and I would be sharing and declaring it the nursery. I had blushed violently at this and she had just replied with, "You have no idea how long it will be before the Good Lord blesses you with a child, it's best to be prepared." I noticed Edward took on a contemplative look at that.

I knew Edward had arranged something with Emmett so that he and Rose could finally have enough to build their own home. I was surprised her father was holding so tightly to their contract, in spite of the rising costs due to the war. Or, perhaps it was _because_ of it. As I watched Charlie set breakfast before me I realized how protective a parent needs to be. Alice's comment had made me realize that could be me soon. It was an idea that once it had taken root seemed to blossom within me, bringing a sense of happiness and joy at the thought of a child of Edward's.

Alice arrived partway through breakfast. She bounded in the door as was her usual style and grabbed a piece of bacon off my plate as she sat down next to me. "Edward's all done setting up things at my house, and has gone to yours to get ready, so it's safe for you to come over now." I just laughed at her strict adherence to tradition. "Don't laugh, Bella, you'll thank me later!"

"Now Alice," Charlie chided, "some things are just silliness and you know it."

Alice just ignored his words and started giving my father instructions. "Don't forget, your suit is at Edward and Bella's house. Once you're dressed you're taking Edward and Pa to the church. Please make sure all the pews are clean and none of the flowers have come loose. Jacob and Billy said they would meet you there to help seat people. Also, make sure Emmett is dressed properly, as he's standing up with Edward, and that he has the rings. Reverend Weber said he would have the candles lit but you may need to help him with them. It's very important that –"

"Alright already, Alice, I know my duties," Pa exclaimed while holding up his hands to ward off any more possible assignments. "Just take off with Bella. I'll clean up here and then head over to Edward's."

"Finally," I heard Alice mutter as she grabbed my hand and started dragging me to the door. I quickly grabbed another slice of bacon so I could have something more in my stomach, knowing I wouldn't be eating again until this evening. Once up in the carriage Alice continued her rant. "I thought I'd never get you away, he was so bound and determined to spend more time with you. We have things to do!"

I just sat in rapt amazement. First, that Alice had manipulated my father so. Second, that this petite young woman was driving a carriage so quickly without even batting an eye. I had to grab hold of the back of the seat to stay on as she rounded the corners, coming into her father's stable at almost a full gallop. She pulled sharply on the reins, causing the horse to practically sit down on his haunches to stop so quickly, and had jumped down before we even had come to a complete stop. She was halfway to the house before I could even alight from the carriage when she stopped and called to me, "Hurry up, Bella! The days wasting!"

"Alice," I admonished, "there's four hours till the wedding!"

"Yes, only four. We need to get you bathed and your hair dried and set. It's so thick it will take much of the time," she answered as she grabbed my hand and dragged me into the house and up the stairs. Waiting for me in the guest room I always used was a tub full of cool water. With the heat, it wouldn't be pleasant to have a warm bath. Alice rushed me through this, wrapping me in a towel as I climbed out and immediately went to work on my hair. She set it with rollers so it would curl nicely in the snood which was laid out. Once it was up, she let me at least put on my chemise as I sat by the fire waiting for it to dry.

Due to my lack of sleep, I quickly fell into a doze beside the heat. I was vaguely aware of Alice working on my nails and putting some light cosmetics on my face. I was thankful to be able to sleep through this torture. She eventually let me be to sleep to go and get herself ready.

She woke me about an hour before the ceremony to take my hair from the rollers and arrange it with the ribbons and snood. She helped me into the rest of my undergarments, and lastly put her hands backwards through the sleeves of my dress in order to pull mine through properly. With all the material it was impossible to see so I was thankful for the help. She made quick work of the pearl buttons up my back and arranged my skirts so the train wouldn't drag in the dirt as I went to the church. She then stood me before a full-length mirror so I could see myself. I was stunned. I couldn't believe the wide-eyed woman looking back was really me. Alice whispered in my ear, "Edward will be so pleased."

I turned and kissed her cheek. "Thank you, Alice. You truly are a miracle worker."

She waved me away as we heard a knock on the door. "Bella?" my father called from the other side, "are you decent? May I come in?"

"Yes, Pa," I answered and gasped as he opened the door to reveal a dashing looking man. I was so used to him in his work clothes; to see him dressed in a fine suit was a shock. "Oh, Pa. You look so handsome," I gushed.

He actually blushed at my statement. "And you, my dear, are a vision," he said as he stepped forward, tears in his eyes. "You're all grown now." He hesitated as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box. "Before she died, your mother asked me to give you these on your wedding day." He opened it to reveal some sapphire studded combs.

"Oh, Pa, they're lovely," I said, feeling quite overwhelmed.

"She wore them when she married me, her mother wore them when she married your grandfather, and now you'll wear them as you marry Edward. Perhaps one day you'll have a daughter who'll carry on the tradition," he said as he handed them to Alice. "Make them perfect, Alice."

"I will, sir. Don't worry," she answered quietly as she reverently took them from him and arranged them in my hair. After they were in, Pa kissed my cheek and excused himself to get the men and head to the church.

"Mrs. Masen is riding with the men. Jacob came with me and is waiting below to drive you girls. We didn't think it was right for you to drive yourselves," he told me before we left.

"Are you ready?" Alice asked me quietly after he left. I merely nodded. She took my hand and led me down the stairs to where Jacob was waiting to help us into the carriage.

He let out a low whistle when he saw us. "You girls are lovely," he commented. He came over to place a kiss on my cheek and whispered in my ear, "Pititchu, you are glowing more than ever. It warms my heart to see you so happy."

I looked up into his warm, dark eyes to see a look of happiness for me in them. "I hope someday to see you as happy, Jacob," I answered.

He threw back his head and laughed. "Well, if it takes too long, and if no one has caught Alice's eye, maybe we'll settle for each other," he said as he gave her a roguish wink.

Her lilting laughter filled the room. "We are not for each other, Jacob Black, and you know it!" she returned as she swatted his shoulder.

He gave a loud and dramatic sigh and placed his hand on his heart as he jokingly replied, "Rejected yet again." Somehow I doubted he had ever truly been rejected. He turned and called over his shoulder, "Come now, ladies. Your fathers will have my head if you're late." He took special care with our skirts, to keep them unspotted, as we climbed into the carriage, then quickly jumped up and we took off to my future.

It was a fast drive, and yet it seemed to take forever. I felt it had been an eternity since I set my gaze upon my Edward and I longed to see him. My father was waiting for me in the vestibule, and I put my arm in the crook of his. Alice fussed with my skirts and attached my veil to my bonnet, draping one layer over my face. She then took her position in front of me and put her arm in Emmett's. Rose was playing for us and I could hear the music start, signaling Alice and Emmett to walk out into the chapel.

"Last chance to back out," my father whispered.

I laughed, "No, thanks Pa. Now please take me to my husband."

He kissed my cheek and walked me through the doors as the music changed. The congregation arose, but I couldn't tell you who was there. As soon as we walked into the back of the chapel my eyes searched for, and found, Edward. He was resplendent in his suit and was aglow with a huge smile upon his face. Emmett set Alice on my side of the dais and took his position behind Edward. My father had to hold me back as my steps picked up their pace in my rush to reach my groom. "Whoa there girl, he's not going anywhere," my father whispered as he slowed my steps.

"I know, Pa," I whispered back with a blush, "I'm just excited." He just patted my hand and kept the pace.

After what had to be the slowest walk in the history of going down the aisle we finally reached our destination. My father put my hand in Edward's, whispering to him in a voice rough with unshed tears, "take care of her."

"I will, sir, with all my heart," he answered. As my hand slipped into Edward's I finally felt complete. I know the words the reverend had us recite, only because we had rehearsed them recently. As the ceremony progressed, the congregants, the church, and even the reverend, seemed to fade away as I stared into Edward's eyes. There was so much love there, so much hope for our future together. I couldn't believe I was becoming his wife less than two years after meeting him. At the periphery of my perception I heard Reverend Weber declare us man and wife before declaring that Edward was now allowed to kiss me. He took his hands from mine and lifted my veil over my head, trailing his arms behind my back and pulling me into him as my hands wrapped about his waist. "I love you, Mrs. Masen," he whispered as his lips finally came down on mine.

Edward and I had kissed many times over the past year, but this one was different. If I had finally felt complete when I took his hand at the alter, I now felt home. Only this was no home I had ever imagined. There was safety and comfort there, but also a fire that began to burn within my heart, warming me from the inside outwards. It spread like a wildfire sparked by lightening raging through drought dried trees; consuming me as I pulled myself into his embrace, trailing my hands up his back. But I didn't fear this fire; I craved it. I felt I could languish in its heat forever.

All too soon I could feel Edward disentangling himself from my arms, putting me away from him with a smirk upon his face. I could hear the tittering of the congregation, and knew that we had allowed ourselves to get carried away a bit too much. Edward turned me as Reverend Weber announced, "I give you Mr. and Mrs. Edward Masen." This was greeted by applause as we made our way back down the aisle.

When we stepped outside I noticed that dark clouds had begun to build in the west, foreboding an ominous storm to come. The wind had also picked up, and I feared lest it would blow away the chairs that had been set up around the tables at the Masen's home. Alice noticed my panicked expression and patted my arm in comfort. "Jacob noticed the storm and left during the ceremony with a couple more boys from his tribe to take care of the tables and chairs. He said to say he was sorry to miss your wedding, but felt you would prefer this."

"He really is too good to me," I answered her. "I must do something for him to show my appreciation."

Edward had overheard our discussion and leaned down to comment, "Feed him, especially some of your jam. I know he loves it, and it's the reason he brings you buckets of berries in June."

Because of the impending storm we, together with all the guests, hurried to the Masen's home for the celebration. Jacob had, under Mom Masen's instruction, moved out the furniture from the parlor and music room, pushing the piano to one side, to set up the tables there. He also had the dining room table set. We couldn't be all in one room, but at least we would remain dry and wouldn't have to worry about things blowing away.

During our meal, the storm opened up, dropping great sheets of rain accompanied by small hail, across the town. Thunder rattled the windows from time to time as lightening struck nearby, sounding much like the cannon fire in my dream this morning. Enough hail fell to make the lawns appear as if a snowstorm had hit in the middle of August, leaving some of the blossoms of the roses damaged from the force of their impact.

At first I was despairing over the ruined reception, but then Emmett got up as best man to offer his toast. He moved into the hallway so all could hear his voice, and hit his glass with a knife to draw everyone's attention. "Into every life some rain must fall," he began, drawing laughter from the guests, "and my wish for you is that this is the worst you'll have. To Edward and Bella," he finished, raising his glass to his lips as all gathered there repeated his last words and drank in agreement.

Alice then arose as maid-of-honor to offer her toast. "Tradition has it that rain on your wedding day brings good luck to your marriage. Given the ferocity of this storm, I can safely predict that you two will have a blissful life full of love." Cheers greeted her toast as well, and left me with a feeling of comfort.

By the time the dessert dishes were cleared away, so were the storm clouds. The day brightened again, cooled by the storm, leaving a very pleasant evening for dancing under the lanterns hanging in the trees. The dance floor used in the park a couple months ago was being reused as our dance floor, with an orchestra playing off to the side. Edward led me in the first dance, and after a couple minutes others joined us on the dance floor. I remember being handed off to my father, then Edward's father, then Jacob, but kept returning to Edward between each person. When I was gone from him, I longed for him, but maintained a feigned interest in whatever it was I talked about with each of the others.

As the night wore on I found myself in Edward's arms on a continuous basis. I don't know if we were dancing exactly, but I didn't really care. All I noticed was the warmth of his arms as he held me. He bent his head to kiss me. This wasn't the heated kiss, full of passion, that we had shared at the end of our vows. This was warm and languid like the night air we moved through in our slow dance. The fire still burned within me, but it was the heat of damped coals, offering warmth and comfort without burning out quickly. It was a kiss that sealed us together forever; a spirit of promise that would last through the eternities.

After a time Alice came to gather me to change for my and Edward's journey. I wasn't entirely aware of her until Edward murmured around my lips, "Go away, Alice."

"She needs to change. She doesn't want to ruin her dress, and you are expected at a certain time," she challenged. I knew she was talking of our honeymoon, and since I had no idea of where we were going I broke from Edward's lips with a questioning look.

"Alice," Edward admonished, "speak carefully. I want this to be a surprise." I could hear people nearby laughing at our exchange.

"Then hand her over. I promise to return her to you, fit for travel. If you don't hand her over immediately, I will tell her where you're going," she threatened.

Edward turned a glare on her, but relinquished me to Alice. "Be quick about it, please."

There were chuckles at Edward's comment as Alice pulled me away to change. She rushed me up to the guest room and made quick work of the buttons on my dress. Leaving me in my undergarments, she grabbed an exquisite dark blue dress from the armoire, threaded her hands backwards through the sleeves again, and grabbed mine to pull them through. The bodice was plain, just a row of buttons down the front, long-sleeved and high-necked. The skirt was also plain, full enough to cover the crinolines, but only one simple pleat around the circumference about three-quarters of the way down. It was obviously designed for travel, and just as obviously expensive.

"Alice," I questioned, "where on earth did you get this dress?"

"I ordered it at the same time as your wedding gown. I couldn't have you travel in your gown, and your prairie dresses simply wouldn't do." She proceeded to change my snood, ribbons and bonnet to something that would match the dress, and handed me a long coat to ward off the chill as we traveled in the two-seated carriage. She then rushed me back down the stairs and I found Edward there waiting for me.

I gave him a quick kiss and began to look around for my father. "He's over behind the stairs," Edward said, reading my intent.

"Thank you," I answered as I went in search of Pa. I found him standing apart, trying to keep tears at bay. "Pa," I whispered as I wrapped my arms about him, "thank you."

"For what, Bells?" he sniffled.

"For being the best father a girl could have," I answered as I gave him a kiss on his cheek.

I felt Edward's hand on my arm and turned to him as my father admonished him to take care of me once again. Edward willingly agreed as he pulled me away to go out the front of the house. The guests were lined up on either side and threw rice as we passed to our carriage. Edward helped me in, fitting a blanket about me, and then quickly jumped up himself. Taking the bundle of reins to control the team of six, he cracked a whip above them and we took off at a shot. I spied Jacob along the way, seated on his pony, and we waved as Edward drove off with me.

We hadn't gone far before the lack of sleep and fatigue of the day began to catch up with me. I heard Edward chuckle as a huge yawn escaped me. "Why don't you try to get some sleep?" he offered. "It'll be a few hours before we reach our destination, even with all these horses pulling." I agreed and situated myself so that I was using his leg as a pillow. I pushed back so that I was in the crook of his leg and hip, and heard his quick intake of breath at my proximity. I blushed, thinking of one of the things Rose had suggested I try with Edward. We hadn't been intimate yet, though, so there was no way I was ready to do _that_. I felt him pull the blanket up around me with his free hand, only to rest it on my waist to hold me as I slept. The steady tread of the horses, with the creaking of the wheels, quickly lulled me to sleep. The last thing I recall being Edward's words, "Sleep well, my love."

Edward calling a stop to the team pulled me from my slumber. I could smell the ocean and hear the waves lapping on a beach nearby. I opened my eyes to see an older man take hold of the lead horse's bridle to steady the team. He and Edward spoke, but I was unsure as to what was said since I wasn't fully awake yet. I was able to register Edward shaking my shoulder gently and calling to me quietly, "Darling, we're here. You need to get up now, I'm afraid."

"Where are we?" I asked, my voice deep with sleep.

"At the end of the peninsula," he answered. "Governor Wallace has a hunting cabin up here that he has kindly lent to us for as long as we like. He has even sent some of his servants to prepare the place, and they will come to check on us every few days," he continued to explain as he climbed down from the carriage, walked around, and helped me out. "It's quite remote, and we will have relative isolation."

I looked again at the cabin, and back at him, blushing at the thought of what we were about to do. "How long can we stay?" I asked. "Surely we need to get back eventually." Edward had decided that once we were married he didn't want to continue working in the fields, and had, instead, begun clerking for his father. He had told me he hoped to be able to attend law school and follow in his father's footsteps once the war was over. By clerking, he would be able to ascertain if this was something he would want as a career.

"My father doesn't expect us anytime soon. He arranged with the governor for us to be here for at least a month, but we can stay longer if we just communicate that we wish it," he informed me.

I turned from him to get a better look at the cabin I would be spending the next month in. It was two stories tall and whitewashed, with a porch that wrapped around the entire structure. Dormer windows indicated the location of rooms on the second story. A small cistern on the roof alerted me to the fact that there was at least one water closet within, and I had hopes that the sink was outfitted with a hand pump to bring in fresh water. The stables for the horses and carriage were off to the side, but there was no separate building for a kitchen, meaning it must have been within. Understandable for a cottage on the shore.

I was still a bit tired, and stumbled on a root in the driveway as I began to walk towards it. Edward dropped the valise he was carrying and swept his left arm around my shoulder as his right went behind my knees, quite literally sweeping me off my feet. He placed a kiss on my lips as we crossed the threshold and whispered, "I love you, Mrs. Masen," as he carried me to the back where a large bedroom awaited us. He set me on my feet, keeping his arms around me and his lips roaming about my face as he continued his words of love. He lifted his face from mine and looked into my eyes. I could see desire burning there, and feel the blush heat my face as I once again thought on tonight's activities.

He untied the ribbons of my bonnet and removed it from my head. He carefully removed the pins holding on my snood and securing my hair, allowing it to fall in waves down my back. I trembled at the feeling of his fingers on my neck as he trailed them down and in front to the clasp of my traveling coat. He pushed the coat down off my shoulders, catching it behind me as he pulled me close in his arms.

He broke away when we heard a knocking at the doorway. "Why don't you get cleaned up while I speak with the butler," he said. I nodded my agreement. I removed my gloves, laying them on the bureau, and took a brush to my hair. Looking about the room I spotted a wash-basin with a fluffy hand cloth and towel lying beside it. A pitcher was sitting in the middle of the bowl. Undoing my bodice with one hand, I poured the clean water into the bowl with the other. Between my dress, the coat and the blanket, I had gotten quite warm. I could hear the manservant talking with Edward in the parlor, laughing with him. I dipped the cloth in the water and used it to cool my breast, shivering as I felt a droplet of water run down between them.

I heard him return to the room, and closing the door he asked, "Do you need help with your dress?"

"Yes, please. Alice did it up for me and I'm not sure I can undo the buttons in the back," I admitted, then realized I would probably need help with more than just the dress. I felt my face heat as I whispered, "I'll need help with the corset too, please." I felt his hands lightly touch me as he started to undo the first button. The warmth of his fingers sent a jolt through me at the same time they caused my skin to raise in anticipation of more caresses. He made quick work of undoing my dress and slipped it off my shoulders, leaving it to pool on the floor. His hands went next to the drawstring of my crinolines. It felt as if he ran the string through his hands, tugging very lightly until I felt the bow give way. Letting go of them, they joined my dress on the floor.

"I don't want it to wrinkle," I said as I bent to pick up my dress.

I heard his sharp intake of breath as he reached around my waist to pull me close to him. "Leave it," he whispered. "We can have the maid iron it later." I could feel him, all of him, as he held me against his body. He was warm, and hard, and most definitely aroused. I reached my hands back to try to hold him, only to feel his hand come between us to release my corset. He took a step back to pull the strings to loosen the stays enough for them to slip over my hips and join my other clothes on the floor.

I longed to hold him, touch him, and yet was at his complete mercy. My heart rejoiced when I felt his hands at my shoulders, turning me to face him. It was then I noticed that he still had on his shirt and trousers. I raised my hands to the buttons on his shirt and blushed as I shyly asked, "Do you need some help, too?"

I could feel the rumble in his chest as he laughed. "If you like," he answered. Oh, I very much liked. I liked even more as I undid the buttons, revealing his hard and sculpted chest to me. The labor he had done in the fields had most certainly had a positive effect. His breathing picked up as my hands continued down, undoing buttons as I went. When I reached his trousers I chanced a glance up to him. His green eyes were darkened with desire as he stared into mine. He placed a sweet kiss upon my lips as I began to undo the fastenings of his pants, the kiss becoming more insistent as I progressed. I was quite surprised when I heard him growl, "You're going to kill me with anticipation at this rate," and quickly peeled off his shirt and shoved down his trousers.

We just stood there, me in my chemise and knickers, him in his undergarments, and took each other in. I had longed for this moment for over a year, and now that it was upon me I wasn't quite sure what to do next. I remember some of the things Rosalie had mentioned, but was feeling insecure about trying them. I was relieved when Edward whispered, "I love you," and began to kiss me. Gone were the tentative touches and gentle pecks. His arms were about me, crushing me to him as his lips ravished mine. I could feel his driving desire in his kiss, his touch, his arousal that was pushed against my hip. I brought my hands to his shoulders, pushing them back into his hair to hold his lips tighter to mine.

Suddenly Edward reached down and lifted me into his arms, causing me to make a squeak in shock, and he walked quickly for the bed as I giggled at his impatience. Laying me down gently, his lips began to trail from my face down my throat, pushing aside my chemise to continue his journey as my hands began their own discovery of his strong back. I felt a moan escape as I leaned back and he continued to kiss me down my body, lapping up a droplet of water that had settled between my breasts.

I felt him gather my chemise and begin to bring it up my body inch by agonizing inch. I was quite ready to be rid of the garment so I could feel his bare chest against my own. He stopped his ministrations on my body and looked at me with a question in his eyes. Was he wondering if it was all right? I couldn't bear him stopping, so I nodded quickly and was rewarded by the feeling of his hands ghosting over me as he pulled my chemise up and over my head. I felt a bit self-conscious as he stared at me, but at the same time quite wanton as I reached for him to draw his hand to touch me.

A fire ran through me when he took my breast in his hand and I had to grab hold of his bicep to center myself as he began to knead the sensitive flesh there. I came undone when his lips pulled my nipple into his mouth, uttering a gasp at the pleasure that I was sure would have been embarrassing to me if I had been fully conscious of it. I couldn't help but look down at what he was doing, twining my fingers in his hair to hold him to my breast. He looked up, his gaze locking with mine, and began to trail his hand down over my stomach to the drawstring of my knickers. I felt butterflies in my stomach and he held my gaze as he loosened the string there. I could feel an aching below that I had never experienced. His hand trailed over the band at the top to my hip and he began to push them from my body. Rising up my hips I used my own hands to push the now unnecessary material from me.

His gaze dropped from my eyes and traveled the length of my body. Feeling quite self-conscious at my lack of clothing, and desiring to peruse his form as he was doing mine, I trailed my hand down his chest to the buttons that held his undergarments together. Only, I couldn't seem to get them to give way! I fussed with them, but hearing his chuckle I looked up with frustration and just a bit of petulance. "Would you like for me to help?" he asked.

"I can't seem to work the buttons," I answered, another tell-tale blush heating my face.

He reached down and loosened them with one hand, an action quick with experience. I wanted to have that experience so that I may remove them quickly if the need should arise, but that was an activity for another time. For now, I just wanted them off! I tried to sit up to push them from him, and was taken with his manhood standing up at attention.

"Oh!" I exclaimed, lying back as I saw him, feeling a bit intimidated. Surely this could not fit inside of me! Rosalie had laughed when I had asked if it was possible for a man to be too big, reminding me babies came through there, and that even though it was painful at first, my body would adjust. I certainly hoped so. Fear started to creep back into me, the desire fading away in its wake as I looked on him. I trailed my eyes and hands back up his body and placed my hands on his shoulders as my gaze continued up to meet his own.

"Don't be afraid," he whispered as he leaned over me to taste my lips again, "we'll go slowly." At my nod I felt the hand that was resting on my hip come back in towards my center. He looked down to watch his hands and I closed my eyes, both in reaction to the sensation coursing through my body and to try to push away the fear that was flittering around the edges of my mind. I could feel his warm fingers drop lower to the apex of my legs. Pushing my folds apart he began to lightly rub me in a most delicious fashion. Another groan ripped through me as the fear was thrust firmly away. I didn't think it could get any better, but then his lips found my breast again, sucking the nipple hard into his mouth.

I was overwhelmed with feeling. I wasn't sure anymore where he was touching or what he was doing, only that I was sinking quickly as the waves of desire and pleasure crashed over my body. I was finding it difficult to breathe; I simply couldn't get enough air into my lungs. My pants were becoming erratic as the pressure within built. I could hear myself moaning. The sounds becoming louder and louder as I fell deeper and deeper into the bliss that was consuming me. I was sinking and burning at the same time, unable to breathe, unable to think, only focused on my center that felt as if it might explode with the pressure. Until, explode it did. If I had thought the build-up was intense, it was nothing compared to the crash of my body as I shuddered and moaned louder than ever.

I knew this was my release, but all it did was leave me wanting more. I needed to feel him on top of me, inside of me. I grasped onto his shoulders and pulled him to me. I thrilled to feel his weight as he rolled above me, pushing my legs apart. His manhood was situated right outside of where I desired it most, and I squirmed to try to draw him in. And, in he did come. And did it ever hurt! My eyes snapped open and I could feel every inch of him as he slowly entered me. He would stop occasionally to allow me to get used to him, and once tried to pull back out. I knew that wouldn't help, so I wrapped one of my legs around him to encourage him. He had given me such pleasure, now it was time to do the same for him.

I winced when I felt him hit my barrier and again he paused, looking at me to see if I was all right. I knew I could do this. Rose told me to just breathe deeply and try to relax. So that is what I did. I looked up into his eyes again and nodded. He took my lips in another kiss, pulled back slightly and quickly thrust himself past my barrier to bury himself within me. I didn't want to but couldn't resist crying out around his kiss at the pain. I could feel the tears gather in my eyes, and felt one escape and trail down the side of my face.

"Are you all right?" he whispered.

I nodded, gasping slightly, "Just give me a minute please."

His answer was a kiss. It was soft and sweet and full of love. His hands traveled up my sides and one began its sweet torment of my breast again as his tongue traced the outside of my lips, causing the fire to light within me anew. In spite of the pain I felt myself begin moving beneath him, encouraging him to move again. Which, thankfully, he did. It was still uncomfortable, but not without pleasure.

His movements started to become erratic, his own moans coming forth at the pleasure he felt. He lay his forehead on my shoulder, taking deep breaths before quickly letting loose his seed within me. He gripped me tightly in his arms, calling out, "Bella, oh my Bella," and placing kisses along my shoulder and throat. After a few more thrusts he stilled and tried to calm his breathing while he remained buried within me. Now that he wasn't at his full size it wasn't as uncomfortable, and I even sighed with missing him when he pulled out.

He rolled over to his side, leaning up on his elbow as his kisses about my face continued. "Are you all right?" he asked again in a whisper. I couldn't seem to form words, so I merely nodded. "I love you so much," he whispered into my ear, "You are my everything."

"I love you, too," I responded. He gathered me into his arms, rolled to his back and pulled me to lie with my head on his shoulder under his arm. Wrapping my arm about him, giving him a small hug as a sense of completeness and exhaustion washed over me. I placed a kiss on his chest where my head lay, closed my eyes, and drifted off to sleep.

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**Well, ladies, I do hope that was okay! Let me know!**


	12. Chapter 12 Honeymoon

**Lots of lemons here. They are on their honeymoon after all. However, this isn't going to be an 'all sex all the time' fic, because I really don't like those. They're just behaving like any couple discovering sex. Think of the bean theory: a newlywed couple (if they were virgins on their wedding night) will have sex more often in their first year of marriage than they will in all the years after. Well, unless outside forces cause things to change… **

**Oddly enough, these are still SM's characters. She hasn't given them to me yet. She is kind enough to let me play with them. **

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Chapter 12 – Honeymoon

I felt myself drifting to consciousness in the middle of my favorite dream. I was sleeping, in the buff, with a naked Bella beside me encircled in my arms. Only, this one seemed so real I fought with my conscious mind so that I might retain this feeling. It wasn't a feeling of pure physical passion or desire, although the evidence that I was also feeling that was becoming slightly painful; it was a feeling of completeness, of home.

Then my dream moved. And sighed. And took my hand and wrapped it tighter about herself while pushing her hips into my now truly uncomfortable state of arousal. That woke me up! My eyes popped open and I saw Bella, naked, curved into me as if we were two spoons nesting.

What had I done?

Did I take her virtue? Demand something of her that wasn't mine?

I jumped from the bed, shame covering me at both my nakedness and what I had done to my sweet girl. Because of my movement she awoke and turned in bed, pulling the sheet over her breasts to cover them.

"Edward, what's the matter?" she asked. I looked down to the hand that was holding the sheet. It was her left, and the engagement ring I had put there two months prior was not alone. A simple gold band had joined it. I looked down at my own hand and saw its mate. We were married! It was all right. I shook my head to dislodge the lingering doubt and smiled at the thought of her warm, inviting, and naked in the bed.

"I'm sorry, darling," I answered her. "I awoke with a start." I certainly wouldn't be telling her that I had forgotten in my dream state that we had married. But I certainly remembered it now, as did my body.

Her gaze traveled down me, blushing as she took in my evident state. She merely looked back up at me and stated, "Why don't you come back to bed then?" Who was I to deny her? I quickly crawled in next to her and gathered her into my arms, enjoying the feeling of her flesh against mine.

"Are you sore?" I asked her while placing kisses down her neck

"I'm a little sore, but I'm fine," she breathed out quietly as I continued my path downward. Not wanting to cause her pain, I decided that it would be best if I went on a journey of discovery. What made her moan? What made her sigh? I wanted to discover these things. I spent the better part of an hour touching, tasting and caressing her. I relished in the feel of her skin and the sounds she made when I reached a sensitive spot. I found that she was slightly ticklish behind her knees. She enjoyed the feeling of my lips on her breasts and my hand on her sex. I found that I enjoyed these locations as well.

I also made other discoveries. She had dimples just above the cheeks of her bottom. There was a freckle on her left shoulder blade. Her sex tasted as sweet as her mouth. Lingering there, I found she quickly came to a release before grabbing my arms to pull me up her body. "Please, Edward, I need you," she panted as she affixed her lips to mine and wrapped her legs about my hips.

"I don't want to hurt you," I hesitated.

"Now!" she cried, pushing her hips into mine. I quickly entered her, and just as quickly exited when I saw her wince. She growled in frustration at me as she pulled me back inside of her.

"Bella, I'm hurting you," I said as I tried to control myself.

"Only a little. Please, I need you," she whispered into my ear as she pulled me deeper. I was past the point of concern and gave myself over to the passion I felt, reaching my release quickly. I lay over her, propping myself up on my elbows to hold some of my weight. I couldn't roll off of her because she was still gripping me so tightly.

Her deep, panting breaths concerned me. "Are you sure you're all right, darling?" I asked her while placing kisses along her jaw.

"Yes," she panted. "Just give me a minute." I continued to kiss her softly while she relaxed beneath me. When she had finally calmed she fixed her gaze upon me and admonished, "Edward, you need to stop worrying so. It's going to hurt a little for a while, but will get better with time." A smirk came upon her visage as she continued, "Apparently, the more often we are intimate the quicker I'll get past the pain."

"Are you sure? I hate to see you hurting."

"It's also a pleasure, though," she argued. "It wasn't as bad this time as last night. I'm sure I'll adjust soon. Was there anything else you would like to do today, or should we just remain in bed?" she asked with a gleam in her eye. I was almost ready to suggest remaining in bed, but I then heard her stomach rumble. Neither of us had eaten much the day before in our excitement, and I felt hollowness in my own stomach.

"Why don't we have some breakfast, and then we could go bathing in the ocean? Perhaps look at the tide pools?" I suggested.

"That sounds nice." She hesitated, looking at me askew, "Do you know how to cook? I've never seen you attempt anything."

Hanging my head, I admitted, "No. You taught Alice, and I didn't want to interfere."

"Would you like to learn?"

"Yes, if you feel you would like me in your kitchen."

She laughed at that. "I want you wherever I am," she said with a kiss on my cheek. We got out of bed, both of us pulling on dressing robes. She was quite patient as she taught me to prepare breakfast. I enjoyed standing behind her, my arms about her with her hand guiding mine as we flipped bacon and scrambled eggs.

After breakfast we both dressed in our bathing suits. Mine was a lightweight wool shirt and pants, an off-white color with a darker placket. Bella's costume consisted of long pantaloons that tied at her waist and ankles. Above this was a short dress that barely reached her knees. It had a high neck, long sleeves, with a simple belt of a contrasting fabric about her waist. It was a light blue and the contrasting fabric was dark, and was also made from lightweight wool so it wouldn't be too heavy in the water but would provide warmth against its chill.

Bella packed us a picnic of sandwiches and fruit, which I carried out to the beach and laid on a blanket under an umbrella. Taking her hand, we ran into the surf. It was so adorable the way she stepped a foot into the chilly water, only to try to jump back out! Wanting to coax her in, I went up to her and began kissing her deeply. As our lips joined, I began walking backwards into the waves, pulling her with me. I felt her shiver a bit with the chill of the water but she followed me in willingly. It wasn't until a wave crashed over our heads, and she came up sputtering, that she realized she was in water up to her breasts.

We spent a few hours frolicking in the surf until her shivering became apparent and I noticed her lips were blue. I had also grown hungry for the food up on shore, so we went to sit there and eat. Since we were tired from our exertions we decided to take a nap, the warmth of air and the fullness of our bellies adding to our languor. I drifted off to sleep with her wrapped in my arms, a deep feeling of contentment welling up within me.

I awoke to feeling something tickling my nose. I swatted at whatever it was that was offending me, and heard a giggle. A few moments later, the tickling returned. This time I allowed it to continue for a moment before quickly grabbing her hand and pulling it to the side while rolling her onto her back. She had freed her hair from its constraints and had been using the ends of a lock to tickle my nose. I laughed with her at her little game, and then decided to play one of my own.

I hadn't shaved this morning and started to rub my stubble on her face. She screamed and squirmed beneath me as she tried to get away, her movements causing an immediate reaction in my body, resulting in me changing the activity I had thought I wanted to participate in. Holding her hands above her head to keep her in place, I continued to rub my cheek down her jaw, occasionally placing a kiss to soothe the burn I was leaving there. As I progressed down her throat her giggles changed to pants, her struggles to get away changed to wrapping her legs about me to pull me in closer. Using my free hand I began to unbutton her bathing costume, undoing the belt when I reached it, laying her bare beside me.

I was grateful for the blanket on the sand as we quickly divested each other of our clothing. We lost sense of the world around us, becoming totally engrossed in just each other and enjoying the sensations coursing through us. As we joined this time it seemed she didn't wince quite as much, and recovered from my invasion of her body much quicker. I found it also took me longer to reach my release, allowing us to enjoy the feeling of being one for a longer period of time. Because of the frantic nature of our love-making, I hadn't taken the time to help her reach her release before entering her, and apologized for not making sure she had that.

"That's all right Edward, I don't mind. I heard it's quite common for women to not have a release every time, especially when they are new to intimacy," she assured me. "I'm sure it will come with time and practice. We just need to have lots of practice," she smirked, and I quickly agreed with her. "It didn't hurt nearly as much this time," she continued, "so I think that will come when the pain is no longer there."

We decided to go in and wash the sea salt from our skin. A pump with a high spigot had been set up outside the house, surrounded by walls, allowing a person to rinse off as they stood beneath the water as it was pumped. The runoff drained to the ocean. We had quite a good time in this place, using soap to wash each other of the salt and sand. There was something very liberating about knowing that no one was within miles of us, freeing us to be open and walk about with very little clothing.

The evening was spent in preparing and eating dinner, with much instruction from Bella, then relaxing with a good book on the couch. Bella sat with her knees in my lap and I enjoyed placing my hand on her legs and rubbing her calves. I knew when she had enough reading, for her feet started to work their way from my knees toward my crotch. I tried to not react, except to trail my hand further up her skirt. Glancing over, I could see her smile at her book and throw teasing looks my way as she continued her ascent up my leg. I matched her progress with my own, parting her legs so I could cup her when she made contact with my erection.

I heard her try to stifle a moan, so I continued up her stomach to untie her knickers and pull them down. When I returned to her sex, she gave up the pretense of reading, laying her book aside and lying back to allow me better access to her. I held her knee tightly to me as I worked her nub, enjoying the sight of her as she gave way to the pleasure. Pushing up her skirts to bare her to me, I leaned over her and began to place kisses on her hips, my free hand trailing up her body to begin undoing the bodice of her dress. Thankfully, since we weren't going out in public, she had decided to not wear a corset beneath her dress, making it easier to free her of her clothes.

As soon as she achieved her release she was grabbing at my arms, pulling me to her. She made a growl of frustration when she realized I still had my clothes on. She worked so frantically at the buttons of my trousers that I was sure I lost a few. I tried to enter her slowly, giving her time to adjust as I went, and almost came undone as I felt her walls spasm around me. It was still a bit difficult for her, despite the release she was experiencing, and I deeply hoped she wouldn't feel pain every time we made love. The feel of her overwhelmed these thoughts as I continued to thrust into her. She soon began meeting me in my movements, and I could tell that this time the pain had died away completely and she was truly beginning to enjoy it.

When I achieved my release she groaned slightly. I wondered why she seemed frustrated. Remembering my father had said that all good relationships were based on communication I decided to ask her, despite the inherently embarrassing nature of the topic. I stroked down her face, between her breasts to where her bodice was pushed down and her skirts bunched up as I whispered to her, "You seem a bit frustrated, darling. Was there something you would have liked different?" Her face alit crimson at my question, and she turned her face into my shoulder to hide. I couldn't allow that, so I reached up and took hold of her chin, turning her to face me. "Please be willing to talk to me about this," I all but begged.

"I just –" then she hesitated.

"Just what, dear?"

She let out a small sigh. "I just wish it lasted longer."

"Perhaps we can work on that tomorrow?" I asked with a chuckle as I nuzzled her neck.

"Mmmhmm" she agreed. Knowing she must be uncomfortable on the couch, I arose and pulled her up.

"Why don't we get dressed for bed?" I asked, and couldn't hold in a laugh as a huge yawn overtook her.

"Oh, I'm so sorry Edward! I didn't mean to yawn at you."

"I've worn you out, it's quite all right," I assured her. After all, we were married now, surely we could admit to tiredness? I turned her and followed her into the bedroom. After changing we crawled into the soft bed, relishing in the softness of the down mattress atop the straw. I pulled the sheet over us, the night not quite cool enough for a blanket, gathered her in my arms and we both drifted quickly off to sleep.

The days of our honeymoon progressed in much the same fashion as the first. We would wake up and enjoy discovering new things about each other's bodies. If the weather was nice we'd pack a picnic and go bathing in the ocean, or for rides along the beach or down the multitude of trails surrounding the cabin. Sometimes our mornings consisted of walks amongst the tidal pools, enjoying watching the sea life that was trapped in them until the tide turned. If it was raining, we either remained lazily in bed, or arose to do some reading, but never the newspaper. Bella had requested that we leave the news of the war behind us and focus just on what we enjoyed. And what we enjoyed was each other.

About four days had passed when I noticed that Bella no longer had any discomfort during our love making. When I mentioned this to her, she agreed that it was true. I also found that with practice our intimacy lasted longer. We had been married for a couple weeks when I realized that she had achieved a second release for the first time during our love making.

We not only left the news behind, but also people. We only saw the maid and butler every three or four days when they came to restock the ice-box and that was only if we happened to be home. Bella insisted that on the days they were expected that we couldn't be making love on the beach, even though I knew it was secluded. I fully understood her embarrassment, though, and tried to always have us decently attired when they arrived.

Three weeks after our wedding, Bella began her time of the month. I was unaware of when she expected it, and was admittedly a little disappointed that it came since it meant that no child had begun to grow within her. Bella, however, was pleased. "Imagine the talk if we had a child too soon," she explained. "I can just see Jessica, Lauren, and their mothers counting the months on their fingers to see if the child was legitimate." A look of pure horror crossed her face, "What if the child came early? They would think us unchaste."

"Well, that doesn't seem to be a worry, so let's not fret," I said, trying to hide my disappointment. "I'm sure a child will come soon enough, and we will pray that it's not early to keep your reputation intact."

She seemed to sense my feelings in spite of me trying to hide them. "I'm sure we will have a child Edward," she said as she stroked my cheek, "let's enjoy our time until then, shall we?" I vowed to her that we would. After all, we only had a week left before we were expected to make our way back to our new home and the responsibilities that awaited us there.

With the vow to make the most of our time in place, we set out on hikes and swims and rides with much more abandon. At first I tried to hold her back due to her condition. She balked at this, saying, "Edward, have you ever known when my time was in the past?" When I shook my head negatively, she continued, "That's because I've never allowed it to slow me down. I'm one of those lucky women who don't suffer much from her time, so please don't coddle me. Although it does make me worry; if you're this concerned with my monthly time, what on earth will you be like when I'm actually pregnant?"

I wrapped my arms about her and kissed her below her ear, whispering, "I will cherish and protect you."

"I do hope that means you won't hover and over-react to normal activity," she stated in quite a firm voice

"Of course it does, darling," I exclaimed. "You'll be carrying precious cargo so I must take good care of you."

She wriggled out of my arms with a groan, "Oh Edward, please don't."

"How about if I promise to try?" I asked.

She gave me a peck on the cheek while taking my hand to lead me on the trail for our walk, "I suppose that's all I can ask." I simply smiled down on her as we walked, loving her and hoping for the time when I could be the doting husband of a pregnant wife.

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**A/N - Aren't they just too sweet? I actually had a friend tell me that he had Edward's reaction the morning after his wedding. I thought that was so funny, and just something this Edward would do.**

**Much love and thanks go to Stavanger1 and whenpoetryrises for being so wonderful and helping me with this story. You would all be suffering from comma abuse and run-on sentences if it wasn't for them.**

**Oh, and for those interested, I finally found the link to Bella's wedding dress. I have it posted over in my thread for this story on Twilighted, in the Alternate Universe-Human forum.**

**Thanks also to all my lovely reviewers! Even the unsigned ones. I can't tell you how much they make me smile. So please, make my day!**


	13. Chapter 13 Changes

**Many thanks to my wonderful betas, Stavanger1 and whenpoetryrises, without their help you would all be suffering through interminable run-on sentences worse than this one.**

**Very happy note: see below!**

**Characters still belong to SM, and I love them dearly.**

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Chapter 13 – Changes

Returning from our honeymoon was like walking from heaven to reality. Alice had been wonderful enough to fill our pantry and ice-box the day before our expected arrival. She even went so far as to have some food in the warming oven that couldn't have been there very long. I found a note from her on the dining room table which I read to Edward.

_My beloved brother and now sister,_

_Welcome home! I'm quite excited to see the both of you, but Ma insists that you need time alone in your new home. Posh, as if you didn't have an entire month alone. But I'll relent and be by in the morning to welcome you properly. _

_Bella, Rosalie and I have been busy preserving food. Please don't feel at all poorly that you weren't here to help. I've offered some of the food to her as thanks for her assistance, for which she was very grateful. Only the pumpkins remain in the garden, and since no one makes pumpkin butter like you do, we decided they could remain there pending your return. I have stockpiled sugar in the pantry for this very purpose. The price seems to be going up, owing to the shortage caused by the war, so I felt it best to lay in as much as possible before it was no longer available. You'll find the peach trees are almost picked clean and some of the apples have been harvested. Mrs. Stanley actually gave up her applesauce recipe and we gave it a mean attempt. It's not quite as good as hers, but we found it acceptable._

_Much has happened in regards to the war, but I will not bore you with the tiresome details. I'm sure you'll be caught up soon enough. Suffice it to say that neither side seems to be winning but both sides are most definitely losing as the casualty rate is climbing._

_I have prepared a small repast and placed it in the oven with a low fire beside it. I do hope the meat doesn't dry out too much and that it is still edible when you return. That of course assumes it was edible when I made it; my skills in the kitchen have yet to approach yours, dearest Bella._

_I do hope the house is to your liking. Ma and I finished with the bed linens this morning so they would be fresh for you. There is wood laid in all the stoves, as the nights have begun to be chilly, with matches set on the mantles for your use. I closed the windows when the storm came this afternoon, so I hope it isn't too stuffy. _

_There isn't much else to tell you, seeing as how your wedding is still the talk of the town. I do so look forward to seeing you. I promised Ma that I wouldn't bother you before ten in the morning to allow you to sleep. However it is Saturday tomorrow so we will have the rest of the day to catch up. _

_Your loving sister,_

_Alice_

Edward and I laughed our way through her letter. It was just like having her here before us. She did so love to run on. I couldn't imagine what else she could possibly let us know in the morning, but I would worry about it then. We had taken a leisurely journey from the cabin. It had taken us only three hours to reach it on our wedding night, but Edward had only hitched two of the horses to pull the carriage, with the rest trailing behind, so our return journey required seven. Of course, we had to stop the horses frequently to rest them and took advantage of those times to express our love to each other. As we approached civilization Edward determined that it would be better to get the horses to pasture than to rest them more. Personally, I think he just wanted to be fed.

We quickly consumed part of the food Alice had prepared. I really don't know how many people she was expecting to have arrived at our house. The amount of food could easily feed us for a week. Of course, knowing Alice, that might have been her plan all along.

As Edward went out to tend to the horses, I wandered about my new home. I had been here to hang curtains and the like, but now all the furniture was in, all the draperies were hung, and there was even a vase full of flowers on the piano in the music room. It had gone from being a house to being a home. It was warm upstairs, so I threw open the windows to allow a breeze to blow through. I noticed immediately that Edward had designed the home so that when the windows and bedroom doors were open the breeze was not hindered, but continued unabated, cooling the floor. Even though it was now the middle of September, it was a warm fall.

Carried on the breeze was the smell of ripening apples and smokehouses working to preserve the fish that had been caught. The pungent odors smelled of plenty and security. As I stood at the window of my bedroom I could see Edward turning out the horses to pasture. They had been rubbed down and curried, causing him to build up a sweat. He had discarded his coat and his shirt clung to his shoulders as he worked. I found myself quite enjoying the view, as well as remembering the feel of the play of his muscles under his skin.

He glanced up from where he was working and saw me standing there. He stopped what he was doing and held my gaze for a moment. Then he winked, quite likely knowing what I was thinking about, and hurried up his chores. I rushed down the stairs, pulling some ice from the ice-box and pumping some water so that he could have a cool drink when he returned. I had just finished when I heard him come in the back door of the kitchen.

"Oh, Bella, thank you," he said as he took the water from me. I watched him as he quaffed it, his Adam's apple moving as he swallowed. I could see a line of sweat run down from his brow and went to the sink to wet a cloth for him. He sat at one of the chairs around the preparation table and reached for me. I sat in his lap and began to wipe the cloth over his face to cool him as he closed his eyes and lifted his chin to give me better access. "Hmm," he moaned as I wiped the sweat from his brow, "that is quite nice." His eyes took on that gleam that I had learned so well over the past month, "But, I think I would be cooler if I was undressed, don't you?"

"Considering the exertions you are hinting at, I don't think that would be the case," I laughed. "However, I'm willing to give it a go." He chased me up the stairs where, thanks to the breeze blowing, it was noticeably cooler. We quickly divested each other of our clothes and fell to christening our bed.

I awoke, as I had for a month now, without a stitch on. I think Edward preferred it that way. His pocket watch lay on his bedside table, and as I could see bright sunshine filtering in through the curtains, I thought it best to check the time lest Alice burst in on us in our present state. My movement woke Edward, and seeing what I was reaching for, he grabbed it. "We only have twenty minutes before the tornado arrives," he groaned. "I suppose that means our usual morning activity will have to be curtailed?"

"Sadly, I think you're right. I suppose it's time to return to reality."

He sighed deeply and gave me a lingering kiss. I could feel that he wasn't really quite ready to leave my side. "Perhaps if we hurry?" I asked with a grin.

"You won't have time to reach your release, though," he said concerned.

"I'll be all right. Just be sure to take care of me later. I don't think your sister would appreciate your present state were she to see it," I giggled. He groaned, but moved over me with haste. I was quite ready for him, as my body had gotten quite used to this schedule and was as desirous of keeping it as he was.

It was only a few moments after we finished that I could hear Alice coming across the yard. She was humming loudly, announcing her arrival, just as she used to do when others would come near during dances to allow us time to separate from our stolen kisses. Edward and I looked at each other and laughed. "She really is too good to us, isn't she?" he asked.

"I fear what the pay-back may be one day!" I laughed as I jumped from the bed. I went to the water closet and pumped some water into the wash basin to clean up. Edward called down the stairs to Alice's knock for her to come in, and that we would be down in a moment. Edward washed up in the water I left in the basin while I dressed in my working clothes and hurried down the stairs to grab Alice in a hug. Oh, how I had missed her!

"Bella, you're squeezing the stuffing out of me!" she cried, but held to me just as tightly. We released when we heard Edward coming down the stairs, and she ran to greet her brother. "You look quite well, brother dear. Marriage is good to you, apparently."

Edward came to my side and placed an arm about my waist. "That it is, Alice. That it is." He sighed and stretched, "Was there something we needed to do today?" he asked her.

"Well," she answered, "the apples need picking and putting up." Turning to me she continued, "Why don't we have Edward pick? I can show you Mrs. Stanley's recipe, I'm sure you'll do better by it than Rose and I did. We can also make some pies for the ladies auxiliary luncheon tomorrow. I know mother would appreciate the help, and seeing as how you're now married, you'll have to help serve!" she said with an impish grin. I just moaned. I forgot that my time of socializing with my peers was over and the responsibilities of being a matron were now upon me. At least I had Alice's help.

Edward gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and headed out to the orchard that spanned across his parent's property and our own. We were thankful to have mature cherry, peach, nectarine, apple and plum trees but with that plenty came the work of preserving the fruit. It was hard, but enjoyable work, and a nice way to set aside the carefree days of our honeymoon and re-enter the everyday duties of our lives.

Before long, Emmett joined Edward in picking and bringing in the bushels while Rose joined Alice and me in the kitchen. We had thrown open the windows and doors, but it was still quite warm. I made up the filling for the pies, but the heat had softened the lard too much to make the crusts so they would have to wait till morning. The peels from the apples were boiled separately to extract the pectin. This would also be preserved for use in making jam with the spring berries.

Partway through the day Alice ran to her house to fetch something for us all to eat, delivering it first to the boys and then to us. It made for a nice break, but we quickly went back to work. It wouldn't do to let the fruit spoil, especially in these times when we couldn't count on anything arriving from the warm states in the winter months, thanks to the blockade.

It was quite late when we collapsed into bed exhausted. Edward started to kiss me, but was asleep before our lovemaking progressed very far. Considering how sore and tired I was from the day, I certainly didn't mind. Wrapped in his arms, I fell into a contented slumber.

I awoke in the morning to Edward nuzzling my neck and caressing my breasts. When he realized I was awake he whispered, "You, Mrs. Masen, have far too many clothes on." I giggled and helped him remove my chemise and his nightshirt. Our lovemaking was quick, for we needed to get up and prepare for the Sabbath. Edward drew us a cool bath, and pulled me into it with him. It reminded me of the spigot we had so often enjoyed outside of the cabin and I only wished I had time to soak in the tub with him. But the pies needed making, our Sunday clothes needed pressing, and we needed to head to church. So with just a little lightheartedness we set to our morning oblations.

When we arrived, I saw that my father was already there and I ran to greet him with a hug. I was pleased to see how well he was doing and asked why he hadn't come by the day before.

"And be roped into picking fruit for you ladies? I figured I'd rather wait," he answered. "Besides, you would be too busy to spend any time visiting with, now we can relax together after the luncheon."

It was, altogether, a pleasant day. It seemed unusual to me to be included amongst the married ladies helping with the luncheon but they made me feel quite welcome. I could see that Edward was a bit uncomfortable with the men as they sat and discussed the war, frequently glancing in my direction. I knew he felt as I did, that we both wanted to go back to our home and each other's arms, but that would be unseemly so we remained.

Alice was still the socialite, bemusing the boys who came to dote on her with her sense of humor and quick wit. From time to time Edward would glare in the direction of a boy who became too forward, but his father patted his hand and whispered something to him causing him to turn his attention back to the men.

I was surprised to find that the ladies auxiliary had begun sewing bandages to send to the war effort, as well as clothing for the soldiers. "I've heard a regiment will be forming," Mrs. Stanley reported and turned to me, "I assume Edward will be joining?"

With a heavy heart I answered in the affirmative. "Yes, I'm afraid he will."

"Surely you don't expect him to remain behind when he is needed?" she chided.

Thankfully, mother Masen stepped in. "She's a newlywed. Talk of her husband leaving would make any newly married girl sad. Now, I understand Bella has been quite successful with your applesauce recipe, Mrs. Stanley," she commented. I was quite grateful for the change in topic and pursued talk of preserving food and substitutes for sugar that could be used. It was a long day, and more tiring than the labor of the previous day had been.

Monday morning found Edward dressed to accompany his father to court. He left me with a kiss, eager to try this new adventure. Alice still had school as she was in her last year, but Rose came over and we spent the day pleasantly as we fell back to the labors of Saturday. I was pleased to learn that Emmett had finally earned enough to build their home, and construction would begin that evening. We made sure to prepare enough to take to those who would labor on it. I knew one of them would be a very willing Edward, considering all that Emmett had done for us.

The days whiled away in the same manner, with Edward going to work and Alice to school, leaving Rose and I to finish putting up the food and prepare the things for her home. We also knitted socks and scarves for the soldiers and worked on presents for our loved ones. Because of the blockade there was very little cotton to be had, and _that _quite expensive, so we used linen and wool to make clothing. One of the pieces I was preparing was something I dreaded finishing: a regimental coat for Edward. Recruitment had begun in October, with mustering expected in the spring. Emmett was also set to join up, and Rose and I despaired over our men.

I was making another article as a gift for Edward, one that brought me great joy; a pair of baby booties. In the next month after my fear for Edward had begun, my joy was made full when I realized I was with child. I was due in June, a full ten months from our wedding, so I hoped I wouldn't be early. We celebrated Rose and Emmett's nuptials the same month, and she confessed to me that she had grown concerned that she had yet to conceive a child. I prayed with her that one would come quickly.

The completion of the McCarty's home brought free evenings. Edward and I replaced our discussions of literature with discussions regarding law. I found that I enjoyed it as much as he did, and he frequently told me that he enjoyed hearing my perspective, as it gave him another view he hadn't previously considered. We soon developed a competition over who could find the most loopholes in a poorly written law, as well as what wording would fix them without causing more grief. Many a debate raged with laughter and camaraderie when the McCarty's and Alice joined in these discussions.

Christmas was a solemn affair, with parties kept to a minimum. It was the first time I could remember when there wasn't an orange to be had for the stockings. There was also a shortage of nuts, what few we had coming from California, as most were being sent to the soldiers fighting the war. Edward was grateful for his new coat, and did strike a dashing figure in it, even if it did draw tears to my eyes. The moment I will always remember, however, was when he opened the small box containing the booties.

He looked on me in wonder and amazement, whispering, "Does this mean what I believe it does?" I nodded and he grabbed me into his arms, kissing me soundly. Then just as quickly put me away, saying with concern, "I haven't hurt you, have I?"

Our parents laughed at Edward and my father interjected, "I understand how you feel, Edward, but I'll give you a warning. If Bella is at all like her mother, wait until she asks for help. She'll become snippy if you coddle her too much."

This became useful advice that night when I snuggled up to him. "Bella, we can't!" he complained, "What if it hurts the baby?"

"It didn't do any harm the other night," I reminded him, "and I'm far enough along to feel safe in the pregnancy. I think if we're careful then all will be well." And careful he was, as well as passionate and full of love. Tears came to my eyes when he placed a kiss low on my stomach, where a slight bulge had started to form.

"My child," he whispered. "How I long to hold you in my arms. Until then I'll just hold your mother, but know I'm thinking of you as well."

The New Year was welcomed as the last had been, quietly and with hope of resolution. Skirmishes between the north and south continued, however, and on the 27th of January President Lincoln issued a war order authorizing the Union to begin aggressive action against the Confederacy. It was now official. The country was truly at war.

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**Happy news first: Roselover2 has found this little fic worthy enough for her lovely blog, and interviewed me. You can read it at www(dot)sytycw(dot)com. You'll learn truly important things like the fact that my name is Ann and that I am in need of a pressure canner. I had wanted one for my birthday, but my silly husband got me opals instead. He has a thing for jewelry. Not sure if I'm bragging or complaining here. Anyway, go read her blog!**

**Before you do that, however, click on that little button below and leave me a review! I reply to all of them!  
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	14. Chapter 14 Leaving

**The only thing SM and I have in common is knowing my sister-in-law. Something I just found out last night (my sil - "Oh, I know her, we hung out one summer in college." me - "_WHAT_?"). How she kept this from me for so long, I have no idea. I will be stalking. My sister-in-law, not SM.**

**My eternal love to Stavanger1 and whenpoetryrises. Two women I truly adore.**

**Warning to all reading, have a box of tissues handy.**

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Chapter 14 – Leaving

As the weather warmed I began my preparations for joining my regiment. I had spent the winter gathering the supplies I would need. A rifle and handgun with ammunition, knives, blankets, and clothing for summer and winter that fit with my regiment were packed. I also prepared myself to say goodbye to my wife. As my duffle grew with items, so also did Bella with her pregnancy. I spent my evenings with my arms about her, feeling our child move within.

She was usually tired by the end of the day, spending much of it preparing and drying venison that Jacob had caught and brought to us to make it lightweight for travel. She and Alice also spent time making endless supplies of bandages, blankets and scarves that were sent to the army. I could tell the weight of the child was wearing on her, as she frequently would stand with her hand on the small of her back, but she never complained. Instead she glowed.

My muster date was the 21st of March, just about two months before she was due. I spoke with concern to my mother and Alice about this, and it was decided that Alice would move into our home when I left it to keep an eye on her. To that end Alice was over frequently, decorating what would be her room and moving in her things. When she tired of that she moved on to the nursery. Both girls spent much of their spare time making dresses and diapers for the baby. Whether it was a girl or boy, it would be clothed in dresses until the age of five. It was easier this way; easier to change the diaper, and no need for different clothes for future children. I only hoped there _would_ be more children.

The house was always a flurry of activity between preparing for my muster and the child's birth. So much so that Bella and I frequently fell into bed exhausted at the end of the day. This also severely cut into our times of intimacy. This was probably just as well. Even though Bella insisted the child was fine, I was always concerned. Besides having a child in my arms to hold, I was looking forward to the birth simply so I could make love to my wife with the wild abandon I had during our honeymoon.

Alice noticed me watching Bella one day as we labored together to clear the remnants of last years garden at the beginning of March. "What is it?" she whispered, "What has you in such a somber mood?"

"I'm leaving her, Alice. When she needs me most, I'll be gone," I whispered despondently. "I know what I'm off to do is the right thing. I know staying with her is the right thing. I'm so torn about whether or not I've made the right decision I feel my insides twist. What if I've chosen poorly?"

She came and wrapped her small arms about me, giving me a comforting hug. "Edward, the hard decisions in life aren't between right and wrong, but between right and right. Both choices have merit and are honorable. You must simply make yours and trust yourself. You have signed your name to join the company, now you must have the integrity to see this through regardless of your other desires. Bella understands this."

"I know." I hesitated, not really wanting to say what was on my mind. Alice simply waited for me, resting her head against my chest, continuing to keep her arms about me as we both watched Bella laugh with my mother over the antics of the young gelding I had purchased to carry me to battle. I wanted to leave my faithful, and now docile, Manitou for Bella. I could trust him to be careful with her as she rode. Finally knowing I must speak my fears I whispered, "What if I don't come back?"

Alice was quiet for a few minutes, silently considering my question. I felt some wetness against my shirt and looked down to see her with tears in her eyes. I almost spoke, but she began first. "Then you don't come back. You've provided for her and your child." Pulling herself away from me she regarded me with a look. The look was fear and sadness, intermingled with hope.

The time for my departure came rapidly. We spent the day before in the company of our families. Chief Billy and Jacob came down to see me off. Their tribe was friendly with the Nez Perce, and it was the directive of my company to help defend those tribes loyal to the union. During the day I pulled Jacob aside and begged him to watch over Bella. He reassured me saying, "You know of my feelings towards her, Edward. She is a part of my family as much as my own father. The chief has asked that I stay with Charlie, under the guise of solidifying relations." He snorted a laugh at that, "Like that is needed." He then paused and looked over to the girl we both loved, albeit in different ways. "I vow to protect her." His gaze returned to mine, "You must vow to protect her as well by returning."

I took his hand and promised, "I swear to try."

That night I noticed that Bella was fighting tears as we climbed into bed. I rolled her to her back and leaned over her to capture her lips with my own. Sidling up next to her, I whispered my love for her as I kissed down her throat. My hands preceded my lips, undoing her chemise and enjoying the fullness in her breasts brought by her pregnancy. As my lips hovered there I could feel the small sobs she was fighting. My hands continued down to grab at the hem of her chemise and gently lift it over her head, my lips breaking contact only long enough to push the material past.

After removing the garment she wound her fingers in my hair and pulled me back to her lips. The kiss was slow and full of the love we felt for each other, as well as the sorrow that we were to be parted. The taste of her was tainted with the salt of her tears. I wrapped one hand in her hair while the other trailed down her body, touching, stroking, and loving every inch of her, pausing to feel my child move and roll in her stomach. I let out a laugh around her lips when I felt a small foot kick at me and was happy to hear Bella give a laugh through her tears as well.

Moving from her stomach I continued my journey down to her sex. I heard her moan as I began to work on her, wanting to bring her pleasure this one last time. It wasn't long before her moans turned to groans and I felt her spasm in her release, her hands gripping my arms as she cried out my name.

I brought her with me as I rolled to my back, and let out a moan of my own as I felt her take me within herself. With her pregnancy this was the only position that was truly comfortable for her, and it allowed her to control the penetration to protect the child. Our gazes locked, filled with love, as she moved above me and I met her stroke for stroke. I feared that this might be the last time I would be able to make love to my wife before we were reunited before the bar of God.

I made sure to hold back my release until I felt her reach hers a second time. Tears streamed from both of our eyes when it finally came. I helped her lay on her side and wrapped my body behind hers, encircling her with all I had. She raised the arm beneath her and put it under her pillow, which was under her head, and I snaked my own beside hers, grasping her hand in mine as we both drifted off to sleep.

I awoke before the dawn, still wrapped about her, her hand still encased in my own. I merely lay there, watching her sleep as the sun rose in the sky. The time to be up and about would come soon enough. For now I could center my existence on her. As the room lightened, I could make out the tearstains on her cheeks, and the moisture on her eyelashes. She had continued crying during the night, and even now cried out softly and shed a tear over something in her dream.

My other hand was on her stomach and I could feel the baby moving. I didn't want her to awaken yet so I slowly pulled my hand from her grasp and unwound myself from her body. Sliding down I rested my cheek over the child and began to hum. I had taken to doing this on nights when its movements kept Bella awake and it always worked to still the child, as if it could hear me hum a lullaby. I felt moisture pool in my own eyes again as thoughts of holding this child in my arms intruded and the hope to be able to sing to it after its birth arose.

As the child stilled and my song ended I could feel Bella twining her hands in my hair. Kissing her belly I whispered, "Good morning."

"No," she whispered back, "it isn't good. But it is morning and you need to be off. You have a long journey ahead of you."

Walla Walla was almost three hundred miles away, and I would have to cross a mountain range to get there. I was to report in a week's time and this was the last possible day I could leave and still make my commitment.

Sighing, I scooted up the bed to place a kiss on her lips, enjoying the sight of her naked body, swollen with pregnancy, once last time. With one last, lingering kiss I sighed again and forced myself away from her. I then helped her arise, the child really throwing off her balance, and got myself dressed. Bella went to the kitchen to prepare my last breakfast at home while I went out to saddle my new horse.

He was skittish this morning, as if he knew we were going on a journey. Manitou whinnied to me, and I took a moment to curry him one last time. "Be gentle when she rides you," I spoke to him in a soothing voice. "Keep her on your back, don't ever let her fall." He seemed to understand me as he laid his head on my shoulder in a comfortable stance. I broke from him and packed my saddlebags onto the gelding, sliding my rifle into the holder on the saddle. I led him from the stable and wrapped his reins around the hitching post near the front of the house.

I went inside for one last time, sitting at the table to eat with Bella. We talked of inconsequential things, the weather, her hopes that there wouldn't be any storms in the mountains, and that Alice had moved most of her things in. She told me she was aware of the ruse of Jacob staying with her father, and with a sad smile thanked me for loving her. With that I rose quickly and gathered her in my arms, feeling her fight the sobs that threatened to take over her body. We just stood there, not talking, with me stroking her hair and humming the lullaby I had voiced that morning to our child.

A while later, and yet all too soon, I heard a tentative knock on the door. My family had come to see me off and to support Bella. Taking her hand, we walked to the front of the house and out to where they, as well as others from the town, had gathered. I was surprised and pleased to see Emmett and Rose there next to Charlie and Jacob. My mother was also crying, and I went to her first.

"None of that, now," I whispered to her as I hugged her. "I can't have all the women in my life crying over me."

"I know, dear, I know. Please be careful," she whispered back.

"I will."

My father was next. He was trying valiantly to put on a face of pride and strength, but I could see the worry in his eyes as well. We were silent as he hugged me, patting my back. No words were needed; all had been discussed during my preparations. He had my will and would ensure it was enforced if it was ever required.

When he let me go, Alice rushed in to take his place. "Please take care of her," I begged.

"You know you can rely on me. I won't let her out of my sight. Well, except for school, but that's almost done," she laughed. "You take care of _you_," she admonished. I just chuckled and kissed her cheek.

Charlie approached me next, followed by Jacob and then Emmett. All wished me God-speed and safety. Rosalie surprised me by hugging me as well. "If you get killed I'm going to be very put out with you!" she whispered emphatically in my ear. I moved down the line that had formed as I wished friends and acquaintances good-bye.

When I was done I went quickly to my horse and mounted, my eyes falling again on Bella. She stood there stoically; there were no more tears. I rode up beside her and she placed her hand on my leg. Speaking up to me she said, "Come back to me."

"Take care of my heart, I'm leaving it here with you," I responded as I leaned over in the saddle to capture her lips. I had to taste of her one last time. I couldn't let her go. The hand not resting on my leg came up and gripped my neck, pulling me in. I felt as her tongue traced along my bottom lip and I opened to her, relishing in her flavor, locking it into my mind and heart.

I felt her square her shoulders, slow her kiss and pull away. I opened my eyes to see resolution in hers. We once again whispered our love to each other and I arose in my saddle as she backed away, allowing Alice to wrap her arms about her. I turned my horse and took off down the hill at a gallop. If I didn't break away quickly, I would never go. When I reached the edge of town I turned and looked back up the hill. She was standing on the top of it, alone, watching me leave her. I raised my hand in a wave, and a moment later saw her do the same. I turned again and took off toward the Cascade Mountains.

After a while I slowed the horse to a ground-eating canter that wouldn't tire him. He barely noticed the change in elevation as we began our climb, his pace continuing in spite of it. Eventually, however, I had to rein him in to spare him for the journey. Since he was young, it seemed his energy was endless, but in reality he had yet to develop endurance. I was certain he would learn that, being part of the cavalry.

I made Snoqualmie Pass by the first night and was glad to be able to stay with some miners in the area. A ferry took me over Lake Keechelus, and I continued my journey down the Cascades on the Indian trail there. I knew to be careful on the eastern side, for relations were not good with those tribes. They were unhappy about being forced to sign treaties and being placed on reservations. I had trouble not agreeing with them, and wondered how long the peace would hold with Jacob's people. I hoped the Indian Wars wouldn't extend that far.

It took me another three days to reach the fertile Yakima valley. There was a trading station there for those who were heading to Seattle. At dinner I sat with a family planning on settling in Seattle; they had over-wintered at the mission. The couple was only slightly older than Bella and me, and the mother had a babe in her arms. I told them of the impending arrival of my own child and was thrilled when I was allowed to hold their little one. It was a small boy, only six months old, born on the trail. He cooed and smiled at me and all I could think was that this child might see mine before I did. _Would they be friends?_ I wondered. I asked the child's father if he would be willing to deliver a letter to my wife, and he quickly agreed. Excusing myself, I went to a quiet place to write.

_My Dearest Bella,_

_I am in Yakima, and tomorrow will reach the fort. I don't know how often I will be able to write to you, and have met this family heading in the direction that my heart lays. They have agreed to carry this missive with them, for which I am grateful._

_It has been cold on the journey but not as cold as my heart. It will only warm again when my eyes are once again upon you. Even though it has been only a handful of days since I took my leave of you I can't but wish to be by your side again. Alas, I know my duty, and follow it even while wishing it was otherwise. Please forgive me for leaving you, especially as your time draws near. Know that what I go to do I do for you and our child. I want to secure peace and protection for you. It is my most sacred duty before God to ensure your welfare, even if it draws me from your company._

_I will write again as I am able. Know of my continuing love for you. I must close this quickly as I must arise early in the morning and the time is late. Give my love to the rest of the family and let them know of my safe arrival, I pray you._

_Your most adoring husband, _

_Edward_

I sealed the note and handed it off to the family with my thanks before retiring to bed.

The next day found me at the fort, surrounded by new recruits. It was then I learned of our mission. We wouldn't be participating in the war that was tearing our country apart, but ensuring the safety of those migrating to the west. While I understood the value of this, it was not what I wanted. What I desired above all was for my child to grow up in a united country. I would follow my orders, but within days of my arrival asked to be transferred to the Army of the Potomac. General McClellen had recently been relieved of command of the Union forces and reassigned to this regiment. Thinking him a careful and thoughtful leader, I felt I could trust his judgment. My commander understood my desire to fight in the east, and submitted my request. I had no idea of how long it would be until my transfer, and assured him that I would be loyal until the time of my departure came.

I only hoped Bella could forgive me.

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**A quick note: I will be posting my entry for the Darkward contest today. It is way out of my comfort zone, so please be kind. Also, there is so much citrus in it that if you print it out and squeeze the paper, you might get enough juice to feed your family. **

**I want to say welcome to all my new readers! I do hope you all review! **


	15. Chapter 15 Letters

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters, the plotline belongs to me.**

**Endless love for my betas, Stavanger1 and whenpoetryrises for making this chapter all pretty.**

**These are only a few of the letters written. It wasn't uncommon to receive many, dated weeks apart, at the same time. There is sometimes a few months between the letters, but that doesn't mean they weren't writing. I'm only including the ones pertinent to the story. ;-)**

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Chapter 15 – Letters

April 20, 1862

My Dearest Darling,

It was a month from the time you wrote your letter until it arrived in my hands. Apparently both Yakima and Snoqualmie passes were snowed under for several weeks after you left the company of those with whom you entrusted it. I was delighted to hear from them of your well-being and am assured that you in all probability reached the fort in safety.

Alice is well and truly settled in our home. She is such a joy to have. Whenever I become morose with missing you she begins to tell me stories of your youth. Oh how I laughed at your mishap at the main line of the sewer in Chicago! I can't believe you never told me of that escapade! Did you really try to follow the length of it and get lost under Lake Michigan? I can almost imagine the panicked look on your face when you ran into the water from the lake. I'm just glad it hadn't been opened for use yet.

Alice and I have tilled the garden area and planted the peas and greens. I almost put in a row of radishes for you, but then remembered you wouldn't be here to eat them. I didn't want them going to waste, so I refrained and planted turnips instead. I've had such a craving for them! Alice laughed at me and pointed out that my cravings will be gone by the time they ripen enough to eat, but I didn't listen.

I've begun to have small contractions. Mother Masen told me it was simply my body preparing, and not to worry. Apparently the same thing happened two months prior with both of her pregnancies. They are not uncomfortable, just surprising when they happen. Alice loves to feel them. The baby misses you. It is very restless at night now, as if awaiting the sound of your voice to sing it to sleep. I miss you as well.

I see Jacob every few days on some imagined errand from my father. I'm sure it is only to check on my welfare, but he always makes up some small thing to make it seem legitimate. One day he came to return a small jam jar. Just the one. When I started laughing Jacob just shrugged and went to check on the horses and garden. He also asked if there was anything that needed doing around the house. One day Emmett came by at the same time. It was like a competition between them on who could be the most helpful. Alice, Rosalie and I had a good laugh at their expense. I tell you this so you will not worry about me. I assure you I am well taken care of. The only thing I lack is you.

I must close this now as it is time to leave for church. I seem to always be in charge of pies now, as much is made of my crusts. Please keep yourself well. Look to your health.

With much love,

Bella

May 4, 1862

My loving wife,

I also long for you. I do not relish the idea of Alice giving away all my shenanigans of youth, however. But if they bring a smile to your face, she is allowed to tell on. Only be sure to ask her about her part in that particular story. Something about a dare? I think you will find it humorous.

The days are long and boring. Most of our time is spent in the saddle going from encampment to encampment, checking on their welfare. We have yet to engage the Shoshones, and for this we are grateful. I must admit to having difficulty in fighting with men who are only trying to preserve their own lands. I find it hard to believe it has been six weeks since I've gazed upon your face. I've seen beautiful country, hard and weary men, and more dust than I knew existed in the world, but when I close my eyes it is only you that I dream about.

Word has reached us of the war. The reports of the Battle for Shiloh have been frightening. Of the 63,000 troops on the Union side, 13,000 have been slain. There is a report that the Confederates lost 11,000 of their 40,000 at the battle, but since we don't know where this information is coming from, we have no knowledge of its veracity. One thing we do know for a surety is that conscription has begun in the south. Their losses must be more than they could afford.

General McClellan is currently leading battles in the peninsula of Virginia. However, at this point all reports indicate it to be a draw as to who is winning. We pray for his success.

There is not much to tell of what I do here. My horse has grown in stamina and speed, which I assume is due to our long rides. At first he tired after a few hours of galloping, but now can go almost all day.

Be safe, my darling. Know that, no matter where I may go, you are in my heart. Life is robbed of half its pleasures when your smile cannot be seen, nor your voice heard. But my dearest wife, I think of you as the dearest object on earth and no matter the distance that will always remain.

Your devoted husband,

Edward

June 1, 1862

My Darling,

Life has progressed here as expected. Alice was quite put out with you in reminding her of the dare in regards to the main sewer line and refused to elaborate, so I will rely on you to enlighten me. Just yesterday when Jacob was by repairing the corral (one of the horses kicked out a brace in high spirits), she made mention of how nice it was to have a man about. I asked her if she had gotten sweet on Jacob and received the most withering look! "No, I just thought it would be nice to have one here permanently again. Sing heigh-ho for a husband!" I laughed so hard that I got a stitch in my side.

Unfortunately, Mrs. Stanley was by to visit your mother and heard us laughing in the yard. She felt it was incumbent upon her to chastise us for our frivolity. "Young ladies, especially matrons, should act with more decorum," she chided. I must say, there was little decorum between Alice and me once she had left.

It is drawing closer to my time, and I feel as large as the house. At times I look upon myself and wonder if I will continue to fit through the doorway! I tire more easily now, and so Alice is once again a God-send. The other day I was afflicted with a head-ache on account of the heat, and she kept my brow cool with wet cloths and tended to all the chores. She wouldn't let me up and about to do anything! I felt embarrassed to burden her so, but was so grateful all the same.

It is Sunday once again, but I have been relieved of my duties to the auxiliary due to my condition. The ladies are very accommodating, insisting I rest and coming over to care for me. Neither Alice nor I have cooked much due to their kindnesses. They have been sending their children to help tend the garden as well. I must admit to feeling quite lazy and pampered!

I worry that you have not required anything. I keep expecting to hear from you that there is some small thing that you need sent. Please do not hesitate to ask and I will do my utmost to procure it and send it on to you.

You have heard more from the war than we have. We knew of the campaign on the peninsula, but not the severity of the losses. We recently learned about Stonewall Jackson's win in the Shenandoah Valley, and that the Union had to retreat to protect the capital of D. C. Just this morning the paper reported that General Lee has taken over command of the Army of Northern Virginia. Word is that this West Point graduate is quite skilled, and I fear he may be able to affect a win for the Confederacy.

My dear, I hope you will rest contented and be fully assured that I will remain yours. Fare well.

Your loving wife,

Bella

June 25, 1862

Dearest brother,

I am addressing you to inform you of the birth of your daughter the day before your birthday. Yes, Edward, you have a daughter. She will be christened as Vanessa Winifred Masen on Sabbath next. Your child is healthy and well, with strong lungs and heart. Jacob is quite taken with her, and has given her the nickname of Nessie.

Bella is recovering. The birth was not easy on her and for a time we feared for her. The labor progressed much longer than expected. We were all grateful to Jacob, who had sent for a woman from his tribe, whose Christian name is Rachel, to assist in the birth. Some say she caused the difficulty, but I will tell you she saved your wife's life. Her waters wouldn't break, and Rachel, using a stick she had Jacob harden in the fire, was able to puncture them. From there the birth progressed naturally.

Now I know you, brother, and I don't want you to worry unnecessarily. I assure you both are fine now. Bella would be upset if she thought you were worrying about her. She is up and about now, and just yesterday I caught her trying on her old clothes to see if they fit again. You will be pleased to know she retained her figure quite well, even if she despaired over the need for a corset.

Your sister,

Alice

September 10, 1862

My devoted wife,

I have just received the letter from Alice regarding Nessie's birth. As you can see from this I have accepted Jacob's nickname for our daughter. I feel a great debt to him. Not only has he kept you safe in my absence, but his dedication has given me both you and my daughter. Please describe her to me. I despair that I have never held her and that I wasn't by your side in your labors.

I received your last letter at the same time. I think our notes must be passing each other like ships in the night. We have been in the plains around Boise, guarding the wagon trains as they come through. I wondered if we would ever receive mail again, and so was quite worried that I had not learned of our child's birth. I knew the time had passed for her arrival and must admit I have been wearying my compatriots with my concerns.

I also feel the need to apologize for not being near you on the first anniversary of our marriage. I watched the day pass with a heavy heart, feeling each mile that separated us.

When I read your letter you could hear my laughter from the tent when I read about what Alice said. Do not allow Mrs. Stanley to chastise you, my dear, for your frivolity. If I had wanted to be wed to a Miss Prim, I would have married her simpering daughter. Give me a girl who enjoys a good romp, who has life and animation enough to enjoy the harmless pleasures of this beautiful world. I do hope that our daughter is of this type as well. Life has miseries enough. It should be enjoyed.

Word has reached us that they may pull some few of us for the war in the east. The new General-in-chief, Halleck, has need of more men due to losses suffered from the Seven Days' battles and the second battle at Bull Run. I feel I must enlighten you that I have put in for a transfer if the need arises. Now that I have a child I can't help but answer the call to preserve a nation for her. It tears at my heartstrings to think I might leave her orphan, having never known her father. But I know how great a debt I owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. If I fall, I beg your forgiveness for leaving you widowed and our child orphaned. I know if God wills it we will reunite one day.

With all my heart,

Edward

November 30, 1862

Oh, my Edward,

Time has flown like wings of lightening, but it doesn't bring you back to me. I cried over your last letter. It seems letters have become fewer and fewer due to our responsibilities, and the thought of never hearing from you again tears my soul asunder. I know I should only write of happy things, but the fear in my heart forbids it. But I shall persevere.

Nessie is sitting up and cooing now. She loves to hear the piano play and so Alice has been entertaining her in that way. My previous missive indicated how much hair she has, and I want you to know that it has been lightening. I believe it will resolve itself to be the same as yours. Alice delights in putting bows in it. Her eyes have darkened from the blue of her birth and now seem to be the same as mine. She is truly a union of the two of us. She sticks anything she can in her mouth and is quite adept at finding any little thing that has been left out. Jacob has made it a game to leave her toys about for her to find. I have had to admonish him on this, however, when I once tripped over one.

Rosalie has been an almost constant companion to me since Nessie's birth. She and Emmett have yet to conceive, and fear they never will. I believe they will be second parents for our children. She and Alice have lively discussions on whose turn it is to tend to our child. It's sometimes amusing as Jacob likes to sneak in and take the baby from me when they aren't paying attention. It tweaks them both, but they enjoy the joke when it makes me laugh. They feel I don't smile enough.

Your last letter made reference to my health. I will tell you I am fully recovered from the birth. I fear Alice made more of my difficulties than were truly there. Rachel informed me that this was not that uncommon, as she has experienced it before. While I was quite worn out from my exertions, within a few weeks I had my energy back.

Christmas is coming and I will be sending a package separate from this one so do not hesitate to open it. You indicated that your breeches had worn through due to the riding, and so I have sent you two pair. They are quite thick and will keep you warm.

I will support your desire for transfer, even as I dread it. When I read of the losses at Antietam I knew that you would feel the call. Mr. Lincoln's promise of emancipation, which he proclaims will take effect in January, will hopefully raise the desires of those slaves who wish to be free to rebel and fight. There were rumors here that Great Britain and France were about to recognize the Confederacy as a new nation, but have withheld that to see the outcome of the war.

Can I give to your love greater bounds than mine for thee? I cannot fathom the depth of my devotion to a husband whom I would not change one jot or tittle in any respect. Be well and secure in my devotion.

I am yours,

Bella

Christmas, 1862

My darling wife,

All the men are jealous of me. Not only do I have the warmest britches, but they all agree I have the most beautiful wife and child. As you can tell from this, I have received the daguerreotype you sent. A greater present I could not have imagined. The army made great efforts to ensure we had our letters and packages for this day, so I have quite a pile from you to read yet. However, I could not wait to dash a few lines in gratitude for the blessing of gazing upon your likeness and seeing my child for the first time. I will keep it wrapped securely and in a pocket close to my heart.

Many in the army here feel the loss of Fredericksburg. It seems as the Confederates are gaining the advantage. Mr. Lincoln's quick replacement of first McClellan and then Burnside has resulted in much fear that our leaders may not be directing the war as it should be. We hope that Hooker can do better. There is also rumor that conscription may begin for the Union. It seems support for the war is faltering. There are many who just want to see it end, and don't care about the final outcome. Don't they realize that sacrifice must be made for the greater good? I will not burden you with my rantings on this matter. I know you understand my heart, and so have no need to defend it to you.

On this day, of all days, I miss you deeply. I can imagine the changes you have made in our home. The pine boughs on the banister, the candles alit on the tree, and smells of cooking from the kitchen all come to me when I close my eyes. And now I can open them to see your face. Again I must thank you for this.

With all my love,

Edward

February 14, 1863

To my love,

It is St. Valentine's Day. There is a dance being held in town to celebrate, but many are not in the mood. News of the war hangs heavy on us, and with so many of us having loved ones gone it seems almost sacrilegious to celebrate love. But I will take this time to declare my devotion to you.

I find myself taking a journey in my memories. The first time I saw you, when you first kissed me, our walks around town and sleigh rides, our marriage and honeymoon all bring to mind happier times. I don't know how much pleasure it affords you to go over these days of the past, but to me they will ever be remembered as days of felicity. And how happy the thought that years increase the affection and esteem we have for each other to love and be loved. May it ever be so, and may I ever be a wife worthy of your warmest affections. May I make you happy and in so doing be made happy in return. A sweet kiss and embrace to your greeting.

With all my heart,

Bella

February 25, 1863

My beloved wife,

Conscription has begun. As I'm sure you are aware, this pertains to men aged twenty to forty-five, and I am yet nineteen. But I will be twenty this summer, and have no wish to be sent to a place I do not wish to go. To this end I am transferring, effective immediately. Word has reached us that the Army of the Potomac is forming a cavalry, and so is in need of experienced men. I have that experience due to the last nine months I have spent in the saddle. My horse is also experienced, and so will be highly prized.

I leave immediately, as I am to report to my commander by mid-June. That gives me less than four months to make a journey of over two thousand miles. It took six months for my family to travel from Nebraska, and I must go almost twice the distance in less time.

I wish I could return to you, but it is a distance of almost eight hundred miles from where I currently am in Idaho Falls. I do not know where the army will be encamped when I arrive, but they are currently in Fredricksburg, Virginia.

Lest I am unable to write to you again, I feel impelled to pen these few lines. If it is necessary that I should fall on the battlefield for my country, I am ready. I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the Government. And I am willing - perfectly willing - to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government.

But, my dear wife, when I know that with my own joys I lay down nearly all of yours, and replace them in this life with cares and sorrows, I feel remorse. I must beg forgiveness that my unbounded love for you, my darling wife and child, should struggle in fierce, though useless, contest with my love of country.

I have sought most closely and diligently, and often in my breast, for a wrong motive in thus hazarding the happiness of those I loved and I could not find one. A pure love of my country and of the principles has often advocated before the people and "the name of honor that I love more than I fear death" has called upon me, and I have obeyed.

Bella, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly on with all these chains to the battlefield.

I must make haste, as the post is waiting for me. I seal this with a kiss, knowing it may be the last I offer you. Forgive me, and know that I do this for you and our child.

With love eternal,

Edward.

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A/N

**While I wrote most of these letters, a few phrases here and there came from the over fifty love letters I read from this time period. The only exception to this is the last letter, where I have taken a large section of the letter from Sullivan Ballou, a Confederate soldier stationed at Washington DC, to his wife Sarah. You can find many wonderful examples of love, humor, and heartbreak at separation at: spec(dot)lib(dot)vt(dot)edu/cwlove/**

**Now please make my day a happy one and review!**


	16. Chapter 16 To War

**The characters are owned by Mrs. Meyer. I own the plot (insert copyright stuff!)**

**The most excellent Stavanger1 and whenpoetryrises betaed this for me. Eternal love and devotion have resulted.**

**This one isn't as sad...**

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Chapter 16 – To War

As soon as I penned my last line to Bella, I jumped on my horse to begin my journey to the east. I was decided to first journey to Salt Lake City, and from there I could find out which route to take. Travel over the Rocky Mountains was best done following trails that were well known, especially in the unpredictable spring. Also, the farther south I traveled the more likely I would be to not encounter a bad storm.

It took me about a week of hard riding to reach Salt Lake City. I intended to follow the route used by the pony express. However, upon my arrival in that valley, I was warned that the weather might not be cooperative, and that I should drop down from Laramie, through Denver and on to the southeast to pick up the Santa Fe Trail. There was no direct route connecting Denver to the Santa Fe, but others had done it and I was assured that I would be able to find it. I set my sights on that, and pushed from my mind the thought of what I had left behind.

Within another two weeks I reached Bents Fort. It had been a hard journey, full of uncertainty. Not as to my direction, for the path was all but etched into the prairie soil I was crossing. My uncertainty was over the value of what I was headed towards in competition with what I was leaving behind. What if the Union never reconciled? Would that really matter? I had decided it did, for the sake of my child, but still wasn't entirely sure. Even so, my course was set and I was determined to see it out.

Every night before laying my blanket on the cold, hard ground, using my saddle for a pillow, I would pull out the small piece of glass that held her image. This was the reason for my journey. In her arms was the future, and I must ensure it is a bright one for her. Even so, the spring rains were rarely the only moisture the ground saw each night as I contemplated the path I had chosen.

Every morning I would eat some hard tack, perhaps a piece of jerky, and drink some water either from a stream nearby or my canteen. I had already learned to refill that whenever water presented itself, not only for me, but also my horse. Then I was back in the saddle, focusing my mind on the trail ahead of me. I refused to think of her.

I was grateful for an animal with such stamina. The miles stretched away under his hooves day after day without him growing fatigued. I only wish the same could be said of me. I had learned how, on long drives, to sleep while cantering across Idaho. But there the horse had others to follow. Here, it was only me as the guide. Fortunately, he was smart enough to recognize a trail when he saw it. It didn't matter to him that the ruts from the multitudes of wagons that had crossed this way were formed in the other direction. He only saw a trail and followed it, carrying me farther and farther from those I loved and closer and closer to the battle that drew me onward.

I occasionally saw some travelers, usually someone delivering mail between stops. We would pull up and discuss what we had seen for a few minutes, alerting the other to conditions and the threat of hostiles. It was not the time for the pioneers to be this far west. That, and few from the Union were willing to travel through New Mexico since their loyalties were to the Confederacy. I hadn't gotten far into Kansas when I met my first Rebel soldier.

I was resting on the banks of the Arkansas River, once again staring at the face that brought me happiness and courage. I had a small fire lit for both light and to ward off the chill. I had made a small stew with water from the river, some of my jerky, and various roots I found along the way. Queen Anne's Lace grew wild around here, and that root was enough like a carrot to provide some vegetative matter to an otherwise bland concoction. The stars were quite bright in the cold, clear sky and my eyes were drawn up to them, wondering what Bella was doing at this time, when a voice called out, "Ho the camp!"

I could tell from his accent that he was a Reb, but it had been a couple days since I had seen another face. I tentatively called back, "Union or Reb?"

"Reb," came the reply, "I don't care what you are, I just want a fire," he drawled.

I couldn't refuse the warmth to any man. I cried back, "Well, I won't shoot if you don't."

I heard a chuckle, followed by a warm, "It's a bargain." A tall man, nigh unto my height, approached. As he neared the light cast by the fire I could see he had blond hair and was wiry. He wore a soft smile as he introduced himself, "Major Jasper Whitlock, of the Houston Regulars. You?"

Extending my hand to meet his I answered, "Lieutenant Edward Cullen, of Washington Territory cavalry, transferring to the Army of the Potomac."

A warm laugh greeted my answer, "I imagine that's the Yankee Army of the Potomac and not the Confederate?"

His warm manner calmed me, and I leaned back on my saddle as I answered, "That would be right." I looked at him questioningly, "You're a bit far north for a Reb alone, what brings you to Kansas? This is a Union State."

"I'm on my way east as well, and this trail is the best to follow. I'm to give a report to General Lee in Virginia. Why are you being transferred? You seem a bit young to be going so far."

I shrugged, "They had need of cavalry, and I'm good on a horse." He chuckled at that. We continued talking for a few minutes, and then he went to retrieve his own horse. He had left it picketed back a ways in fear I might be someone who wasn't trustworthy. We talked on many subjects, our families being of particular interest. We never discussed the war. I shared with him my picture of Bella and Nessie. He agreed that I was lucky, and also told me he thought I was crazy.

"If I had a gal like that, I wouldn't be leaving her," he said. I just grunted. Part of me knew he was right.

We found that we got on well, and as we had none around to discourage us, we decided we could travel together for as long as it was safe for both of us. We would part ways when we reached Virginia. Neither one of us had either the blue or the gray uniform to designate our side, just our regiment colors, and since we were from the west we believed no one in the east would know. He didn't mind travelling in the Union slave states of Missouri, Kentucky and the new state of West Virginia, and neither did I.

It was good to have company. Jasper was able to talk me from my moodiness, lightening my load as it were. The more I spoke with him each evening, the more I thought of my sister. Alice was a spirited girl, and would probably find the relaxed man compatible. I remembered him saying that he would have never left a girl behind if he had one, so one night when we were in the middle of Kentucky I began to ask him about girls he had liked.

"Well, all the girls where I'm from are either too prim and proper or not proper enough," he laughed. "I want a girl with spirit, yet knows how to conduct herself in society. Smart and not afraid to argue a point if she's sure of it. And kind, she must be kind."

"Well," I answered him, "if we both survive this war, you should look me up. I might know the perfect girl for you; my sister."

"Your sister?" he questioned. "You must trust me an awful lot to be willing to have me meet your sister." He looked into the fire as a faint flush rose in his cheeks. "That's quite an honor to be asked, seeing as how we are, technically, enemies."

"We've never really discussed the war," I hesitated, not wanting to disrupt the tentative friendship we had developed. "Why do you fight for the south?"

"Well, sir, I'm a Texan. I fight for Texas. If they had stayed with the Union, that's where I'd be fighting."

"Are you a slaver?" I asked him.

"Nah, my family didn't have enough for that. Can't say I hold with the idea of it any longer and I'm fairly sure it would go by the wayside eventually. Seems to me that men are the same the world over, regardless of color." He paused, but since I felt he had more to say, I remained quiet. After a few minutes he continued. "You ever notice that?" he asked quietly, "Some are good, some bad. Some are smart, some don't use what God gave them. Some rise above their trials while others wallow in them." He looked over to me and said, "I just think we should all have the opportunity to direct our own lives, and live by our own mistakes. But, I do hold that states should control their own laws."

Gesturing around me I commented, "Kentucky has been allowed to continue to have slaves, and the Emancipation Proclamation has no hold on it since it didn't rebel against the Union, so its slaves won't be free if the Union wins the war. They'll get to decide for themselves."

"True," he agreed, "but if the Union does win, will this place be able to withstand the pressure to release its slaves? I don't think so. I think a win for the Union will be more than a loss for the south. If they win I don't think I'd return to Texas. It would be hard to watch what would happen there."

"Then I would welcome you to my home in Washington," I stated. He nodded and thanked me, and with that we turned in for the night.

We had been able to avoid battles and troop movements on our journey. This was something we both desired since we didn't want to be parted from each other's company and we had no idea of how other soldiers would view our friendship. We knew the time might come when we would face each other in battle, and that it would be incumbent upon us to fire on the other, but hoped to avoid that for now. Our peace came to an end on May 18th when we encountered a Union army retreating from a battle in southern West Virginia. Since we encountered a Union army we both made that we were heading for the Army of the Potomac, Union division, and they let us pass peaceably. We, however, decided it was probably best to separate. Knowing there was a Confederate army nearby, he took his leave of me, saying, "May God grant you survive. If you do, I will come to visit you."

"And I you," I answered. With that we shook, both of us hoping not to see the other until the war was over. I felt I had lost a friend when he wheeled his horse away and headed south. I continued straight east, toward Fredericksburg, Virginia, hoping my new regiment was still there.

I met up with the army outside Brandy Station in Virginia on June 8th. My timing was impeccable, for the very next day we engaged the enemy. We made a surprise attack on Stuart's men in the morning. I was assigned under Brigadier General John Buford, and we made attack across the river at Beverly's Ford. The battle went with such haste that we stayed mounted to fight, simply fired from the backs of our horses until we had to fight with cutlasses.

We came upon the Confederates as they fired at us from a stone wall. The sound of gunfire and canon shells was ringing in my ears, making me unable to hear even my own cries of battle as I raced with my army towards those who opposed us. Mortar shells from the enemy were exploding around us, causing horses to rear and dislodge their riders. From the looks in the animal's eyes, I could tell they must have been screaming, but I could make out none of it. The scent of gunpowder burned my nose while its acrid smoke had the same affect on my eyes. Tears ran down my face as my body tried to wash out the smoke, making it hard to focus on my objectives.

This was the first time I ever killed a man.

I glanced at the face; only long enough to be sure it wasn't my friend, raised my pistol and pulled the trigger. I sat atop my horse only from constant experience as I watched my shot hit him in the throat. His eyes opened wide as his hands came up to grasp at his wound. Blood poured from between his fingers and I watched as the light left his eyes and he fell to the earth. I felt the bile in my stomach come up and vomited over the side of my horse. I wanted to turn the beast and ride away; ride back to the arms I knew awaited me, to find comfort and solace there. I knew I would never be able to return to her the same man who had left.

I felt a nudge on my shoulder as another cavalryman pointed me back to battle. Some men were jumping from their mounts to engage, but I still had another pistol and a rifle I could use, so I raised up my other pistol and shot another man. This time I didn't watch longer than just to be sure he had been hit. I still felt the same nausea, but forced it back down as I pulled my rifle. Another man was dispatched and now I wasn't sure if the tears were from the smoke or the loss of my own soul. I had become a bringer of death. None of the stories I had heard growing up had prepared me for the feeling of losing that vital piece of me. But I couldn't wallow; I must fight on to preserve what little of me there was left.

I threw myself from my mount while pulling my sword. When I hit the ground a smell other than that of the gunpowder struck me. I could smell the blood and started to make out the cries of the wounded and screams of the horses amongst the exploding of the shells. I forced myself to retreat within my own head as I came upon another man in gray. He was younger than me, and the condition of his uniform suggested he was quite a bit poorer. _I'm sorry_, I thought in my head as I ran my blade through his abdomen. I could feel it as it encountered layers of material, skin, organs and bone. I couldn't bring myself to look at his face; I just watched his hands to make sure he couldn't impale me while I quickly glanced around in fear another soldier might come at me while my blade was so engaged. I pushed him off with my foot, hoping he would die quickly so he wouldn't have to suffer too long, and went in search of my next enemy.

The battle lasted forever. I have no idea of how many I killed. I was tired beyond any exhaustion I had ever felt in my life when both sides called retreat. The man I was engaged with pulled back when he heard the call. I could have easily run him through, but had killed enough. I lowered my blade and let him escape. Looking to the sky I saw that it was nigh unto evening. I turned about and walked back to regroup with my army, surprised to feel a pain in my leg as I limped, and ignored the bodies of the dead I saw scattered along the road. I paid my leg no mind as I reached where we were to meet, and rejoiced to see my horse had returned to the encampment with my pistols and rifle still secured in the saddle.

I took off the animal's tack and tended to his needs before considering my own, surprised when he was a bit skittish with me. A cavalryman is only as good as his horse, and mine was one of the best. I noticed a small scratch on his flank, most likely made by a stray bullet, and cleaned it the best I could. I was surprised to find a bullet lodged in the saddle, knowing that the leather had saved his life. Once he was curried, fed, watered and picketed, I tended to my own wounds.

I looked down to assess myself and realized why the animal had acted the way he had. I was covered in blood. My breeches were cut half-way up my thigh, from a cutlass no doubt, and I peeled them back to see a sizable cut on my leg. One of the corpsman was good with a needle and thread and after pouring some brandy on the wound, stitched me up. That stung quite a bit but I just bit down on a piece of wood I had found when he poured on the liquor.

Stripping down to my underwear, I went, with the other men who were able, to wash out my clothes in the river. I tried to go upstream as much as possible because the water soon ran red with the blood that was being washed away. I forced myself not to notice the dead on the other side of the river, or think of what could be farther upstream. I only concentrated on cleaning my clothes and myself as much as possible. Then I wandered back to where a tent had been erected for me. As an officer, albeit a junior one, I at least rated a tent, for which I was thankful.

Sleep was extremely difficult to come by that night. The cries of the wounded rent the air. The scent of death hung over everything; the heat and humidity amplifying the smell so that none could ignore it. Even the beasts were troubled by the cries and the awful stench. Only sheer exhaustion enabled me to finally allow sleep to take me.

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**The battles have begun. This was almost harder to write, imagining what it must be like, knowing (thankfully) that I have no experience. I just relied on accounts I have read. If you have a minute, stop by the thread (Twilighted, Alternate Universe), I have civil war pictures!**

**Thanks to everyone who has put me on alert, favorited, and most especially reviewed! I can't tell you how happy that makes me.**


	17. Chapter 17 Worry

**Characters owned by SM, plot owned by me.**

**This is the last chapter Stavanger1 was able to beta before taking a break. I do love her much and thank her for all the time she has spent working with me on this story. I also thank whenpoetryrises for taking time from her busy life to beta for me. She rocks.**

**I know what you're thinking, "It isn't Tuesday, babs, so why are you updating?" Well, the answer is simple, it's looking like I'm going to be becoming a grandma tomorrow (oh, the horror! I'm not old enough!) so I'll be a bit busy.**

**Um, the tissue warning is still in force...**

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Chapter 17 – Worry

_I seal this with a kiss, knowing it may be the last I offer you. Forgive me, and know that I do this for you and our child._

"NO!" I screamed as I read Edward's last line, startling Alice and causing Nessie to jump and begin to cry.

Alice reached for my daughter and said in a soothing voice to calm both her and me, "What is it? What has you so upset?"

Tears had begun to roll down my cheeks as I reread his letter. This couldn't be the last kiss we shared. We had only been married for less than eight months when he joined the regiment. He had been gone almost a year already, and now he was leaving me to fight in the east? How could this war be more important than me? Than our child? Huge sobs rent my chest as I collapsed in a heap on the floor, clutching his letter to my chest and saying, "No, please God, no. Not this."

Alice set Nessie by and ran to my side, "Bella, has he been shot?" she gasped, tears coming to her eyes, "has he been killed?"

"Not yet, but I'm so afraid, Alice." I looked up at her as I continued, "he's gone to the eastern theater to fight for the Army of the Potomac." Alice blanched. We knew of the battles they had been in. The papers seemed to follow their movements closely, reporting on their wins and losses. I knew that they had formed a cavalry, before even receiving Edward's letter, and fear had gripped me when I read that in the paper. I knew Edward's thoughts. I knew he would go.

I looked at the date on the letter; it had been posted only three weeks prior. This was probably the quickest I had received a note from him, and I thanked providence for that. I wasn't far behind him. I could go. Follow him. Care for him. I would not be left behind. But, what of my child?

I glanced over to where Alice was still trying to comfort her. She would be fine with her Aunt. But the thought of leaving her behind ripped a new hole in my chest, causing even more tears to fall. No matter what my course was, I would have to take my child. Besides, surely a lone woman traveling with a child would be safer than without? Actually, I couldn't be sure of that either. Dared I take my child into a war zone? As soon as my decision had been made to take her, this new thought told me not to. The only thing I knew for certain was that I must reach Edward. He was going to need me. I would not be left alone without trying to find him.

I collapsed once more as the agony of my decision overcame me. What kind of mother leaves their child behind as she goes tearing across the country? What kind of mother would take her with her when the danger was real? I felt Alice's arms about me as I sobbed out my heart. I heard my child's cries joining mine in her childlike fear, so I gathered Nessie into my lap and loved her, kissing her cheek, stroking her hair, as I contemplated the choice before me.

The shadows had moved quite a distance, and my child slept soundly in my lap, before my tears began to still. Exhaustion from my emotional state overwhelmed me, causing me to sag on the floor. I barely registered Alice taking Nessie from me and laying her aside. I was little help as she tried to lift me from the floor and lead me up the steps to my room. It felt as if my entire mind had shut down. While I was aware of her undressing me, I was unable to help. She put my arms through my nightgown as one would a small child and led me to the bed. I collapsed on it, fresh sobs breaking from me as I grasped Edward's pillow to my chest. Some part of me realized that Alice returned with a sleeping Nessie, changed her clothes and placed her in her crib by my bed. Eventually the exhaustion of the tumult of my emotions overcame me and I fell to sleep.

When I awoke the light of the moon shone in my window. I had no idea the hour, but knew I would be unable to return to sleep. I arose from my bed and stood over my baby's crib, watching her sleep. She had called Jacob 'dada' the other day. He had been quick to correct her, even showed her the photograph of Edward that his parents had. She seemed to understand, but I could tell she wondered about him and didn't know how to express it. I had to take her with me. I was sure I would be able to keep her safe.

Acting quickly on my decision I ran to the wardrobe and pulled out my valise. I threw some random clothes into it; a plain and a nice dress, a couple changes of undergarments, and my dress corset went into the bag. I grabbed the same for Nessie, including her blanket, a shawl I could tie her to me with and as many extra diapers as would fit. I pulled off my nightgown and shoved it into a spare corner of the bag and threw on my riding habit.

I dressed my sleeping child quickly, using another shawl to tie her in front of me the way the Quileutes did. I grabbed up my bag, penned a quick note for Alice, leaving it on the table, and ran out to the stable. Setting Nessie down on a bale of hay, I quickly put the bridle and saddle on Manitou. I knew I could trust him to carry me swiftly and not buck. I reattached Nessie and walked the horse over to a stump I had been using to climb onto his back. Just as I stepped up and lifted my skirt to put my foot in the stirrup I heard a quiet voice ask from behind me, "Where are you going, Pititchu?"

I spun quickly, losing my balance and holding on to the saddle horn to keep from falling. I felt Jacob grab me from behind and whisper, "Careful, you don't want to fall on the little one."

"Don't startle me so then!" I hissed.

He waited a moment while we stared at each other, not quite knowing what to say. "You haven't answered my question, Pititchu. Where are you going?"

"I have to find him," I answered, knowing Jacob would know whom I was referring to. "I can't let him go. I can't be without him." I started to break down in tears again. "Please, Jacob, I need to find him."

"Tell me, besides clothes, what have you packed?"

I merely stared at him. I could feed the baby from my breast, but I hadn't considered food for myself. Nor had I thought of shelter of any kind. Hanging my head I let my despair wash over me. "Nothing. I would have killed my child," I cried. I felt defeated knowing Jacob wouldn't let me go, knowing Edward might die and I would never know what happened, where he was buried, knowing he would simply never come home.

Jacob sighed and came and put his arm about me. "I have tents packed, and food enough for a month. Did you bring a purse?" he asked. He sighed again when I shook my head no. "You'll need to be able to make purchases." Hope began to rise in me. He wasn't stopping me! "You'll need an escort. I won't suffice, people will make incorrect assumptions." He turned slightly and called, "Alice, you can come out now." My jaw dropped when I saw her come around the barn, a valise packed, another couple bags also prepared for travel. Looking up at Jacob in surprise I caught his eye as he chuckled. "You didn't really think we wouldn't know you would try something, now did you?"

"Sorry," I whispered. "I just didn't feel I could ask." The hole was still in my chest over concern for Edward, but while I stood next to those who loved me I could feel that it didn't gape as wide. "When did you make all the arrangements?" I asked.

Alice answered, "When I put you to bed. I ran to get Jacob and he told me what we'd need." She walked over and put her arm about my waist, hugging both Nessie and me close. "I've got your purse, and emptied your account. Jacob has the money. I've packed all the food fit for travel. If you're ready to go, we can leave now. Or, we could wait until morning. Of course, that risks our parents finding out." She just stopped and smiled at me.

I didn't know how far we could go before falling from exhaustion but I knew I couldn't remain in this place any longer. However, her comment about our parents drew me up short. If I wasn't leaving Alice behind, then what might happen? Would they try to follow us? I voiced my concern to Alice and she assured me that she had it covered. I didn't want to waste time asking how, so I climbed up on Manitou and said, "Let's go."

Jacob went and pulled three ponies from behind the barn; two were saddled and the third was packed down with supplies. He helped Alice up, jumped up himself and led the way out. We quickly fell into a canter, smooth enough to not wake the baby, fast enough to eat away the miles.

When Nessie woke we slowed so I could feed her, taking time to eat ourselves while in the saddle. Jacob was fast enough to be able to hop down from his horse, refill the canteens, and catch back up at a trot. Once Nessie was fed, he took her from me and had her ride with him. She thought it was a great adventure! She would laugh and point at animals she saw and kept us all entertained with her high spirits. Unfortunately, this only lasted until she was hungry and wanted to stop to rest. She had a rather cranky evening when we kept going.

We were all having difficulty staying in our saddles when we reached Snoqualmie Pass. Jacob insisted he was fine sleeping outside, while the miners made room for us girls in one of their cabins. We protested at first, but then Jacob pointed out that we might not see a bed again for a while and to take advantage of it while we could. I tucked Nessie in beside me and fell into a bone-weary slumber. The travel had kept my concerns for Edward from my mind, but they invaded my dreams.

I could see him, lying in a field made muddy by the blood of many men, wounded. It was like my dream from the night before my wedding. The sights, the smells, haunted me. I was trying to reach him on the field but a man was grabbing me, begging for water. I had to break free, feeling horrible, but knowing I only had enough for Edward. I could see him, but I couldn't reach him. The faster I ran, the farther away he became. It was as if I was running away and not towards him. Then he turned to me and whispered my name, closed his eyes and died.

I screamed, sitting up in bed quickly as I awoke. Thankfully, Nessie slept right through my outburst, but Alice didn't. "What's the matter?" she cried.

"Nightmare," was all I said as I settled back into bed, drawing my daughter into my arms.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, her voice full of concern.

"No, let's just go back to sleep." She lay back down and I could soon hear her steady breathing. Thankfully, the exhaustion overtook me and I was able to succumb as well. I was grateful when I awoke in the morning, having not suffered from any more dreams.

We quickly saddled up again and took the ferry across the lake at first light. Nessie didn't find the second day's journey to be as exciting as the first, and made her displeasure known. Alice and I weren't in much better shape. We thought we had ridden plenty, but this race against time was a whole different subject. The beat of the hooves jarred us and our backsides quickly wearied of the saddle. I tried my best to comfort Nessie and made sure to stop for a few minutes every hour to allow her time to crawl around.

We met up with the Oregon Trail in Boise after two weeks of hard riding, and chose the southern route to avoid the heat of The Craters of the Moon and to ensure water. It was longer, but I knew I couldn't push Nessie too hard. She had finally given up her complaints and rode willingly. By this time, we had also hardened up. We talked with those who had overwintered at some fort or another along the trail to find out conditions. Many looked at Alice and me strangely, two white women traveling with a baby and a native as a guide. They warned us that the Shoshones were making trouble to the south and suggested we halt our journey or return. I would not be deterred. My dream of Edward continued nightly and I felt I couldn't get to him quickly enough.

We had relatively uneventful travel until we neared Shoshone Falls. We knew the typical camping spot was only about ten miles away and so decided to push on into the evening. Nessie was chewing on some hard tack, I was losing my milk due to the hard riding, and we were all exhausted and hungry. As the shadows lengthened Jacob spotted a silhouette of a brave upon a bluff and pointed him out to me. We watched as we rode, and a few minutes later he was joined by a larger party who quickly came down the side of the hill towards us. Jacob kicked his pony into a gallop and we followed suit. I was having trouble riding and holding Nessie, so he reached over and grabbed her from me at a full gallop, stopping my heart. But it was to no avail. Our horses were tired from travel where theirs were fresh and we were quickly overtaken.

I pulled up as fear gripped my heart, looking over to see a similar expression on Alice's face. Jacob handed Nessie back to me as the braves formed a circle around us. One of them called to him in their language and Jacob answered in his own. I could see some confusion on their faces and thought that maybe the languages were close enough so that they could talk. Until they switched to English.

"Why do you ride with these women, who are enemies of our people?" one of them called out.

Jacob responded, "The one with the child is my sister." I could see surprise on their faces at this, "and the other is sister to her husband. I ride with them for their safety."

The braves started to speak amongst themselves and I whispered to Jacob, "Do you understand them?"

"A little. Some words are similar. They are discussing whether or not to kill you. They have no quarrel with my tribe, and because of our relationship don't want to spark a war. We may be able to pay them."

"We don't have much money," I fretted. "How much would be enough?"

Jacob glanced at Alice, "It's not money they want."

"Alice? They want Alice?" I could hear my voice rise with concern as I looked over to her. Fear was evident on her face at hearing this.

"No, I think they want her hair," he responded. Alice had beautiful, straight, long black hair that she had in a plait down her back. It was one of her best features.

"Why her hair?" I questioned.

He shrugged, "Mostly for intimidation, I believe. They think if we are forced to give this, then we will fear what else they may ask if we cross this way again. It humiliates us without causing us harm. My tribe can ask for retribution, and because of my position as son of the chief we will, but it wouldn't spark a war between us."

Alice spoke for the first time, "I'll give it to them, I'm not afraid. It will grow back. If it will keep us safe, it's a small sacrifice." Her words were strong, but I could see the fear and sadness of losing her hair in her eyes. Her willingness to make this sacrifice for our safety made me love her all the more.

Sure enough, the demand was made, Jacob was correct. Alice removed her bonnet and rode to the man holding a knife. I just about fainted when he brought it to her throat, what if it was a ruse to kill her? But he grabbed her plait and cut it at the base, leaving the back shorter than a man's. Tears fell from my eyes at seeing this happen to her, but she remained strong and resolute. Nessie also began to cry, most likely sensing my fear and sorrow. As soon as the man had her plait they rode off, leaving us alone. Alice put her bonnet back on her head and pulled up beside me. "Let's leave this place and make for camp," was all she said, then turned her horse back to the trail and took off. I tied Nessie to me and followed with Jacob trailing behind.

She didn't speak of that time, except to ask me to even up her hair. When I asked her if she wanted to speak, she just shook her head.

It was cold as we crossed Wyoming. Even though it was now the end of April, late snows blew in, causing us to wrap ourselves in our blankets. Our cheeks turned red and peeled from the constant wind that blew. Alice and I spent an evening fashioning a few blankets that could be worn as coats with Nessie inside, to shield her from the wind and keep her warm. Each had straps on the inside that could be tied about her body to keep her secure as we rode, and had a flap that could be buttoned up to allow her to see, and closed when she slept to keep her warm.

In Nebraska Jacob was able to trade with some natives for food. Since he was a chief's son, he was able to make a contract of peace with them. I asked him what Billy would think of this and he answered, "It's really just a formality, and we both know that. It's unlikely our people will cross again, except on our return trip, but it affords us protection, and them too if they ever go to my lands. Besides, they were quite pleased with my wolf carvings, and gave us quite a bit of dried bison in exchange."

We reached Council Bluffs at the beginning of June. With the exception of the encounter with the Shoshones and dealing with the cold and snows, our trip to this point had been uneventful. Alice had served to lighten our mood at camp each night by regaling us with tales of what she and Edward had done on their trip west five years prior. I laughed when we camped at Chimney Rock and she told me of Edward's attempt to climb it. It was just so like him. Later that night I couldn't keep the tears at bay thinking of him and fell asleep dreaming of him laughing as he attempted the climb.

We were told at Council Bluffs that we could take a train from Des Moines, another one hundred and forty miles away, but were warned against having Jacob with us. He told us that he would wait for us to return if we felt it would be a problem, but there was no way I could be without him as it would be like abandoning a member of my family. I couldn't leave him to the fates any more than I could Nessie. Alice and I begged him to continue with us. We would attempt to protect him as he had us. I was heartened when he finally relented, and three days later we were in Des Moines, attempting to buy passage for ourselves and our horses.

That's where we ran into real trouble.

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**I know, evil cliffie time. Sigh. Sorry.**

**Hugs to all who have favorited and put this story on alert! Kisses go to those who review! Hint, hint, hint. Okay, so I'm not subtle.  
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	18. Chapter 18 Battles

**The characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, the plot of this story belongs to me.**

**Many thanks to whenpoetryrises who is such a wonderful beta. Even when swamped with schoolwork.**

**Still no baby yet, thanks for all the well wishes. Now that my daughter is actually listening to the doctor her heart is doing better (this is the child who is responsible for every grey hair on my head), and since the baby's lungs aren't developed enough, she's staying pregnant. I received some great ideas for a name, other than grandma, that I could go by. I'd appreciate any and all suggestions, since I think my daughter's birth mother is going to be grandma, and I don't want the child being confused, although my daughter calls me mom and her birth mother by her first name. It's kind of funny.**

**Anyway, on to the story. The points of view switch back and forth between Edward and Bella. You'll understand why this was necessary as you get to the end. This is the chapter before the one-shot. That is a warning.**

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Chapter 18 – Battles

It had been a week since our last engagement and still the stench of death was my constant companion. The thick, humid air that hung like a miasma on everything was rife with it. The bodies of the dead lined the roads we marched along. I could see men in the fields collecting them. Hauling them where, I had no idea, nor did I care. I only wondered how, if this was to be my end, my loved ones would know? I didn't envy those men their work. I had learned that a man's bowels loosed upon death, so it wasn't only the decay of the bodies in the June heat they had to deal with.

We were on the Little River Turnpike, attempting to gain access to the Shenandoah Valley, pushing towards Albie. General Peterson wanted to prove the worth of his cavalry to Commander Hooker, so we were going to engage Stuart there. Albie was important because it was an intersection of three turnpikes. Holding this city would be a strategic advantage.

We were behind the main army of regulars, being held in abeyance as to the need for us. When we were about twenty miles out, I could begin to make out the sounds of the battle already raging. The canon fire was booming, causing minute vibrations in the ground, even from this distance. We rode quickly; the sun was already high in the sky and we needed to be there to help the men fighting on their feet. Men from Massachusetts and New York. Men who had loved ones and counted on us to relieve them if necessary. It was _always_ necessary.

After a few hours of hard riding, retorts of gunfire started to join the increasing volume of the canons. The wind was against us and we started to detect the tell-tale scent of gunpowder interlaced with that of the sweat of the men and their horses. The sun was starting to sink and yet still burning, draining us of the energy we had. We were probably only five miles out now, and had no idea of the turn of the battle.

I reached into my saddlebag as I rode, pulling out some hardtack. There would be no time for dinner tonight. We arrived at the intersection of the turnpikes just as the sun was beginning to set and the federals were in retreat, having been outmaneuvered by Stuart's cavalry. Those men running cheered our arrival, and those who were able turned back around to fight with us. When my weapons had discharged, and not having time to reload, I again jumped from my horse. Only instead of pulling my cutlass I reached down and took weapons from the dead and started to use them. There were plenty to choose from. Within an hour the tide of the battle turned, and the Rebs pulled back. Exhausted, we also pulled back and sank to sleep.

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Sleep was hard to come by. We were about to cross into Pennsylvania on the train, and the days onboard had been hard. When we had reached Des Moines, I had barely enough to secure passage to eastern Pennsylvania. The paper had been reporting on the Army of the Potomac, and I knew they were in Virginia. The problem came when we tried to board the train. The trainmaster wouldn't allow Jacob into the cabin! Apparently, "no injuns are allowed" where white people were. I was appalled. Arguing with him, I yelled, "This man has saved my life more than once. He has seen me safely from Washington Territory with my sister and daughter. And now you have the nerve to refuse him passage?" My voice continued to rise in indignation as I shouted.

"Ma'am," he began with a conciliatory air, "it's policy. Now, he can ride in the stable car with the horses, but I can't allow him up here."

"He is not an animal!" I all but shrieked and was about to go into a full rant when I felt Jacob take my arm.

"Pititchu, please stop." He turned me about. "You will not win this war, but the man has offered a compromise. As you know, I've slept in worse places than a stable car, and this way I can tend to the horses." Seeing I was about to protest, he placed one hand over my mouth. "Enough," he said in a firm voice, "there isn't time for this. The train departs shortly and I need to load the animals. You will bend on this, you have no choice."

Turning back to the trainmaster I asked, "What about food for him?"

"People travel to the stable car all the time to check on their horses, you can take food to him that way," he offered. I knew I had to relent, but I didn't like it. Nodding my acceptance, I wrapped my arms about him, giving him a hug and thanked him for his sacrifice. He just scoffed at me and took the horses back to where he and they would be staying for the journey. I shocked many of the travelers when they saw me walk back there to check on him many times each day, but I didn't care. After a couple days one older couple, perhaps in their middle thirties, enquired as to our relationship. When I told them all that Jacob had done to help me get to my husband, they softened and talked with the other passengers. It shouldn't have been necessary, but I was appreciative of their efforts.

A paper was delivered to the train daily and we read it avidly. This morning we had read that refugees were streaming from Maryland as the Confederates began to push north, and I knew Edward's company was following to the west of Stuart's push. That is, if he was still alive. There were almost four hundred men killed at the battle of Aldie. I worried that he might be one of them. These thoughts, as well as the fear of my dreams, kept sleep at bay. As heart-wrenching as the worry over Edward was during the day, nothing compared to the terror of my nightmares.

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The war had become my waking nightmare. My only consolation was that I knew Bella was safe on the other side of the continent, where the horror could not reach her. We had gotten no mail and so I had spent my nights, before surrendering to my bone-weary exhaustion, staring at the glass that held her image or reading the letters from her that I kept safely stowed near my heart.

From Aldie we had battled Stuart the very next couple days in Middleburg. We just couldn't seem to gain an advantage, nor could we understand what he was doing. No one seemed to know where Lee's army was, so we focused on the enemy we could see. As we were now coming up on Upperville, the rain, pounding us after six weeks of drought, added grayness to the skies that matched our mood. We were waiting for some infantry to join us since Stuart had made his cavalry dismount and hide behind stone walls and in creek beds to pick us off as we rode up to battle. We needed the sharpshooters to fire back.

The day after the infantry arrived was the Sabbath and that morning we came upon Stuart, encamped with his men. We managed to take them by surprise since it seemed they thought we wouldn't fight on the Lord's Day. We were fighting in God's name, so we felt sure He wouldn't mind us attacking the enemy in order to preserve our nation.

Buford led my division around Upperville to flank Stuart and there we encountered his supply train and attacked. Reports were coming in of a two hour battle at Goose Creek until the Michigan sharpshooters were able to force their retreat. It was a horrific battle. We remained mounted throughout it, though, firing shots as fast as we could reload. We managed to push the Confederates back to the Potomac River, where they crossed into Maryland. We chased them for a couple days, with many encounters between troops, until it was realized that they were heading for Pennsylvania and a dash was made to the north to check their progress.

We had been a week into our march north when I realized I hadn't thought of Bella much. The constant exhaustion, coupled with hard riding and fighting was making my mind numb. I was surrounded by death, pain and torment and felt despair over ever seeing her again, much less being able to hold my child. I couldn't allow this to happen to me. I couldn't become one of the men that turned off their humanity only to spend their days killing. I pushed thoughts of battles from my mind, and only thought of Bella as we made for Gettysburg.

~*~

We had finally reached Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, all my thoughts centered on finding my husband. Now that I knew the armies were coming north, attested to by the streams of refugees leading the advance. When we looked for transport going south, people looked at us as if we had lost our minds.

We had money again. That kindly couple who listened to me on the train had talked with other families, and it had been decided by them that they would pay Jacob to tend all the horses in the stable car. At first we protested this wasn't necessary, but the good woman just laid her hand on my arm and told me to allow others to do a good deed. Since we were so short on cash, I relented. I did manage to offend Jacob, however, when I expressed my feelings that I was afraid he might feel like a servant and that I was abusing his kindness. He quite firmly told me that he felt like a brother, and as such it was his duty to do whatever was required.

When we disembarked from the train, we went to the ticket booth to try to find a train heading south. I learned there that the confederate army had come north in advance of the federals, and it seemed they would meet at Gettysburg. I was frantically trying to find some way to get south safely, and wanted to be sure to avoid the battle.

Nessie picked up on my tension and started to fuss. I could feel the exhaustion of the race across the country finally reach its peak, and tears started to well up in my eyes as I considered my seemingly hopeless situation. How could I come so close, only to fail? It was as if I could sense that he was near, even if it was a day's ride away. I wanted to touch him, kiss him, hold him.

I dashed the tears from my face angrily. I refused to be defeated! I looked to Alice and saw that she had given into her exhaustion, sleeping on a bench in the station. Jacob was dead on his feet as well but stood guard over her, warning away curious people with a glare. As my eyes roved the station, looking for an answer, I spotted the couple who had been so helpful walking towards me with a look of concern.

"My dear, what has you so distraught?" the good lady asked. I knew she had told me her name at one time, but for the life of me I couldn't remember it.

"I've come so far, and I can feel that I'm so close. I just want to reach my husband, and I know he's with the Army of the Potomac. The papers say they are heading to Gettysburg, which is only a day's ride, but it's not safe. I can't go there alone." My voice trailed off at the end as my realization of my situation truly sank in.

"My husband is an army surgeon, and I assist him. He's been called to man the field hospital. Would you care to join us?" she graciously offered.

"Yes, please." I hesitated. "Please forgive my rudeness, but I seem to have forgotten your names," I whispered with a blush. They had been so good to me, and I couldn't remember my manners enough to retain their name in my memory? My father would be mortified!

"You are fatigued and distraught, dear. It's to be expected. I'm Esme Cullen, and my husband is Colonel Carlisle Cullen." She smiled at me as I thanked her for her kindness. "Nonsense, dear, it's what good people do." She hurried on, "Now, why don't you wake your sister, gather your man, child and your things, and come with us. We have a place to stay, and there will be no problem putting all of you up as well. We leave in the morning." I nodded my acquiescence, and did as she instructed.

They led us to a house where they had plenty of spare bedrooms. Mrs. Cullen, who insisted I call her Esme, helped me put Nessie down to sleep on the settee in the parlor. Then she and Colonel Cullen ("Carlisle, please, I'll have enough saluting later," he laughed) put us up in separate bedrooms with the softess mattresses I had ever felt. I balked at this, and they assured me that this was their home and we were most welcome here. Jacob went quietly into his own room and he was soon asleep upon the bed there. I lay down, grateful for the kindness of strangers, and allowed myself to be carried off into dreams where Edward was holding me and loving me.

~*~

It was the first of July. Hot, humid, hazy, and all the men talked about was their dreams for a Fourth of July celebration complete with picnics and fireworks. All _my_ dreams centered on holding Bella again.

We were in the saddle again. There was a permanent impression of my backside in the leather, reminding me of the ruts along the Oregon and Santa Fe Trails. I patted my coat, making sure I could feel Bella's letters and her picture in the pocket over my heart. The material had started to wear, and I feared lest a tear should appear and I lose that which was most precious to me.

It was early when we engaged a regiment of Rebs. It was their supply train, and we knew that by holding them up we could keep much needed supplies from their army. A call was made for the infantry, and they took over our fight as we went up and down the trail, scouting for more Rebs and reporting back to Commander Buford. It was a long, hot day, and once again we could hear a battle begin to rage to the north of us.

Reports came in that Lee's army had finally been spotted. He had advanced north on the western side of the mountains lining the Shenandoah Valley. We had been so focused on Stuart to our east that we completely missed Lee. They had turned, coming from the north, to meet us. We were then assigned to guard our supply train, to make sure our armies were well provisioned.

We were to the northwest of town when we met Lee's army. Two corps of infantry soon joined us in the battle, but due to the fierceness of their attack, we had to give way. We were able to retreat south of town, to the hills there.

That night, the dead were not collected. Men were too busy gathering into armies to give battle the next day. I was reassigned from Buford to serve under Custer as part of Kilpatrick's division. We were put on the left side of the field to await Lee's army in the morning. I slept under my horse that night with my gun in my hand.

~*~

We reached Gettysburg not a moment too soon. A battle had raged that day, and I handed Nessie to Jacob to tend while Alice and I were drafted into helping at the hospital. The scent of blood was everywhere, and I was almost undone as we came upon the scene of men limping towards the tent that was set up to give aid. Some of those men had comrades thrown over their shoulder, or were dragging them as best they could through the dirt.

I tried breathing through my mouth so the smell wouldn't overwhelm me, but then the taste of the air left me reeling. I could taste the blood, gunpowder and sweat of the men. I decided the smell was better, and found to my amazement that after a couple hours I became inured to it.

The hospital was full of men suffering wounds of all types. Gunshots were the most common, but there were also lacerations from cutlasses, broken limbs from falling from horses or off of boulders, and heat exhaustion from simply not consuming enough water. I found Carlisle to be quite strange in his treatment. Most doctors, if they found puss in a wound, would collect it to treat the men that didn't have any in theirs. Carlisle said he just felt that was wrong, since healthy tissue didn't usually have puss in it. I felt I could trust his judgment.

Because of my dreams, I decided it would be a good idea to have a large supply of water nearby. As the night progressed, it was often the last wish of a dying man to simply have a drink, and I did my best to meet this need, thinking that if it were Edward I would want someone to give that to him. I only had the training of growing up on the frontier, but Carlisle insisted it was valuable. Alice worked closely by my side, often holding up the head of a man as I tried to wrap a bandage around his head or limb, or to give him a sip of water. We looked into every face we came across, dreading that the next one might be Edward.

Halfway through the night Alice noticed that there were a group of men that had no one attending to them. She asked Carlisle about this, and he informed her that they were Rebs. He wanted to care for them, but had orders to tend to the Union soldiers first, and since they kept coming he simply had no time. Alice and I simply looked at each other and without words agreed. Someone needed to care for them as well. "Go, Alice. I'll stay here to search for Edward. Go help as many as you can." She nodded and went over and began working her way through the men lying on the ground, offering comfort as she could.

Halfway through the night I heard her call to me over the moans of the wounded and dying. "Bella, come quickly!" she cried. I hurried over to her to see a tall Reb, a gunshot wound to his thigh, smiling up at her.

When he turned his gaze to me his jaw dropped. "You're Bella," he drawled. "I've seen your image so many times I couldn't ever forget it."

"How do you know me?"

"I know Edward." Gesturing to Alice he continued, "When I saw this little thing, who looked so much like him, I couldn't but help ask if she knew him. I guess she does, since she called you." He reached his hand out, "I'm mighty pleased to make your acquaintance. My name's Jasper Whitlock. I traveled the Santa Fe with Edward for over a month."

I fainted dead away.

~*~

I was faint from hunger and the heat. The previous day's battle had left us all exhausted, but we knew it was going to continue today. Since I no longer protected the supply train, I didn't have easy access to food. In the pre-dawn light I found a small stream to refill my canteen. I didn't check upriver. I didn't want to know what might be in the water.

We gathered behind the main line of the infantry, ready to charge in as needed. Most of the day was spent preparing for battle, so the sun was high in the sky before Lee's army made its assault on our left flank. I was on the right.

Going up and down the line, I fought with other men. I could hear cries of "sabers"; must be they were out of ammunition and doing a full frontal attack. From my position I could see Rock Hill, or as some were calling it, Little Round Top. The fighting seemed to be fierce, with at least five regiments of Union soldiers facing even more Confederates.

My job was to deliver ammunition. I was an officer, if only a lieutenant, so they wanted to keep me intact. I was on the eastern side of the battle, and had only been having minor battles with the Rebs. It seemed they were waiting for something, but we didn't mind, since it allowed us time to gather rocks and build walls that the infantry could hide behind and shoot from.

It wasn't until after a supper of jerky and hardtack that we were attacked. Since we hadn't seen much action, many of our men had been moved west to help defend the positions there, leaving us woefully undermanned. The Rebs came at us with all they had. I no longer looked for the face of my friend; there simply wasn't time in the heat and confusion of battle. I only prayed to God he wasn't one of the men I shot that day.

We were pushed up the hill as they came at us, but managed to hold position behind the walls we had spent the day constructing. We probably wouldn't have been able to even hold that if it hadn't been for the arrival of two corps, whom we cheered when they came to give support.

As night fell, all I could think about was how I wanted to lay down and pull out Bella's picture to gaze on the face I loved. The face that was so far away. But an attack was being made just west of our position. Men rushed over as quickly as possible to render aid. Hours passed before we heard the shout for retreat, and it was at least another hour before we found out that those retreating were the Confederates.

I longed for sleep, but the cries of the wounded could be heard all over the battlefield. I teamed up with a few other men, unsaddled my horse and went in search of those we could help. Our guns were at the ready, since it wasn't uncommon to find wild dogs making a meal of the dead, and sometimes those not dead but unable to fight back. We found we could lay three men across the horse's back if we pushed them together. I made frequent trips to the hospital, and was even able to meet one of the surgeons, a Dr. Cullen, when he came once to assist me in getting the men down from the horse.

He asked me if I could stay and help him there, as he had been forced to order some of those good women who came to help to rest, but I refused, feeling I was needed on the field. He even offered me some water that one of the women had insisted on being set up in a cistern nearby. That I accepted, but was too tired to fetch it myself and so called to a young boy who seemed able to fetch it for me.

I saw a woman arise when the boy neared her, and from this distance she looked a good bit like Bella. I just shook my head. I really was dreaming on my feet. I took off my hat and ran my hand through my hair, scratching my scalp. I could feel the dirt and sweat in it and I wondered if it would ever be reddish again, or if it was stained permanently brown now. When the boy returned, I thanked him, jumped onto my horse bareback and returned to help in the finding of the wounded.

~*~

I was so tired, but when the boy came to me, asking for water for a soldier, I knew I had to get up and get it. I dragged myself off the cot and took the canteen. It was covered in dirt and blood so I made sure to wash the mouth off before filling it. I didn't bother with the rest. It would surely be covered again soon enough. I looked over to where the soldier waited, talking with Dr. Cullen. He was a good ways off, but when he took off his hat and ran his hand through his hair, the movement was so like my Edward's that I felt a sob rise in my throat.

I tore my eyes away, gave the now full canteen back to the boy and returned to my cot. Lying down, I thought about the day.

Alice had spent all her time giving aid to the enemy. "It's the Christian thing to do," she had argued. I knew better; she was smitten with Major Whitlock. It appeared he was with her as well. It didn't help matters that he had told her that Edward had mentioned her to him, saying they would get on well. As a result, I saw little of her. But I didn't mind. She was right; they needed to be looked after as well.

The day had been long and grueling. The morning was spent in tearing apart what sheets we could find to make bandages. We also were assisting those who could walk to move further away from the battle. This was both to protect them and to free up the area so today's wounded wouldn't have to travel so far.

Whenever I chanced a look out over the hills I could see men moving. I couldn't make out who was who, but knew they were preparing for battle. Around four in the afternoon, the sounds of fighting reached us. It was a short time before those who could move started to pour in. We never left our feet from that moment until long after midnight.

The saddest point of my day was when one soldier, who had been shot in the arm, came in carrying a man whose stomach had been gashed open and whose breath rattled. The man wounded in the arm was quickly patched to return to battle, but waited for his friend to die. "I knew he wouldn't make it," he had explained, "but I just couldn't leave him to die alone, surrounded by the enemy." When the final breath was drawn, I watched this good man sigh, wipe a tear, grab his gun, and head back out to fight.

Esme worked by her husband's side much of the day. It seemed she never faltered, never rested. I had awakened from my faint in her arms and clung to her as I cried myself out. I cried tears of heartache and pain from missing my husband. I cried tears of hope, knowing that up until about a month ago, he was well. I had kept my thoughts on Edward all day, which is probably why when I saw that soldier requesting water I so longed for him to be my love.

I had taken a moment at midday to spend time with Jacob and Nessie. My daughter was so happy to see me, and I felt I was neglecting her. Jacob chastised me for that, insisting she was fine and that I should attend to the wounded. I knew it was his way of helping in whatever way he was allowed. I was sad that so many looked down on him simply because of the color of his skin. I hoped that would one day change.

Now, though, I was bone-weary. The cot was uncomfortable, but an improvement over the ground. I rolled onto my side to get what sleep I could. Even a few hours would be better than none.

~*~

The morning before the anniversary of our nation's independence dawned to the sound of cannonade. I had gotten so little sleep over the last few days that I didn't know if I would ever feel rested again. The ground under my horse had been hard, but at least it was safe. My dreams had been filled with the woman I had seen last night. In my dreams she had been Bella and I hadn't resisted the urge to run to her, take her in my arms, and kiss her soundly, never to leave her side again. Oh, if only dreams were real.

Before noon we heard shots being fired to the four corners of the compass. Assuming it to be Stuart announcing his position to Lee, we quickly maneuvered to meet him. Our artillery opened up and demolished his guns in no time. Stuart's cavalry came over Cress Ridge to engage us. They came in a rush, their speed increasing as they came down the hill with sabers flashing in the sunlight, and I could hear some of the men speaking in admiration of their formation.

I could hear Custer calling to the men and we rode forward quickly. The coming together of the horses made a crash that resounded in the valley. I watched as horses were turned end over end, crushing their riders underneath. Some tried to jump those they were crashing into and were shot out from under their riders. Those unhorsed were engaging in hand to hand combat, sabers flashing, blinding us as we rode into the fray.

Within minutes my own horse was shot and faltered beneath me, throwing me to the ground. I quickly regained my feet, only to watch him run from the scene of battle. I hoped his wound wasn't deadly and he wouldn't have to be put down, but only fleetingly. I had managed to grab my rifle as I fell to the earth, and used the cutlass on the front to engage the enemy I was facing.

I quickly dispatched one man, stabbing him through his chest, and watching in numbness as he spit blood from his mouth. I quickly pulled my blade out to engage the next man, slicing through his arm, rendering him unable to continue. Looking around for my next assailant, I spied a Reb with a rifle raise his weapon to me. I raised mine as quickly as I could, and could feel the twin forces in my body as the kick from my rifle pushed against my shoulder, and a searing heat tore through my lower abdomen. As I fell, I could see that I had also hit my mark, red blood radiating from the right side of his chest as he also fell backwards.

The screams of horses and men started to fade as blackness sought to cover my eyes. I knew I couldn't give in and fought to stay alert. Of all the battles I had been in, this was one I had to win. For her.

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**Runs and hides...**

**Review? Please?**


	19. Chapter 19 Going to Sleep

**SM owns the characters, I own the plot.**

**Whenpoetryrises made sure this still fit the story. I save all her edits, because they make me smile.**

**This is the original one-shot. If you haven't read it yet, I'll warn you it's at least a three hanky chapter. For those who have, let me know if you can catch what I changed...**

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Chapter 19 – Going to Sleep

Pain. I needed something to help me forget the pain. Why was I here? On a battlefield, in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, feeling my life force drain from me slowly? This wasn't where I wanted to be as the last sleep I would ever enter came over me. I wanted to be with _her_. I forced my mind to think only of my memories of her.

_We had just moved from Chicago, traveling by wagon across the plains and Rockies, on the westward expansion. So many were heading to Washington Territory to settle. Promises of land where everything grew with ease. Promises of gold flowing in rivers. Promises from the governor that he would be the first judge in Seattle, which drew my father to leave his law practice and head west with the others to help with homesteading. _

_I was so young at the time. _

_I remember walking with Alice to the one-room school house where I saw her for the first time. She was sitting alone on a bench, working out figures on her slate when we walked in. The teacher, Mr. Banner, had sat Alice next to her since they were of an age, giving me a reason to look over there the whole day long. Her hair was tied up on the sides with a dark blue ribbon, keeping it out of her heart-shaped face, and in a long braid down her back. Her eyes were soft and brown, intent upon her work, except for when they happened to glance up and catch me staring. Then they were startled, her ivory skin coloring into a lovely blush as she shyly looked away._

_I remembered seeking her out at recess. The sun behind her made her hair glow, the blended colors of brown and auburn making her skin seem even more porcelain. She was laughing as she skipped rope with the other girls, her face alight with joy. Alice was with her, certainly that was a good enough reason to approach? But the other boys were calling my name, wanting me to wrestle with them. I didn't want them to think I didn't want to be friends, so I wandered over._

_I sat across from a comely looking boy and remembered his name was Michael, and that his father owned the general store in town. I was able to pull him quickly, and as we waited our turn to test ourselves against the others, we talked. It was he who told me the name of the girl who had caught my eye. Actually, he had told me the names of all the girls, pointing them out, but it was only hers I cared about. Her name was beautiful; fitting for a girl as lovely as she. He then assisted me in remembering the names of the other boys in the group, for which I was grateful. I didn't want them to think me slow. _

_I had been doing well in the wrestling, able to throw many of the boys there. Only once did I lose, because I had heard her. She was close by, watching the contest with the other girls, discussing the possible outcomes with my sister. I had wanted to impress her, and so was showing off, knowing she was watching me. Since my focus was on her, and not the task before me, I was unobservant when the call came to begin, and was easily thrown. The shock and pain mirrored in her eyes that resulted when I was thrown against that rock, causing a cut above my eyebrow, was my undoing. It had bled furiously and she had almost fainted dead away! Yet she still came over to clean me up, ripping away part of her petticoat to use as a cloth._

_My sister came over afterward and tsked at me over my carelessness. I just asked her about the girl. Were they friends already? What was she like? Oh, how Alice teased me then…_

Someone near me cried out in agony, rousing me from my thoughts. I slowly, painfully, reached up and touched the scar above my brow, smiling in spite of the pain as I remembered her care and concern over my wound. She didn't know I was wounded now, and would be beside herself with worry if she did.

Seceding from these United States was wrong; I simply had to go join the fight. Even now the thought of traveling thousands of miles from my regiment was a small burden to attempt to ensure the solidarity of the union my grandfather had fought for. I remembered joining up with the Washington 1st Regiment, but since they would never be deployed east to where the fighting was, I requested a transfer. I was so happy to be sent to The Army of the Potomac, arriving shortly after the Chancellorsville Campaign at the end of May.

A spasm pulled me from my ruminations on what brought me to this place. While I knew I was right to come, it wasn't what I wanted to have as my last thoughts on earth. I wanted them to be of her.

_We were adults now and she was wearing her hair up. She had it wrapped in a snood, with a ribbon that matched her dress. It was fall and the harvest dance was being held. Alice had her come to our house to dress, having ordered dresses from Paris, one of which Alice had assured her would work. Granted the dresses were ordered when we lived in Chicago a year before, and so were last season, but no one here knew that. They had been designed by Charles Frederick Worth, and had cost my father a fortune. The dresses had very wide, bell-like skirts, with layers of crinolines underneath, causing them to rustle as they walked. There were layers of ruffles down the skirt, enhancing the fullness of it, and smallness of her slight waist. The necklines were low and revealing, the sleeves short. Her dress was a blue silk with a black lace overlay that shimmered as she walked. She had on short, fingerless lace gloves, allowing her smooth arms and long fingers to show. Her dance card hung from her wrist and a square shawl, folded diagonally, was across her shoulders to ward off the chill. While my sister looked pretty, she was beautiful._

_I was escorting both of them to the dance. I remembered when I asked her if any man had caught her eye and she had glanced at me, blushed, and indicated that perhaps one had. Had _I_ caught her eye? Was she as interested in me as I was in her? I thought of our talks. We had discussed Shakespeare, Longfellow, Ibsen and Holmes. We debated the rising Republican Party and their platforms, and the politics behind the Opium War and the Taiping Rebellion. She had said how foolish she thought the rushes for gold were, since money was not a source of happiness. When pressed she indicated, with a blush, that familial love was, in her opinion, the greatest source. I knew of her deep intellect; oh how I worried if she thought the same of me._

_Upon arriving at the dance I could hear the strains of a Minuet. Surely this was done to appease the older generation. I asked her for her dance card, inquiring how many I was allowed to take. What rapture filled my heart when she indicated, with a blush that lit her face and continued down to her bosoms, that all could be mine. I smiled at her and declared that it was my greatest wish. As the strains of a waltz filled the air, I took her gently into my arms and into the ballroom. Having her there was pure heaven. I had eyes only for her the entire night. How she giggled as we attempted a Polka! How flushed was her skin at the end! How I wished to have her flush for different reasons. _

_I pulled her from the ballroom as the orchestra took a break, asking if she needed refreshment. At her agreement I proceeded to the punch bowl, getting her a cup. She waited for me out on the balcony, where the cool night air caused her flesh to raise. I handed her the cup, asking if she required her shawl. She told me she was still warm enough, but smiled as I stepped closer to lend my warmth to her. Oh, how I longed to wrap my arms about her! How I desired to touch more than her slim waist and delicate hand! As I glanced down I could see the top of her corset, and the lace of her chemise. The hunger building in me embarrassed me. I wondered; could she see the evidence of my desire for her? _

_She looked up at me and gasped. As I looked into her eyes, I could discern desire forming there as well. Or, was I mistaken? Did she want me as much as I wanted her? Not only intellectually, but also physically? How would she react if I touched her? Caressed her? Kissed her? I continued to stare into her eyes, hoping to find the answer there. Dared I attempt it? How my heart raced in an extreme mixture of fear and desire. What would I do if she rejected me? Asked that we simply remain as friends? _

_I saw determination fix in her gaze and felt as her small hand reached for mine. We had touched innocently before, and there had always been a surge of feeling at the touch, but this time it was different. As her fingers came in contact with mine, I felt a fire build from the site. It traveled up my arm, into my heart, and down to my groin. My breathing deepened, and I could see that hers had as well. I saw the pulse point in her throat, and it seemed to have sped up. As the fingers of my right hand wrapped around those of her left, I lifted my other hand to touch her face. I lightly caressed her cheekbone with my fingertips, my lips jealous of their contact. _

_My right hand let loose of hers and reached around her waist. I wanted her closer to me. I wanted to feel the rise and fall of her breathing against my chest. As she stepped nearer she tilted her face up to mine. She hadn't rejected my touch, and in fact seemed to continue to invite it. I leaned my head in closer to hers, watching the emotions on her face and in her eyes. The fire I saw and felt continued to build between us as I lowered my lips to hers. _

_I felt her rise up on her toes in order to reach me better. She wanted this as much as I did! With great happiness, I touched her lips with my own, my eyes sliding closed with the contact. She tasted as she smelled, like strawberries and cream. I longed to touch my tongue to hers, to see if it was different, but was afraid of rushing her. I schooled myself to be happy with just the kiss. _

_I now felt her arms reach around my waist. One small hand was traveling up to my shoulder to pull me closer. I thought I heard a whisper…_

I could hear the man that had cried out before. His cries had quieted but his breathing now rattled. My own was growing more labored, but at least thoughts of her were helping the pain die down. I could hear those afar off, who were searching among the dead for the wounded. I doubted they would find my neighbor prior to his demise. Would they find me? Would I expire without ever seeing her face again?

That thought brought great pain, unlike the agony of my body. This caused my chest to heave, and my heart to rend. I thought of her letters in my coat pocket, along with a daguerreotype of her and our infant daughter. I remembered receiving the picture last Christmas. I pulled it from my pocket and opened it up. Even if she wasn't smiling, I could still make out the twinkle in her eye. The gold they used to highlight the pupils did not detract from that look of love. In her letter she stated that she hated the picture, but had it done for me, to keep her with me. She said it was so I wouldn't forget her when I was so far away. As if I ever could.

She had given birth while I was stationed in Walla Walla with the Washington 1st Regiment. My daughter's birth had spurred me on to join more fully in this war. I wanted my daughter to be proud of me. I wanted her to have a poppa that could tell her stories of heroism and valor. Now I wondered if she would know a poppa at all.

The man nearby drew his last breath. He released it with a long sigh, entering his final rest. I wondered how long it had been since the battle. How many hours had I spent lying here, hoping to be found and rescued from this field of death? I thought of the man I had shot. Even through the deafening noise of gunpowder, cannon blasts, and screams of horses and the wounded I could hear the bullet hit my abdomen. I saw as mine hit him in the chest. Would he die before I did? Was he the man whose last breath I had just heard? If I recovered, would I ever be able to put the horror of that moment behind me? The fear of having that thought, of seeing his blood running down his side, as the last of my life pushed me into another memory.

_She was resplendent in her white gown. I stood in my new suit coat, waiting at the nave of the church. She was on her father's arm, walking at an agonizingly slow pace toward me. The white lace fell from her shoulders, meeting in a v at her waist. From there it split down her skirt, that layer ending half way down. Layers of white ruffles descended from there to the floor. She had on long, elegant white gloves, covering her arms. Her hair was caught up in a white snood made of velvet adorned with pearls, with a white ribbon runched on the crown of her head. The front of her hair was wavy, parted in the middle. _

_The Reverend Weber was standing by my side. I remembered my discussions with him about heaven and hell. He had said to me that death to the righteous was like falling asleep, and we would awake on the other side with those whom we love that had preceded us in death. I wanted to be that kind of man. I wanted to forever be with this beautiful woman who was walking towards me. Whether I died before her, or she before me, I wanted to fall into that sleep knowing that we would be reunited on the other side eventually._

_Her father placed her hand in mine and we were married before God and man. All of the words washed over me and I know I responded as I should have at the right moments, but all I remembered was her. The look of love on her face and the joy in her eyes as tears slid down her cheeks sealed my heart to hers far more surely than the words we spoke that day. I was caught up in her eyes, surprised when she smirked at me and reached up to place her lips on mine, sealing our vows with a kiss. I wrapped my arms about her waist, pulling her in, drowning in her love. I felt as her arms came around my neck, pulling me closer, pressing in with her lips, touching mine with her tongue. I think we would have stayed like that if not for the snickers coming from the congregation._

_She blushed as I unwrapped her arms from around my neck, propelling her to our well-wishers. Our families had set up a party in celebration of our union. I remember little of the celebration that started with a dinner. My sister had done an excellent job being in charge of the celebration, as neither my love nor I had cared all that much beyond the fact that we would be wed. After dinner we danced through the evening. Occasionally dancing with others; me with my mother, her with her father, but always returning to each other. I vowed in my heart at that moment that that was how it would always be for us. Obligations may pull us apart from time to time, but we would always return to each other. _

_At the end of the evening, my sister came to collect her as we waltzed on the dance floor. Actually, I wasn't aware if we were still dancing, being wrapped up with the feeling of her lips on mine as we swayed. Since my sister wasn't moving as she spoke with us, I imagine that we must not be moving either. I wasn't willing to let her go, but Alice threatened me that she would ruin the surprise of our honeymoon so I reluctantly relinquished my bride. _

_She was returned to me in a dark blue traveling gown, a long jacket over her shoulders. She kissed my mother, hugged her father, and then allowed me to help her into the carriage. My best team of six was pulling my father's best carriage, ensuring speedy travel to our destination. As I held the reins in one hand, I reached over and took her hand with my other. After asking as to her comfort, she assured me she was fine. I could see her shiver, even though the summer evening was warm, and reached back for a blanket for her to drape over herself. She would never tell me of discomfort, so I knew I had to be vigilant in observing her. I did refuse, however, to disclose our ultimate destination. Knowing she had never been outside of the immediate area, I was able to conceal it from her. I loved to surprise her, even while she complained about being surprised._

_We arrived at a small home on the beach after traveling for a number of hours. She had fallen asleep along the way, even with the jolting of the carriage over the bumpy highway. I wanted her to sleep; she would need her energy once we were inside. I gently awoke her, letting her know we were here. She looked at the cabin, then at me, and blushed fully. _

_I thought about how innocent she was. She was exactly as innocent as I was. Since I had loved her always, I would never do anything to tarnish her reputation. All of my courting had been chaperoned. Even stolen kisses had been watched over by Alice, lest we become too aroused in the midst of our ardor. Since the first kiss at the dance I was careful of how far I had allowed us to progress in our physical relationship. While it wasn't unheard of for girls to be pregnant when they married, I would never allow anything like that to happen to her. Since no other woman had ever caught my eye, and I had been young when I first sighted her, there had been no one for me to learn from either._

_Knowing this night was upon us, I remembered quietly asking my father for advice. His instructions were so basic, and probably the least helpful was when he told me to wait for her to be ready. I would know of her readiness from the sounds she made, and the wetness between her legs, he informed me. How embarrassed I was when he warned me that if she were dry, it would be even more painful. He spoke of her hymen, and how it had to be broken. This would cause her pain, but if I had prepared her fully the pain would be less. _

_He had refused to elaborate on how to prepare her, though, indicating that would be uncomfortable for me, knowing that he had been that way with my mother. So I had turned to our driver and my friend, Emmett. I knew that he and his girl, Rosalie, had been intimate frequently, for he had boasted of it to me. In my heart I still wondered if my bride would be interested in some of the things he told me, and I knew I would never ask her to do other things he described, even if I thought they sounded…intriguing. He assured me that she would respond favorably to many things, and how he laughed that I would be a fool to not ask for the others. I had decided to go slowly, wanting to spare her any lingering pain, and ensure her enjoyment of the evening._

_I handed the reins off to the groomsman and jumped from the carriage. Reaching up, I gathered her in my arms, carrying her across the threshold into the house. I could hear the waves lapping quietly down at the shore through the double doors leading from the bedroom. As I set her on her feet I noticed that her blush deepened, and looked down into her eyes. While she was feeling timid and shy I could also see the burn of desire, which only served to add fuel to my own fire. I could feel myself harden and strain, and quickly chastised my body for its reaction. I must be slow. I must be careful. She is delicate and lovely and I wanted no harm to come to her. _

_I reached up under her chin and undid the ribbons to her bonnet. As she trembled beside me I carefully removed the ribbons holding the snood on, releasing her hair down her back in soft mahogany waves. The feel of its weight as I ran my hand through it, carefully removing pins, shot desire through me in force. My fingers trailed down, unclasping the tie of her jacket and sliding it down her shoulders, catching it in my hands behind her back. _

_I could hear the manservant carrying our luggage into the house and so went to meet him in the front room, leaving her to wash up from our journey. After thanking and paying him, I dismissed him from the home, asking for breakfast to be brought around midmorning of the next day, declining any late night dinner tonight. He gave me a grandfatherly smile and wished me luck. I nervously thanked him and he laughed, clapping me on the shoulder and assuring me that all would be well. He reminded me that there have been wedding nights since Adam married Eve, and no one had died from one yet. I sincerely hoped he was right._

_I returned to the bedroom, removing my coat and vest. I had undone my cravat, and unbuttoned the top buttons of my shirt by the time I could see her in the mirror over the wash basin. She had brushed out her hair, leaving it in long waves down her back, and removed her gloves. She was using a cloth to wash her face and neck. The sight of the cloth running down her throat caused my trousers to become more uncomfortable, but I was undone by watching as a trickle of water escaped the cloth and ran down between her breasts. What I wouldn't give to be that trickle of water!_

I could hear movement nearby. Whether it was man or beast, I could not ascertain. I knew men must be coming closer now, as they continued their search for the wounded. I also knew that it wasn't uncommon to find corpses partially eaten by the predators that were drawn to the scent of blood on the battlefield. I could only hope it was the former, and not the latter.

It was becoming more difficult to stay awake. I was afraid of falling asleep, lest I venture into that last sleep that Reverend Weber had described to me. To what would I awake? Who would be waiting on the other side for me? It wouldn't be her, for she was safely ensconced at our home in Washington. Sighing, I returned to the only source of happiness I could find in this dreary, godforsaken place.

_I came up behind her, placing my hands on her waist. I enquired if she needed assistance with her dress and she informed me that Alice had done it up for her, blushingly adding that she didn't think she could undo the corset on her own. I willingly moved to the small buttons on the back, slowly undoing them one by one. My fingers were lightly stroking her skin as I continued my journey downwards, watching as her flesh raised anew under their tips. Once all the buttons were undone, I slipped the dress from her shoulders, pulling the drawstring that held on her crinolines, allowing them to pool with the dress on the floor. I looked at her from behind, in her knickers, chemise and corset. She bent to gather the dress, explaining that she didn't want it to wrinkle, but I told her to leave it, knowing the maid would iron it in the morning for her. _

_I reached down to her waist, pulling the ties of her corset, slowly loosening the stays. I wasn't surprised to find that the garment actually changed her figure very little. It was tight around her, but in reality only served to support her breasts, which I could glimpse over her shoulder. Once it was opened enough, I slid it down over her hips, allowing it to rest on top of her dress. I then turned her to face me._

_She was blushing furiously and asked if I needed help as well. Laughing, I allowed her to open the buttons of my shirt. The feeling of her fingers on my chest caused me to harden painfully as they went lower. I didn't know if I would be able to last long enough to get her clothes the rest of the way off, much less bring her any pleasure. She pushed my shirt off my shoulders and started on the buttons of my trousers. I didn't know how much more of her tentative touches I could take so I ended up pushing them down and kicking them off quickly. As we stood there, in our undergarments, I decided I needed to kiss her. I spoke her name reverently, and bowed my lips down to hers._

_The feeling of standing there in so little clothing, knowing she was mine, with my lips on hers, helped push my fears aside. I gathered her up in my arms, sweeping one behind her knees, and lifted her. She gave a little squeak in shock, and then giggled nervously as I carried her to the bed. I placed her gently on the ticking, grateful for the down mattress that had been laid above the straw. I spoke to her of my love as I began again to kiss her, allowing my lips to follow the trail the droplet of water had taken earlier. _

_I could hear her breathing increase as I pushed aside her chemise in order to go lower. My hands reached down and gathered the material up to her waist. Looking into her eyes for permission, and finding it there, I slowly lifted and removed the garment, revealing her perfect breasts to me. They were perfectly sized; I reached out, touching her, encompassing the entire breast in my hand. I could feel her hardened nipple against my palm, and we both moaned as I squeezed lightly. I looked to her other breast and, licking my lips, dipped my head down to draw the nipple into my mouth. I heard her gasp loudly, but couldn't remove my lips from her as I was relishing in her taste. _

_I glanced up to her eyes to see her looking down at me with fire and desire. Encouraged by her reaction, I allowed my hand to trail down across her stomach to the drawstring of her knickers. I quickly pulled the string, loosening them. I was surprised when she reached down and helped me to remove them, surprised that she was as excited for this as I was. She had always been so demure; to see her as a vixen was a shock, and headily liberating. I felt her hands roam down my chest to my own undergarment, laughing lightly as she struggled with the fastenings. Her sound of frustration and kittenish glare snapped me out of my frivolity and I made quick work of the rest of my own clothing. Finally, we were fully exposed to each other. If I had ever thought her lovely before, there were no words to describe her now._

_I reached down to her sex and could already feel her wetness. My father had told me that this was all that was needed, but Emmett had explained that if I wanted her to enjoy this as much as I did, then there was more to do. Following his instruction, I slipped my fingers between her folds, feeling the nub he had described, and started to rub it. Her moans indicated that I was doing this correctly, and I looked up from what my hand was doing to see her face. Her eyes were closed and her breathing was heavy, causing her breasts to rise and fall. I couldn't resist and lowered my face back to her breast, sucking her nipple in again, tasting her flesh. Her moans increased and I felt her hand slide back down my abdomen to my erection. I groaned as I felt her small hand encase me, squeezing me gently. _

_I felt the muscles of my stomach begin to contract; Emmett had warned me of this, that I might have trouble holding out for her since it was my first time. He had told me to think of something else, but nothing could pull my attention from the angel before me. I felt her stiffen, and then heard a loud moan escape her lips. This was the moment he had told me to wait for. Now, she was truly ready for me. _

_I rolled over on top of her, spreading her thighs with my legs, aware of her heavy breathing. I angled myself so that I was at her entrance and slowly pushed in. Her eyes snapped open, looking at me. I saw signs of discomfort on her face and began to withdraw, but she wrapped one of her legs around mine, pulling me in. I complied slowly, allowing her to stretch to encompass me, watching for signs of pain. Stopping when I felt her barrier, I waited for a sign from her to continue. She breathed deeply and started to relax. Looking at me, she nodded. I took her lips in a kiss as I thrust past this obstacle. _

_Her loud gasp around our joined lips told me of her pain, and I opened my eyes to see a small tear escape the corner of one of hers. I halted my movement and waited for her to gather herself. She responded affirmatively when I asked of her welfare and, a couple minutes later, I felt her begin to move her hips under mine. Knowing I wouldn't last long, I tried to gently thrust into her. I knew she was still hurting, so I wouldn't want to prolong her pain. I looked upon her as I continued, amazed at the depth of love I felt as we consummated our union. _

_How I had hoped that this joining of our love would bring forth life. How long, I had wondered, before I had a living and breathing representation of the love we shared? I hoped it was soon. The joy I felt in the thought of having a child with this amazing woman overwhelmed me. I felt my stomach muscles clench strongly as I reached my peak, providing the essence that would hopefully bring about this much desired outcome._

_I pulled out of her and rolled from her, keeping my eyes trained upon her face. Breathing deeply, I took her chin in my hand and turned her to look at me. With a kiss I again declared my love for her and heard as she responded the same to me. Upon questioning she assured me once again of her welfare, and I wrapped my arms about her, as we drifted to sleep._

Sleep. I could feel its pull on me desperately now. I knew I would succumb eventually, but it was too soon. Would this be the one from which I would never awaken? I felt a pull on my arms, and started. I couldn't open my eyes to investigate what had hold of me, but could feel hands on my body, reassuring me as to the nature of the creature in whose grip I found myself. I felt myself being lifted to a stretcher and carried, I assumed, to the hospital.

A deeper darkness than just my closed eyes was descending on me. As much as I fought against it, I now knew the time had come to relinquish my tenuous hold on consciousness. As I let go, and allowed myself to drift away, I heard a voice call out. It was a voice I longed to hear; sweet, soft, full of love, as it said only one word.

"Edward."

Fighting back against the darkness, I answered.

"Bella."

Then I let go, and fell to sleep.

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**Next chapter on Tuesday!**

**Now, I almost never do this, but go read Volition by Rochelle Allison. It's on my favorites list. I think. I'm always forgetting to update that thing.**

PS - Still no grandbaby.


	20. Chapter 20 Found

**Stephenie Meyer's characters, my plot.**

**Like you're going to read anything I have written here...**

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Chapter 20 – Found

The battle had raged around us all day. At first, only those who were ambulatory made it to the hospital. Esme had taken to helping Alice with the confederate wounded. "Ours is the errand of angels," she declared. "We must do that which is humane, especially in times of war, to cheer all men, regardless of affiliation." And so she left her husband's side to tend to them. While she wasn't as skilled as Carlisle, she had been by his side often enough to serve almost as well in his stead. She took Alice under her wing to train her in the proper care of those who fell under her auspices.

Luckily, Alice's Major Whitlock, while he had been shot through in the leg, did not seem to be too poorly off. The bullet had cauterized the wound as it had passed through, and even though he couldn't walk on it, he was healing remarkably well. He even rose, and with the aid of a crutch, assisted Esme and Alice in whatever he was able.

Carlisle then pulled me to his side to act in Esme's stead. After two days of blood and gore, I found that I was fully inured to the smell. The gunpowder still burned my nose as it wafted on the breeze that blew through the tent. While the scent was unwelcome, the cooling movement of the air was a blessing. I had my sleeves rolled up, my collar unbuttoned, and was desirous of shedding my petticoats to get some relief. But I dared not complain, for the men waiting for attention fared far worse than I. Many died as they waited. It was my job to administer chloroform to the men to anesthetize them before amputating a limb or trying to repair damage done by cutlasses. I tried to not let their screams to try to save the limb instead of severing it from their bodies bother me.

Carlisle and I took the time to speak as we worked to distract my mind from what I was doing. I learned that they also had a home in Erie, Pennsylvania, and had traveled here when he was called to assist with the wounded in the war. He asked me many questions about Washington Territory, and indicated that he had thought of moving there. I invited them to our home, and he invited us to his. I was sure we would have to take him up on his offer, at least for the winter.

I was exhausted when the sun set that day but knew we would be working through the night. I smiled in appreciation when some other volunteer came and offered me a glass of sweet tea. It wasn't something I was used to, but I appreciated the drink and the energy it gave me.

The sun had set when the soldiers started coming in with men on stretchers, carried from the ambulances. They laid them out like cords of wood along the ground, waiting their turn. Many would die before we got to them, and we tried in vain to shut our ears to their cries. I was about to fall over with the need for sleep when Carlisle told me to go rest. I felt guilty about sleeping as he continued to work and so I went and filled some canteens with water to take to those waiting to be attended to.

Up and down the rows of men I wandered. If a man were dead, I called a corpsman to remove him to where the corpses were. If a man were alive, and awake, I offered him some water. Carlisle had warned me to not allow too much, as it could cause them more problems, but a few sips was all right. I made sure to look closely at each and every man, just in case he was my Edward. I longed to see him, but not here. Not in this place of pain and death.

I glanced over to the wounded enemy and saw Alice sleeping next to her Reb. I knew she wouldn't be separated from him. At lunch time she had told me that he was the one she had been waiting for. I knew better than to question her. She had declared it was to be that way, and so that was the way it was. Apparently, the good major seemed to be in agreement. He had already agreed to travel to Washington with us, since he had no family left in Texas. I suppose we were his family now. I had no quarrel with him, especially since he had been friends with Edward.

It was now well past midnight, and they were still bringing in the wounded. I had completed my rounds of giving water to the men that were already laid out, and so attended to them as they arrived. Man after man arrived in a never ending stream. Hundreds upon hundreds of men had been wounded, and were overtaxing our abilities to keep up. I could see a couple of men bringing in a stretcher in the distance. There weren't too many following. Surely I could rest after this one made it to the area?

I had begun assessing the men as they came in. Carlisle had shown me what to look for to determine who could be saved and who couldn't. At first I cried over every man I had to sentence to death. If only we had more help. If only we had more equipment. If only there was a way to replace the blood that was flowing from their bodies.

I forced my mind to numbness so the despair couldn't overtake me. I had to be objective. I couldn't look too closely at their faces, lest I feel a surge of sympathy at this one's youth, or that one's resemblance to another loved one, or another's wedding ring, knowing I was condemning another woman to widowhood. A fate I greatly feared for myself.

The lagging stretcher I had marked as my last was making its journey up the hill. I had made a promise to myself, to that man, in my heart, that I would see to him. Only then would I allow sleep to claim me. But why did they have to take so long? I could feel the weariness creep up my legs. My feet ached, and my back felt worse than it had when I was nine months pregnant!

With that thought, my mind turned to Nessie. Jacob had taken her back to Harrisburg the previous day. A battlefield was no place for a child, and the Cullens had that apartment there. They turned the keys over to Jacob, entrusting its care to him. Esme had decided that if I could trust him with my child, she could surely trust him with her apartment. I had been two full days away from her, but at least I was sure she was safe. I had received a wire from him the night before indicating they had arrived.

The last stretcher was only about one hundred feet away now. From this distance it looked like the soldier I had gotten water for the night before. The one that had moved like Edward. Only, his hair had been so much darker. I watched as it came closer and closer, and was surprised to think of how he even slept like Edward. The rising and falling of his chest seemed so familiar, like my nights of watching him sleep when the tossing of Nessie in my stomach had awakened me.

I had loved to watch him sleep then. He was so peaceful. Sometimes I had been tempted to awaken him to sing to the baby so I could get back to sleep, but he had needed his rest and I did so love to watch him sleep. Just like the man on the stretcher.

I shook my head, trying to rid myself of these thoughts. It seemed my dreams of Edward were now invading my consciousness. I desired to be near him so much that I was attributing his characteristics to the poor man being carried up the hill. I closed my eyes, just for the moment, listening to them approach. I could hear the crunch of their boots on the gravel over the moans of the men that hadn't fallen to sleep. I focused on it, knowing I could finally rest myself once they had arrived. I so wished they would hurry. I was so tired.

The men carrying the stretcher finally reached me, and one shook my shoulder to wake me saying, "Ma'am, where should we put him. He's shot through the stomach." I raised myself wearily from where I had slumped on the ground to look at his wound. It wasn't pretty. It was a draw of whether we could save him or not, and with all the men waiting, should I really risk another's life when this man's was so tenuous? I sighed heavily, knowing where I would send him. To rest and await death with the others. I pulled up the canteen to offer him some water when I looked upon his face.

My hand began to tremble as I lost my grip on the canteen. It _was_ Edward! _My_ Edward. I had been so close last night, and now he lay before me shot through! My breathing became ragged as I tried to suck in great lungfulls of air that seemed to do no good. The canteen crashed to the ground, spraying water over all nearby, but I was heedless of it as I reached out and cried, "Edward!"

"Bella –" I heard him whisper as his hand reached out. I grasped it quickly, pulling it to my lips.

"Edward! Edward! Speak to me!" My tears ran down my face in sheets as I screamed to him. From the corner of my eye I could see Alice running towards me, Esme hot on her heels. "Oh, Edward," I sobbed, feeling my fatigue wash over me in torrents as the pain of seeing him this way robbed me of what little vitality I had left. My knees gave out, but my hand still grasped his as I sank to the ground.

"Ma'am! Ma'am! You must let go or you'll topple him!" the soldiers carrying his stretcher warned me. "Let us put him down. Where do you want him?"

"Over on the surgical table," I heard Carlisle answer from behind me. "Alice, take Bella. Esme, would you please attend me?"

I could feel Esme trying to free Edward's hand from my grip. "Let go, Bella. Carlisle will take care of him. You must let us save him." I allowed Edward's hand to be pulled from mine, and barely heard Alice's sounds of comfort as she pulled me away from where they were preparing to perform surgery on Edward.

I couldn't stay away. I had to help! I tried to break from Alice and go over there, but she caught me and whispered frantically in my ear, "No Bella! You'll only be in the way. You can't control your emotions. Let them care for him!"

"Alice, if I hadn't looked at his face I would have sent him to await death! How many have I sent there, knowing there might be a woman somewhere who would be suffering the same anguish I now feel!" I sobbed to her. "Oh, Alice, what if he dies?"

"Bella, you must calm yourself. Carlisle has taken him before the others. If any can save him, Carlisle can. You must have faith!" I could see tears were streaking down her face as well. I had forgotten that she loved Edward nearly as I did, since they were so close. And yet, here she stood comforting me! I was torn over my need to comfort her and to simply fall apart. "Bella," she continued, "you haven't slept. You must get some rest so you have the strength to care for him when he awakes." I realized she had been pulling me along towards where a tent had been set up for the women who were helping in the hospital. Most of us didn't want to go in there due to the heat, but I was so physically exhausted from work, so emotionally distraught over seeing Edward wounded and so spiritually overwrought from all the death and destruction around me that I allowed her to lead me to a cot in the tent and lay me upon it.

Sleep eluded me. I could hear Alice tossing on her cot beside mine, but couldn't bring myself to speak. I reached out my hand and took hers into my grip. She latched on to me, and our physical connection was all the support we needed to pass the time until we heard the outcome.

Hours passed and we waited. I knew Carlisle must be done by now and was simply waiting to see how Edward responded before letting me know. I watched the stars rotate past the tent opening, my mind blank. I couldn't allow thoughts. They always turned to despair. In order to maintain any glimmer of hope I had pushed all that arose away.

And yet, it had been so long. Alice had fallen to sleep a couple hours ago, her hand still tightly gripping mine. I looked over to see her with a smile on her face. Surely she was dreaming of Jasper. I was happy for her. Edward and I had worried that she might never find someone to wed.

_Edward_.

Tears formed again and I felt them trail down the side of my face into my hair as I continued to stare out the tent flap. I felt so helpless. I felt so lost. My whole purpose in coming here was to find him, and I had. What if it hadn't been me that he had been brought to? Would I have even known? What if he didn't survive? I had to go on for my child, this I knew, but I most certainly would lose the greater part of me. My fears collided in my mind, bouncing around like giant battering rams to my hope.

I started when I felt a hand on my ankle. Sitting up abruptly I could see Esme's face in the pale, pre-dawn light. "Come with me," she whispered, trying to not wake Alice, "Carlisle would like to speak to you. And before you bombard me with questions, I will tell you Edward still lives." Relief flooded me until she added, "But, we don't know if he will pull through yet."

I pulled my hand from Alice's grip and followed her to where Carlisle was washing blood from his hands. Edward's blood. The sight of the water running red caused another sob to catch in my throat. I swallowed it down. The time for crying was over. I had to be strong. I had seen the difference it made to many soldiers when their wives had pushed them to recovery. I would be the same kind of woman. I would be his strength until he regained his own.

"How bad?" I whispered to Carlisle.

He looked up at me and seemed to make a decision. "Not good." He sighed heavily before continuing. "The bullet entered into his right hip. It passed through the muscles of his lower abdomen, and lodged at the top of the back of his left leg. Thankfully it was hot enough to cauterize the tissue as it passed through and seemed to miss his entrails. I was able to cut into his leg from behind and remove the lead, as well as the material it had carried through his body from his trousers." He then hesitated, taking another deep breath. Squaring his shoulders he continued, "Bella, you need to know that his hip was broken by the bullet in two places, the top right and bottom left. It seems to have missed his spine, but even so he may never walk again. Also, he may not be able to have any more children, or even be able to perform his duties as a husband." He said the last with a look, questioning if I understood the meaning he implied. I did, and nodded to let him know.

"I've managed to cauterize where I cut him open, so that should heal well. He is still sleeping off the effects of the chloroform, and so, as you know, will wake with quite a nasty headache." He fixed his gaze on me firmly before continuing, "He is an officer, and as such is entitled to special treatment. I have called for an ambulance to transport him, along with you and his sister, to Harrisburg. You _will_ stay at Esme's and my apartment there. You _will_ have a local physician assigned to you. Typhoid and dysentery are running amok in the local hospital, and he cannot afford to be exposed if you expect him to live, so you will not argue with me about this.

"Also, Esme has told me of Alice's fondness for the confederate. I understand that he was also friend to your husband?" he enquired, waiting for my acknowledgment. I gave it with a nod, "Then he will join you at our apartment." A smirk cracked his serious demeanor, "I trust you can be an adequate chaperone for your sister?" Again, I merely nodded. "Good. Now, it is safe to travel again. It seems Lee is in retreat. I don't want Esme exposed to those diseases either, and so she will be traveling with you." He came and placed his hands on my shoulders and whispered to me, "Be strong, Bella. He needs that now more than anything."

All I could do was hang my head and whisper, "Thank you," hoping to infuse it with all the gratitude I felt in the depth of my soul. I knew it was still uncertain if Edward would survive. Many men, having been shot by those horrid minnie balls seemed to be fine, only to die of bone sickness or surgical fevers afterwards. I knew it was imperative to keep Edward fed and clean.

I woke Alice, and told her all that Carlisle had told me. I then went to supervise the men loading him into the ambulance. They balked when Alice came up with a hobbling Jasper, but she quickly put them in their place, brooking no argument. Jasper promised to watch over Edward on their journey to Harrisburg, to which the men grumbled that he was probably just as likely to slit Edward's throat, and hoisted himself inside the carriage.

Esme, Alice and I climbed into a carriage and followed them out. My pain at the thought of following my possibly dying husband was tempered by the knowledge that he wasn't dead yet, and I would see my daughter again soon. It had been three days since I had been parted from her. I was anxious to see and hold her again.

The trip north was long and dismal. The miasma of the air cleared as we left the battlefield behind, only to be replaced with the heavy humidity and the realization that we all smelled of gunpowder and blood. I was determined that after greeting my child, and seeing Edward settled, I would be sinking into a cool tub to cleanse away the horrors I had left behind and bolster my spirit for the horror before me.

We arrived at their apartment to find Jacob and Nessie waiting for us on the stoop. As soon as she saw me, Nessie squirmed out of Jacob's arms and ran straight for me as fast as her chubby toddler legs could carry her. I ran most of the distance and scooped her up with a laugh, delighted to hold her once again. As I began kissing her face she pulled away from me, scrunching up her nose. "Does mommy need to bathe?" I laughed and she nodded solemnly. "I will child, but now you need to let me take care of your daddy."

"Da-da?" she questioned to me, then turned her attention to see Jasper crawling from the back of the ambulance. She patted my shoulder and pointed to him. "Da-da?" she questioned.

"No, sweet girl, that's Uncle Jasper." _Might as well get her used to it now_, I thought. "Daddy's coming out soon." She relaxed her head on my shoulder and watched as men pulled Edward's stretcher, with him still unconscious on it, from the back.

"Da-da," Nessie sighed, realizing this was him. She patted my face to get my attention, "Da-da, owchie?"

"Yes, dear. Daddy is hurt. We'll need to take especially good care of him." Tears formed in my eyes as I answered her, hoping that our care would be enough to pull him through.

"No cry, momma. Give da-da kiss, all better," Nessie said to me with the assurance only one so young could have. If only it were that easy, I would cover him with kisses. I wanted to now, just having him nearby. I handed Nessie back to Jacob, was introduced to Carlisle and Esme's maid, Sarah, and supervised the men as they set up a bed for Edward in the parlor. Once I was sure Edward was resting I excused myself for my much needed bath.

I couldn't take time in the tub. All my thoughts were of being with Nessie and sitting vigil on Edward. Sarah met me in the room assigned to me to help me dress. "Ma'am, if you're willing, I'd be happy to help with your husband's care," she offered.

I didn't want to appear ungrateful, but also was concerned about what she could do. With a mixture of trepidation and graciousness I enquired, "What are you able to do?"

"My grandfather was Cherokee, and the healer for our tribe, ma'am. I know many herbs that can help him. He taught me to care for these kinds of wounds. Granted, it was those made by arrows, but the practice should be the same. I swear, he won't be the first I've worked on, and Mr. Carlisle has even taken to using some of my grandfather's remedies."

Before I could answer her I heard a knock on my door and Jacob calling, "Nessie is crying for you, Pititchu. Are you dressed?"

"Yes, I'm decent Jacob. Please come in." He opened the door and I saw a teary Nessie in his arms. She reached out to me, and I snuggled her in my arms, her head tucked under my chin. "Please excuse my rudeness, Sarah, but do you mind if I speak with Jacob?"

She curtsied to me and said, "Of course, ma'am" and quickly exited the room.

When the door closed behind her I began to question Jacob about Sarah, and his feelings in regards to her knowledge. He felt that I should allow her to try, and it seemed to me I could see admiration in his eyes. The fact that he thought highly of her was enough for me, and he agreed to talk to her while I rocked Nessie to sleep.

I had to fight off my own exhaustion once I finally felt her relax into slumber. I had no idea how long it had been since I'd slept, but that was immaterial to what still needed to be done. I lay her down in a crib that had been kindly placed in the room, shook my head to clear away the cobwebs and went downstairs to wait on my husband.

The sight that greeted me unnerved me. It was strange to see Edward unclothed with another woman standing over him, but as I watched I could see that she was only focused on his care. I swallowed my feelings of protectiveness and jealousy and didn't interfere. She carefully cleaned his wounds, applied a steaming poultice to them and bandaged them up. She didn't replace his clothing, but merely covered him over with a clean sheet. After having Jacob lift his shoulders, she carefully poured some liquid into Edward's mouth and encouraged him to swallow by rubbing on his throat. "You will do no good to him if you sicken yourself, ma'am," she whispered as she tried to feed Edward. "I'll make up a bed for you down here because I can see you won't be parted from him. I'll be leaving some of this liquid nearby. Try to get him to take some whenever you hear him stir. It will both aid his recovery and give him nourishment." She looked away from her task to fix me with her gaze. "It is no guarantee, ma'am. He could still die. I just want you to understand and prepare for the worst if need be."

I nodded my understanding and sunk into a chair. All my strength was gone. I felt a blanket being placed over me and heard Jacob whisper in my ear, "Sleep, Pititchu. We'll watch over him tonight." I allowed myself to let go and collapse into slumber.

I awoke to the sun streaming into the window and found myself lying on a cot. I'm sure Jacob must have moved me, but I was too tired to have noticed. I looked over to where Edward lay to see him still unconscious. Alice was nearby entertaining Nessie, and Jacob was talking quietly with Sarah. I sat up, drawing the attention of the others and thanked them for allowing me to sleep. I could see that Jacob and Sarah must have been up all night, and apologized to them profusely for sleeping as they worked over my husband. They both waved me off, then Sarah called me over and instructed me in how to care for the wounds and feed Edward without choking him. They then retired to their rooms to sleep.

The next week passed in a daze. Sometimes Edward would awaken enough to be delirious. He would move about on his bed, sometimes thrashing his legs, so we had to tie him down to keep the bones still so they would mend properly. Alice and I cared for him during the day, and Jacob and Sarah took over at night. Esme was in and out, getting the supplies needed, spending time entertaining Nessie, and preparing all our meals so we could focus all our efforts on Edward. Jasper had healed enough that he took upon himself the chores that he could. He also gave a great amount of comfort to Alice.

I was overwhelmed with the generosity and love of these people. Granted, Alice was family, and Jacob and now Jasper might as well be, but Esme and Sarah cared for us as if we had been friendly all our lives. Once when I asked them why they were so good to us, Sarah spoke up, "I know some may disagree, but I feel it is the duty of women to support and help each other. Life is hard enough without us adding to each other's burden. Besides, who knows but what I may need to call on you someday? If not me, then someone else? Right now is your time to receive charity. Next year you may be the giver of it. It's all a circle, ma'am, and I'm sure it all comes up even in the end. You just need to accept it as graciously as you would give it."

I decided I loved Sarah at that moment. From the look in Jacob's eyes, so did he.

It was the very next day that I once again heard a sound I had all but given up hope of ever hearing again. I was holding Nessie in my lap, reading to her when Edward stirred. I looked over to him and was shocked to see his eyes open. It was then I heard it, his voice, in barely a whisper. "My Bella, how I love you."

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**Like I could kill off one of my favorite characters of all time? Please. Now, this doesn't mean he'll have a miraculous recovery and all will be well. I believe HEAs are made through hard work and compromise. They have a tough road ahead of them.**

**Many thanks to whenpoetryrises, who does such a lovely job as my beta. **

**I also want to thank all the new people who have put me on alert and favorited this story. Now, please make me even happier and click on that little button below and watch it turn green!**


	21. Chapter 21 Waking Up

**The characters are Stephenie Meyer's, but the story is mine.**

Happy news, my grandson was born on the 21st! He was 7 pounds, 3 ounces, 19.75 inches long (3.26 kg, 50.2 cm for those of the metric persuasion). Mom and baby are doing fine. In fact, he's very quiet, barely fussing to be fed or changed, and is already sleeping through the night. Must take after his father. There are pictures on my thread!

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Chapter 21 – Waking Up

I had no idea how long I'd been asleep. There were times I thought I was dead, and suffering the torments of hell as pain wracked my body. Other times I thought I was being given a reprieve when I heard the voice of the one I loved whispering my name. I could almost feel her touching me; stroking my face, kissing my lips, holding my hand. But then I would sink once again into blackness. It was as if God and the devil were fighting over the claiming of my soul.

I feared waking. What if I found myself departed from this life? But then I would hear a child's laugh, and imagine it might be my own. Other voices filtered in and out as well. My beloved sister, Major Whitlock, Jacob, and others I didn't recognize but seemed kind and concerned. But it was Bella's voice I trained my ears to pick up. I was sure I must be delirious, for she was thousands of miles away, but it gave me the strength to endure the pain. If I were to suffer eternal torment, I could bear it well if only I could continue to hear her voice.

But there were other sounds in the blackness. Screams of the wounded and dying filled my dreams. I could smell the smoke and blood; see the light die in the eyes of men I shot. I would look about me for the men I fought with, but their faces were blurred and their names escaped me. I didn't know which battlefield I was on, only that the enemy was advancing. I would run and get nowhere. My limbs wouldn't work as I tried to draw my cutlass and engage my foe. But then they would disappear, for in the heat of the battle a voice, her voice, could be heard. Soothing my soul and chasing away the demons that haunted me.

Finally the blackness began to depart. Bit by bit I could feel its oppressive weight lift and I could take in more of my surroundings. I could feel that I was on a bed, a band about my waist and legs rendering them immobile. The pain became more localized to my hips, but the ache was dulled in its intensity. My eyes opened, and I realized I was in a home unfamiliar to me. And yet, I could still hear her voice! Bella's voice seemed nearby and I could make out words. It was as if she were reading; the words punctuated with the squeak of a rocking chair.

I willed my head to move to follow the sound of her voice and saw her nearby. She was holding a small child, barely out of infancy, with hair the color of my own, reading to her. It was a vision from my fondest dreams. I watched for a while, noticing how the child squirmed occasionally, nestling deeper into her mother's arms. The babe looked about and stared at me, and I realized her eyes were the same as her mothers. Deep brown pools of curiosity and wonder, alight with intelligence, met my own. She didn't speak to me, but continued to listen to her mother read.

Her mother. My Bella. I lifted my gaze to her face and noticed the exhaustion there. There were dark circles beneath her eyes and lines of weariness about her mouth. As I perused her visage, I noticed a single gray hair marring the beauty of her chocolate hair. But there was a softness about her that hadn't been there before. She had taken on that look that mothers got. A look of care, compassion and boundless love. We had been apart for well over a year, and she had grown immensely more beautiful in my eyes.

Eyes, I wanted to see her eyes. "Bella," I called as loudly as I could, but realized the sound was minute. I tried again, "Bella." This time there was a bit more volume, at least enough to cause her to turn and look my direction. I could finally see those beautiful orbs that I had become lost in so many times. She was so very lovely. How on earth had I ever managed to tear myself away from her? "My Bella, how I love you."

I watched as shock stilled her face, only to be replaced by joy as she called my name. She rose quickly, dropping the book and placing the child on the floor as she called for Alice and Jacob. I could hear footsteps in other rooms draw near, but kept my eyes trained on my wife. A face I had thought never to see again, and I was distraught to see her eyes fill with tears. She leaned over me, saying my name over and over again as she reached out and began stroking my face with one hand as she grabbed up my hand to hold it to her chest with the other.

"You're awake, you're here, you came back to me," she whispered as she dipped her head and laid it on my shoulder.

I squeezed my hand around hers and kissed the top of her head. "Of course, my love. Shush now, no tears. Please, I want to look at you," I spoke to her in a voice rough and quiet. Over her shoulder I could see Alice, being held by Major Whitlock? "Alice? I take it you've somehow met Jasper? What happened to your hair?" She just laughed, tears flowing freely down her cheeks. I had never seen my sister speechless before, but she was now. Beside them stood Jacob and I watched as a pretty, copper-skinned woman came and took his hand. Another woman, older with a kind face and caramel hair came to stand next to them. "Bella, was that Nessie you were holding?"

"OH! Yes, let me get her," she left me to gather our child up and brought her over, "Nessie, this is your daddy."

"Hey, baby girl," I whispered and then laughed as she shyly hid her face in Bella's shoulder. "She's beautiful, Bella. Thank you." My daughter peeked out and watched me with the same regard she had previously.

"Let me introduce you to those you don't know, Edward," Bella reached out to the caramel haired lady. "This is Esme Cullen. We are in her home. It was her husband, Carlisle, who operated on you at the field hospital. Standing next to Jacob is Esme's maid, Sarah. She has been responsible for your recovery."

"Field hospital? Bella, where are we? How would you know who operated on me?"

"We're in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania." She looked abashed, hanging her head and peering at me through her lashes, "Please don't be angry, but when I got your last letter telling me that you'd been transferred, I followed you out here. Alice and Jacob wouldn't let me come alone with Nessie, so we all traveled together. I met Dr. and Mrs. Cullen on the train, and assisted them in the field hospital with Alice at Gettysburg. I knew you were nearby, the paper reported that your regiment was there. I just never imagined you would be brought there –" she trailed off like a train running out of steam.

"I'm glad you're here, but Bella! That's so dangerous. You could have been hurt!"

"I had Alice and Jacob. We obviously managed."

"How did you meet Jasper?"

"He was wounded, and kept with the other confederates. Alice noticed no one was tending to them, and decided that she would. He called to her, because you two look similar, and then I met him. He's also been helping us take care of you."

I was now feeling rather fatigued. "You need to rest," Bella said. "We'll talk more later. Is there anything you need?"

There was a pressure in my bladder, and I was thirsty. I didn't mind requesting the latter with company nearby, but was unsure of how to deal with the first. I squirmed a bit with the discomfort, and was shocked when Bella recognized what it meant. She shooed the others from the room, picked up a bottle and removed the sheet to take hold of me and assist me to empty my bladder! "Bella! What are you doing?"

"This isn't the first time, Edward. I've grown to recognize that stirring," she told me with an impish grin. A blush lit my face as I realized she was quite practiced at this! "Don't be embarrassed," she continued, "it's better than trying to change the sheets and you have been gravely wounded. It's my duty as your wife to care for you and attend to your needs."

"I'm so sorry, Bella" I began, but she just shushed me. I knew there was no way I could hold out any longer, and so emptied my bladder into the bottle. I watched in amazement as she cleaned me up, and recovered me with the sheet. Alice must have been nearby enough to hear me finish up, for as soon as I was covered she came in with something for me to drink. My mortification increased as I realized these people had been caring for me as if I was a small child!

"Oh, stop it, Edward," Alice said as she came in, "you act as if no one has ever heard someone use the toilet before."

"It's just not proper, Alice."

"Neither is getting shot through, but you've managed to do that too. Now quit your complaining and let us take care of you." I watched as her face changed from teasing to concern. "You had us all scared, Edward."

"I'm so sorry."

"Well, we're better off than many at that battle. We at least have you alive."

"How badly am I hurt?"

Bella answered me, "Bad enough. We'll really know the extent once you are more mobile." She then took the drink from Alice and helped me up onto my elbows. "Now this is a bit bitter, but it will help you heal and take away some of the pain. It will also make you sleepy." I allowed her to hold the drink to my lips and sipped at it, grimacing at the taste. "Drink it all, Edward," Bella said as if I was a child. I guess I was acting that way because I was pulling away. So I took a deep breath and drank it all down.

Sitting up like that fatigued me, so I lay back down with a sigh. I could feel a languor come over me and wondered what was in that drink. I could feel the blackness returning, but it wasn't as heavy. As I drifted to sleep, I asked one more question. "Bella, where are my clothes?" I could hear her laugh as sleep claimed me.

It was barely light in the room when I awoke. I was amazed to find that I had a bit more ability to move this time than when I had last awakened. I was still bound about my waist and legs, hampering movement, but was able to use my arms to prop myself up. Glancing about the room, I could see Bella asleep on a cot nearby. She looked more relaxed in sleep, but the fatigue was still evident in her face. I hated to wake her, but needed to empty my bladder again. Actually, that made it much worse, and I wondered how long I could wait. I distracted myself by perusing her form.

She was in a nightdress and seemed quite thin. I knew she had gained weight with the pregnancy, but the woman before me seemed almost emaciated. I hoped it wasn't the concern over me that caused this, but had a sinking feeling it might be. I tried to move to look at her more closely, but gasped loudly as a sharp pain through my hips informed me as to why I was so bound. I saw Bella's eyelids open and look to me quickly. There was simply no way I could lie down fast enough to make her believe I was asleep, so I simply apologized for waking her.

"Oh, Edward, I'd rather be awake if you are. I've had you asleep long enough," she whispered while arising from the cot she was on. There was a light behind her, causing her form to be silhouetted in her gown. I was amazed at her beauty and that she had traveled so far to be near me.

"Bella, how badly am I injured?"

Her sigh was deep as she gathered her thoughts. She then described to me all that the bullet had done. She dwelt on things like how lucky I was that it had missed any major organs, that it had punctured holes in my pelvis instead of shattering it completely which lent hope that I may one day walk again, and that I was alive. I saw the sadness in her eyes as she told me of holding men's hands as they died with the names of the wives and family on their lips. "Every day I would live in fear that this would be you. Somewhere alone, with no way to tell you how much I loved you." Tears trailed down her cheeks, but as she looked at me again a small smile formed. "But I'm one of the lucky ones. I have you back."

I reached out to touch her face, longing to have that contact with her. I heard the words she didn't say. What if I never walked? What kind of damage was done to the organs the bullet did pass near? Would I be able to father another child? I voiced these concerns to her, and she brushed them all aside. "We have at least one child, Edward, and I have you back. It would be ungrateful of me to ask for more."

She pulled my mind from these topics with stories of Nessie. How her birth went and how everyone was smitten with her immediately. She told me of Mrs. Stanley making a comment that Nessie seemed to be a bit large, insinuating that perhaps Bella had misbehaved in some way. "I was so glad I was a week late! When she counted the months and came up with ten and a half there was simply no way for her to continue that little bit of gossip." Bella then said with a laugh, "See? I told you it was good that I didn't get pregnant right away! At least with her hair no one could doubt who the father was."

I laughed as she told me about Nessie's first word, first step, first tooth. I can't believe I had missed so many firsts in my daughter's short life. I knew she wouldn't remember me not being there, but it was something I would always know in my heart. When Bella told me that Nessie was able to get Jacob to do anything for her, that he was completely smitten and wrapped around her tiny finger, I envied him. I wanted to be the one she cuddled up to, relied on and made demands of. At the same time, my gratitude was great, for it was also an example that he had fulfilled his agreement to me to take care of them.

The morning wore on, and Sarah came to change the dressings on my wounds. I was quite surprised when she threw back the sheet and exposed me! Stuttering my embarrassment, both she and Bella laughed as I tried to grab at the cloth and recover myself. "Mr. Masen, sir. I assure you I have been tending to you for over a week now. There is nothing I haven't seen, why are you now blushing?" she teased me.

"Well, it wasn't while I was awake!" I groused. Surely the woman could leave me a little dignity. She laughed lightly and arranged the sheet so that only my wounds were uncovered then proceeded to dress them. I didn't know what shocked me more, that woman's blatant disregard of proprieties or Bella's acceptance of her actions! As soon as she had left the room I questioned Bella about this.

"Oh, Edward, I've given up so many of the niceties of society in the last few months that all I care about anymore is the well-being of my loved ones. I must be honest and say that nothing shocks me anymore. I hope that doesn't disgust you."

_Disgust me?_ I'm the one that caused her to have to go through these horrors, and she was afraid she disgusted me? As I looked on her with new eyes I realized the strong woman she had become. I knew I had loved the strength of her character when we met. I had worshipped the quickness of her mind. I had reveled in the purity of her soul. But now I saw a woman before me that not only would, but could face down any trial that may beset her. And, she would do it with a smile on her face, love in her heart, and a kindness that was a testament to the strength of women. I had been concerned that I was going to be a burden to her, but she had shown me it was a burden she willingly shouldered and lovingly accepted. She exemplified my mother's words that the errand of angels was given to women. She was my angel.

I reached out my hand to her and she took it in her own. Pulling her close, I kissed her fingers, fingers that had grown rough with hard work. I opened her hand and kissed the calluses I found there, knowing the labor required to form them. I pulled her closer, trailing kisses up her arm as I lay in the makeshift bed, needing her to move to allow myself this worship of her body. The hand not holding hers reached out and wrapped around her neck, pulling her mouth to me. "Disgust me? Never. If anything, you have made me love you even more." With that I met her lips with my own and moaned at the contact I had missed for the last sixteen months of my life.

I savored her lips. I was sure the manna the Israelites had found in the wilderness could not have tasted as good. All I could think about was how I wanted to get well enough to love her properly again. I rejoiced when I heard a small moan from her own lips, thrilled that I still had this effect on her. I pulled her closer, wanting to feel her body on my own, disappointed that I could tell she was being careful with me. "How long?" I whispered against her lips.

"How long for what?" she panted back into my own.

"How long until I can make you mine again?" With that she stilled. A look of concern flitted across her visage. "What Bella? Why did you stop?"

"Edward, we don't know yet if _that_ will ever be able to happen again. Carlisle made it clear to me that it was a possibility that it might not." I was crushed. I may never be able to make love to my wife again? But, that didn't mean she would never be able to achieve some release, I thought, remembering the times I had given that to her without ever being inside of her. I smiled at the memory of her crying my name as I touched her intimately and looked up at her in time to see a blush set fire to her face. Apparently she was thinking of the same thing.

"Well, Bella, I promise to make sure that you will at least never feel too much of a loss."

If possible, I think her face grew even redder. "We'll worry about that when the time comes."

I trailed my hand down from her hair, over her arm and onto her hip, gripping it tightly. "And has the time come?"

She threw her head back and laughed! "Edward, I seriously doubt you have the energy to test that out yet. Besides, you need to rest and use all your stamina for healing. I've made it through sixteen months without your touch; I can survive another six weeks until you've healed."

The time of my healing seemed to drag. I was forever on that infernal bed! If I had thought Sarah's complete unashamedness with my nudity had been embarrassing, it was nothing in comparison to the first time I had need of the chamber pot. Jacob and Jasper both had to hold me, and then Bella cleaned me afterwards. It was complete and utter humiliation! But like much else, I became inured to it with experience. I decided that if Bella could handle something without batting an eye, then so could I.

The time wasn't so bad when Bella would read to me. Once again we had found the time to discuss literature, politics, philosophy and law. There was a library in the house that we made quick work of. It took prodding, but eventually the entire story of their travels came out. I was concerned when Jacob promised me that his tribe would be exacting retribution from those who had desecrated my sister's hair. I hoped that wouldn't bring war closer to home.

I also spent as much time as possible becoming acquainted with my daughter. I swear I could see her grow! Her mind was as quick as her mother's and I soon learned the meaning of her babblings. The first time Bella had held her near me she had fussed, so I began to hum the lullaby I had sung to her while Bella was pregnant with her. She calmed right down, and from that point forward would come to me whenever she wanted reassurance and calming. After a week she had taken to climbing on the bed, careful to avoid my wounds and laying her head on my shoulder to nap.

The nights were what tore my soul asunder. The pain I could bear. Having to watch my wife sleep away from me I could tolerate. Knowing I might be an invalid for the rest of my life concerned me. But it was my dreams that tormented me. At times I would wake panting, covered in sweat as I barely remembered what was happening in them. Other dreams I could remember, all too horrifically well. What had me also concerned is that sometimes small noises would make me start and I would find myself reaching for a knife or gun that wasn't there. One time this happened, my eye caught Jasper's and I could tell he was suffering the same as I.

One afternoon he was sitting with me as Bella attended to Nessie and he brought it up. We started with talk of battles we had seen. It progressed into atrocities we had witnessed and into how the war, even now that we were in a place of safety and security, was invading our consciousness. It didn't matter if we were asleep or awake, we would find ourselves panting, panicked, and reaching for a weapon. We agreed that we didn't want to burden the others with our horrors and that we would seek each other out to talk if they became too much.

It had been six weeks when I realized I was able to sit up on my own without a great deal of pain. During this time Carlisle had come home to his house and we had gotten to know one another. He had checked both Jasper and my wounds and pronounced that we were healing well. Crutches were fashioned for me and I began the laborious task of learning to walk again. I was immensely grateful now for the countless hours I had spent working in the fields followed by my time wielding a cutlass for it gave me the strength to negotiate the crutches with relative ease.

It was the beginning of November when Jasper came to me and asked for Alice's hand in marriage. "I would ask this of your father," he had said, "but I quite honestly don't want to wait that long. I would like to wed her before spring so that we are married on our journey back to your home." I knew that he had nothing to offer Alice except his love. His parents had died young, leaving him relatively penniless. He had no income, no home, and no financial support since he was now, technically, a prisoner of war. However, I had seen the look in their eyes as they gazed on each other. I had witnessed the kindness they shared. Still, I wanted to be sure, so I requested the opportunity to speak with Alice.

"You know I don't care about those things, Edward," she answered me when I asked her about my concerns. "Besides, you owe me happiness. He brings me this. If I have ever been a kind and loving sister, then please grant me this one wish." How could I deny her? They were married a week later with me standing up with Jasper and Bella with Alice. It was a simple and quiet affair, only attended by those residing in the house. I had dispatched a quick note to our parents informing them of the match.

November was drawing to a close the first time I attempted to be intimate with Bella. I didn't have full strength in my hips yet, but felt this was something that I desperately wanted and needed. I knew she felt the same. I was finally well enough to climb the stairs to a bedroom the Cullens had set aside for our use. It was comfortable, large enough to contain a crib for Nessie as well as an armoire and a bed. Bella and I had spent time touching and kissing when we were able, but nothing more had been attempted.

The first night we were alone together in a bed, with Nessie sleeping nearby, I drew Bella in close to me and began to kiss her. My hands traveled down her back, stroking and touching all the places I remembered that she had enjoyed. I heard her quiet moans which only served to spur me on. I lowered myself to be even with the bottom of her nightdress and began to trail it up slowly, leaving kisses on the skin I exposed. Reaching underneath I undid her knickers and was thrilled when she lifted her hips to make it easier for me to remove them. I continued my journey up her body, stopping at her sex to place kisses there as my hands continued to push up her nightdress.

I could smell and taste her desire, and as I began to knead at her breasts I leaned in to lick lightly of her arousal. She quickly turned her head and moaned loudly into her pillow, trying to muffle the sound. Leaning down on my elbow, I spread her folds and went in for another taste. It was her, the same as her kisses, only stronger. I now understood why Emmett had suggested this activity so long ago; I wasn't sure who was enjoying it more.

Her panting increased with her moans as I began to suck on her little nub. Her nipples were hard against my palm as I worked her, relishing in her taste. Her sounds and movements only caused me to want to give her more. More pleasure, more passion, more love. I longed to be inside her once again, but waited until I heard and felt her release rip through her body. She was calling my name, grabbing onto my shoulders in an attempt to pull me up, begging me to enter her.

I kissed my way up her body, continuing to push the nightdress further and further over her until she threw it off of her body. I leaned in, teasing her lips with my own, desire pulsing through me with every heartbeat. How I had missed being with her this way! How I had missed the sounds she made, the way she moved, the completeness I felt when I was sheathed within her. I was desperate now to feel that last and so reached down to guide myself into her entrance. Only, I wasn't ready. In fact, I had barely begun to grow erect at all! I tried to stroke myself to encourage it to respond, but there was nothing.

Panic began to set in. How could I make love to my wife if I couldn't even get my body to respond? I wanted this, wanted her! Her cries for me were beginning to diminish as she realized I was taking too long. She trailed her hand down my abdomen, something that used to send me hard in seconds, but even that wasn't having an effect. When she reached my flaccid member her eyes shot up to mine. "Edward?" she whispered.

"Um, I think I have a problem," I answered her, and then fell to my back in frustration.

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**There is a site that takes donations to assist wounded soldiers. If you feel you can do anything to help, please go to this site:**

**http:// bit(dot)ly/6KcOf**

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**Story rec: Recapitulation by wickedcicada! Give bug some love!**


	22. Chapter 22 Challenges

**SM still owns the characters, but Civilwarward is mine.**

**There aren't enough thanks to give to whenpoetryrises for being such a wonderful beta! Poor girl is hard at work at school and I dump tons of chapters on her. **

**This chapter is dedicated to one of my dear friends whose husband, after twenty years of marriage, became impotent due to the devastating effects of diabetes. Many of the things Bella and Edward discuss came from my talks with her. To the many who have suggested herbal Viagra (LOL), I can tell you that for some problems even the real thing doesn't work.**

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Chapter 22 – Challenges

I reached down Edward's body and quickly understood his problem. Carlisle had warned me of this, and Esme had prepared me over the months of his recovery that I shouldn't take it personally if he was unable to perform his husbandly duties. She said it was obvious in the way he looked at me that he loved and desired me. Even so, I found it difficult to not feel a bit inadequate since I obviously had failed to raise him.

When he lay back on the bed, frustration evident in his features, I rolled over to his side. "I'm so sorry, Bella," he whispered. "I know we've been told this might happen, but I want you so desperately that I honestly can't understand why it's not working."

_He wanted me still!_ My heart rejoiced at those words. Of course, he had just spent quite some time showing me that he wanted me, but it was still nice to hear the words. "It's all right, Edward. We'll just have to wait until you can again."

"But what if I can't? What if it never works? What kind of husband would I be to you?" I tried to scoff at his concerns, but he took my face in his hands and whispered impassionedly, "Bella, I heard how much you wanted me, don't try to say you didn't. I may never give you another child! I may never give you that intimacy we both crave ever again!"

I could see this was tearing him up inside, and knew I had to put a stop to it. "Edward Masen, if you think I'll love you less because of this, you are seriously mistaken! Yes, I love being intimate with you. Yes, I love the feeling of you inside me, completing me. But you listen to me! That is the icing on the cake. You. Your love. How you touch me, look at me, love me, that is the cake. I haven't lost that." Tears began to fall unchecked from my eyes as I desperately tried to make him see reason. "I love you, Edward. You. I didn't fall in love with you because of how you made love to my body. I fell in love with you because of the way you love me. Your goodness is still here. How you care for our child has only deepened the affections I have for you.

"Besides," I said with a smile, "it's not as if you hadn't given me a lovely time tonight. I'm not the one laying here frustrated."

He laughed at my last words, but I could see that he was still upset. I knew time would help him overcome his despondency over this. With hope, it might overcome his other problem as well. I just had to make sure he knew of my continuing love for him. "Edward, do you doubt my love?"

"No, but it is mine for you that makes me feel as if I am not being fair to you in denying you this."

"What if you had died? I would have been denied it then. I was denied it while you've been gone. Why is this different?"

"If I died, you could have remarried. I was expecting to return to you whole, making our time apart short."

"You think I would marry again?"

"I wouldn't want you to be alone, Bella. I knew I could trust you to find someone who would raise our child properly."

I sat up and looked down at him, drawing the sheet over me so he wouldn't be distracted from my words. "Edward, I wouldn't have remarried. No one would measure up to my memory of you." He started to argue, so I placed a finger on his lips to quiet him. "You are the love of my life. Nothing will change that. Not your injury, not age, nothing. I don't care if you become fat, bald and are never able to be intimate with me again, I will still love you." He started to speak again, so I shushed him. "Marriage is about more than physical intimacy, Edward. It's about trust, commitment, compassion, kindness, forgiveness, selflessness and love. We still have all of those things. I won't lie to you; I do want the physical intimacy back. But, if it never returns, I still have the greatest gift. I have you."

He was quiet for a moment as he processed my words. I could see that he wanted to believe them. I knew he didn't want to have me sacrifice anything for him, but I was willing to give my all to him. He reached up his hand and cupped the back of my neck, pulling me in for a kiss. "I do love you so, Bella," he whispered as his lips claimed mine. He rolled us over, hovering above me, as he languidly kissed me. His hands once again began to roam over my body, inciting the passions within. I wasn't sure if I should let him continue, knowing he would be unable to find his own release. Sensing my hesitancy, he whispered, "Let me love you, Bella. Let me give you at least this much." I let go then and released myself to the overwhelming pleasures his hands and mouth brought me.

Time passed as it always does. The days were filled with work, preparing food, cleaning, sewing, all the mundane tasks of life that in the end bring happiness and contentment. I most looked forward to the nights, however. Edward was determined to continue trying to achieve that fulfillment he lacked. I never complained. Many nights were filled with indescribable pleasures as he worshipped my body. Eventually he allowed me to do the same, bringing him pleasures even if he was unable to fulfill its promise. When my monthly time came, however, he seemed to become despondent. To him it was another indication that he was unable to provide me with another child. I assured him that Nessie was enough to handle at the moment. Besides, I was still nursing her; she was barely seventeen months old, so too young to wean, and I just couldn't imagine having another child in diapers at my breast.

Edward began playing the piano again as he was able to sit up. After the first time, Nessie climbed in his lap and 'helped' him with the notes. When I went to remove her so she wouldn't be a bother, Edward asked me to leave her. He took her little hands and helped her play chopsticks. The look of sheer joy on her face as music came from beneath her fingers caused tears to prick in my own eyes with happiness. When her concert was over she turned and gave her father a noisy, wet kiss before scooting down and running off. We all laughed when she returned dragging Jacob by the finger, and demanded that he listen to her 'play' with Edward's help. Her vocabulary had improved to include the words _music_, _piano_, and _play_ within days.

The war still raged. Union forces had taken over the Mississippi River over the summer, effectively cutting the Confederacy in half. Lincoln declared a national day of Thanksgiving to be held on the last Thursday of November every year at the beginning of October. Chattanooga was under siege for weeks before it was finally overtaken at the end of November. Once that city was taken, another siege, this time of Knoxville, was undertaken. We read Lincoln's address at Gettysburg, Edward feeling pride in serving there. It managed to raise the sympathies of many in the north, and enlistment rose as a result. A push was made into the south, and Lincoln appointed General Grant to oversee the armies. Other than that, very little was discussed. Our focus was on healing our soldiers.

Many crops had been decimated by the war. It was reported that an entire crop of corn had been cut to the ground by rifle and artillery fire as sure as if a knife had been taken to it. Shortages were affecting everyone, but most especially the poor. As prices rose, more and more children could be seen begging on the street. We hadn't brought much money with us on our journey, and Edward couldn't be paid until his discharge papers were signed. Carlisle had sent in a statement regarding Edward's wounds and unfitness to continue service, and we hoped to receive them so we might be able to return home in spring.

Time was also spent at cards, our brief discussions regarding the war, and assisting the poor. As Christmas approached so did the preparations for the holiday. We managed to gather branches of fir to decorate the house, giving it the smell we all loved. We took to sewing clothes for the destitute children from our own that had worn out and could no longer be patched. Alice and I laughed as we watched Edward and Jasper attempt to learn to sew a hem. They had been so proud and so we tried to hide the fact that we ripped it out and redid it. We didn't let them attempt it again, as thread was becoming expensive and hard to obtain.

Regardless of our financial state and Edward's and Jasper's medical conditions, we were happy. Jasper was always around, with a doting Alice on his arm, laughingly saying how nice it was to be in the presence of people who found joy in the simple things. Alice received a letter from her father accepting Jasper based on Edward's words and a promise of a dowry sufficient to keep them comfortably.

Edward's much anticipated papers arrived the day before Christmas and read: _Edward Masen, enlisted with the Washington First Regiment, transferred to the Army of the Potomac, currently serving under Major Custer in the cavalry. Born in the state of New York, currently residing in Washington Territory, now twenty-one years of age, six feet two inches tall, green eyes, auburn hair and by occupation when enlisted a law clerk. By reason of a gunshot wound to the abdomen leaving him unfit for battle he is hereby discharged._ It was signed by Major Custer. Accompanying it was the letter from Carlisle describing his wound and that he was medically unfit to serve further as a soldier. Due to the partial loss of his legs, he was also given a check for fifty dollars to compensate on top of the rest of his wages. We were quite pleased with this windfall of money. It was sufficient to purchase the things we would need to see us all home.

Christmas Day was full of cheer, for despite injuries and the lack of foodstuffs, we were at least all together. Edward played the piano as we sang carols and drank wassail. The only person to receive any gifts was Nessie. Alice and Esme had used rags to stitch together a doll for her. Edward and I presented her with a new dress and a pair of shoes. Jacob had carved a wolf from a piece of wood, and she wore it on a thong of leather about her neck. He made sure to have the tie release easily in case she caught it on anything.

Carlisle had also been discharged, having served his three years, and was intent on journeying with us to the west. He said that he had gotten his fill of the cities and wanted now to travel where he was needed. There weren't that many trained physicians and his addition to our community would be welcome indeed. He had a small practice in Harrisburg, and began to train both Edward and Jasper in the care of the afflicted. Edward was quite willing to learn, but was sure he would rather return to law when he settled. Jasper enjoyed it immensely and was happy to think he had found a way to provide for Alice so that they wouldn't have to rely on her dowry.

With that decision by the Cullens, we began to pack their house. Any furniture, linens, and things for the home that Esme wanted but could be without were packed and sent on a ship in January. Anything she couldn't risk losing was also packed for hauling in a wagon across the plains. I warned her that pulling a load of china might be a poor choice, as I had seen many such crates of stuff abandoned on the trail, and encouraged her to send it by ship, but she was adamant that it had to be in her sight at all times. "The ship could sink, and while I'd miss the things we have sent on, I can live without them. This was my grandmother's china, and I _will_ make sure it arrives safely," she replied. Things such as the beds would sell with the house when they left.

With the quieting of the fighting in wintertime, mail service picked up. We were able to receive a letter from Emmett and Rosalie at the beginning of February, which brought smiles to the faces of all who knew them. Rose had sent a separate letter to Alice and me in which she spoke of her fears and frustrations of not being able to conceive a child. Alice and I cried together for her, knowing how she longed for this. I spoke to Alice about her desires for a child, and she admitted to wanting one, but not before they had returned home to Washington. When she asked me about my desires for more children tears unexpectedly pricked my eyes. I knew I had spoken the truth to Edward that I hadn't wanted one now, but the thought of not having more did strike my heart deeper than I had anticipated.

I was lamenting to Alice that it might not be possible for us anymore, silent tears trailing down my face, when I looked up and saw Edward at the doorway to the room. He had heard me speak my fears and seen the sign that I was, in fact, upset by this. His face was drawn in anguish and he quickly muttered an "I'm sorry" before turning and leaving the room.

I knew I had to confront him quickly. I couldn't allow him to wallow in this. The months I had spent trying to convince him I was fine with his lack of ability were washed away in that moment and I knew I would have to work hard and fast to persuade him that I loved him in spite of what I could no longer have.

I heard Alice's expression of dismay when she realized Edward had overheard us but rudely ignored her in my quest to console my husband. If he had been whole, there would have been no way for me to catch up to him, but his injury, while he could now walk fairly well, luckily didn't allow for the running he had been used to previously. I grabbed my coat and overtook him just outside the front door, threading my arm through his as we walked the streets of the neighborhood in silence. To any casual observer we appeared to just be a couple on an evening stroll; a dutiful wife helping her wounded husband obtain the exercise he needed to fully heal. At the moment I was far more concerned over healing his heart than his body.

"Bella," he whispered to me as we began walking in a nearby park devoid of any who could overhear, "why did you lie to me?" The pain in his voice about broke my heart.

Sighing deeply I answered him. "I didn't lie, Edward. I truly don't want another child at this moment in time. I just failed to mention that I would want one someday if it was ever possible."

He made a growl of frustration as he stopped me and cupped my face in his hands, "It's nigh unto the same thing, Bella! You withheld your true feelings from me. Why?"

I wrapped my hands around his on my face, staring him straight in the eyes as I answered. "What would it have helped, Edward? Would you have felt less upset over this? Would you have chastised yourself less if I had told you all the feelings of my heart? Would you have believed me when I insisted that I loved you still, in spite of my disappointments? Do you think I enjoy seeing you so torn up over something that you have no control over?" My words quieted to a whisper, "Do you think I desire another child more than having you in my life?"

His hands dropped from my face and he drug them through his hair as he limped away from me. "I just wish you had been completely honest with me, Bella. It makes me wonder if you are with me now out of commitment or love."

"It's both, Edward. My commitment to you is born out of the love I have for you." I walked up to his side and took his arm again as I pulled him about to look at me. "I will be completely honest now. I do want another child one day if it is ever possible, but it would have to be _your_ child. If we never have another, I would rather remain barren with you by my side than having you buried in some mass grave with the other dead. I would not have remarried, ever, and so would have remained childless anyway." I lifted my hand to cup his face as he had done with mine previously. I pulled lightly on him to draw him closer to my lips as I whispered, "The complete truth is that I would rather have you in any form than not at all. You are my life. God gave me you, and I give thanks to him daily for your return."

He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against mine, and I closed mine at his closeness. He took a shuddering breath and breathed out, "I just don't want to be less than you deserve."

"Let me decide what I deserve." I opened my eyes again to stare into his. "Are you willing to give me whatever I want, as long as it is good?"

"Yes, Bella, anything."

"You are what I want, Edward. Just you. In whatever condition you are in, I will take it."

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**A/N - Poor Edward... Just so you know, there are only two more chapters and an epilogue left.**

**There are a few underloved stories I think you should read:**

**Songlines by Sandyk199 - An older version of Midnight Sun**

**Venenum by Kyrene, Once Blood Roses - This one will get your head in a twist!**

**Blind Faith by Sobriquett - It's just beginning, and shows great promise with these two kids taking a huge leap of faith.**

**Master Race by babette12 - Oh, wait, that one hasn't posted yet! It will be up this week though (snicker). Here's the summary:**

Alienated from the Cullen Coven for several years, Edward finds himself bored in South America, and existing on the local women. When he "hears" another vampire creating a master race, he is intrigued. Can Edward find purpose in his life again with a child? But who would be the best genetic material and what will be the cost to the human mother?

**There is no Sweetward here, so as you're leaving that review (hint, hint), be sure to put me on alert!**


	23. Chapter 23 Going Home

**SM's characters, my story.**

**Whenpoetryrises has been so wonderful throughout this entire story, deleting commas here, adding them there, and chopping up run-on sentences like mad. I'm so glad she is in my life.**

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Chapter 23 – Going Home

As the weather turned, the house was finally packed to leave. After Bella's declaration of love to me, I decided to simply accept my fate. I knew my despondency over my condition was hurting her and decided that she had suffered enough. No matter how tormented I was by this, I refused to let her see. Only, sometimes I was fairly certain she still did. She allowed me to smile my way out of my frustrations and learn to live with it.

Only, occasionally, I felt stirrings. A tingling which brought a hope that perhaps damaged nerves and muscles could heal. One morning I even awoke to being a little stiff. It sadly relaxed before anything could be done but my thoughts soared with the very idea of being buried within her once again.

Nessie had continued to grow and flourish. I was able to express myself to her in ways she understood and often found myself understanding her gibberish. I was so proud the day she managed to play the first three notes of chopsticks unattended. That was until she repeated them over, and over, and over until I found myself wishing I had never taught them to her. When I expressed this to Bella she merely laughed and told me to teach her something else. The child could barely talk and she wanted me to teach her to play the piano? I thought Mozart might be a bit beyond her abilities and thought my wife had lost her mind; she laughed so hard when I mentioned that. Then she suggested Bach, just the top notes at first. I was actually sad to leave the piano as we locked up the house, wondering how I would entertain my daughter.

We arrived at the train station and loaded our valuables onto the boxcar and our luggage into one of the sleeper cars. There was a problem at first; they weren't going to allow Jacob and Sarah to travel with us. Bella, having experienced this problem before, was prepared. She pointed out that Jacob was our butler and Sarah her maid and that she needed constant help with her invalid husband. She went on and on to the poor stationmaster about how she relied on them to help her, seeing as how she was so weak with fatigue herself, and how Alice was now with child and unable to help, and that Esme's advanced years had resulted in arthritis. I swore I could see the man's eyes roll up into his head as he listened to her drone on and finally relented merely to not have to listen to her any more. She kept up her pretense until the train was underway, at which time all the women broke up in laughter. Of course, that might have been in response to my question to Alice as to whether or not she really was with child, and did Esme really have arthritis. I should have known better.

It took us a week to reach the terminus of the rail line. Awaiting us there were three wagons, one for each couple. Sarah was riding with the Cullens and Jacob was with us, riding Manitou. It surprised me to think that this horse will have made the trip across the nation three times by the time we were home. The first night on the trail I called Jacob to help me hunt for fuel for a fire, Nessie trailing behind us, and asked him about the obvious feelings that had developed between Sarah and himself. "Hmm, I thought we were doing pretty well at hiding it," he grumped in answer to my question.

"Oh, you were from the men, but it's all Alice and Bella talk about when they're together. I assure you they've already wrung the truth from Sarah."

He let out a long sigh, "I suppose it's to be expected." He then looked me straight in the eye and said, "We plan to wed, but want my father to perform the ceremony. She is mostly Cherokee, so should be acceptable, but we have to have the chief's blessing or I lose my position in the tribe. I can't imagine him not giving it, but if I wed without it, she also might be rejected." He looked at me sideways for a minute before continuing, "It is common to have a brother stand with the man marrying. I have no brothers, and was curious if you would stand in that place with me."

I was touched. I knew he looked upon Bella as a sister, but his acceptance of me as a brother warmed my soul. "I would be honored, Jacob." He nodded at my words and we went back to gathering what fuel we could find. Mostly buffalo chips since many had come this way before us, denuding the landscape of any other material. It did give an interesting taste to the food the women cooked over it but I frequently laughed at watching Nessie toddle around with her arms full of the dried dung. Bella usually wasn't as amused.

Our company was actually grateful to have Jacob and Sarah along as they often rode out to meet with any natives we met along the trail. Jacob told me they frequently conversed in English, since it was a common language. They were also willing to believe him that the company was only passing through since he was the son of a chief. I noticed that some beads were always missing from the necklace he wore, or replaced with others, when he came back. When I questioned him he would simply shrug and tell me that they were exchanged as a promise of passage.

We had been six weeks on the trail, near Scottsbluff, when I awoke one morning wrapped around Bella, and could feel her grinding her hips into my painfully hard arousal. It had been almost ten months since my wounding. Ten months of wanting this woman and unable to do anything about it. Only to awaken with the ability, yet still unable to do anything about it since we were sleeping under the wagon with Jacob close by.

I pulled her closer and groaned lightly into the back of her head. Her light giggle at my predicament certainly didn't help matters. She quickly turned in my arms and placed a kiss on my chest. The feeling of her breasts pressed against me through the thin material, the warmth between her legs surrounding my member, and her lips on my chest almost caused me to come undone right then. I had no idea how long this would last, or even if it would ever return, so I whispered into her hair to go on a walk with me. She quickly agreed.

We climbed out from under the wagon, and I heard Jacob mutter, "I'll keep an ear out for Nessie while you're on your walk." Bella blushed profusely and I only chuckled and thanked him. I grabbed the bedroll we had been lying on, took her hand in mine, and we went out past an outcropping of rocks nearby. The dark of the night was barely giving way to the rising of the sun in the east as I spread out the blankets in an area that seemed a bit softer. The chill of the spring air was evident in her shiver as I pulled her down beside me and wrapped her up once again in my arms.

We had spent many nights rediscovering each other, and yet this time seemed different. With an expectation that exceeded my memory of our wedding night I crashed my lips to hers. Moans of pleasure came from us both knowing what was to finally occur. I pulled on her chemise, lifting it up as my lips descended to meet the hem. I didn't remove it from her body, feeling she would need what little warmth it afforded as the wind soughed through the prairie grass around us.

I trailed my hands down her body, surprised to find her already incredibly ready for me. However, months of only having this form of release available to her had taught me better than ever before just what she enjoyed. I stroked her from hip to hip while kissing around her breast. Each time I passed by her sex she would lift her hips to meet my hand. I knew by the way she pulled on my hair that she was tired of my teasing so I plunged my fingers between her folds, earning a loud groan from her lips.

I traced around her nub as I continued to place kisses on her breasts, my teeth grazing over her nipples. I had no idea how long I would be able to last once inside of her and so had to be sure she achieved her release before I began to work on my own. The difference in temperature between the heat of her body and the chill morning air spurred on my arousal that was pressed against her hip. It wasn't long before I heard her breathing pick up and felt her body stiffen; she was close. Slipping a finger inside of her, I continued stroking her and felt her body clench as a low moan escaped her lips. Without letting her calm from her release I quickly slipped between her legs and pushed inside of her.

She gasped when I entered and I had to stop and contain my own excitement or this would be over much sooner than I would like. I was surprised by how tight she was, but it had been almost two years since we had been like this. I had thought the birth of the child would have left her permanently stretched but apparently I was mistaken. We both had paused to allow us to adjust to this renewed sensation, our breathing heavy, our hands clinging to the other. I looked down and met her eyes, shocked by the intensity of the love I saw there. "Edward, please move," she whispered, and I bent to claim her lips as my hips began that rhythm as ancient as time.

I whispered my love to her as I kissed down her jaw and neck before burying my face in the crook of her shoulder as the waves of desire and pleasure washed over me. I couldn't hold her close enough. I wanted her inside of me just as I was inside of her. Her fingers traced lines of fire on my back as I continued to enter her body over and over again, plunging deeper and deeper until I felt I would drown in her. Time had no meaning as I was lost to this earth while I tasted of her heaven.

And yet, it seemed no time had passed before I felt her walls tighten around me, heard her moans become louder as she began to feel the effects of her oncoming release. I cupped one breast as my lips sucked on the nipple of the other, causing her to crash, her walls milking me as she called my name over and over. I could feel my own release begin to build and didn't relent in my consumption of her body even as she began to come down from her release. I was surprised I had lasted this long, and wondered how much longer it would take. I got my answer when I felt her hand travel between our bodies and she began to stroke the base of me.

The sounds of my own pleasures filled my ears as the knot of passion built low in my abdomen. I could feel it grow and expand until it finally consumed me. My thrusts became erratic and I couldn't get enough air as I crashed over that wall I had craved for so long. I called out her name, telling her how much I loved her as I felt myself empty within her. After a few more shuddering strokes I lay my head on her chest and kept myself buried within her. I heard her sigh, so I shifted my weight off of her and curled myself around her back.

"We need to get back," she whispered to me and it was then I noticed that I could make out the barest hint of the sun beginning to break over the horizon.

"I suppose," I rejoined and helped her fix her clothes before making adjustments to my own. We both stood and I wrapped the blankets about her shoulders when I noticed her shiver. Walking hand in hand I could see other young couples also heading to the company from their own trysts.

As we approached our wagon I could see Alice bouncing in excitement and a knowing smirk on Jaspers face. Alice grabbed Bella's hand and pulled her from me, dragging her into the wagon. "Things are better, I take it?" Jasper asked me and I just grunted my agreement. "Good. How about we gather water for the women? I get the feeling they're going to be a little preoccupied this morning." With that we went back to the business of traveling across the country once again.

Days turned to weeks without a return of my ability to love my wife. I had hoped that the one time would mean I was healed, but it seemed to be more of a fluke. I expressed my sorrow and frustration over this to Bella, and she just said that we would just have to grasp any opportunity that might arise. I quirked my eyebrow at her when she said this, to which she blushed and slapped at my shoulder before laughing. It was nice to hear her laugh.

With each mile we walked, rode or swam, we drew closer to home. I could feel my longing for it growing. While I enjoyed watching Nessie frolic in the tall grass day after day, I wanted her safe and in her own bed. Jacob and Sarah had taken to walking the miles together, hand in hand. It had been hard on Sarah at first, unused to walking more than a few miles at a time. But in time she was as strong as the others, easily covering the thirty to thirty-five miles each day. I could see that they were also looking forward to home, knowing they would then be wed.

We had crossed into Idaho when I awoke one morning to hear Bella being sick. I sat up quickly and thought I saw Alice over with her, comforting her, until I realized Alice was also being sick. The girls exchanged a look and a smile and it dawned on me that Bella's time hadn't come since we had been together on the plains of Nebraska. Rolling out from underneath the wagon I ran to their sides. I took Bella's hand, crying, "Bella, does this mean what I think it does?"

She gave me a wan smile and nodded. "It's been two months, Edward. I'm fairly certain I'm with child again." Joy filled my heart at this news. How fortunate that the one time my body decided to function properly was a time when she was fertile! Then I saw Jasper smiling, noticing that he must be feeling the same joy I did at the prospect of becoming a father. The others came and congratulated us and Carlisle took a moment to ask the girls pointed questions to make sure they were well.

The men talked and decided to shoulder more of the daily chores to alleviate some of the work of the two women who were expecting. Alice and Bella complained about that, but Jasper and I just asked them to allow us to care for them. It only took about an hour of pleading on our part before they finally relented. We were quite proud of ourselves for being loving husbands until I saw that things were getting done before we could get to them. The girls just shrugged when we pointed it out, claiming to be bored. We highly doubted that but they were simply too efficient to beat to the tasks. We could tell the days when they were feeling poorly, though, as we were able to accomplish our designs at those times.

We were half a day's ride from Boise when we saw a group of natives riding hard for us. Many of the company were frightened, but Jacob pointed out there were only about ten riders and one had gray hair, an indication that this wasn't a party intent on doing us harm. They pulled up hard about one hundred yards out and we could see they had horses weighed down with buffalo hides, trinkets, and such. The oldest one called out, "News has reached us that you have the son of a Quiluete chief with you. Is this so?"

Jacob rode forward, saying, "I am he. My name is Jacob."

It was then I heard Alice and Bella both gasp. I looked to them, mouthing _what?_ They explained quietly and quickly that next to the one speaking was the man who had cut off Alice's hair. I could feel the anger build within me and turned back with a scowl to look upon the man who had desecrated my sister. Out of the corner of my eye I could see a similar look on Jasper's face, but it was Jacob's face that surprised me. He had always been an easy-going fellow, yet his face was a mask of anger and I could swear I saw his hands trembling with his rage.

"We come in peace, and humility to ask pardon for this one's offenses," the old man called to Jacob. "I hoped you would pass this way again so I could force him to make restitution for his crimes. I do not want trouble between our people."

Jacob turned slightly and whispered, "Edward, Jasper, find horses and ride with me to confront them. You were equally wronged and he will be forced to apologize to you as well. The old one is sincere." We quickly jumped from our wagons and took the reins offered to us by other men in the company. Flanking Jacob, we approached them.

When we were within a few yards Jacob addressed them. Pointing to me he said, "This one is brother to her whom you injured." He then pointed to Jasper, "And this one is husband. She is sister to my sister through her brother and so my family was insulted. What do you offer in restitution for peace?"

The old one grunted to the man who had hurt Alice and he dismounted. Pulling a train of four laden horses behind him he approached us with a lowered head. "I am son to the chief," he pointed to the old man, "and when he heard what I had done he almost disowned me. I have grown in the year since this occurred, put away the folly of my youth, and am striving to be a man so I might one day lead this tribe. I offer these four ponies, with all they hold on their backs, in payment for the offense I have made."

Jacob dismounted and indicated that Jasper and I should do the same. He whispered to us, "You have to find this acceptable also since you are her kin. Examine what he has brought thoroughly, do not be hasty to accept, but do agree in the end. It will mean peace for you and your family if you ever come this way again."

The one who committed the offense stood by, as others of his band dismounted and unloaded all the wares before us. There were five buffalo hides which were unrolled to reveal a treasure trove of turquoise, red gold nuggets from the Black Hills, feathers, intricate jewelry, rugs expertly woven and many sets of clothing. There was even a doll that I knew Nessie would love. We inspected each piece in silence, awaiting a signal from Jacob. He nodded his head and we walked away from it all with him. "We're supposed to be considering now. So talk with a serious face." I could see that even though his face was pulled into a frown, his eyes were sparkling in pleasure. "It is a great wealth they are offering. This young man must have worked hard to bring it all together in appeasement."

Jasper and I both understood and solemnly we three talked about each piece we had inspected, actually dividing it up between us based on what each family could use. We were sure to include the Cullens in our discussions, certain that Esme would appreciate some of the things presented. After about fifteen minutes, Jacob indicated it had been long enough. He turned back to the chief and said, "We accept. Our names are Black, Masen and Whitlock, and we also have the Cullens," he had pointed to each of us in turn as he gave our names. "Please keep them in memory."

"They will not be forgotten," the chief replied. The ponies were quickly repacked, the reins handed over as we stood and waited. Once all was in readiness, the chief nodded to Jacob and the band took off. We mounted again, pulling the ponies behind us, and returned to our company. Jasper quickly relayed all that had occurred, and a sigh of relief went through the group.

We were very glad to reach Boise that night. As we checked into the fort, registering our names as part of the company, we were surprised to find two letters addressed to Bella and me awaiting our arrival. One was from my parents and one was from Charlie. As I handed Charlie's letter to her she let out a groan.

"I'm in so much trouble," she whispered, then opened it to read.

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**A/N - A couple of things**

**1) There's a bill requesting support for wounded vets and their families. If you feel you can join in, there is a form letter available to send to your congressman/senator. Please visit: digg(dot)com/u1G2Bw**

**2) Voting is now open for the Darkward contest. Please read them and vote for your favorite (which is mine, right? Into the Night? I know you read and loved it! LOL!) www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2032482/Darkward**


	24. Chapter 24 Repercussions

**SM's characters, my story**

**Whenpoetryrises betaed this for me. She's wonderful like that.**

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"Bella," Edward said, pushing the letter down, "you are a grown woman, married with a child and another on the way." I glanced up to see his smirk, "I seriously doubt you are in _trouble_."

I sighed. "Edward, imagine if Nessie had done what I did. Leave in the middle of the night to chase a new husband who has joined the war, no note, no good-bye, just vanished."

I could see the grimace on his face. "You are in _so_ much trouble. I'm glad he can't punish you." He then paused, "I could have sworn you wrote to him when we were in Harrisburg, though."

"Oh, I did, but never received word back. There's no telling if he actually received the letters or not."

"Well," Edward sighed, "you'd best get to reading then. I'd like to hear what he has to say as well, so please read it aloud if you're willing."

I was and so began,

"_My Bella,_

_No, I haven't disowned you yet, but it did cross my mind. I could have sworn I had raised you better than to go traipsing across the country after some fool errand. But the Masens have told me that you found him, and it was good you were there. I'm glad my daughter, and am now only distraught that you saw fit to entrench yourself amongst so much horror. Only, I know you, and you never could leave someone to suffer alone. I suppose I raised you proper after all."_

My father's acceptance of my actions actually caused me to tear up a bit. I was also grateful he understood. Catching my breath I continued on.

"_I've been looking after the house along with the Masens, as well as the livestock. You had a jar of peaches break, and I cleaned up the mess. Hope you don't mind, but I took a few home with me as well."_

That made Edward and me laugh. I knew my father couldn't leave them alone. I wondered what else he might have taken, but I was so thankful he had tended the animals I was willing to give it all to him. I had completely forgotten about them in my rush after Edward. I could see in my husband's face a mixture of amusement and gratitude as well.

"_I've missed you, and was a might bit lonely, but Widow Clearwater has been mighty kind to me and I thought you would like to know we've been walking out together recently. I didn't want you to hear it from the town gossips first. Come see me when you're able._

_Your father, etc."_

I smiled up at Edward and he softly whispered, "See, not so much trouble after all. We should be home in a week and you'll see him then. I know how anxious you get."

We stayed at Fort Boise while a storm blew over the Cascades. When the report came that the pass was clear we headed out again. Edward's letter from his parents informed us that houses had been obtained for the Cullens and Jasper and Alice. The homes weren't far from our own, easily within walking distance. From the descriptions they gave we were well aware of them, and Alice and I were able to describe them to Esme in detail. She was thrilled to learn there was a side guest room on their house that could be used as an office for Carlisle to receive patients. With Jasper nearby, they planned to set up a practice together. Jasper was signed to apprentice for five years.

When we came down Snoqualmie Pass we were met by Chief Billy, who immediately accepted Sarah. Jacob didn't want to wait too long for the wedding, and it was arranged to take place in a month's time. This would allow all the formalities of ceremony to be worked out, which included Edward being formally adopted so he could stand as Jacob's brother. We were assured this was simply a formality, he would still be son to his own father as well, but would have the rights of being the chief's son and so able to travel on their lands freely. All was arranged before we took our leave of them. There were tears in the eyes of all the women, but most especially in Sarah and Esme's. They had become very close in their years together, and only the desire for Sarah's happiness kept Esme from expressing her full grief over missing her friend.

When we came around the bend and I could see my home on the hill, tears sprung anew to my eyes. Oh, how I had missed my home! I wanted to rush up to it, throw open its doors and run inside. I longed to jump on my bed, wash in my sink and cook on my own stove again. As we drew closer, I could see that the garden was overtaken by weeds. Alice and I would have our hands full the next few days tilling that over, only to have it sit idle until spring, with the possible exception of a fall planting of greens. But we couldn't let the weeds rest like that lest the roots gather more strength with the warming of the earth. I didn't mind, I missed the smell of freshly tilled soil.

We finally came around the front of the house and there stood Mother and Father Masen, as well as my own father, awaiting our arrival with open arms. While Edward hobbled to his parents, I ran to my father. Wrapping my arms around him I cried, "Oh, Pa, I've missed you so. I'm so sorry I worried you."

"You're home now, baby girl, so all's well," he whispered into my hair as he captured me in a huge hug. "Who've you brought with you? You always did like to bring home strays," he chuckled.

"Hardly strays, Pa." Pointing out the Cullens I introduced them, and then Jasper to my father. I could see he was quite pleased to have a trained surgeon in our midst. Logging towns had many accidents, so knowing there would be not one, but two trained doctors brought relief to my father. He truly cared about the people he served.

Mother and father Masen came over and I hugged them both. "Thank you for returning my son to me, Bella," mother Masen whispered. "I always was glad he chose you, and now you have saved him."

At that moment I felt the first flutter of my child in my lower abdomen. My hand automatically reached down to touch my stomach where he lay. Everyone noticed my movement and a smile alit their faces as they realized what it meant. "When?" mother Masen asked.

"In February," I replied with a smile. Edward and I were congratulated by all with hopes that this time it might be a son so we would have one of each. I concurred with them; Edward had not been able to be fully intimate with me again since that cool morning last May. I already had a daughter, and now longed for a son, and there was no way of knowing if we would ever have another opportunity.

I felt for Edward; he had lost an essential part of being a man, and I tried each and every day to ensure him that I loved and desired him just as much. I still had to constantly work to convince him that I wouldn't be interested in anyone else, in spite of his disability. Besides, I thought with a smile, I'm not the one that's left wanting. He had gotten quite adept at picking up on my signals and responding positively with what he could give me.

The evening was spent with family, telling them of our adventures. Jasper and Alice would be staying with Alice's parents, and the Cullens with Edward and me, until their respective homes were ready. Esme and Alice were planning on spending the next few days determining what needed to be done to bring the houses up to their expectations. It was with exhaustion in the wee hours that we all finally adjourned to our beds. I was amazed at how soft and welcoming it felt to climb in between my own sheets, snuggle up with Edward, and fall asleep.

The next few days brought the entire town to our doorstep. Everyone wanted to welcome us home, wish Edward well in his recovery, meet Jasper and the Cullens, and hear of our trip. I almost felt that perhaps we should call a town meeting so we could tell everyone at once, but knew that would be rude. So, despite being travel weary and having work to do to settle the house for winter, Edward, Alice, Jasper, Esme, Carlisle and I all spent hours in my parlor talking. We knew it was best to get it all over with, let the town fulfill their curiosity, and then life could return to normal.

The visitors we were the happiest to receive were Emmett and Rose, especially since they had a small surprise for us. After all those years Rose had finally conceived and they had a son. When we ladies had some time to ourselves, the men having gone to put up the animals for the evening while we prepared an evening repast, she admitted that the pregnancy had been difficult, and her cycle hadn't been the same since. We all doubted she would be having any more, and so were glad she had the one. It was then I told her of Edward's condition, and how grateful I was that the one time things had worked properly in over a year since he had been found that I had been able to conceive.

We were also caught up with, and continued to follow, the war. It seemed that in July Confederate troops had gotten within five miles of Washington, D.C. The next month General Sherman had begun a siege of Atlanta, which had ended on the first of September. Northern morale was greatly boosted by this victory. He encamped there as he continued to fight the Confederate general, maneuvering for advantage constantly. In this time he was able to stockpile supplies and mostly rest his men. It wasn't until almost the middle of November before he finally secured his position there. At the first of December we received reports that Sherman had blown up or burned down most of the city upon his departure and was now on a march, stretching sixty miles wide, to the sea. He was determined to destroy the Rebels.

Edward and Jasper both continued to heal, although they both seemed to suffer from nightmares, and sometimes battle fatigue. We all learned not to startle them with sudden noises or to sneak up on them, as their reactions weren't favorable. Edward resumed his work with his father; dreams of attending university one day were gone for both of us as the responsibilities and demands of family life held us in place. Jasper began a practice with Carlisle. People were impressed by Carlisle's skill, but Jasper simply had a knack for putting people at ease. At first people refused to be seen by him, merely because he had been a Confederate. However, after the first time he was able to do a field amputation of a man's leg that had been caught in the wood mill, and the man not only survived but healed quite well, they all put that aside.

Jacob and Sarah were married in October and expecting shortly thereafter. We had all traveled to their lands for the ceremony. Lincoln had sent out a requirement that all natives must be forced into reservations, and so Edward and father Masen worked tirelessly to convince the armies that the current Quileute lands were 'uninhabitable' by us white folk, and so it was designated a reservation area. We didn't want to have happen to our friends what was being reported in other areas of the country.

At Christmas we learned that Sherman had reached the sea. His path of destruction, nearly three hundred miles, had destroyed the backbone of the Confederacy, and there were calls for surrender. All were refused, but we hoped that the end of the war was drawing near. We also received word that Lincoln had been re-elected as the president. He was pushing for a more lenient stance with the south, hoping to bring them back into the fold, but a more radical element wanted their entire subjugation. The New Year saw Sherman push north through South and then North Carolina, destroying all in his path. President Davis of the Confederacy said he would sign a peace treaty if the Union recognized them as independent; Lincoln refused.

As February drew to a close I finally began having contractions. Edward had been alarmed in December when he had felt my false labor once when his hand was resting on my stomach, crooning another lullaby to our child. I had laughed at him and set his fears to rest, saying it was normal. He had written the music for the new lullaby down, as well as Nessie's, and was teaching her to play them on the piano when my waters broke. Rachel, who had assisted in Nessie's birth, had come down with Jacob and Sarah the week before to attend me. I laughed at Edward's face as he watched me struggle through a contraction. When they began to come closer together, I had to have him dragged from the room. He kept asking how I was and what he could do for me. I was a bit too busy for conversation at that point, and so asked him to please leave. He had looked hurt, but it was only a couple hours later when he was called back into the room and our son was placed into his arms.

"What shall we name him?" he asked me in a whisper while giving me a kiss on my forehead.

"Edward Jacob," I yawned back.

He just chuckled and said, "Sleep, my love. You worked enough for one day." I was exhausted and sore and so quickly fell to sleep with the image of Edward holding our baby in my mind.

As winter turned to spring our lives resumed the pattern that had been set before Edward left for war. He was a permanent fixture at the courts, while Alice and I once again tilled over the earth in preparation for planting our gardens. She had given birth to a son within days of me, and we simply kept our children together while we worked. Rose and Esme were also a constant in our lives. We four women could always be found at one another's homes, working on some task or another. We always kept the three baby boys together, and they had a tendency to fuss when separated. Nessie played mother to them all, fetching us whenever one fussed. We took to calling the boys the three musketeers, and had hopes they would be as close as we were.

Emmett had been promoted to a supervisor at the mill and was making a comfortable living for himself and Rose. The four men were as close as we women. Many a night we gathered together to eat, talk, play at cards or simply while away the hours content in each other's company.

Around the middle of April word finally reached us that the Confederates had surrendered on the seventh of that month. A huge celebration was planned, complete with dancing, feasting and rejoicing. Many youth came and looked on Edward, resplendent in his uniform, with a feeling of honor and awe. Some of them even complained that they never had the chance to go and fight. Edward quickly disabused them of that notion; informing them that war was horrific. I seriously doubt they believed him, however.

A new horror was upon us. We found out that, on the fourteenth of April, President Lincoln had been shot as he was watching a play. He died the next morning. The shooter, Booth, was chased and shot by Union soldiers in a barn in Virginia. Nine others had also been involved. Four were hanged, four imprisoned, and one was acquitted. There were fears that the succession of the presidency might not go smoothly, since pockets of the war still remained.

It wasn't until the tenth of May that the Confederate president, Davis, was captured. To many of us, that marked the true end of the war. All pockets of resistance had finally been squashed, and the country could now be at peace. Jasper was relieved, since it meant that he was no longer a prisoner of war. We had kept up that ruse with the army, but he was now a free man. We knew he would stay in Seattle, though, for that was where his heart was.

It was just past the middle of May, almost a full year from the last time Edward had been able to be intimate with me on the plains of Nebraska, when he came home unexpectedly from work. Both children were napping, and I was taking the opportunity to do some mending on the front porch, enjoying the quiet, when I saw him approach. I quickly set my sewing aside and ran to meet him. At first I had been alarmed, wondering what could draw him home at this hour, but as I approached I could see a gleam in his eye. He picked up his pace and rushed to greet me, sweeping me off my feet as he swung me about in his arms. He set me gently on my feet and with his lips barely brushing over mine asked, "Are you busy currently, Mrs. Masen?"

"I could set aside my tasks for a moment, sir. Is there something you need?" I asked back as I trailed my hands down the front of his chest.

"What are your children doing?" he continued to question me while trailing kisses down my jaw to the base of my ear.

"Why, sir, they are napping in bed."

"Perhaps they have a good idea," he chuckled into my ear as his hands grasped more determinedly about my waist. "Why don't we join them in this activity?"

I could only nod, so he released my waist and took hold of my hand. He gently pulled me back onto the porch and into the house. I trailed after him as he led me up the stairs and into our room. My breathing hitched as he turned and pushed me against the door after closing it behind me. "It seems I have a little problem," his breath velvet over my skin as he pulled my hand down to stroke him.

"Not so little, sir. Why don't I help you with that?" At that he crashed his lips to mine. His hands made quick work of the buttons on the bodice of my dress, pushing it down over my shoulders as soon as he was able. For as long as it took me to dress in the mornings I was amazed at how quickly he was able to divest me of all my clothing. His soon landed on the floor beside my own, my fingers trailing over his body to once again wrap around him, earning me a groan of pleasure from his lips.

He lifted me in his arms and carried me to the bed, his lips never losing contact with my skin. He set me softly on the bed, lying beside me as he continued to kiss and lick over my throat and shoulders. "Tell me, madam, what delights may I entice you with this afternoon?" he whispered as he began to trail kisses down to my breasts. All that could escape my lips was a soft moan that earned a chuckle from him as he began to ravish my body in the most delicious way.

His fingers lit a trail of fire as he caressed me, his lips following in their path. My breathing quickly became ragged as he descended, the anticipation of the pleasure he would bring me almost as enjoyable as the pleasure itself. I watched his progress down my body, smiling whenever he would glance up at my through his lashes, only to moan anew as he teased and taunted my flesh. He had barely begun stroking me before my release came. One hand reached up to cover my mouth lest I wake the children from their nap as he used the other to pull himself up, placing kisses as he rose.

Settling between my legs he captured my lips, languidly kissing me deeply, his tongue tasting and teasing as he positioned himself. He sealed his mouth over mine, capturing my groan, as he entered me. It had been months since I had given birth to little Edward, and my body was no longer used to the constant intrusion, so it took me a moment to adjust to him. Still I reached down his body and pulled him deeper inside, wrapping one leg about his hips to hold him within me. There was no telling when we would be able to be together like this again, and I wanted to relish it.

Slowly he began to move. His lips never left my skin as he made me his. I released myself to the sensations of being joined with him once more, feeling that lovely building of stress low in my abdomen as he made love to me. He was drawing it out, making it last, enjoying the pleasures as much as me. Whispered endearments escaped both our lips as we met in a rhythm as ancient as days. The buildup began to expand, stretching and growing as it filled my body with heat and love, until it wrapped around both of us. We both held off as long as possible, never wanting this to end. And yet, we reached for it, welcomed our release as it crashed over him, with me following a stroke later as he shuddered above me.

Now I was home.

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**And this is the last chapter. The epilogue will post next week. Be sure to have a new box of tissues handy. Just a hint, the year will be 1902.**

**If you're interested, Master Race, with, as one reviewer dubbed him, Darkdadward, is posting. Chapter three is up tomorrow.**

**Thank you to all who have joined me in this little tale. It's my first full length story and your support has been amazing. I would love to hear from all who are reading, so please leave me a review!**


	25. Chapter 25 Epilogue

**Wow, so here we are at the end. It seems strange to click on that complete button. Thanks to all who have alerted and favorited this story. An especial thanks to those who have reviewed, many of whom have become friends. There are a few ladies, who without their help and encouragement, this story would have never come into existance. Naelany for talking me into it, and Stavanger1 and whenpoetryrises for holding my hand throughout the process and betaing for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.**

**Now, do you all have a new box of tissues ready?**

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I smoothed a stray gray hair back into place on her head, tucking it under to keep it still. Tears had been shed, and now the shock of it all had settled into my heart. I could feel it breaking into a multitude of pieces as I stepped back and allowed the undertakers to nail the lid onto her coffin. The pain of it radiated through my chest and down my left arm, but I held still and refused to let it show. She had died in her sleep just yesterday. I wasn't quite ready to say goodbye to her yet, but I knew I must.

My children, _our_ children, and their children, and one of their children, were nearby. Six of my grandsons, led by my namesake, Edward Anthony, surrounded the coffin and lifted it into the hearse for delivery to the cemetery where she would be interred. He was the first of five children born to my son Edward. The year was 1902. My great-grandson, Edward Anthony, Jr, had been born the previous year to his father and my granddaughter-in-law, Elizabeth.

I remembered meeting her and thinking how much she resembled my own mother. Her hair and eyes were the same color as my mother's and my own. She came from the same county in Ireland my grandfather had come out of, and so we laughed that we might be distant cousins. At least that trait had bred through, as my great-grandson had the same coloring.

Nessie was weeping, her now gray head bowed in grief, her husband and children supporting her. Nessie had three children of her own, along with ten grandchildren. A few of them had married and two were expecting. Bella had been so excited with the prospect of holding two new babies. Now she never would.

Bella and I never did find that magic time to conceive more of our own children. My disability was something we rarely discussed. I smiled in remembrance of how I had taken to alerting her that I would be able to make love to her again. _Are you busy, Mrs. Masen?_ had become her signal. She never turned me away. Of course, it had become rarer and rarer as the years progressed. Still, I had learned her signals of when she was feeling the need and did my best to alleviate her discomfort.

While we had never had the chance to attend higher education, we made sure our children and grandchildren did. I was thrilled as they all, the girls as well as the boys, attended some post secondary school. My namesake had even managed to be accepted into Harvard Law School. That's where he had met his wife, she was a freshman enrolled there. His cousin had attended Yale, and there was a warm, but loving, rivalry between them. It was nice to see them together; laughing over whose rowing team would win this year. I guess that was one good thing about a funeral; it brought the family back together again.

The hearse had taken off, and Nessie's husband helped me into their horseless carriage. The infernal contraption was loud! It reminded me somewhat of the constant barrage of cannon fire I had heard in my campaigns in the war. I didn't like it. Still, it was the only way I could get to the cemetery. My hips had finally given out years ago, and I was in a wheelchair. I tried to not let my disquiet at having to be taken care of show and disrupt others' moods, but I think they could tell.

I never regretted serving my country, but I did use my wounds to dissuade my grandson from doing the same. He grew up hearing about his 'war hero' grandfather. Some hero. As if all it takes is to get shot. As Alice used to say, any fool can do that. After hearing of my grandsons intentions to join up to fight in the Spanish-American War, I asked him to come pay me a visit. We talked about the war, the fear, the smells, the horror, and yet I could tell he wasn't to be deterred. So I told him of my disability, and why I only had two children.

His face glowed in embarrassment when I asked him if he ever wanted to have a wife and love her the way she deserved. I told him about his grandmother, how she never complained, but that she was a flesh and blood woman, and that I could see the want and desire in her eyes. A desire I could rarely fulfill. I knew it was hard for him to think of his grandmother as a young woman with those kinds of feelings, so I showed him the small daguerreotype I still carried with me everywhere. Bella was holding the boy's mother on her lap. "Your mother came about the usual way, son. As it is, she's lucky to have a brother at all." That finally convinced him.

The infernal contraption we were riding in sputtered to a halt halfway up the hill, pulling me from my thoughts. I looked up and could see the hearse pulling my Bella farther away from me. A sob broke through as I realized that even if I caught up to it, I couldn't be with her. She was gone. Pain ripped through my heart afresh, and I started rubbing my left shoulder where it began to ache. It was as if the pain in my heart was spreading, seeping into other parts of my body, and consuming me with grief. I had to hold it together, for my family. They needed my strength as they dealt with the loss of their mother and grandmother.

Nessie's husband got the contraption going again and we once more climbed the hill. There was a long line of mourners behind us, some in carriages, others in the same type of machinery we were in. Bella had been loved by many. Her kindnesses and mercy had reached out to much of our community as we watched it grow and develop around us. Her work with the church's women's auxiliary had surpassed even my mother's. She had organized homes for orphans, cared for the invalid and infirm, and fed the hungry with the labor of her own hands. She always said she was on the errand of angels, but she was wrong. She was the angel.

We finally reached the cemetery. My son came and helped me from the contrivance and put me in my wheelchair. I could see the same grandsons pulling Bella's coffin from the back of the hearse to carry it to her final resting place. She was being buried by Alice, who had died a few years ago, only about four months after Jasper had departed this life. She had been sick for a while, but Jasper had fallen when caring for her and broken his hip. It had sapped the energy from him, and he died a couple months later. When Christmas had come, Alice had rallied. We thought she was going to pull through, but we were wrong. She just wanted to be with her family for one last Christmas before going to join the love of her life.

My parents were buried a couple plots over, and just up from them was Charlie and Sue, the widow he had married a few years after my return from the war. I looked past them to where the Cullens' lay. I was one of the last; making it to fifty-nine was impressive, since the life expectancy for when I was born was less than forty years. Especially when you considered I had been gravely wounded. Rosalie and Emmett were still kicking, though, and I could see them placing flowers on the graves of their loved ones as we waited for the graveside ceremony to begin.

My eyes traveled from the loved ones of the past to the ones of the future. Besides my own progeny, Alice and Jasper's, and Rosalie and Emmett's, were also here. Our three sons still were close, even as family and employment pulled them away from each other. They were standing shoulder to shoulder much as they had as children. The only difference was the topic of their conversations. It had gone from pollywogs and pigtails to jobs and children. I was happy to see that Ephraim Black, Jacob and Sarah's grandson, had also made the journey.

The young reverend called us to order and began to speak of my Bella in reverent tones. He hadn't known her long, having only arrived to our parish a few months ago, but he couldn't miss how universally loved she was. He spoke of her charitable work; of how she preferred to feed poor men soup then to have lunch with ladies of her social class, how her hands never stopped moving in some type of work, and how she had loved her family. In my heart I added, _and how she loved me_.

He finished with a prayer, and my son wheeled me over to the mound of dirt piled nearby. I reached down to grab a handful. As her husband I would be the first to drop it in her grave. He wheeled me to its side and gently asked if I needed help. I just shook my head, and yet, for some reason I didn't have the strength to stretch it out and deposit that first fistful of soil over her body. I heard my son call, "Dad?" and knew I had to do it. My hand shook as I reached out and I had to mentally force my fingers open to allow the dirt to escape. Once it did, I looked away, but could still hear other fistfuls join my own as my son, Edward, pushed me from the gravesite. How I wished I could close my ears as easily as my eyes.

We returned to my house where the ladies auxiliary was serving lunch. I looked over to where my parents' house used to be. It had been destroyed by the great fire in 1889, shortly after their death. Mine had, luckily, survived. A ramp had been added to the back of the house so I could be wheeled in easily. As we entered the kitchen, I almost called out for Bella before I remembered she would never be there again. That maddening pain in my heart returned with that thought, causing me to sigh.

The luncheon was nice, the food good, but I could tell it was missing Bella's special touch. My favorite dish was the bowl of canned peaches, Bella's peaches, which had been opened and served. Her last offering to the community. There was probably at least another year's supply of preserves in the pantry, but I doubted very much that they would be enjoyed now that her sweet smile no longer accompanied them. Then again, my kids were talking about them as they talked of their mother, and how it was possible to taste her love in the food, asking me if it was all right to take some home. I just waved them to it. I knew it would have made her happy.

Everyone kept asking me how I was feeling. I kept saying I was fine but they looked as if they didn't believe me. I happened to glance in a mirror and could see why. My eyes were sunken, the green having faded in grief, with dark circles underneath showing how little sleep I had gotten the night before. My skin was ashen, almost white. My grey hair was still its unruly self, the one thing Bella had never tamed. As I raised a hand to try to smooth it, I noticed a tremor. _Must be the fatigue_, I thought, sure it would pass when I could finally rest after today's trials.

My loved ones all remained near as we shared our memories of Bella. Laughter and tears mixed as long ago times were brought out and looked at anew. Even the in-laws had much to add. I was asked about how we met, and my mind was transported back to that warm fall day when I stepped into a one-room schoolhouse and saw a beauty sitting there. Emmett and I laughed over how we had wrestled that day, and thought of maybe doing a demonstration before realizing that would require far more strength and flexibility than we currently had. _Hell_, I decided, _was being a young man trapped in an old man's body_.

The night finally drew close on this interminable day. Even when I had lain shot on the field of Gettysburg, time had not dragged as it had today. One of my granddaughters prepared a light supper for us. It was evident who had taught her how to cook, as it was so close to Bella's that I almost wondered if she had somehow cooked it from the grave. Lights were turned on around the house, and I remembered how Bella had hated the wires and feared them lest they set fire to her house. That brought forth a chuckle, and a question from someone caused me to relate the story.

Exhaustion was beginning to claim me and I was nodding in my chair before someone offered to help me to my room. I called over another grandson, a strapping boy about sixteen years of age named David, and had him help me stand and walk up the stairs. He was very patient with his decrepit grandpa, and I thanked him for that. He even helped me change into my nightshirt. I refused to look at the bed.

It couldn't be avoided, though, and so I finally turned to it. I had difficulty imagining sleeping there without her by my side. Last night I hadn't even attempted it, using the excuse that I wanted to stay closer to town, and sleeping at Nessie's place to avoid the pain I now had ripping through my chest. It was as if a gaping hole was being dug into my heart.

My hips gave out as I fell on the bed, David making sure I didn't fall too hard. I looked over to her side, and felt a chuckle when I saw the hairs there. I had always hated that she brushed her hair in bed. The sheets would always become messy with the strands that had come loose, but she would just laugh at me whenever I complained, saying the bed was more comfortable than her chair. David chuckled as well when I told him of the many spats we had in the past over this habit of hers. Now I reached over and gathered those hairs and twined them into a small plait. I grabbed my pocket-watch off the bedside table, opened the back and secured those last hairs of hers inside. It comforted me to know I had that last piece of her with me always. I dismissed my grandson after thanking him again for being such a good boy.

Sleep eluded me and so I again turned my thoughts to her. I remembered how just thinking of her brought me such peace and joy no matter how much pain I was in, something that never changed over the many years no matter the situation. The aching in my chest was growing, spreading down my left arm, and so I simply recalled my favorite thoughts of her to ignore it. I remembered her walking towards me on our wedding day, her eyes full of hope and love. I thought about waking after being shot and seeing her reading to my daughter, a tiny little thing at the time. This morphed into the look on her face as I held our son shortly after she gave birth to him. The years flowed past as I recalled birthdays, holidays, happy times and sad, fear when the kids got chicken pox and joy as we watched them marry. Excitement as we awaited our first grandchild.

That brought another laugh. I had asked her how she felt about becoming a grandmother, she had said it was just fine, but she wasn't sure if she was old enough to be sleeping with a grandfather. I didn't ask that again when we became great-grandparents. Just the thought of that was more than I could process.

My laughter stopped short as another pain gripped my chest. I rubbed the spot over my heart, hoping that would help. I knew it was just the grief of losing her that was bringing this about. It will go away as I get used to being without her. Or it could be indigestion from the food from the funeral. I wasn't used to anyone else's cooking yet. Perhaps it would be best to try and sleep after all.

I settled myself down into the pillows, pulling her pillow close to me so I could envelope myself in her scent once more. There was no telling how long it would continue to cling to the sheets. I wondered if I could keep Nessie from washing them until after it faded.

Wrapped in her scent, the only part of her that remained, I relaxed further. I could hear the laughter of my progeny downstairs, still talking about us. Sometimes words would filter up the stairs, like 'forever love' and 'soul-mate' as they described how we were together. I knew Bella and I had told them all right when they were getting married that 'happily ever afters' didn't happen; they were made. Forged in the furnace of life, the love they began with could grow or burn to a crisp if they didn't tend to it with all the care and concern they could give it. They would only know if they had one or not once it was over. It was now over for us, and I knew I had one.

The pain of that last thought ripped my heart asunder, shooting down my arm and across my chest as I cried out silently of my loss. I could feel the darkness of sleep beginning to claim me, and I surrendered to it willingly. I craved it, hoping it would take the heartache away.

I slipped quickly into a dream. A light was glowing in the distance and I knew my heart's desire was within it. I ran to it, my legs once again young and uninjured. As I approached the source, I could see a form silhouetted within. A young girl, mahogany hair, brown eyes, with a heart-shaped face, stood there. It took me a moment but I realized it was the beauty I had seen in the school-house, but how could she be so young again? I looked down and realized that I had once again become a youth as well. When she noticed it was me she called out, "Edward!"

"Bella," I whispered reverently as I stepped to her and took her hand. "Is this a dream or real?"

"It is real, my love. You are with me now and forever. I was sent to bring you home." Looking past her I could see the faces of those I loved who had gone before, all there to welcome me to the last awakening from a dream, never to sleep again.

* * *

**A/N:**

**Yes, this time he did die! Sorry to make this last chapter so sad, but it was necessary to show how their lives went, how their love continued forever, and still continues beyond death. To me, this is the happiest forever after that we could hope for.**

**Thanks to all who came on this journey with me. It has been a wonderful ride! This is your last chance! Please review.**


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